Rainman Suite

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Not only does Captain Jeter have to worry about recovering from the worst statistical season of his career, an acrimonious contract dispute, and the loss of Andy Pettitte, but his lady is starring in what looks to be the worst movie of all-time The Roommate.  I’ve had some odd roommates in my day.  One of them threatened to kill me because I wanted to watch the ALCS while he was doing his homework.  But come on!  If Leighton Meester was that fucked up, she wouldn’t be stalking Minka Kelly and stealing her life, she would be working her way through the lacrosse team.  The Roommate looks so bad on so many levels, I wouldn’t even see it for the unintentional comedy or the fact that two hotties star in it, although I do love me some Billy Zane.  I can’t fathom the thought of the Captain sitting through this 93-minute pile of garbage, but he’s going to have to.  At least A-Rod got to watch Me, Myself, and Dupree.

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I know I pick on the Islanders a lot, but how could you not?  They have the ugliest fans in the NHL and the Nassau Mausoleum is a joke.  Last night, goalie Rick DiPietro tripped Matt Cooke of the Penguins as their game was winding down to a 3-0 Isles loss.  That didn’t sit well with Penguins goalie Brent Johnson, and before you knew it was goalie fight time.

DP did his best impression of Glass Joe from Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out and fell to the ice after one punch like the little girl he is.  Don’t worry, Long Island kids!  He’s only under contract for 10 more years.  Good luck with that.

UPDATE: DP is out 4-6 weeks with facial fractures and knee soreness.  Heart of a champion!

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Andy Pettitte is expected to announce his retirement on Friday.  Whenever the Yankees’ backs were against the wall, he was the one you wanted on the mound.  Andy was born to wear pinstripes.  I’m going to miss #46.

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The Knickerbockers had a tough 113-97 loss to the Mavericks at home tonight, but how could they concentrate?  Justin Bieber was in the house.  After being shown on Gardenvision, Bieber was showered with boos like he was Reggie Miller crossed with John Wilkes Booth.  Maybe the purple glasses and bow tie didn’t help.  He definitely wasn’t expecting that reaction from the Garden faithful and his boyish smile faded like someone just told him Santa Claus didn’t exist.  The Knicks fell apart soon afterward.  Timofey Mozgov followed up his double-double with 4 points and 1 rebound but can’t wait for the release of Never Say Never in 3D on February 11.  Also, Dirk Nowitzki scored 29 points.  The Knicks are in Philly on Friday.  Hopefully Bieber stays home.

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I’m catching up with some old episodes of Community on my DVR and Alison Brie is such a fox.  Not only is she hilarious as Annie, but she plays Pete Campbell’s wife on Mad Men.  Two of the best shows on TV and two great diverse acting performances.  And look at those legs.  Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

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This is the most outrageous moment in pro wrestling since Vince McMahon screwed Bret Hart in Montreal.

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David Blaine just had a baby with a 24-year-old French model (lucky bastard) but there was one problem.  He didn’t have a ride to the hospital and it was snowing.  With the baby on the way, Blaine couldn’t hail a taxi or get a car service to pick him and his lady up, so he hitched a ride with a snow plow.  The baby was delivered safely but come on, magic man.  You can make my card appear out of my ass, but you can’t get a car to drive you to the hospital?  Don’t you have millions of dollars?  That isn’t even magic.  Just get a driver for a couple weeks.  I hope you don’t accidentally freeze your kid in a block of ice.

NY Post

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The Raven has run eight miles along Miami Beach everyday for the past 36 years.  That’s over 100,000 miles through heat, wind, and rain from the era of Bob Griese and Sonny Crockett to Hanley Ramirez and Rick Ross.  He’s more unstoppable than the US Postal Service.  The remarkable thing about this is that there’s so much more to the story than just running and incredible perseverance.  Over the years, the Raven couldn’t help but accumulate some fans and 1,244 runners have completed the eight miles with him up to 2010.  Every runner is made to feel welcome as a part of the group and leaves with a sense of physical and mental achievement.  Some have run with the Raven over 500 times, others maybe once or twice.  In either case, everyone is bestowed a nickname and makes the Raven’s list, which he keeps track of with the help of a great memory.

Over the last few weeks, I have had the privilege of running with the Raven and his band of runners several times.  Every run starts with a roll call in which he introduces everybody.  Dizzy is a middle school assistant principal and greets everyone with a friendly smile.  Hurricane is pushing 80 years old but is a beast and ran 81 times last year.  Sheik is from Nigeria and does every run barefoot.  His love for running is matched only by his love for the ladies.  Warrior is like a machine never flinching day after day and did the Raven Run a few hours after completing a marathon.  He’s run everyday for almost three months straight.  Mule runs like he’s in tremendous pain every step of the way but he always pushes ahead stubbornly like a mule.  He’s helping put on the Super Bowl halftime show this week.  Triple is a 25-year-old kid who doesn’t know what he’s going to do with his life.  That’s me.  Raven even officiated a marriage between two of the runners during a run.  Where else could you bring together all these people?  Only at the 5th St. lifeguard stand at 4PM.  It’s a sight to see.  All these strangers running down the beach like a family, each one so different from one another but brought together by the Raven and the quest to run free.  Therein lies the Raven’s greatest feat.  It’s not the incredible streak, but the camaraderie of the people that are a part of it.

ravenrun.net

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Charlie Sheen will reportedly be undergoing rehab from home for the next three months after a two-day cocaine binge involving several porn actresses and a briefcase full of cocaine that only ended when he was hospitalized for a hernia.  That’s a mouthful.  I’ve made fun of Charlie before but this is way out of control.  Although the former Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn is indestructible, you never want to see anyone get hurt.  Plus, the guy has kids (two with Denise Richards!) and an entire TV crew whose paychecks his presence is dependent on.  What I’m proposing is a moratorium on all Charlie Sheen jokes until he’s back up and running.  He’s a talented fucking actor that’s been in some all-time greats.  Major League, Wall Street, Platoon, Hot Shots, Ferris Bueller.  Even Two and a Half Men isn’t bad.  I’m not saying I ever want Charlie totally clean, just not to the point where he needs constant medical attention.  When you hear that he doesn’t have any teeth anymore because of his coke use, it’s not funny anymore.  So good luck with rehab, Chaz, and when you’re living up in Beverly Hills with your porn family in a couple months, make sure to invite me up sometime.

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Great night at MSG.  Amar’e gets voted in as an All-Star starter over that lunatic KG (by over 200,000 votes!) proving once again the superiority of New York fans over Boston’s.  Tracy Morgan declares that Sarah Palin is great jack-off material live on national TV.  And of course, the pièce de résistance a 93-88 comeback Knickerbocker win over Riley’s Girls.  It wasn’t looking good after Dwyane Wade hit 13 straight shots while wearing goggles to protect him from the bright New York spotlight.  The Heat carried a 9-point lead into the final quarter, but the Garden crowd was rocking, no doubt emboldened by the enthusiasm of stars like Howard Stern and Donald Trump.  You know the Knicks were going to come out guns blazing and they did.  Gallo hit two huge 3-pointers when the home team seemingly couldn’t hit one all night and Landry Fields was soaring for rebounds and fearlessly hitting big shots in the clutch.  The best part of all was Queen James going 7-for-24 from the field and looking discombobulated all night.  Shawne Williams was the underrated star of the game, playing superb defense and keeping the Queen locked down.  The entire team played good defense and it showed in holding the Heat to only 88 points.  The Garden showed up like we all know it can and the Knicks proved they can not only roll with anyone, but actually win.  Can they keep it going?  Atlanta next.