Rainman Suite

During the Battle of the Exes preview, Mike Mike described The Challenge as “Real World on steroids.” Far be it for me to take a cheap shot at the physiques of our competitors but he’s right. The last time we saw our crew on Rivals, it was like Barry Bonds in 2001. Teams of two enemies were forced to compete to win cash and glorious prizes ($100 and Dr. Dre headphones). The only thing that could possibly ratchet up the tension from that season is sexual energy.

So what did our brilliant producers do? They gave us Rivals but with teams made up of former boyfriends, girlfriends, and hookups. Sure, a few of the teams’ relationship histories aren’t that deep, and maybe the lesbian team doesn’t have much of a chance, but dammit if I’m not going to enjoy another season of destructive behavior and implant-first plunges into bodies of water. And did anyone see what the final course in Iceland looks like? I don’t even think Rocky Balboa could climb those mountains.

We joined our friends in the Dominican Republic this year, where government regulations regarding athletic activities are loose and Priscilla can legally drink. The highlight of any first episode is the mad scramble to pick a bed followed by profuse binge drinking and debauchery on the eve of the first Challenge as well as deep discussion of “the game.” As always, there were more questions than answers. Which teammates are going to hook up? Which teams are going to fall apart? Will anyone hook up with a member of an opposing team? Will CT commit a felony? Why is Nate’s face so red? Let’s try to answer all this and more in our rankings. Bud Light, here we go……..

Abortions

ELIMINATED-Nate and Priscilla
You knew things weren’t going to end well when Nate’s face got redder and redder as it got closer to elimination time. By the time he was ready to compete, it was the color of Wes’s hair. It’s a shame Kenny wasn’t around to point this out. If Nate is a rocket scientist, shouldn’t he have done a better job figuring out that any surface covered in honey is going to be slippery? That’s Newton’s fourth law of physics: Objects in motion, stay in motion when they’re covered in honey. T.J. couldn’t wait to send these two packing. Personally, I would have liked to see Jenn with 2 n’s and Adam instead of this team, but apparently Priscilla filled the slutty ethnic girl quota. Come back, Jenn with 2 n’s!

12. Tyrie & Jasmine
This is possibly the most annoying team in Challenge history. Jasmine started off her night by slamming a picture of her and Tyrie to the ground to establish that NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN BETWEEN THEM! Tyrie reacted by not taking a shower. They have about as much a shot at winning as Rihanna getting back with Chris Brown. Wait, what?

11. Big Easy Vinny & Sarah
Seeing Vinny with his shirt off was by far the most jarring moment of the episode. Here I am thinking he’s some jacked Masshole when he’s apparently been going to the same gym/bakery that Mo Vaughn used to. Sarah is a genuinely good competitor but there’s a fat chance this team can make a run for the top prize. See what I did there?

10. Dustin & Heather
I’m not surprised Dustin did so well in the “Give Me Some Honey” Challenge. I’m pretty sure he did that on a regular basis at the Frat Pad (NSFW!!!).Dustin also get credit for the best quote of the week: “This is way thicker than I thought it was gonna be.” He was talking about the honey, or was he? Dustin and Heather tried to form a rookie alliance in the face of Johnny Bananas, but it didn’t go anywhere. Cute that they tried, though. I’m not sure that Dustin makes it out of the competition after the guys get on him about the whole gay porn thing. And they will get on him about the whole gay porn thing.

9. Ty & Emily
This team has two major problems:
1. Ty has the athletic ability of a six-year-old girl.
2. Ty assaulted Emily.

That is all.

8. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts
After maxing out with Ev in Rivals, it looks like Paula has fallen back to the pack with her new partner Dunbar. These two have screwed each other in more ways than one over the years and apparently haven’t so much as talked in a while. Probably not a good thing if you’re not talking to your partner. They did not perform well in the Challenge at all. This team may also struggle in Challenges that involve problem solving or any type of thinking in general.

Sloppy Seconds

7. Rachel & Aneesa
Look, I love lesbians as much as the next guyyou can’t go up against the likes of CT and Mark without a penis. Just can’t be done. Sorry ladies.

6. Roy Lee & Naomi
They have incredible chemistry, but I’m pretty sure this team is going to get knocked out when they start banging in the middle of an Elimination. I seriously thought an orgy was going to break out when these two were covered in honey at the same time as Abram and Cara Maria. Also, Naomi gets bonus points for looking fiiiiiiiiine in her bikini.

5. Abram & Cara Maria
On the surface, this team would be a contender but they’re so fucking crazy. Cara has great athletic ability for a chick, Abram does a great job of leading the way, and you know they’re just going to explode at each other at some point along the way. Either that, or Cara is going to whip the shit out of Abram when they reconnect and have a wild BDSM romp. I’m a little disappointed Cara wasn’t paired up with her horse but apparently their relationship is still going strong.

4. Wes & Mandi
They survived the first Elimination but attracted a powerful enemy in Johnny Bananas. Wes’s strategy of forming an alliance with the rookies has failed in the past and it’s going to fail again. The rooks simply don’t have the fortitude or the wits to withstand Mr. Bananas. Mandi is quite the bitch as well. Her and Wes have about as much repartee as Newt Gingrich and one of his ex-wives. Check out this exchange after they won the Elimination:

Wes: “You knew we were coming back. All we did was give ourselves more confidence and scare the rest of the people here.”
Mandi: “I have nothing more to add to that.”
Wes: [awkward silence] “Ditto.”

Nobody cares that Mandi has a boyfriend at home, either. Mark my words, she’s going to be hooking up with somebody within two weeks. This group may have the physical strength to compete with the best of them but they just don’t play “the game” well. Oh jeeze, now I’m talking like them.

Love At First Sight

3. CT & Diem
Obviously any team with the beast CT has a chance. But look into his eyes as he’s talking with Diem, and you can see the pain and heartbreak. Doth the beast gone soft? When CT smiles at Diem, I get the impression that he’s either contemplating a life with her or a life with no parole and nothing in between. It’s just a shame that Diem is such a career girl. Didn’t realize Mary Tyler Moore was on an MTV reality show. This is another team in which the chemistry is really going to affect their performance, possibly more so than any other. These two have so much baggage even Southwest Airlines would make them pay a fee.

2. Mark & Robin
The wily veteran is back! Mark is in absolute great condition and will use his experience to advance far. I’m going to miss him hosting the aftershow, though. He also did a few too many Discount Double Checks, but who knew the Packers were going to bomb out of the playoffs? Mark and Robin appear to have a strong relationship which is going to help as well. They are well-respected and know how to keep their noses clean. That goes a long way in The Challenge.

1. Johnny Bananas & Camila
This week’s Power Couple will no doubt influence the goings-on of the house all season. If anything, their greatest flaw is that the target on their back may be too big. Why wouldn’t any team that won a Challenge throw them immediately into an Elimination? That’s where Johnny’s brilliant power plays come in. It also appears that he’s been taking his, uh, vitamins in the offseason. And don’t underestimate Camila, either. She’s a firecracker in her own right. She’s not afraid to speak her mind and defend her partner, and Johnny will always be there to back her up or tell her to move along. Johnny and Camila may or may not have hooked up before but there’s definitely a connection there. Forget about bringing home the Dr. Dre headphones, I’ll be disappointed if these two don’t get married on the reunion show. The Rev. T.J. Lavin will officiate. Holding hands while throwing Wes under the bus? That’s love.