It was D-Day this week on The Challenge, as the Johnny/Evan/Kenny-Wes alliance were ready to “drop all the bombs” to get the beast CT out of the house once and for all. It was going according to plan until Kenny tumbled off an airborne hammock within 30 seconds and sent everyone scrambling. I haven’t seen somebody lose their mojo like this since Austin Powers. Maybe Kenny’s past his prime like Shaq on the Celtics or maybe teaming with Wes has his mind all fucked up and he can’t focus on the challenges. Either way, this once great champion needs to get his act together. And how did The Challenge not get nominated for an Emmy? On to the rankings:
Guys
1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (Last Week: 4)
The eventual challenge winners (thanks to Evan’s DQ) put it all together to make sure that CT and Adam didn’t win again. Kudos to them for killing it on short notice after Kenny fell. They got the nod over Evan & Nehemiah because Johnny pantsed Mike Mike while he was reading T.J.’s text.
2. Evan & Nehemiah (LW: 6)
They finally unleashed their potential to complete the challenge in the quickest time, even though they touched about six hammocks at the same time. This team is one to watch out for.
3. Adam & CT (LW: 1)
CT isn’t just a fighter; he’s a lover. Not only does Mandi want him to choke her out, but Laurel might want a little CT for herself. Apparently, jumping into the pool naked is the move that gets all the chicks. Coincidentally, Ted Bundy was considered a ladies’ man. If Adam rejects CT’s friendship, he may end up missing. This also marked the first week that CT did not threaten to rip anyone’s face off.
4. Kenny & Wes (LW:2)
While Kenny is faltering, Wes is riding high after defeating Brandon to stay safe in The Jungle. Just when you thought it wasn’t possible for his ego to get any bigger. Still doesn’t have any pigment in his skin though. I hope that Kenny doesn’t have that much trouble getting into a hammock when it’s closer to the ground. We need the old Kenny back, the Kenny that sings Bon Jovi with youngsters.
5. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 3)
“Great news! They said we’re on the chopping block but not this week!” Look for this team to go soon.
ELIMINATED-Brandon & Ty (LW: 5)
The always-pathetic Ty was almost saved by Brandon’s valiant effort in The Jungle but it was not to be. Why is everyone always hating on the black guys?
Sluts
1. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 4)
The only girls to complete the challenge are finally flexing their muscles. It sucks that they didn’t get any money for not finishing within the time limit but T.J. is a stickler when it comes to the rules. Laurel is putting her team (and soul) in danger by mingling with CT. I’m still waiting for Cara Maria to break out the dominatrix outfit.
2. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 1)
Unfortunately, the target on your back grows when you have all the power. They probably should have stayed out of the guys’ politics when picking the order for the challenge, but didn’t. Paula may be reverting back to form after two challenge wins in a row when she did a body shot off Mike Mike. Somebody wants to hear Mike read from his prayer book! On a positive note, her implants did not pop after a big fall during the challenge.
3. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 5)
Mandi was not killed by CT yet but she has some fierce competition from the amazonian Laurel. Blondes and brunettes really don’t like each other, huh? At least when they’re not making out with each other, as they did this week. Mandi then sought relationship advice from Paula Walnuts, who is slightly more qualified than Ben Roethlisberger. Jenn with 2 n’s is still as sexy as ever. I’d like for her to step up and start a fight soon.
4. Jasmine & Jonna (LW: 3)
A quiet week for these two considering that Jasmine probably has the biggest mouth on the show.
5. Katelynn & Sarah (LW: 2)
Katelynn needs to grow some balls back and actually attempt to compete. I bet T.J. can’t wait for her to go home. He probably dreams about it. Sarah is a strong competitor and deserves a better partner.
Rainman Suite 
Anyone else worried that this season might ruin the drama on future challenges? Can two former rivals who learn to work together really hate each other (as much) on future seasons?
i’m gonna have to disagree with you on this one.
power rankings, my ass. you merely list the order in which the teams finished the latest challenge, giving no consideration to past performance. you don’t need an intricate, bill-james-devised algorithm to calculate that dominating every challenge and finishing a close second this week would still put team CT at the top of any ranking’s system. if that weren’t enough, perhaps the mob conspiring with the sole goal of throwing CT and adam in the jungle would intimate their dominance. or, perhaps evan’s confessionals when, looking directly into the fucking camera, he freely admits that CT is consistently the best player in the challenges and if he makes it to the end no one else has a chance.
thanks, but i watched the show; i know in what order they fell off the hammocks.
I’m gonna defend this guy because I love what he’s doing here.
Power rankings aren’t the point. He just uses them as a platform to riff on the major players in each week’s episode. The general commentary is the value-add here, and it’s phenomenal. He feeds the carnal human instinct of having television shows that we’ve watched the previous night compartmentalized and recapped with an injection of humor and satire.
If this dude somehow got these columns posted to Gawker they’d get 10,000-15,000 hits apiece. The rankings simply provide an interesting (and, yes, meaningless) format for his musings, but what would you prefer? Straight paragraph-driven prose? Bullet points? Power rankings 4 life.
mr. chillbrolli, i understand your point completely, but i still must disagree — respectfully, of course.
keithstone33 could just as easily title his musings a recap, but he chooses power rankings instead. He is thus obligated to appropriate the arcane template of power rankings — a system that accounts for record with current performance weighted most heavily — from the sports websites that popularized them.
i am not trying to diminish what is an otherwise interesting summation of the challenge, but ‘power rankings’ is a complete misnomer.
Greg,
You’re starting to sound a lot like Greg from RW: Hollywood. Moving on, please allow me to list four reasons to support CT & Adam being listed in 3rd place (if not even lower… yea, I said it…):
1. Although CT has been on 7 different Challenge seasons, he has never won. Similarly, Adam has been on 6 different Challenge seasons, and he has never won. Sure this team is athletic, but CT and Adam perennially lack a successful strategy – and this is why they have never won.
2. CT & Adam have everyone in the game gunning for them. This obviously lowers their chances of winning.
3. CT is a time bomb that can explode at any minute. If/when he does explode, he’s off the show.
4. CT is obviously a beast and a strong competitor, but the other veteran teams that they’re competing against are very strong too (it’s an all-star season baby).
PWN3D!
j. bananas, you did everything but pwn me: i advocated for a more stringent ranking system, and you demonstrated the in-depth analysis that this site sorely lacks in quantifying where teams should be stratified amongst each other.
you did, however, asperse my incontrovertible, top-ranked squad, so i offer a rebuttal:
ct’s volatility is inarguably his teams biggest obstacle, but it is also what makes him a fierce competitor. his biggest foe, adam, is now his teammate, so that threat is neutralized. i’m not concerned that they’ve never won before because they have loads of experience to draw upon as they advance in the game; in the end, the final challenge is a toss-up. ct and adam do not lack a successful strategy — they are the most dynamic team in the game: ct’s brute strength combined with adam’s agility and intelligence (stanford alum) give them a well-rounded edge. the other veteran teams are formidable, certainly, and are gunning for them, but they are also terrified of facing them in the jungle (kenny and wes wanted no part of them this week). in sum, ct and adam are a protean, alpha duo that every opponent wants eliminated but won’t risk their own termination to accomplish such a daunting task.
Joshy Bananas – when I explode u r tha first 1 I’m comin afta
Keep it clean, guys. No disemboweling until at least Week 8.