Archive for the ‘MTV’ Category

Are You Kidding Me?

Posted: August 30, 2011 by Keith Stone in Curb Your Enthusiasm, Jersey Shore, MTV, TV

So after all the hype and buildup for the Situation/Ronnie fight and seeing Sitch get taken off a stretcher with all the girls crying, it turns out he banged his own head on the wall? I was expecting a Ronnie one shot, not dancing with the guidos. I seriously thought Ronnie was going to snap the Situation’s neck in half. I hate Sammi Sweetheart and I hate Conservative Ronnie. I can’t believe that MTV actually split the “fight” into two episodes. Bastards.

On the other hand, Larry David knocked it out of the park on Sunday. One-armed man. Racist judge. Two-piece skis. This is the Summer of Larry David. First, he’s chilling with Woody Harrelson at Yanks-Sox and now he’s just dominating New York on Curb. This is like the third episode in a row that I said to myself, “There’s no way this season could get any funnier,” and then the next episode comes around and he proves me wrong. I also think the car periscope is a mighty fine invention.

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Wow. That has to go down as the most intense competition in Challenge history. In fact, I’d say that the two-day event has to be up there with any athletic endeavor ever. Ultra-marathon? Fuck that. The Challenge: Rivals takes the cake. In the end, we also learned a valuable life lesson, that a real team is better than just the sum of its parts. Both Johnny/Tyler and Ev/Paula had put aside their past differences and supported each other and it helped them achieve the ultimate prize: $400 and a pair of Beats by Dr. Dre headphones. Just kidding. Now that the show is over, it’s only fair to rank all the teams in descending order. On to the rankings:

Guys

NO CHANCE IN HELL

9. Adam R.
Adam got sent home the first night for punching Ty. How did Ty get Adam riled up? He called him “guy.” I love the drunken erratic behavior but it needs to be a bit more focused next time. Go to counseling, bulk up, and we’ll hopefully see you soon.

8. Abram Pillow

7. Brandon & Ty
Ty is a horrible competitor. He’s weird, he never shuts up, and he hasn’t had sex for years because he doesn’t like the girls in Hollywood. What’s not to like, bro? Despite his imposing stature, he’s also horrible at the physical challenges. Brandon is small but he has a lot of heart and almost single-handedly sent Wes and Kenny home. He could be a force in the future.

6. Davis & Tyrie
This team never had a chance without the support of the rest of the cast and were the first guys team thrown into the Jungle and the first guys team eliminated. You gotta remember that this is more a social game than anything. At least Tyrie got it in. Am I the only one that can’t tell Ty and Tyrie apart? Can the producers stop bringing Ty back for this reason?

SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA

5. Kenny & Wes
Despite coming in second place and winning $50,000, these jabronis never stopped arguing and it cost them in the end. Their beef was more important than the competition. They squandered their huge athletic advantage and made boneheaded mistakes all throughout the Finals (putting shards of anything in your sock is not a good idea). Kenny was off all season and Wes never stopped letting him hear it. Too bad he was completely underwhelming in the Finals. Being mean to Cara Maria for no reason didn’t help matters either.

4. Evan & Nehemiah
Another team with chemistry problems. By the end of their stay, they weren’t even talking to each other. It’s a shame they left so early because Nehemiah is a strong competitor and Evan is hilarious. He and Kenny need to host the Jersey Shore after-show or something. Evan also probably would have done great during the eating portion of the Finals.

3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee
The rookies surprised everyone this season by making it to the Finals. Of course, they weren’t as strong as the other teams. That’s why they made it so far. Still, they played the game well and made friends along the way. Mike Mike finally got a girl and gives the show much-needed levity while Roy Lee may have been the most under-the-radar player. Make no mistake, he’s a strong dude and he likes to party. Expect a breakout season next time around.

THE REAL DEAL

2. Adam & CT
The beast CT was the most compelling cast member. He straddled a thin line between maniac and intellectual, and managed to create relationships in the house without getting too deep into alliances, which bogs the game down. He also did not rip anyone’s face off. It’s too bad we didn’t get to see what he could have done in the Finals. He’ll have to work on climbing rope ladders up helicopters. Adam didn’t slow CT down until the final Jungle, but when he did it cost them. Gotta know the rules of the game! At least he got a piece of the lovely Jenn with 2 n’s.

1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler
Johnny finally redeemed himself after being humiliated by CT last season and Tyler won his second Challenge in a row. Most importantly, they put their personal problems behind them and helped each other reach greater heights. They persevered against CT, the mountain, and everyone else. They are true champions.

Sluts

BACK TO THE WHOREHOUSE

7. Jasmine & Jonna
This team was horrible, especially the annoying Jasmine. Although they impressively won a Jungle, they did a horrible job playing the game, complained too much, and Jasmine was out of control with the tantrums. These girls are too tiny to ever put up numbers on The Challenge. They need some performance-enhancing implants. Also, didn’t Jonna used to look a lot cuter?

6. Camila & Theresa
These geniuses thought they could pretend to quit to psych out their opponents in the Jungle. It didn’t work. It’s a good thing they’re both pretty hot and hotheaded.

5. Aneesa & Robin
These girls are normally pretty strong and volunteered to go into the first Jungle to take out Ev and Paula. It didn’t work. Sometimes it pays to vote yourself into an elimination but most of the time it doesn’t.

BITCH GOES DOWN

4. Katelynn & Sarah
I love Sarah. She’s everything you could ask for on The Challenge, but for the life of me why does Katelynn continue to be on these shows when she doesn’t want to do any of the activities? Does she think she’s going to win because everyone is going to quit? Her spot could be given to somebody with a better chance of winning. Like Shauvon.

3. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi
This is the team Jasmine and Jonna should strive to become. They’re fun party girls that take their clothes off, hook up, and get into fights, but somehow don’t let it get too out of hand. Of course, they’re not the best at physical competitions. At least Jenn with 2 n’s is feisty. I’m excited to see how Mandi will perform with her new implants.

QUEEN B’S

2. Cara Maria & Laurel
Laurel is a specimen. So is Cara Maria, just in a different way. Laurel remained as bitchy as ever, but she did manage to forge a bond with Cara Maria. These girls came so close to winning but I think Cara Maria would have pulled it out if she had her horse and her Abram.

1. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts
Paula won a Challenge! Paula won a Challenge! It’s like my mom always says, “Eighth time is a charm.” Looks like the veteran of the backstab just needed a partner who was a friend. Who would’ve thought it was Evelyn? Like Johnny and Tyler, these girls used their newfound friendship to their advantage and overcame the mighty Laurel. Ev has always been a great competitor and Paula can finally hold her head high as she heads back to the party circuit and shows Dunbar’s little brother her tits.

Last Week’s Rankings

CHALLENGE WEEK

Posted: August 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in Challenge Week, MTV, Suite, The Challenge

Welcome to Challenge Week. To celebrate Wednesday’s Rivals finale, we’re going to be doing features all week to celebrate the greatest reality TV show of all-time. Stay tuned for predictions on Tuesday, a running diary on Wednesday, and final power rankings on Thursday. This season has been great and Wednesday promises to be a fight to the finish. As T.J. would say, they killed it.

The Challenge: Rivals Power Rankings WEEK 9

Posted: August 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in MTV, power rankings, The Challenge, TV

“I’m gonna truck through that place like a train.”—CT

Wow, I need a cigarette. This week, we learned that the fun and games have officially ended and redemption is spelled “B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” The T-Bone may have been the most brutal competition in the show’s history. Not only did the players have to go up and down some pretty steep inclines but they also faced the prospect of colliding with the beast train CT at full-speed. And so, the remaining three guys teams and three girls teams headed to Patagonia (“Is that a country or a region?”) for the most intense physical and mental challenge of their life. Who will be the last one left standing? Onto the rankings:

Guys

1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (Last Week: 4)
Johnny and Tyler epitomize everything that Rivals is all about. They didn’t like or trust each other much to begin with but in order to defeat CT, they needed to have ultimate confidence in one another. In doing so, their bond is stronger than ever and is one of the reasons they have to be considered favorites. They might even love each other now. No homo. Well, Tyler is. And Johnny finally avenged the most embarrassing elimination ever.

What guts by Tyler to get up after being absolutely crushed by CT. I don’t like to overstate things but when he and Adam were both on their final ball and fell on top of each other, it was by far the most dramatic moment in television history. I haven’t had goosebumps like that since Rocky and Apollo were struggling to pull themselves up the ropes at the end of Rocky II.

2. Kenny & Wes (LW: 2)
I don’t get Wes’s beef with Cara Maria. Sure, she’s a little annoying. It doesn’t mean you have to make her cry. How can you say she’s not deep enough when you’re about as deep as a kiddie pool? Just ignore her, Ronald McDonald. It’s more important to focus on getting in the canoe the right way.

3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 1)
I like these guys but there’s no way they can win. Is there? It’s not a good sign when your planning for the Finals involves considering walking. I’m going to miss this team for their awkward bro love and Mike Mike’s awesome interviews. Despite the fact that they’re in dead last in the Finals so far, the kid still thinks they’re gonna win. Rookie!

ELIMINATED-Adam & CT
Raise your hand if you saw this one coming. Yeah right. CT looked like a man possessed, like Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, and the Loch Ness Monster combined being released from their cage. I was seriously concerned he was going to kill somebody even before stepping in the ring with Johnny and Tyler. The real lesson here is never fall in love on The Challenge. Jenn with 2 n’s wasn’t even rooting for Adam and Laurel is perhaps the only reason why the show didn’t have its first decapitation this season.

You would figure that a competition that involved colliding with your opponents at high speeds would favor CT, but alas his entertaining and frightening reign comes to an end. It was refreshing that he was neither intimidated nor conformed to any alliances and hopefully will be back in the future to wreak havoc and rip people’s faces off. To be honest, the most frightened I’ve ever been of him when was he was crying after losing. It’s like Winston Churchill said, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself and CT.”

Adam needs to do some squats at the gym. Gotta get up that hill at the end, bro!

Sluts

1. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 2)
These are the only girls with their eyes on the prize. Ev is a veteran while Paula is trying to overcome her previous eight Challenge failures. I still don’t know if they have what it takes to overcome the athleticism of Laurel and Cara Maria.

2. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 3)
Laurel is an Amazon and will do fine with or without CT. Plus she cooks a mean breakfast. Cara Maria finally stood up to Wes and hopefully her newfound confidence will help her in the Finals. It’s just a shame she can’t bring her Abram pillow with her.

3. Jenn with 2 n’s and Mandi (LW: 1)
Jenn with 2 n’s earns alliance points for rooting for Johnny and Tyler but none of that matters now, especially since her and Mandi can’t seem to canoe in a straight line. It’s not looking good for these two who already have a significant amount of ground to make up and all Mandi wants to do is scratch her nose. TJ does not like the effort.

Keep reading next week for finale predictions, power rankings, and a running diary.

Last Week’s Rankings

Don’t Do It, Single Ronnie!

Posted: August 14, 2011 by Keith Stone in Jersey Shore, MTV, Single Ronnie, TV

It was a virtuoso performance by Single Ronnie on Jersey Shore. He was dancing like a maniac, falling over on the walk home, laughing like a jackal. It was everything you could ask for short of knocking a kid out with one shot. ONE SHOT, BRO! I was so proud of the progress he’s made, but we’ve seen this before in the first couple episodes of a season. At the club, Sammi Sweetheart told Ronnie that she misses him. As the episode ended, Ronnie resisted her overtures but went up to his bed to think about things and most likely have a nice cry. I don’t like where this is headed at all. This season has been promising but if Ronnie and Sammi Sweetheart get back together, it’s going to submarine everything. I need a full season of Single Ronnie dancing, laughing, hooking up with multiple girls at a time, and having crazy steroids-induced mood swings. After the last two seasons, we deserve it. He is an animal that needs to roam free and prey on hippopotamuses, not be chained up and yelled at for things he did three years ago. Stay away from my Single Ronnie, Sammi Sweetheart!

The Challenge: Rivals Power Rankings WEEK 8

Posted: August 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in MTV, power rankings, The Challenge, TV

And so the the eyes of the world turn to Buenos Aires, despite the fact that nobody on the show can correctly pronounce Buenos Aires. The Bombs Away Challenge was the show’s last and the winning men’s team earned a coveted spot in the Finals. With that type of pressure, it’s really starting to get to some people. At this point in the game, all the alliances have fallen by the wayside.  A trip to the Finals means you no longer have to worry about being blindsided or betrayed by the group, just making it to the finish line first. Former friends are now enemies and the only person anybody can really trust is their partner, their most hated rival. Like Tyler says, “Sometimes you get stabbed in the face. Sometimes you get stabbed in the back.” I’m getting aroused just thinking about it. This episode ended with an infuriating TO BE CONTINUED… so we’re going to have to wait till next week to see who escapes from the final Jungle and earns the last position in the Finals. Onto the standings…

Guys

1. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (Last Week: 3)
The rooks have played a spectacular game so far and earned a spot in the Finals thanks to Roy Lee’s amazing rope-climbing skills. In fact, Mike Mike and Roy Lee never even appeared in the Jungle. To be fair, they may have lucked out since nobody thinks they will win the entire thing, nobody much cared if they even made it to the Finals. Plus, it’s a huge advantage that they were already friends before the show. Mike Mike had a banner week and threw an epic tantrum after the toga party the last day in Costa Rica because the guys were throwing cookies at him, ruining a beautiful night of getting spanked and choked by Paula. Roy Lee summed up this team best when he said, “Mike’s ride or die.” He certainly is. I’m also not really sure what Mike Mike was wearing under his toga, some sort of man thong. Let’s move on.

2. Kenny & Wes (LW: 1)
Mr. Beautiful and his pale friend also earned a spot in the Finals, but may have lost a friend in Johnny Bananas who wasn’t happy with the way everything went down and the fact that Wes was seemingly running things for the team. However this team gets high marks because they know the important thing is to win BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Wes also started shit with Cara Maria by pouring an entire 2-liter bottle of soda on her head, making her cry and long for Abram. Unlike the other teams, Kenny and Wes still don’t get along very well which could hurt them in the Finals. Wes needs to stop being a passive-aggressive punk who underestimates Kenny’s abilities. Just sayin’.

3. Adam & CT (LW: 4)
It was another underwhelming week for Adam and the beast CT. They were DQ’ed in the Challenge and CT’s love life and face-eating life have quieted down. CT and Laurel seem about done after CT claimed to wear black at the last Challenge even though he looked like Papa Smurf. Adam seems to be finally giving CT his friendship which is all CT ever wanted besides the taste of human flesh. The beast is chomping at the bit in preparation for the Jungle, but Adam may be letting people get into head so I don’t know what TO BE CONTINUED…………………

4. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (LW: 2)
This team is cool when it’s smooth sailing but when adversity strikes it’s like they’re in steerage on the Titanic. Johnny is mad at Kenny for not wanting to go into the Jungle for some reason while Tyler is freaking out at everyone that voted them in. Maybe it’s karma for Johnny throwing cookies at Mike Mike and a water bottle at Cara Maria when they were both crying. Now Tyler is getting into hissy fits with Paula and Roy Lee instead of getting ready for the Jungle, which appears to be a very physical competition involving football pads and ramming your opponent. I’m going to go ahead and give CT the advantage on this one. Tyler and Johnny both competed against CT during the last Challenge so they at least know what they’re getting into but can anyone truly prepare for the beast?  I haven’t been this excited for a rematch since Tyson-Holyfield II and I would say that once again there’s a high chance somebody gets a body part eaten off. At least, hopefully things go better for Johnny than last time.

Sluts
1. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 1)
According to my very detailed notes, this was the only girls team that didn’t have somebody who cried. Works for me.

2. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 2)
Everything was going so well for Paula this year. No meltdowns. No backstabs. She has a boyfriend that she loves when she’s drunk. This is her best chance to win ever. She was enjoying her first night in Buenos Aires like anyone would, having a wrestling orgy while her skirt flies up and her ass has to get censored, when she decided to get involved with Wes and Cara Maria’s skirmish. Laurel would have none of that and opened up some past wounds. And thus, we had the obligatory Paula Walnuts crying scene that no Challenge season can go without. I got Paula’s back though. There’s nothing wrong with fake boobs.

3. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 3)
These girls are a mess. First, Wes dumps the soda on Cara Maria and she just sits there sobbing instead of getting back at him. Then, Laurel was really mean to Paula. Like really mean. You don’t talk about eating disorders. That’s a low blow. She did the same thing to Big Easy last year and then cried like a baby on the reunion because of it. Laurel, baby, you’re better than that. On the positive side, Laurel did defend Cara Maria and they seem to be bonding pretty well. They also made out at the Buenos Aires nightclub so they’ve got that going for them.

Love was in the air in the Challenge house this week. Or rather, everybody was “just having fun” with somebody else. I can’t remember another season where there were this many romantic relationships this late in the game. CT and Laurel. Wes and Mandi. Adam and Jenn with 2 n’s. Mike Mike and Paula. Johnny and Tyler. Kenny and his reflection. At the beginning, it’s all fun but eventually it starts affecting your strategy. That’s where we are now. Love is for losers. Onto the rankings:

Guys

1. Kenny & Wes (Last Week: 3)
There are no doubts that Mr. Beautiful has returned to form. Honestly, he was getting first place this week no matter what for his brilliant portrayal of Kenny Maria. Despite finishing the Challenge after Evelyn, Kenny nevertheless got to live out two of his fantasies this week: becoming a Ghostbuster and blasting Wes in the face with a high-powered hose like he was Peter North. You have to admire somebody that would rather torture their archnemesis than win a cash prize, especially as you do it with a smile on your face while he’s writhing in pain. That’s why Kenny is a champion. Plus, he knows not to cross the streams. Kenny even took off his blue shirt so Laurel and Cara Maria wouldn’t have the whole house against them in the Jungle. That’s something that could actually come back to help him in the future. Wes continued his relationship with Mandi and was ever the gentleman as he helped her clear the crabs away from her panties (that doesn’t sound good) under her bed.

[tie] 2. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (LW: 2)
Johnny and Tyler once again made it look easy at the Challenge, winning for their third time. Johnny even gave Tyler a gallant kiss on the hand in celebration. This team is by far getting along the best out of all the rivals. They even dress like pimps at the club, Johnny rocking a cig behind the ear and Tyler with the shades. Bonus points for friendship: Johnny for setting up Mike Mike’s love trap for Paula and Tyler for sassily standing up for his best friend Jenn with 2 n’s against Cara Maria.

[tie] 2. Abram
With Cara Maria stressing about having the entire house against her, it was a phone call to Abe that made her feel better and propel her to victory in the Jungle. DO NOT TALK SHIT ABOUT CARA MARIA’S BOYFRIEND OR HER HORSE!

3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 4)
Mike Mike FINALLY made out with Paula and then giggled like a schoolboy for five minutes. He also seemed to enjoy being lifted into the air by his crotch during the Challenge. Roy Lee got to avenge racism by shooting a Southern white boy with a high-powered hose for 20 minutes. Martin Luther King would have been proud.

4. Adam & CT (LW: 1)
CT threw Laurel under the bus this week and now doesn’t have a friend in the house, despite his yearning to be BFF’s with Adam. The thing I don’t understand is why CT is avoiding Laurel like the plague when she became an outcast only because she was hooking up with CT. He even wore a blue shirt to the Jungle. How dare he! CT also got called out for only having two outfits, which is gross although I like the fact that his “talking about the stock market” outfit involves a button-down that he only does one button on. Adam seems to be winning over the heart of Jenn with 2 n’s who suspects that he drugged her with “love potion.” Or as I call it rohypnol. Good luck with that, kids.

Sluts

1. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 2)
These girls epitomize what it means to be Challenge competitors. Both of them are hooking up with guys that they don’t really care about, which may end up costing them down the road. Mandi started the episode straddling Paula while Jenn with 2 n’s finished the episode slapping Cara Maria. Anytime somebody gets into a fight at a club and says, “Just because I’m making out, doesn’t mean I’m having sex,” you’re going to end up at the top of the power rankings. Jenn with 2 n’s confrontation with Cara Maria was so artful, so full of veteran savvy. She started out with the yelling in the face while clapping her hands and elevated to the barely-there spit and love slap. Jenn with 2 n’s knows the line that will get kicked off The Challenge and she does not cross it. She toes that line like she’s Michael Oher. It didn’t stop there. Jenn with 2 n’s continued to talk behind Cara Maria’s back at the house and did so wearing a white tank top that showed off her massive tits. That’s the veteran savvy I was talking about. It’s no surprise that Mandi got implants in the offseason. Being teammates with Jenn with 2 n’s made her raise her game up like the entire US basketball team at the 2010 World Championships.

2. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 1)
Paula is in the Finals. Hold on and let me repeat that. Paula is in the Finals. Not only that, but her and Ev steamrolled their way there by winning the Peter North Challenge. Paula also hooked up with Mike Mike, who seems to be a good influence on her. I just hope she didn’t hear Johnny call her an “old lady.”

3. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 4)
Must be that time of the month for these two. Cara Maria has mostly been silent but took exception to the fact that Jenn with 2 n’s might breeze to the Finals again without being in the Jungle. She shouldn’t have been complaining considering her and Laurel’s pathetic performance during the Challenge. And how bad does it suck to be Cara Maria? She got sprayed in the face for 20 minutes and ended up getting DQ’ed. I guess Laurel just isn’t cut out to be a Costa Rican firefighter. The real question is why did they want to compete against Jenn with 2 n’s and Mandi instead of Jasmine and Jonna? Jenn with 2 n’s is a tough bitch and Mandi can hold her own. Jasmine and Jonna are like four feet tall and 67 pounds each. The Jungle ended up being the biggest mismatch of the season. Cara Maria and Laurel just aren’t thinkers. There’s no way a team as physically-imposing as them should constantly end up in the Jungle and have the entire house turn against them. That’s what happens when you fall in love.

ELIMINATED: Jasmine & Jonna
I never liked them. Too much bark and not enough bite, so I’m going to talk about the news that the entire cast is going to Buenos Aires for the last guys’ Challenge and Finals. Everyone reacted like they’d won a lifetime supply of VD medication or something, but Cara Maria was right. They’re not going to Argentina for fun. They’re going for even more insane competitions. They were probably scouting locations for the show and the producers were like, “Costa Rica is great, but there’s no mountains. Let’s go to Buenos Aires for the final episodes and make Mike Mike cry.” So now the entire cast is dancing like idiots and CT is planning on seeing clowns in dog suits and dogs in clown suits, whatever that means. The preview looks brutal, almost as if the intensity of the first episodes had all been squeezed into the final few. I can’t wait. My prediction: pain.

Last Week’s Rankings