Rainman Suite

“I’m gonna truck through that place like a train.”—CT

Wow, I need a cigarette. This week, we learned that the fun and games have officially ended and redemption is spelled “B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” The T-Bone may have been the most brutal competition in the show’s history. Not only did the players have to go up and down some pretty steep inclines but they also faced the prospect of colliding with the beast train CT at full-speed. And so, the remaining three guys teams and three girls teams headed to Patagonia (“Is that a country or a region?”) for the most intense physical and mental challenge of their life. Who will be the last one left standing? Onto the rankings:

Guys

1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (Last Week: 4)
Johnny and Tyler epitomize everything that Rivals is all about. They didn’t like or trust each other much to begin with but in order to defeat CT, they needed to have ultimate confidence in one another. In doing so, their bond is stronger than ever and is one of the reasons they have to be considered favorites. They might even love each other now. No homo. Well, Tyler is. And Johnny finally avenged the most embarrassing elimination ever.

What guts by Tyler to get up after being absolutely crushed by CT. I don’t like to overstate things but when he and Adam were both on their final ball and fell on top of each other, it was by far the most dramatic moment in television history. I haven’t had goosebumps like that since Rocky and Apollo were struggling to pull themselves up the ropes at the end of Rocky II.

2. Kenny & Wes (LW: 2)
I don’t get Wes’s beef with Cara Maria. Sure, she’s a little annoying. It doesn’t mean you have to make her cry. How can you say she’s not deep enough when you’re about as deep as a kiddie pool? Just ignore her, Ronald McDonald. It’s more important to focus on getting in the canoe the right way.

3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 1)
I like these guys but there’s no way they can win. Is there? It’s not a good sign when your planning for the Finals involves considering walking. I’m going to miss this team for their awkward bro love and Mike Mike’s awesome interviews. Despite the fact that they’re in dead last in the Finals so far, the kid still thinks they’re gonna win. Rookie!

ELIMINATED-Adam & CT
Raise your hand if you saw this one coming. Yeah right. CT looked like a man possessed, like Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, and the Loch Ness Monster combined being released from their cage. I was seriously concerned he was going to kill somebody even before stepping in the ring with Johnny and Tyler. The real lesson here is never fall in love on The Challenge. Jenn with 2 n’s wasn’t even rooting for Adam and Laurel is perhaps the only reason why the show didn’t have its first decapitation this season.

You would figure that a competition that involved colliding with your opponents at high speeds would favor CT, but alas his entertaining and frightening reign comes to an end. It was refreshing that he was neither intimidated nor conformed to any alliances and hopefully will be back in the future to wreak havoc and rip people’s faces off. To be honest, the most frightened I’ve ever been of him when was he was crying after losing. It’s like Winston Churchill said, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself and CT.”

Adam needs to do some squats at the gym. Gotta get up that hill at the end, bro!

Sluts

1. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 2)
These are the only girls with their eyes on the prize. Ev is a veteran while Paula is trying to overcome her previous eight Challenge failures. I still don’t know if they have what it takes to overcome the athleticism of Laurel and Cara Maria.

2. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 3)
Laurel is an Amazon and will do fine with or without CT. Plus she cooks a mean breakfast. Cara Maria finally stood up to Wes and hopefully her newfound confidence will help her in the Finals. It’s just a shame she can’t bring her Abram pillow with her.

3. Jenn with 2 n’s and Mandi (LW: 1)
Jenn with 2 n’s earns alliance points for rooting for Johnny and Tyler but none of that matters now, especially since her and Mandi can’t seem to canoe in a straight line. It’s not looking good for these two who already have a significant amount of ground to make up and all Mandi wants to do is scratch her nose. TJ does not like the effort.

Keep reading next week for finale predictions, power rankings, and a running diary.

Last Week’s Rankings

And so the the eyes of the world turn to Buenos Aires, despite the fact that nobody on the show can correctly pronounce Buenos Aires. The Bombs Away Challenge was the show’s last and the winning men’s team earned a coveted spot in the Finals. With that type of pressure, it’s really starting to get to some people. At this point in the game, all the alliances have fallen by the wayside.  A trip to the Finals means you no longer have to worry about being blindsided or betrayed by the group, just making it to the finish line first. Former friends are now enemies and the only person anybody can really trust is their partner, their most hated rival. Like Tyler says, “Sometimes you get stabbed in the face. Sometimes you get stabbed in the back.” I’m getting aroused just thinking about it. This episode ended with an infuriating TO BE CONTINUED… so we’re going to have to wait till next week to see who escapes from the final Jungle and earns the last position in the Finals. Onto the standings…

Guys

1. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (Last Week: 3)
The rooks have played a spectacular game so far and earned a spot in the Finals thanks to Roy Lee’s amazing rope-climbing skills. In fact, Mike Mike and Roy Lee never even appeared in the Jungle. To be fair, they may have lucked out since nobody thinks they will win the entire thing, nobody much cared if they even made it to the Finals. Plus, it’s a huge advantage that they were already friends before the show. Mike Mike had a banner week and threw an epic tantrum after the toga party the last day in Costa Rica because the guys were throwing cookies at him, ruining a beautiful night of getting spanked and choked by Paula. Roy Lee summed up this team best when he said, “Mike’s ride or die.” He certainly is. I’m also not really sure what Mike Mike was wearing under his toga, some sort of man thong. Let’s move on.

2. Kenny & Wes (LW: 1)
Mr. Beautiful and his pale friend also earned a spot in the Finals, but may have lost a friend in Johnny Bananas who wasn’t happy with the way everything went down and the fact that Wes was seemingly running things for the team. However this team gets high marks because they know the important thing is to win BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Wes also started shit with Cara Maria by pouring an entire 2-liter bottle of soda on her head, making her cry and long for Abram. Unlike the other teams, Kenny and Wes still don’t get along very well which could hurt them in the Finals. Wes needs to stop being a passive-aggressive punk who underestimates Kenny’s abilities. Just sayin’.

3. Adam & CT (LW: 4)
It was another underwhelming week for Adam and the beast CT. They were DQ’ed in the Challenge and CT’s love life and face-eating life have quieted down. CT and Laurel seem about done after CT claimed to wear black at the last Challenge even though he looked like Papa Smurf. Adam seems to be finally giving CT his friendship which is all CT ever wanted besides the taste of human flesh. The beast is chomping at the bit in preparation for the Jungle, but Adam may be letting people get into head so I don’t know what TO BE CONTINUED…………………

4. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (LW: 2)
This team is cool when it’s smooth sailing but when adversity strikes it’s like they’re in steerage on the Titanic. Johnny is mad at Kenny for not wanting to go into the Jungle for some reason while Tyler is freaking out at everyone that voted them in. Maybe it’s karma for Johnny throwing cookies at Mike Mike and a water bottle at Cara Maria when they were both crying. Now Tyler is getting into hissy fits with Paula and Roy Lee instead of getting ready for the Jungle, which appears to be a very physical competition involving football pads and ramming your opponent. I’m going to go ahead and give CT the advantage on this one. Tyler and Johnny both competed against CT during the last Challenge so they at least know what they’re getting into but can anyone truly prepare for the beast?  I haven’t been this excited for a rematch since Tyson-Holyfield II and I would say that once again there’s a high chance somebody gets a body part eaten off. At least, hopefully things go better for Johnny than last time.

Sluts
1. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 1)
According to my very detailed notes, this was the only girls team that didn’t have somebody who cried. Works for me.

2. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 2)
Everything was going so well for Paula this year. No meltdowns. No backstabs. She has a boyfriend that she loves when she’s drunk. This is her best chance to win ever. She was enjoying her first night in Buenos Aires like anyone would, having a wrestling orgy while her skirt flies up and her ass has to get censored, when she decided to get involved with Wes and Cara Maria’s skirmish. Laurel would have none of that and opened up some past wounds. And thus, we had the obligatory Paula Walnuts crying scene that no Challenge season can go without. I got Paula’s back though. There’s nothing wrong with fake boobs.

3. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 3)
These girls are a mess. First, Wes dumps the soda on Cara Maria and she just sits there sobbing instead of getting back at him. Then, Laurel was really mean to Paula. Like really mean. You don’t talk about eating disorders. That’s a low blow. She did the same thing to Big Easy last year and then cried like a baby on the reunion because of it. Laurel, baby, you’re better than that. On the positive side, Laurel did defend Cara Maria and they seem to be bonding pretty well. They also made out at the Buenos Aires nightclub so they’ve got that going for them.

Love was in the air in the Challenge house this week. Or rather, everybody was “just having fun” with somebody else. I can’t remember another season where there were this many romantic relationships this late in the game. CT and Laurel. Wes and Mandi. Adam and Jenn with 2 n’s. Mike Mike and Paula. Johnny and Tyler. Kenny and his reflection. At the beginning, it’s all fun but eventually it starts affecting your strategy. That’s where we are now. Love is for losers. Onto the rankings:

Guys

1. Kenny & Wes (Last Week: 3)
There are no doubts that Mr. Beautiful has returned to form. Honestly, he was getting first place this week no matter what for his brilliant portrayal of Kenny Maria. Despite finishing the Challenge after Evelyn, Kenny nevertheless got to live out two of his fantasies this week: becoming a Ghostbuster and blasting Wes in the face with a high-powered hose like he was Peter North. You have to admire somebody that would rather torture their archnemesis than win a cash prize, especially as you do it with a smile on your face while he’s writhing in pain. That’s why Kenny is a champion. Plus, he knows not to cross the streams. Kenny even took off his blue shirt so Laurel and Cara Maria wouldn’t have the whole house against them in the Jungle. That’s something that could actually come back to help him in the future. Wes continued his relationship with Mandi and was ever the gentleman as he helped her clear the crabs away from her panties (that doesn’t sound good) under her bed.

[tie] 2. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (LW: 2)
Johnny and Tyler once again made it look easy at the Challenge, winning for their third time. Johnny even gave Tyler a gallant kiss on the hand in celebration. This team is by far getting along the best out of all the rivals. They even dress like pimps at the club, Johnny rocking a cig behind the ear and Tyler with the shades. Bonus points for friendship: Johnny for setting up Mike Mike’s love trap for Paula and Tyler for sassily standing up for his best friend Jenn with 2 n’s against Cara Maria.

[tie] 2. Abram
With Cara Maria stressing about having the entire house against her, it was a phone call to Abe that made her feel better and propel her to victory in the Jungle. DO NOT TALK SHIT ABOUT CARA MARIA’S BOYFRIEND OR HER HORSE!

3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 4)
Mike Mike FINALLY made out with Paula and then giggled like a schoolboy for five minutes. He also seemed to enjoy being lifted into the air by his crotch during the Challenge. Roy Lee got to avenge racism by shooting a Southern white boy with a high-powered hose for 20 minutes. Martin Luther King would have been proud.

4. Adam & CT (LW: 1)
CT threw Laurel under the bus this week and now doesn’t have a friend in the house, despite his yearning to be BFF’s with Adam. The thing I don’t understand is why CT is avoiding Laurel like the plague when she became an outcast only because she was hooking up with CT. He even wore a blue shirt to the Jungle. How dare he! CT also got called out for only having two outfits, which is gross although I like the fact that his “talking about the stock market” outfit involves a button-down that he only does one button on. Adam seems to be winning over the heart of Jenn with 2 n’s who suspects that he drugged her with “love potion.” Or as I call it rohypnol. Good luck with that, kids.

Sluts

1. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 2)
These girls epitomize what it means to be Challenge competitors. Both of them are hooking up with guys that they don’t really care about, which may end up costing them down the road. Mandi started the episode straddling Paula while Jenn with 2 n’s finished the episode slapping Cara Maria. Anytime somebody gets into a fight at a club and says, “Just because I’m making out, doesn’t mean I’m having sex,” you’re going to end up at the top of the power rankings. Jenn with 2 n’s confrontation with Cara Maria was so artful, so full of veteran savvy. She started out with the yelling in the face while clapping her hands and elevated to the barely-there spit and love slap. Jenn with 2 n’s knows the line that will get kicked off The Challenge and she does not cross it. She toes that line like she’s Michael Oher. It didn’t stop there. Jenn with 2 n’s continued to talk behind Cara Maria’s back at the house and did so wearing a white tank top that showed off her massive tits. That’s the veteran savvy I was talking about. It’s no surprise that Mandi got implants in the offseason. Being teammates with Jenn with 2 n’s made her raise her game up like the entire US basketball team at the 2010 World Championships.

2. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 1)
Paula is in the Finals. Hold on and let me repeat that. Paula is in the Finals. Not only that, but her and Ev steamrolled their way there by winning the Peter North Challenge. Paula also hooked up with Mike Mike, who seems to be a good influence on her. I just hope she didn’t hear Johnny call her an “old lady.”

3. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 4)
Must be that time of the month for these two. Cara Maria has mostly been silent but took exception to the fact that Jenn with 2 n’s might breeze to the Finals again without being in the Jungle. She shouldn’t have been complaining considering her and Laurel’s pathetic performance during the Challenge. And how bad does it suck to be Cara Maria? She got sprayed in the face for 20 minutes and ended up getting DQ’ed. I guess Laurel just isn’t cut out to be a Costa Rican firefighter. The real question is why did they want to compete against Jenn with 2 n’s and Mandi instead of Jasmine and Jonna? Jenn with 2 n’s is a tough bitch and Mandi can hold her own. Jasmine and Jonna are like four feet tall and 67 pounds each. The Jungle ended up being the biggest mismatch of the season. Cara Maria and Laurel just aren’t thinkers. There’s no way a team as physically-imposing as them should constantly end up in the Jungle and have the entire house turn against them. That’s what happens when you fall in love.

ELIMINATED: Jasmine & Jonna
I never liked them. Too much bark and not enough bite, so I’m going to talk about the news that the entire cast is going to Buenos Aires for the last guys’ Challenge and Finals. Everyone reacted like they’d won a lifetime supply of VD medication or something, but Cara Maria was right. They’re not going to Argentina for fun. They’re going for even more insane competitions. They were probably scouting locations for the show and the producers were like, “Costa Rica is great, but there’s no mountains. Let’s go to Buenos Aires for the final episodes and make Mike Mike cry.” So now the entire cast is dancing like idiots and CT is planning on seeing clowns in dog suits and dogs in clown suits, whatever that means. The preview looks brutal, almost as if the intensity of the first episodes had all been squeezed into the final few. I can’t wait. My prediction: pain.

Last Week’s Rankings

This week, D-Day came and it went about as well as Normandy did for the Allies. Except the exact opposite. The Evan-Johnny-Kenny/Wes wolfpack finally got CT in the Jungle but the beast managed to escape. He also found the affection of a new woman, as Mandi was dropped and did not take it well. Can somebody please just choke her already? That’s all that she wants. On to the rankings:

Guys

1. Adam & CT (Last Week: 2)
What a week for these fighters and lovers. After a strong showing in the Challenge in which they had to go first again, Adam and CT were predictably sent to the Jungle and emerged victorious against the supposed next-strongest team. CT still couldn’t win Adam’s friendship but found comfort in alpha female Laurel and the two bonded over homemade buttons and birdwatching. I can’t wait till their relationship is made into a romantic comedy starring Mickey Rourke and Minka Kelly. If anyone can pull off CT, it’s Rourke.  However, this can only happen if CT doesn’t rip Laurel’s face off, which is a distinct possibility. Adam and his dream girl Jenn with 2 n’s also seemed cozy and she didn’t shit-talk him this week to the rest of the cast. DOUBLE DATE!

2. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (LW: 1)
It was another under-the-radar week for these two but that’s how they like it: let everyone else get picked off while waiting for the final Challenge. Even though Johnny “prematurely evacuated” during the awesome Challenge, Tyler more than made up for it by giving a brilliant recap of all the relationships going on in the house.

[tie] 3. The Miz
The former Challenge and WWE Champion returned this week with an all-new career highlight: hosting the after-show. The Miz stirred things up and even initiated a little girl-on-girl action with Mandi and Laurel. Awesome.

[tie] 3. Kenny & Wes (LW: 5)
Mr. Beautiful is back! Kenny finally busted out of his rut and the duo not only didn’t get DQ’ed during the Challenge, but actually won it. Later, Kenny showed off his sensitive side by crying after Evan was eliminated. There’s no crying in The Challenge.

4. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 4)
These guys continue to hang on, due mainly to the fact that nobody is afraid of them winning. Nobody was happier that the Challenge involved hugging your partner as you flew through the air than Mike Mike. In fact, he dreamt about it the night before. Mike Mike also continues to woo Paula ever so slowly. It’s only going to be a few days now until he shares his bed with her as he reads from his prayer book. Nobody who has ever said, “Paula has everything you could ask for in a girl” has ever won The Challenge.

ELIMINATED: Evan & Nehemiah
Evan and Nehemiah were exactly what the producers had in mind when they developed the Rivals concept. These guys loathed each other. Evan didn’t help the cause when he unilaterally (sort of) threw the Challenge. T.J. was not amused. It’s hard to explain your plan to your teammate when you aren’t talking to each other, though. Unfortunately, Evan conducted his offseason training at Tim Horton’s and did not pull his weight in the Jungle. It’s never a good sign in this game when you’re sweating like Patrick Ewing during a playoff game, but Evan contributed a sense of humor to the show through his astute observations and will be missed. Anyone who talks about playing tummy sticks is a star in my book. It’s just too bad that he was finally felled by the “disease named CT.” Nehemiah didn’t talk much but he was a strong competitor and the remaining teams should consider themselves lucky that he is gone. The black guys on this show are dropping faster than in an 80’s horror movie. Be careful, Roy Lee!

Sluts

1. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 3)
This is the only girls team that consistently stays out of the drama and follows the group. Paula Walnuts isn’t the best athlete but she’s well-liked and Evelyn is no slouch. Normally, this is the point in the game where Paula would be backstabbed but there’s so many newbies, I don’t think it’s going to happen this time. This team may drop in the rankings if Paula doesn’t hook up with Mike Mike soon.

2. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 1)
After losing out on CT to Laurel, Mandi did the only thing a girl could do: she went on a crazy rampage and then hooked up with Wes. Mandi may be losing it and amazingly set the Challenge record for most consecutive obscenities bleeped out. I counted eight. It’s a good thing her partner is a smart, rational person like Jenn with 2 n’s. Or maybe not. However, Mandi gets a million bonus points for showing up on the after-show with new tit implants. She was always one of those girls that vacillated between pretty and ugly for me, but the boobies now have her permanently on the pretty side. Jenn with 2 n’s is also still seeing Adam, of whom he said, “When I came on The Challenge, I had 50,000 reasons to win. With Jenn, now I have 50,001.” I guess that means that Jenn with 2 n’s is worth $1.

3. Jasmine & Jonna (LW: 4)
It was a relatively quiet week for these two, especially Jasmine. That’s exactly what they (and us) needed. Nice job by Jasmine crawling underneath the bed to investigate Wes and Mandi’s hookup, but this team would still be in last place if it wasn’t for…

4. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 2)
Laurel, who finally won the heart of the beast by “talking to CT and getting to know him as a person.” I will pray for her soul. At least she showed up on the after-show with blonde hair. I’m still waiting for Cara Maria to break out the whips and chains.

Last Week’s Rankings

It was ladies’ night on The Challenge. Last week, I challenged Jenn with 2 n’s to step up and be the bitch we all knew she could be. Like the great champion that she is, she stepped up and delivered the goods. Should have renamed last night’s show The Challennge. The minx not only won the Against the Current canoeing challenge, but Jenn with 2 n’s played Adam like a fool and even more importantly inspired nearly the entire female cast to go skinny dipping. I haven’t seen that much Real World ass since Fratpad [NSFW!!!!!!!!!!]. On to the rankings:

Guys

1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (Last Week: 1)
Johnny and Tyler cruised to their second straight challenge victory and also learned to become lovers. OK, maybe not but these guys have chemistry on and off the playing field. Johnny’s eyes nearly welled up with tears when he saw Tyler skinny dipping with all the chicks. That’s pride, baby. That’s love. I can’t wait to see Tyler escaping from Johnny’s room from through the window as a mini Johnny Bananas head covers his crotch.

2. Adam & CT (LW: 3)
It was another quiet week for the beast CT, as the producers have apparently been putting tranquilizers in his drinks so he doesn’t get kicked off the show too early. CT also shunned both Mandi and Laurel in the hopes of finally winning Adam’s friendship. Adam, however, only had eyes for Jenn with 2 n’s as the two spent the night together and (maybe?) hooked up. Jenn with 2 n’s then shit-talked Adam to all the girls. Don’t think the wedding’s going to happen anytime soon.

3. Evan & Nehemiah (LW:2)
Did Nehemiah even talk in this episode? Doesn’t matter, as Evan has emerged as the Maya Angelou of The Challenge, literally from out of a box that Johnny Bananas was sitting on. Evan’s astute comments ranged from describing his canoeing skills as “I’m not Pocahontas” to likening Adam to a member of the Make-a-Wish Foundation for getting to spend time with Jenn with 2 n’s. Evan even quoted Michael Jordan as he inspired Adam to make a move on his betrothed. I can’t give this team second place, however, because Evan carried the annoying Jasmine back into the house as she was threatening to quit and then helped her talk things out with Jonna. Let her go next time!

4. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 5)
These guys keep delivering the comedy goods. From Mike Mike cackling like an old lady when people do impressions of him having sex to them canoeing backwards down the rapids, I have been thoroughly entertained. It’s going to be sad to see the rooks get thrown in The Jungle next week.

5. Kenny & Wes (LW: 4)
They just can’t get it going. The hatred between two of the greatest competitors The Challenge has ever seen is preventing Kenny and Wes from working as a team as they DQ’ed yet again. Kenny still hasn’t found his mojo. The only thing missing from the show is his brash charm. He’s not even making fun of the losers and freaks anymore.

Sluts

1. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 3)
I knew Jenn with 2 n’s had this in her. Like Dirk Nowitzki in the 2011 Finals, the savvy veteran raised her game up and set records for the most nudity on The Challenge within the first three minutes. Jenn with 2 n’s also has Adam wrapped around her little finger which could either help or hurt her. If CT finds out what she said about Adam, HE WILL RIP HER FACE OFF!

2. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW:1)
They didn’t do much last night, but Laurel was right there with Jenn with 2 n’s in the pool. That counts for something.

3. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 2)
See description above, although Paula only got her panties off before being thrown into the pool.

4. Jasmine & Jonna (LW: 4)
Jasmine is a horrible person. If Kenny was his usual self, she would be target #1. While her and Jonna were discussing strategy, Jasmine flipped out, cried, started smashing stuff, and even threatened to leave the show. She even committed the cardinal sin: she tried to take her mic off. Jasmine claimed she blacked out. I’d like to see what type of fight she’d get in if it wasn’t with her partner. These two are by far the weakest girls left on the show, physically and politically. They lucked out last night when Sarah and Katelynn couldn’t figure out the puzzle in The Jungle. If Jasmine and Jonna come in first place, I will go to Costa Rica to congratulate them.

ELIMINATED: Katelynn & Sarah
Katelynn is right up there with Shauvon for worst competitor of all-time. However, she is sorely lacking in the boobie department. Katelynn is afraid of nearly everything and then when the competition i=was a puzzle, she doubted herself and let her partner do it. Sarah hung tough but ultimately it wasn’t enough. She still has a bright future ahead of her.

Last Week’s Rankings