Love was in the air in the Challenge house this week. Or rather, everybody was “just having fun” with somebody else. I can’t remember another season where there were this many romantic relationships this late in the game. CT and Laurel. Wes and Mandi. Adam and Jenn with 2 n’s. Mike Mike and Paula. Johnny and Tyler. Kenny and his reflection. At the beginning, it’s all fun but eventually it starts affecting your strategy. That’s where we are now. Love is for losers. Onto the rankings:
Guys
1. Kenny & Wes (Last Week: 3)
There are no doubts that Mr. Beautiful has returned to form. Honestly, he was getting first place this week no matter what for his brilliant portrayal of Kenny Maria. Despite finishing the Challenge after Evelyn, Kenny nevertheless got to live out two of his fantasies this week: becoming a Ghostbuster and blasting Wes in the face with a high-powered hose like he was Peter North. You have to admire somebody that would rather torture their archnemesis than win a cash prize, especially as you do it with a smile on your face while he’s writhing in pain. That’s why Kenny is a champion. Plus, he knows not to cross the streams. Kenny even took off his blue shirt so Laurel and Cara Maria wouldn’t have the whole house against them in the Jungle. That’s something that could actually come back to help him in the future. Wes continued his relationship with Mandi and was ever the gentleman as he helped her clear the crabs away from her panties (that doesn’t sound good) under her bed.
[tie] 2. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (LW: 2)
Johnny and Tyler once again made it look easy at the Challenge, winning for their third time. Johnny even gave Tyler a gallant kiss on the hand in celebration. This team is by far getting along the best out of all the rivals. They even dress like pimps at the club, Johnny rocking a cig behind the ear and Tyler with the shades. Bonus points for friendship: Johnny for setting up Mike Mike’s love trap for Paula and Tyler for sassily standing up for his best friend Jenn with 2 n’s against Cara Maria.
[tie] 2. Abram
With Cara Maria stressing about having the entire house against her, it was a phone call to Abe that made her feel better and propel her to victory in the Jungle. DO NOT TALK SHIT ABOUT CARA MARIA’S BOYFRIEND OR HER HORSE!
3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 4)
Mike Mike FINALLY made out with Paula and then giggled like a schoolboy for five minutes. He also seemed to enjoy being lifted into the air by his crotch during the Challenge. Roy Lee got to avenge racism by shooting a Southern white boy with a high-powered hose for 20 minutes. Martin Luther King would have been proud.
4. Adam & CT (LW: 1)
CT threw Laurel under the bus this week and now doesn’t have a friend in the house, despite his yearning to be BFF’s with Adam. The thing I don’t understand is why CT is avoiding Laurel like the plague when she became an outcast only because she was hooking up with CT. He even wore a blue shirt to the Jungle. How dare he! CT also got called out for only having two outfits, which is gross although I like the fact that his “talking about the stock market” outfit involves a button-down that he only does one button on. Adam seems to be winning over the heart of Jenn with 2 n’s who suspects that he drugged her with “love potion.” Or as I call it rohypnol. Good luck with that, kids.
Sluts
1. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 2)
These girls epitomize what it means to be Challenge competitors. Both of them are hooking up with guys that they don’t really care about, which may end up costing them down the road. Mandi started the episode straddling Paula while Jenn with 2 n’s finished the episode slapping Cara Maria. Anytime somebody gets into a fight at a club and says, “Just because I’m making out, doesn’t mean I’m having sex,” you’re going to end up at the top of the power rankings. Jenn with 2 n’s confrontation with Cara Maria was so artful, so full of veteran savvy. She started out with the yelling in the face while clapping her hands and elevated to the barely-there spit and love slap. Jenn with 2 n’s knows the line that will get kicked off The Challenge and she does not cross it. She toes that line like she’s Michael Oher. It didn’t stop there. Jenn with 2 n’s continued to talk behind Cara Maria’s back at the house and did so wearing a white tank top that showed off her massive tits. That’s the veteran savvy I was talking about. It’s no surprise that Mandi got implants in the offseason. Being teammates with Jenn with 2 n’s made her raise her game up like the entire US basketball team at the 2010 World Championships.
2. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 1)
Paula is in the Finals. Hold on and let me repeat that. Paula is in the Finals. Not only that, but her and Ev steamrolled their way there by winning the Peter North Challenge. Paula also hooked up with Mike Mike, who seems to be a good influence on her. I just hope she didn’t hear Johnny call her an “old lady.”
3. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 4)
Must be that time of the month for these two. Cara Maria has mostly been silent but took exception to the fact that Jenn with 2 n’s might breeze to the Finals again without being in the Jungle. She shouldn’t have been complaining considering her and Laurel’s pathetic performance during the Challenge. And how bad does it suck to be Cara Maria? She got sprayed in the face for 20 minutes and ended up getting DQ’ed. I guess Laurel just isn’t cut out to be a Costa Rican firefighter. The real question is why did they want to compete against Jenn with 2 n’s and Mandi instead of Jasmine and Jonna? Jenn with 2 n’s is a tough bitch and Mandi can hold her own. Jasmine and Jonna are like four feet tall and 67 pounds each. The Jungle ended up being the biggest mismatch of the season. Cara Maria and Laurel just aren’t thinkers. There’s no way a team as physically-imposing as them should constantly end up in the Jungle and have the entire house turn against them. That’s what happens when you fall in love.
ELIMINATED: Jasmine & Jonna
I never liked them. Too much bark and not enough bite, so I’m going to talk about the news that the entire cast is going to Buenos Aires for the last guys’ Challenge and Finals. Everyone reacted like they’d won a lifetime supply of VD medication or something, but Cara Maria was right. They’re not going to Argentina for fun. They’re going for even more insane competitions. They were probably scouting locations for the show and the producers were like, “Costa Rica is great, but there’s no mountains. Let’s go to Buenos Aires for the final episodes and make Mike Mike cry.” So now the entire cast is dancing like idiots and CT is planning on seeing clowns in dog suits and dogs in clown suits, whatever that means. The preview looks brutal, almost as if the intensity of the first episodes had all been squeezed into the final few. I can’t wait. My prediction: pain.
Rainman Suite 
I love “The Challenge,” but I was pretty upset when I saw what the producers had in store in the Jungle. The offensive lineman challenge? Was there any doubt that CM&L would destroy J&J?
It was so obvious that the producers chose a mismatched challenge in order to keep CM&L in the house to create drama… but considering that I only watch the show for the drama and don’t really care about the competitive aspects, why the hell am I complaining?
God, I hope you’re being sarcastic about Jenn with 2 n’s.
tangentially related to the challenge, jonathan bananas has filed a lawsuit against hbo for entourage’s storyline involving drama’s new cartoon show ‘johnny’s bananas.’
in the unreality johnny bananas lives in, he seems convinced entourage cribbed his likeness:
“the cartoon ape they seemed to create out of thin air, who just so happens to go by the name Johnny Bananas — is in no way coincidental.”
in this regard, johnny is correct; he is a cartoon ape — he’s an anthropomorphic meatheaded simian. but to suggest the writers of entourage know who he is and are attempting to capitalize on his brand is ludicrous.
Andrew Dice Clay has a fat cock LOL