Rainman Suite

Wow. That has to go down as the most intense competition in Challenge history. In fact, I’d say that the two-day event has to be up there with any athletic endeavor ever. Ultra-marathon? Fuck that. The Challenge: Rivals takes the cake. In the end, we also learned a valuable life lesson, that a real team is better than just the sum of its parts. Both Johnny/Tyler and Ev/Paula had put aside their past differences and supported each other and it helped them achieve the ultimate prize: $400 and a pair of Beats by Dr. Dre headphones. Just kidding. Now that the show is over, it’s only fair to rank all the teams in descending order. On to the rankings:

Guys

NO CHANCE IN HELL

9. Adam R.
Adam got sent home the first night for punching Ty. How did Ty get Adam riled up? He called him “guy.” I love the drunken erratic behavior but it needs to be a bit more focused next time. Go to counseling, bulk up, and we’ll hopefully see you soon.

8. Abram Pillow

7. Brandon & Ty
Ty is a horrible competitor. He’s weird, he never shuts up, and he hasn’t had sex for years because he doesn’t like the girls in Hollywood. What’s not to like, bro? Despite his imposing stature, he’s also horrible at the physical challenges. Brandon is small but he has a lot of heart and almost single-handedly sent Wes and Kenny home. He could be a force in the future.

6. Davis & Tyrie
This team never had a chance without the support of the rest of the cast and were the first guys team thrown into the Jungle and the first guys team eliminated. You gotta remember that this is more a social game than anything. At least Tyrie got it in. Am I the only one that can’t tell Ty and Tyrie apart? Can the producers stop bringing Ty back for this reason?

SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA

5. Kenny & Wes
Despite coming in second place and winning $50,000, these jabronis never stopped arguing and it cost them in the end. Their beef was more important than the competition. They squandered their huge athletic advantage and made boneheaded mistakes all throughout the Finals (putting shards of anything in your sock is not a good idea). Kenny was off all season and Wes never stopped letting him hear it. Too bad he was completely underwhelming in the Finals. Being mean to Cara Maria for no reason didn’t help matters either.

4. Evan & Nehemiah
Another team with chemistry problems. By the end of their stay, they weren’t even talking to each other. It’s a shame they left so early because Nehemiah is a strong competitor and Evan is hilarious. He and Kenny need to host the Jersey Shore after-show or something. Evan also probably would have done great during the eating portion of the Finals.

3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee
The rookies surprised everyone this season by making it to the Finals. Of course, they weren’t as strong as the other teams. That’s why they made it so far. Still, they played the game well and made friends along the way. Mike Mike finally got a girl and gives the show much-needed levity while Roy Lee may have been the most under-the-radar player. Make no mistake, he’s a strong dude and he likes to party. Expect a breakout season next time around.

THE REAL DEAL

2. Adam & CT
The beast CT was the most compelling cast member. He straddled a thin line between maniac and intellectual, and managed to create relationships in the house without getting too deep into alliances, which bogs the game down. He also did not rip anyone’s face off. It’s too bad we didn’t get to see what he could have done in the Finals. He’ll have to work on climbing rope ladders up helicopters. Adam didn’t slow CT down until the final Jungle, but when he did it cost them. Gotta know the rules of the game! At least he got a piece of the lovely Jenn with 2 n’s.

1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler
Johnny finally redeemed himself after being humiliated by CT last season and Tyler won his second Challenge in a row. Most importantly, they put their personal problems behind them and helped each other reach greater heights. They persevered against CT, the mountain, and everyone else. They are true champions.

Sluts

BACK TO THE WHOREHOUSE

7. Jasmine & Jonna
This team was horrible, especially the annoying Jasmine. Although they impressively won a Jungle, they did a horrible job playing the game, complained too much, and Jasmine was out of control with the tantrums. These girls are too tiny to ever put up numbers on The Challenge. They need some performance-enhancing implants. Also, didn’t Jonna used to look a lot cuter?

6. Camila & Theresa
These geniuses thought they could pretend to quit to psych out their opponents in the Jungle. It didn’t work. It’s a good thing they’re both pretty hot and hotheaded.

5. Aneesa & Robin
These girls are normally pretty strong and volunteered to go into the first Jungle to take out Ev and Paula. It didn’t work. Sometimes it pays to vote yourself into an elimination but most of the time it doesn’t.

BITCH GOES DOWN

4. Katelynn & Sarah
I love Sarah. She’s everything you could ask for on The Challenge, but for the life of me why does Katelynn continue to be on these shows when she doesn’t want to do any of the activities? Does she think she’s going to win because everyone is going to quit? Her spot could be given to somebody with a better chance of winning. Like Shauvon.

3. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi
This is the team Jasmine and Jonna should strive to become. They’re fun party girls that take their clothes off, hook up, and get into fights, but somehow don’t let it get too out of hand. Of course, they’re not the best at physical competitions. At least Jenn with 2 n’s is feisty. I’m excited to see how Mandi will perform with her new implants.

QUEEN B’S

2. Cara Maria & Laurel
Laurel is a specimen. So is Cara Maria, just in a different way. Laurel remained as bitchy as ever, but she did manage to forge a bond with Cara Maria. These girls came so close to winning but I think Cara Maria would have pulled it out if she had her horse and her Abram.

1. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts
Paula won a Challenge! Paula won a Challenge! It’s like my mom always says, “Eighth time is a charm.” Looks like the veteran of the backstab just needed a partner who was a friend. Who would’ve thought it was Evelyn? Like Johnny and Tyler, these girls used their newfound friendship to their advantage and overcame the mighty Laurel. Ev has always been a great competitor and Paula can finally hold her head high as she heads back to the party circuit and shows Dunbar’s little brother her tits.

Last Week’s Rankings