Kenny and Wes had it in the bag. Johnny and Tyler were worn out from eliminating the beast CT and Tyler was so sick that a doctor recommended that he not compete in the Finals. Roy Lee and Mike Mike…well, Mike Mike wasn’t made for climbing mountains. Kenny and Wes are both former Champions with four wins between them. The Rivals concept threw them off, though. These guys don’t didn’t just dislike each other, they didn’t respect each other. These guys were like Shaq and Kobe in 2004.
Despite everything, they were still leading the pack on the way up the mountain with their ball and chain for $100,000. That is, until Wes decided to to break up said ball and put the shards in his socks. You do not want anything jagged cutting into your body during the Challenge Finals. Even when his legs started bleeding, Wes insisted he was OK. He and Kenny continued to traverse the mountain until Wes couldn’t go anymore. Kenny then valiantly carried Wes literally on his back up the mountain. They still reached the checkpoint earlier than any other team, but you have to believe the toll had been taken on both of them.
Wes, baby, you rocked it all season, but you just didn’t get it. You couldn’t win if you didn’t work with your partner. Even when you were busy winning Challenges and Jungles, you were undermining Kenny. If you want to talk shit, you have to back it up. Your Finals performance was weak. You puked more than any of the chicks. There’s more to The Challenge than just the physical game. When you win, you can talk. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Who else? Paula Walnuts shocked the world by winning The Challenge: Rivals with her partner Evelyn. After losing in seven previous seasons of the show, she avoided becoming the greatest loser in Challenge history. Paula had a history of making it far, then getting blindsided by the people she aligned with. It’s like thinking you’re going out with the cool kids, only to get uninvited when there’s not enough room in the car. Well Paula, you’re finally a cool kid. I hope you let Laurel know about it. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Before he was WWF Champion The Miz, he was Challenge Champion Mike Mizanin, winner of Battle of the Seasons and The Inferno II. Who would have thought that he would go on to be in the main event at WrestleMania? It still pales in comparison to competing against Jeremy in the candle-holding Inferno.
Wow. That has to go down as the most intense competition in Challenge history. In fact, I’d say that the two-day event has to be up there with any athletic endeavor ever. Ultra-marathon? Fuck that. The Challenge: Rivals takes the cake. In the end, we also learned a valuable life lesson, that a real team is better than just the sum of its parts. Both Johnny/Tyler and Ev/Paula had put aside their past differences and supported each other and it helped them achieve the ultimate prize: $400 and a pair of Beats by Dr. Dre headphones. Just kidding. Now that the show is over, it’s only fair to rank all the teams in descending order. On to the rankings:
Guys
NO CHANCE IN HELL
9. Adam R. Adam got sent home the first night for punching Ty. How did Ty get Adam riled up? He called him “guy.” I love the drunken erratic behavior but it needs to be a bit more focused next time. Go to counseling, bulk up, and we’ll hopefully see you soon.
8. AbramPillow
7. Brandon & Ty Ty is a horrible competitor. He’s weird, he never shuts up, and he hasn’t had sex for years because he doesn’t like the girls in Hollywood. What’s not to like, bro? Despite his imposing stature, he’s also horrible at the physical challenges. Brandon is small but he has a lot of heart and almost single-handedly sent Wes and Kenny home. He could be a force in the future.
6. Davis & Tyrie This team never had a chance without the support of the rest of the cast and were the first guys team thrown into the Jungle and the first guys team eliminated. You gotta remember that this is more a social game than anything. At least Tyrie got it in. Am I the only one that can’t tell Ty and Tyrie apart? Can the producers stop bringing Ty back for this reason?
SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA
5. Kenny & Wes Despite coming in second place and winning $50,000, these jabronis never stopped arguing and it cost them in the end. Their beef was more important than the competition. They squandered their huge athletic advantage and made boneheaded mistakes all throughout the Finals (putting shards of anything in your sock is not a good idea). Kenny was off all season and Wes never stopped letting him hear it. Too bad he was completely underwhelming in the Finals. Being mean to Cara Maria for no reason didn’t help matters either.
4. Evan & Nehemiah Another team with chemistry problems. By the end of their stay, they weren’t even talking to each other. It’s a shame they left so early because Nehemiah is a strong competitor and Evan is hilarious. He and Kenny need to host the Jersey Shore after-show or something. Evan also probably would have done great during the eating portion of the Finals.
3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee The rookies surprised everyone this season by making it to the Finals. Of course, they weren’t as strong as the other teams. That’s why they made it so far. Still, they played the game well and made friends along the way. Mike Mike finally got a girl and gives the show much-needed levity while Roy Lee may have been the most under-the-radar player. Make no mistake, he’s a strong dude and he likes to party. Expect a breakout season next time around.
THE REAL DEAL
2. Adam & CT
The beast CT was the most compelling cast member. He straddled a thin line between maniac and intellectual, and managed to create relationships in the house without getting too deep into alliances, which bogs the game down. He also did not rip anyone’s face off. It’s too bad we didn’t get to see what he could have done in the Finals. He’ll have to work on climbing rope ladders up helicopters. Adam didn’t slow CT down until the final Jungle, but when he did it cost them. Gotta know the rules of the game! At least he got a piece of the lovely Jenn with 2 n’s.
1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler
Johnny finally redeemed himself after being humiliated by CT last season and Tyler won his second Challenge in a row. Most importantly, they put their personal problems behind them and helped each other reach greater heights. They persevered against CT, the mountain, and everyone else. They are true champions.
Sluts
BACK TO THE WHOREHOUSE
7. Jasmine & Jonna This team was horrible, especially the annoying Jasmine. Although they impressively won a Jungle, they did a horrible job playing the game, complained too much, and Jasmine was out of control with the tantrums. These girls are too tiny to ever put up numbers on The Challenge. They need some performance-enhancing implants. Also, didn’t Jonna used to look a lot cuter?
6. Camila & Theresa These geniuses thought they could pretend to quit to psych out their opponents in the Jungle. It didn’t work. It’s a good thing they’re both pretty hot and hotheaded.
5. Aneesa & Robin These girls are normally pretty strong and volunteered to go into the first Jungle to take out Ev and Paula. It didn’t work. Sometimes it pays to vote yourself into an elimination but most of the time it doesn’t.
BITCH GOES DOWN
4. Katelynn & Sarah I love Sarah. She’s everything you could ask for on The Challenge, but for the life of me why does Katelynn continue to be on these shows when she doesn’t want to do any of the activities? Does she think she’s going to win because everyone is going to quit? Her spot could be given to somebody with a better chance of winning. Like Shauvon.
3. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi This is the team Jasmine and Jonna should strive to become. They’re fun party girls that take their clothes off, hook up, and get into fights, but somehow don’t let it get too out of hand. Of course, they’re not the best at physical competitions. At least Jenn with 2 n’s is feisty. I’m excited to see how Mandi will perform with her new implants.
QUEEN B’S
2. Cara Maria & Laurel Laurel is a specimen. So is Cara Maria, just in a different way. Laurel remained as bitchy as ever, but she did manage to forge a bond with Cara Maria. These girls came so close to winning but I think Cara Maria would have pulled it out if she had her horse and her Abram.
1. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts Paula won a Challenge! Paula won a Challenge! It’s like my mom always says, “Eighth time is a charm.” Looks like the veteran of the backstab just needed a partner who was a friend. Who would’ve thought it was Evelyn? Like Johnny and Tyler, these girls used their newfound friendship to their advantage and overcame the mighty Laurel. Ev has always been a great competitor and Paula can finally hold her head high as she heads back to the party circuit and shows Dunbar’s little brother her tits.
The stage is set. Three teams each from the guys and the girls took on an enormous mountain with $100,000 going to the winners and nothing for the losers. JoshyBananas, SnatchWalnuts, and BoozySleazy joined me in the Suite for this momentous occasion. Here’s what transpired.
9:57-Farrah from Teen Mom is hot. I need to start watching that show.
9:59-They play a preview of the finale. Looks like it’s going to be crazier than we expected. The mountain is huge and for some reason, they’re camping out in the wilderness. Oh, and puking.
10:03-The competitors are going to have to carry a heavy concrete ball with them the whole time. That’s not going to be fun. Ev and Paula struggle with theirs while Laurel picks it up like a volleyball. Cara Maria wants to name it “Rocky.” Good to know she’s focused. Rocky should date the Abram pillow.
10:04-Johnny Bananas and Tyler finish canoeing a bit behind Kenny and Wes. They change from their wetsuits into running outfits. Somehow a bandana appears out of nowhere for Bananas to wear. As Tim Gunn would tell you, “It’s all about the accessories.”
10:05-The kids have to memorize a campsite setup down to the smallest detail for later in the game. It’s Mike Mike’s time to shine!
10:07-The next activity involves moving dirt from a pile into a trough. Looks like the producers figured out a way to have somebody do their chores for them. This is the smartest idea since Mr. Miyagi made Daniel-san paint his fence and wax his car.
Cara Maria Sorbello has two loves in life: her horse and her boyfriend, Abram. She’s a bit of a flake but she’s managed to make it to the Finals of Rivals. She’s actually quite hot but she’s one of the few chicks on the show that doesn’t get consistently blasted and starts taking her clothes off and start hooking up. It’s a shame. She’s got a great bod. She also likes to dress in leather and use her whip on anyone who’s been naughty. Better watch your back, Wes. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
In The Challenge, Mary Kate and Ashley play sisters who hate each other yet unwittingly end up on the same game show on a tropical island to win scholarships. That’s crazy! One loves to eat, the other is a vegetarian! One loves nature, the other hates nature! That’s crazy! And they both fall in love with older-looking guys while competing! That’s crazy! Now I know why they became such big movie stars.
Jenn with 2 n’s, or Jenn Grijalva if you’re not cool like me, is what every other girl on The Challenge should aspire to be. She’s athletically competitive, will hook up with any guy or girl on a whim, and isn’t afraid to get into a fight at the drop of a hat after a night of drinking. Plus, great fake tits. She should be on the show every season. You never know what’s she’s going to do and that’s what makes it so damn exciting. I simultaneously want to hook up with her and have her punch me in the face, all while we’re dangling 30 feet over a lake. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
It’s finally time to find out who’s gonna win this bitch. Three teams are left for the guys, three teams are left for the chicks. The Finals have already begun but there’s still a long way to go. A long, long way to go. Let’s handicap the remaining teams, shall we?
Guys
Johnny Bananas & Tyler (3 to 2) Johnny and Tyler have established a bit of a lead through the canoeing portion of the Finals. They’re also the team with the best chemistry, something that shouldn’t be overrated. There’s no greater motivation when undertaking an extreme physical activity than when you’re doing it for a friend. However, Tyler is competing against doctor’s wishes after getting sick and both guys must be worn out after the brutal beating they received at the hands of CT in the final Jungle. Not what you want when you’re about to climb a mountain.
Kenny & Wes (4 to 1) This team is collectively the most physically fit but something has been missing all season. They obviously didn’t work out their hatred for one another during the taping of their 7-11 commercials. Kenny has been performing below average and Wes has done nothing but take passive aggressive shots at him. I’m also worried about Wes’s endurance. It’s been a problem in the past. These two geniuses might have trouble solving puzzles along the way as well, considering they didn’t even get in their canoe the right way.
Mike Mike & Roy Lee (25 to 1) Poor Roy Lee. His first partner got kicked off the show almost before the cameras started rolling and now he has to climb a mountain with the willing-yet-unable Mike Mike. I like these guys. I really do, but I think the question isn’t if they will win but if they will finish within an hour of the winners. That’s the only reason they made the Finals in the first place. Nobody thought they were much of a threat so they kept moving on. We’ll have to see if that strategy works.
Sluts
Cara Maria & Laurel (3 to 1) Laurel is such a dominating figure on the women’s side. I have no doubt she will do great in the Finals, but how will Cara Maria do without her Abram pillow? I’m also worried how this team will do if it really does come down to the wire. Laurel is a competitive freak and Cara Maria constantly needs somebody to give her support. Not a good match.
Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (6 to 1) After eight Challenges, maybe Paula finally has the hang of this thing. Her and Ev started out the Finals surprisingly well but you know there’s that big mountain waiting for them. Paula is supposedly a good runner but she’s just so damn unlucky. Then again, she has extra motivation to end the streak and show up Laurel for all the shit-talking she did in Buenos Aires.
Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (69 to 1) They couldn’t even steer the canoe in a straight line. We’ll be lucky if they cross the finish line before end of the show. T.J. may just leave them in Patagonia.
Tomorrow night after the finale be on the lookout for a running diary of what is shaping up to be an awesome finish to Rivals.
This is what Challenge Week is all about. For the Duel II intro, the competitors performed the Haka dance for the opening credits, which is indigenous to New Zealand where the show was being held. The result is an intense, hilarious display highlighted by Evan’s strong opening and Nick’s Jordan-esque tongue. Less than a day later, they were all goofing off in footy pajamas when CT punched his future partner Adam in the face in one of the greatest moments in Challenge history. Luckily they eventually reconciled and became friends.
Rainman Suite 
