It seemed like it would be easy to figure out. Teams that stayed together through the lockout would come out of the gate flying and defenses would rule the day as offenses struggled to jell. Instead, there were upsets aplenty and it was a near historic week for offenses. It’s kind of like when you start dating a girl. Everything is going well and you think you know what to expect. That was the preseason. Pretty soon, you find out she has night terrors and hits you while you’re sleeping. Not that it’s happened to me before. We all got slapped in the face by a sleeping girl in WEEK 1, with a combined 28-42 record and only I managed to stay above .500. Rory has guaranteed victory this week with at least nine wins, which would equal the win total of the 2011 Nets. Let’s see what lessons we learned for WEEK 2.
BEARS AT SAINTS (-6.5)
Stone: Saints
I can’t imagine the Saints starting 0-2.
Rodave: Saints
Rory: Bears
DP Animal: Saints
Last week’s showing against the Falcons was impressive for Chicago, but they’ll face a different challenge this week against a Saints team looking to put the season opener behind them.
Phanatic: Saints
CHIEFS AT LIONS (-8.5)
Stone: Lions
Detroit looks like a legit threat to make the playoffs. If Matt Stafford stays healthy, that is.
Rodave: Lions
Rory: Lions
DP Animal: Lions
Detroit’s dismantling of Tampa Bay might just be the sign of a Lions team ready to actually push for the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Chiefs are coming off their worst home loss ever, with question marks up and down their roster. If momentum can kick in after one week, this one looks pretty straightforward.
Phanatic: Lions
JAGUARS AT JETS (-8.5)
Stone: Jaguars
The Jets’ll pull this one out, but it’s going to be one of their ugly 12-10 games.
Rodave: Jets
If you didn’t know by now, this team’s for real.
Rory: Jets
Where’s basketball?
DP Animal: Jets
Phanatic: Jets
RAIDERS AT BILLS (-3.5)
Stone: Bills
Rodave: Raiders
Rory: Bills
I assume that when the NBA financials are examined more closely, we’ll find out that David Stern is the head of a massive crystal meth distribution center.
DP Animal: Bills
Fear the beard!
Phanatic: Bills
CARDINALS AT REDSKINS (-3.5)
Stone: Redskins
Rodave: Redskins
Rory: Cardinals
Stern’s main cooks are an elderly man with cancer (Adam Silver) and a young hothead drug deal (Stephon Marbury).
DP Animal: Redskins
Lost in the hype around Cam Newton’s amazing debut (and it was amazing) is the fact that the Cardinals secondary is utter garbage. It pains me to say it, but I expect a big game from Rex Grossman this week.
Phanatic: Redskins
RAVENS (-5.5) AT TITANS
Stone: Ravens
Rodave: Ravens
Fine, I bet against them last week. It was wrong. AFC goes to one of three teams this year, and this is one of them.
Rory: Ravens
DP Animal: Ravens
While they won’t force seven turnovers again any time soon, the Ravens should be encouraged mightily by the ease with which they ran the ball against the Steelers. This week, they’ll face a Tennessee team that’s simply ill-prepared to move the ball against a skilled defense.
Phanatic: Ravens
SEAHAWKS AT STEELERS (-14.5)
Stone: Steelers
Rodave: Steelers
Rory: Steelers
Blowouts are the best. Like this one! I miss basketball.
DP Animal: Steelers
Hey NFL, thanks a lot for making Bill Leavy the referee for this game. That worked out really well the last time around.
Phanatic: Steelers
Steelers are frustrated and looking to beat up on someone – perfect timing!
PACKERS (-9.5) AT PANTHERS
Stone: Packers
Rodave: Packers
Rory: Packers
The Nets hired PJ Carlesimo. I miss basketball.
DP Animal: Packers
Cam Newton won’t have to come close to his numbers from last week for me to be impressed, but he’ll obviously face a challenge of a different magnitude against the defending Champs. If he struggles here, it doesn’t exactly doom him long-term.
Phanatic: Packers
Let’s see how Cam fares against a real team.
BUCCANEERS AT VIKINGS (-2.5)
Stone: Vikings
What’s in your wallet?
Rodave: Vikings
Rory: Buccaneers
DP Animal: Buccaneers
A lot went wrong for Tampa in week one, but I expect them to right the ship (hooray for nautical puns) in Minnesota. The Vikings remain a tremendously limited team.
Phanatic: Buccaneers
BROWNS (-2.5) AT COLTS
Stone: Browns
Whoever loses this one is in the pole position for worst team in the league. At least the Colts have an excuse.
Rodave: Colts
Rory: Browns
DP Animal: Browns
Phanatic: Colts
People reallllllly think nothing of the Colts these days.
COWBOYS (-2.5) AT 49ERS
Stone: Cowboys
I’m not as down on the 49ers as much as others but the Cowboys have too much firepower.
Rodave: Cowboys
Rory: Cowboys
DP Animal: Cowboys
The 33-17 score in the Niners’ last game obscures the fact that Jim Harbaugh had no trust in Alex Smith, running the ball 33 times and passing it just 20. That’s a ratio right out of 1975, not 2011, and it’s not a good sign for either Smith or the team. When your coach repeatedly runs the ball on third-and-long, your days as a starting QB are drawing to a close.
Phanatic: Cowboys
TEXANS (-2.5) AT DOLPHINS
Stone: Texans
Rodave: Texans
Rory: Texans
Listen, I love gambling as much as the next guy, but I always lose.
DP Animal: Dolphins
It feels like the Texans hype has gotten a bit out of hand lately.
Phanatic: Texans
CHARGERS AT PATRIOTS (-6.5)
Stone: Patriots
Rodave: Patriots
Rory: Patriots
However, I am doing a “dry run” for the Vegas Hilton SuperContest. Basically, I pick the 5 games I feel most confident about, and I somehow went 3-2 last week. You can follow my picks at bradbogner.blogspot.com.
DP Animal: Chargers
Same with the Patriots.
Phanatic: Patriots
BENGALS AT BRONCOS (-3.5)
Stone: Bengals
When both teams suck this bad, take the points.
Rodave: Broncos
Rory: Bengals
DP Animal: Bengals
Your 2-0 Cincinnati Bengals!
Phanatic: Broncos
DREAM TEAM (-2.5) AT FALCONS
Stone: Falcons
Despite the score in their last game, the Dream Team still has some serious flaws. Somebody should tell Mike Vick it doesn’t count as a catch when you bounce the throw.
Rodave: Dream Team
It won’t be a repeat of 1992 against Croatia, but Dream Team all the way.
Rory: Dream Team
I hate the fucking Eagles man, but I have to pick them until they suck.
DP Animal: Falcons
Phanatic: Dream Team
Need I state the obvious? Jason Avant’s homecoming!! …he’s from Cartersville, Georgia.
RAMS AT GIANTS (-5.5)
Stone: Giants
Rodave: Giants
Rory: Giants
DP Animal: Rams
I actually like the upset here: that Giants defense is a mess, and losing Steven Jackson may not hurt that much, since Cadillac Williams is in one of his rare “healthy” phases.
Phanatic: Giants
Can’t wait to watch two terribly injured teams.
CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 8-6
Rodave: 6-8
Rory: 5-9
Phanatic: 5-9
DP Animal: 4-10
Rainman Suite 