The Saints-Packers game was a real barnburner last night. Didn’t catch it. I was at Fashion’s Night Out. It might have been better than Halloween. I know that’s sacrilegious but it’s true. Tell a girl they need to look fashionable and they will dress like a whore. They’re so competitive. It’s like who can dress like the biggest whore in New York. Plus half the chicks were taller than me and still about half my weight. It was a fantastic time. You also can’t underestimate how fun it is to go into a store with a DJ blasting club music. And that, my friends, is my expert analysis of the Saints-Packers game. Onto the WEEK 1 picks!
STEELERS AT RAVENS (-1.5)
Stone: Steelers
Rodave: Steelers
Rory: Steelers
Pittsburgh is known for its gay steel mills. Therefore, they should win this game.
DP Animal: Steelers
I don’t buy the Ravens this year: too old on defense, and Joe Flacco seems just good enough to lose a lot of close games to good teams. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh remains one of the league’s best teams.
Phanatic: Steelers
FALCONS (-2.5) AT BEARS
Stone: Falcons
Rodave: Falcons
Rory: Falcons
Falcons can fly. Bears can’t.
DP Animal: Falcons
Playoff flameout or not, the Falcons were one of the two or three best teams in the league last year, and I don’t expect much to have changed. Matt Ryan is among the best quarterbacks in the league, and the Bears won’t get every lucky break like they did a year ago.
Phanatic: Falcons
BENGALS AT BROWNS (-6.5)
Stone: Bengals
I like the Brownies to win this game but they’re still a young team and aren’t going to run away with it.
Rodave: Browns
Rory: Browns
Cincinnati? More like Cinci-crappy!
DP Animal: Browns
Sorry to say it, but I’m something of a Colt McCoy believer. He was better than Sam Bradford a year ago, only no one seemed to notice. Meanwhile, the Bengals are the worst franchise in the league.
Phanatic: Browns
COLTS AT TEXANS (-1.5)
Stone: Texans
Rodave: Colts
Rory: Texans
Peyton Manning has a herniated disc. The same injury happened to Lucious Harris in the 2003-04 Nets season, which is the only reason they didn’t win the championship that year.
DP Animal: Texans
I think the Texans are somewhat overrated, but the Colts without Peyton Manning will be terrible.
Phanatic: Texans
Are you ready for some football??? OK, OK, I know it started on Thursday but just the sheer act of getting to pick so many games is making me giddy. Question #1 on my mind is how will the Colts play without Peyton Manning?
LIONS AT BUCCANEERS (-0.5)
Stone: Buccaneers
Why does everyone think the Lions are going to be good?
Rodave: Buccaneers
Rory: Buccaneers
DP Animal: Buccaneers
Not buying the Lions hype either: talent on defense, but we still don’t have any evidence besides draft position that Stafford is more than a mediocre, injury-prone QB. Tampa has quietly assembled an excellent young core of talent.
Phanatic: Buccaneers
DREAM TEAM (-4.5) AT RAMS
Stone: Rams
Vick on the turf is hard to beat but so is the Rams’ D.
Rodave: Dream Team
Rory: Dream Team
DP Animal: Dream Team
Dream Team! Also, the Rams are another team that’s getting hyped because of the rep of their young QB, even if Bradford’s year was built on six-yard passes.
Phanatic: Dream Team
The theme for this week will be teams trying to start off with a bang and prove themselves after much off-season news/speculation. All eyes especially will be on the Eagles.
GIANTS (-2.5) AT REDSKINS
Stone: Giants
Rodave: Giants
If the Giants don’t win this week, I short the entire season. The week of the tenth year anniversary of 9/11 in Washington, DC against a division ‘rival’ that has been floundering for seasons. If that doesn’t get your adrenaline rushing, nothing will.
Rory: Giants
I don’t think the Giants will do well this season, but for fuck’s sake, it’s the Redskins.
DP Animal: Giants
Phanatic: Giants
PANTHERS AT CARDINALS (-6.5)
Stone: Panthers
Rodave: Cardinals
Rory: Cardinals
A total ‘good karma’ pick, as my girlfriend is from Arizona. But this game should be awful.
DP Animal: Cardinals
People seem to think Cam Newton will be OK. Where exactly is that confidence coming from? The guy completed 42.1% of his passes in the preseason, he spent all of one year in college, and he never had to call plays or take a snap from under center. If he completes more than, say, 52% of his passes it’d be a major upset.
Phanatic: Panthers
Will Cam be the real deal? Who knows, but he’ll be better than Kevin Kolb.
SEAHAWKS AT 49ERS (-5.5)
Stone: 49ers
One word: Tarvaris.
Rodave: 49ers
Rory: Seahawks
DP Animal: Seahawks
Gotta support my boys, at least in WEEK 1. Besides, the 49ers are bad.
Phanatic: 49ers
VIKINGS AT CHARGERS (-8.5)
Stone: Vikings
Rodave: Vikings
If you’re going to pick an upset in Week 1, you might as well go big. Vikings over the Chargers. Now that he’s finally out of the G-Men’s division, I can finally admit that McNabb at the helm bodes a team well.
Rory: Vikings
I went to San Diego for Comic-Con two months ago. It was awesome. There were a ton of hot chicks and a bunch of nerdy guys who had no idea how to talk to them. If you are a single guy and have decent game, I’d recommend going.
DP Animal: Chargers
Phanatic: Chargers
COWBOYS AT JETS (-4.5)
Stone: Cowboys
Another cover. I say the Jets win this one ugly.
Rodave: Jets
Did you catch who the Jets are playing in New York (well, NJ really)? That’s right, it’s ‘America’s Team.’ Get it? New York vs. America’s Team on 9/11. Who’s the big winner? The United States is the big winner.
Rory: Jets
DP Animal: Jets
Phanatic: Jets
PATRIOTS (-6.5) AT DOLPHINS
Stone: Patriots
The Pats really have something to prove this year.
Rodave: Patriots
Rory: Patriots
DP Animal: Patriots
I’d have taken New England -14. Chad Henne is not the answer.
Phanatic: Patriots
RAIDERS AT BRONCOS (-2.5)
Stone: Raiders
Why do we get a shitty MNF game WEEK 1?
Rodave: Broncos
Rory: Broncos
I’ll probably be asleep during this game. Football’s back, guys!
DP Animal: Broncos
Whoops, sorry Cincinnati. I forgot about the Raiders, the real worst franchise in the league.
Phanatic: Broncos
CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 1-0
Rodave: 1-0
Phanatic: 1-0
Rory: 0-1
DP Animal: 0-1
*Bills-Chiefs and Titans-Jaguars do not have lines as of the time of this post
Rainman Suite 