At the end of 17 weeks and 250 games, the standings of our little picks competition look like this:
Stone: 142-108 (56.8%)
Rory: 136-114 (54.4%)
Slumdeezy: 128-122 (51.2%)
Phanatic: 122-128 (48.8%)
DP Animal: 119-131 (47.6%)
With 52.38% representing the percentage of games a gambler needs to pick correctly in order to turn a profit, only Rory and myself have metaphorical money in our pockets. In fact, if you bet $100 on each of my picks, you would have made about $2,000. Hope you did, kids. On the other hand, if you bet $100 on each of Phanatic’s picks, then you took betting advice from a chick and I laugh in your face. With that said, I gratefully accepted the Title Belt. However, Rory demanded another shot at the crown, and fighting champion that I am, I’ve decided to give it to him. So now it’s a mano-a-mano, winner takes all, every cliche in the book, NY-NJ no holds barred, sudden death, playoff picks showdown. As Judge Mills Lane would say, “Let’s get it on!”
BENGALS AT TEXANS (-2.5)
Stone’s Take: I feel like these teams have had completely opposite seasons. The Texans started out hot and everyone had them as the top team in the AFC until Matt Schaub went out. Now they’re being written off when T.J. Yates hasn’t been awful and the Texans haven’t had anything to play for for a couple weeks. The Bengals, meanwhile, were given less of a chance than Danny DeVito winning the Boston Marathon. They proved the haters wrong with a strong D and a surprisingly competent Andy Dalton at QB, but still haven’t beaten anyone of note. Now, they’re barely underdogs for a road playoff game? Did I mention this is the first playoff game in the Texans’ history? I’m sure everyone and their mom is going to show up in Houston. Prediction: Texans 21, Bengals 9
Rory’s Take: Can you think of a more benign match-up? It’s like a Wizards-Jazz game. Does anybody have any particularly strong feelings about either of these franchises? I hate to take the Texans here, but the line is just low enough for me. Over 3 points, and it would’ve been the Bengals. Prediction: Texans 16, Bengals 13
LIONS AT SAINTS (-10.5)
Stone’s Take: The Saints have been blowing everybody out like they’re Jenna Haze. If the Lions, who haven’t been to the playoffs since 1999, get off to a slow start like the playoff neophytes they are, this game might get out of hand with a loud New Orleans crowd and a veteran Saints team that has lofty goals. The Lions’ secondary also doesn’t stop anybody from getting into the end zone, again like Jenna Haze. Prediction: Saints 41, Lions 20
Rory’s Take: I think all the games are going to be close this weekend. This should be a fun, high scoring ordeal, but the Saints win. Prediction: Saints 38, Lions 32
FALCONS AT GIANTS (-2.5)
Stone’s Take: I could see this game going either way. I could see the Giants putting in a strong, dominant performance like they did against Tampa Bay in the Wild Card Round in 2007 or a weak, confused performance like they did against Carolina in the Wild Card Round in 2005. Why do the Giants love playing teams from the NFC South in the Wild Card Round? You know what the Falcons are bringing to the table. If the Giants can get one big play from Cruz, Nicks, or the running game, and the Three-Headed Hydra of Tuck, Osi, and JPP keep the heat on Matty Ice, the G-Men will pull it out. Prediction: Giants 24, Falcons 17
Rory’s Take: Like the Texans game, this line is just low enough for me to feel comfortable taking the Giants. The only thing consistent about these two teams is their inconsistency. Prediction: Giants 28, Falcons 24
STEELERS (-8.5) AT BRONCOS
Stone’s Take: I would love to take Tebow. I really would. If he was going up against the Texans or the Bengals or even the Ravens, I probably would. But the Steelers are a battle-tested team. They’re not going to be intimidated by the crowd, by Tebow, or even God. In fact, Big Ben laughs in the face of God whether he’s riding his motorcycle at high speeds without a helmet or raping college girls. For an actual football reason, the Broncos defense has been banged up as well. Then again, if this game is close at the end… Prediction: Steelers 19, Broncos 10
Rory’s Take: Tebow? Tebow. He’s been on hiatus, but I have a feeling he’s got one more in him. Prediction: Broncos 17, Steelers 13
Rainman Suite 