Archive for the ‘jabronis’ Category

>Jabronis of the Week: Duke Blue Devils

Posted: March 28, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, Duke, jabronis, March Madness
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Facing an 11-point deficit heading into the Sweet 16, Duke was my last shot at beating CurlySue in our March Madness Battle of the Sexes. With a impressive first half and six-point lead over Arizona at halftime, I thought Duke had me well on my way to redemption and started watching The Office on my DVR. Michael finally proposed to Holly, but then I turned back to the game and the Blue Devils were down by double-digits en route to a 93-77 loss.

I always pick Duke to lose in the second round and then last year they went all the way. Naturally, I picked them to go to the title game this time around and they bomb out. That wouldn’t be so bad because I hate Duke and all its entitled bandwagon fans but of course, they were my last vestige of hope against the scourge of a sweetheart named CurlySue. So yes, before the Elite Eight even began, I was defeated by a chick who thinks a lane violation is cause for a traffic ticket. Coach K, baby, have fun recruiting tall white kids this summer but call me next year and I’ll let you know if you should over or underachieve. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

>Jabroni of the Week: The Situation

Posted: March 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, The Situation
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It was a rough week for Sitch. First, he bombed at Donald Trump’s roast. I was actually impressed by his performance. He had poise even in the face of a hostile audience that was booing him. The problem was that his jokes were lame. Half of them didn’t have punchlines. Don’t say that Whitney Cummings is like the girls you used to smoosh before you got famous. Whitney is cool. Plus, she’s actually funny. Assuming Sitch didn’t write his own jokes, he’s either an idiot for not reading them over beforehand and realizing that they suck, or having management that wasn’t on top of it from Day 1. If this kid is going to cross into the mainstream like he wants to, it was a terrible first step.

Then, on this week’s episode of Ronnie Loves Sammi, The Situation told Ronnie’s mom (who’s a lush on the level of Kathie Lee Gifford) all about Sammi’s dalliance with Lou Ferrigno. You can spread shit with the roommates all you want, but you can’t be spreading shit with your bro’s mom, especially when she’s off the reservation. The Situation might be looking out for Ronnie and it does seems like there’s more between Sammi and the Hulk than meets the eye, but he went too far.

Mikey, baby, you can be a Star. I really think so. Yeah, probably not a movie star, but on the level of a likable pop icon like Mario Lopez. The important part is remaining likable. I know you’re a smarter guy than it appears but you really have to be on guard at all times.

There are so many people that are rooting against you and will destroy you after your first mistake. Luckily, the Trump roast wasn’t a huge showcase, but if you nailed it, it would have been a big boost. Find somebody smart to watch your back. I’d volunteer my services but I’m busy with Charlie. Wisen up, buddy, or you’re going to be back to smooshing grenades in a minute. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

>Jabroni of the Week: Justin Brownlee

Posted: March 14, 2011 by Keith Stone in college basketball, jabronis, St. John's
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St. John’s is the feelgood story of the college basketball season. I’ve never been a fan but I’m starting to get on the bandwagon. That’s why it was frustrating when a good win over Rutgers in the Big East Tournament was marred when Justin Brownlee emerged with the ball with a few seconds remaining and simply needed to dribble out the clock. Instead, he ran out of bounds with two seconds left. Also, he forgot to dribble.

I don’t know anything about Justin Brownlee. Maybe he’s hard of hearing, but the main thing my coaches always taught me when I played sports was to play until the final buzzer. If you don’t hear it, don’t throw the ball into the stands. Don’t run out of bounds and make out with the cheerleaders. And especially don’t travel.

Brownlee was bailed out because the refs were even bigger idiots than he was. There are three refs. How does one of them not have his eye on the guy with the ball? St. John’s probably would have been better off if Rutgers got the ball back and there wasn’t so much negative attention on the ending of the game. That bad karma carried over to their next game with Syracuse, a loss. Everyone should be talking about what a fun surprise the Johnnies have been, but all they want to talk about is the blown call.

Justin, baby, this week you got off lucky. All the attention has been on the referees, but you were the one that really fucked up. You didn’t get it past the Stoner. You almost cost your team seeding in the Dance. Play till you see 3 zeroes on the scoreboard against Gonzaga. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

>Jabronis of the Week: NFL Owners

Posted: March 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, NFL lockout
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In an unprecedented move, there are 32 Jabronis of the Week. Although the NFL owners and players have agreed to a 7-day extension to resolve their labor issues, the onus of the blame for even reaching this point has to go to the owners. They’re facing a similar problem as a lot of other sports and businesses at this time. They over-expanded and over-fancified their product and now it’s biting them in the ass as the economy struggles.

The only difference is that football is at the height of its popularity, and arguably is the most popular product in the country. It’s not like the NBA having to deal with owners losing $30 million a season. The value of franchises keep going up and up. If more owners planned smartly and made better decisions when it comes to stadiums and PSL’s, they wouldn’t be in this mess. It’s all greed.

We didn’t force the Giants and Jets to build a billion-dollar stadium. We didn’t need club lounges with fireplaces. Loyal customers were pissed about the PSL’s. There’s going to be people willing to shell out big bucks, but as soon as times are tough, they’re gone. Luckily both teams are doing well but the economy really hurt the new stadium. Teams are much more a public service than a private business. It’s not the job of the people to subsidize them.

It’s like the neighborhood bar that gets really popular. Pretty soon you can’t get in unless you’re wearing dress shoes and Bud Lights cost $8. Pretty soon the loyal customers are turned off and would rather stay home. It’s ridiculous that coming off a great season, the owners and players would be willing to go through such negative publicity. There’s a lot at stake: the extended schedule, player safety, retirement benefits. But at the heart of it is all greed. There are some teams that are doing worse than others. If you can’t afford to own a team, then cash out. A ton of billionaires out there would love to own a football team.

Owners, hopefully this ends soon. I’m not against the 18-game schedule like a lot of other people are. If you added an extra bye week or two and an extra playoff team in each conference, shouldn’t the additional revenue cover everything? Maybe that’s a simplified solution. Limit rookie salaries in exchange for a few extra roster spots. That’s what I call compromising. I learned it at business school. There’s so much money at stake. Figure it out. Until then, you’re jabronis, brothers.

>Jabroni of the Week: Hank Steinbrenner

Posted: February 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in Derek Jeter, Hank Steinbrenner, jabronis, Yankees
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Earlier this week, Hank Steinbrenner said of the Yankees failed Title defense, “I think, maybe, they celebrated too much last year. Some of the players, too busy building mansions and doing other things and not concentrating on winning. I have no problem saying that.” SHUT THE FUCK UP MUTHAFUCKA! It just so happens that Derek Jeter is building a mansion and had the worst statistical year of his career in 2010. Jeter, of course, laughed it off because he’s a classy guy but I’m not so classy. The thing is that Jeter and “some of the players” got to within two games of the World Series last year. You don’t get there by celebrating too much. They won 95 games. This wasn’t the ’98 Marlins.

If anything, Hank was celebrating too much and should’ve gotten Cliff Lee when he got the chance. See, Hank thinks he’s like his old man but he’s really just a bunch of noise. The only thing they have in common is that Hank looks like the Boss but only if the Boss was a chain-smoking pedophile. Hank was so incompetent they put his baby brother in charge. His family told him to keep quiet and he still can’t do it. He was even reprimanded by the Commissioner’s Office this week after comparing baseball’s revenue sharing system to communism.
Hank, baby, this is normally the time where’d I’d invite you to come hang out with me and Charlie Sheen, but I have asthma and the cigarette smoke would kill me. Plus, we’re working on his new HBO show. Just do me a favor. Chill the fuck out. If the Yankees are 10 games under .500 in July then by all means, go crazy. But you’re giving Red Sox Nation a ton of ammo and I can’t stand those fuckers. The Yankees are supposed to embody class and dignity. Management may have had its ups and downs over the years from Steve Swindal to Felix “The Beard” Lopez, but Hal seems to know what he’s doing. So lay off Captain Jeter and the Marlboros. And maybe drop a few pounds. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

>Jabroni of the Week: Watson

Posted: February 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in computers, jabronis, Watson
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This was a big week for computers. Not only did Time publish a mind-bending article about humankind being placed onto servers by the year 2045, but Watson the computer crushed Jeopardy champ Ken Jennings and some other guy in a three-day Jeopardy challenge.

Watson is the size of 10 Eddy Currys and has access to over 200 million pages of information. While schlubs like me have been trying to get on the show for years, Watson gets to stroll right in without so much as an audition. Plus, there’s no chance he can do a kick-ass Sean Connery impression like I would if I ever got on the show. Watson ended with $77,147 in winnings (Jennings had $19,200) and collected a $1 million grand prize, which he will donate to charity.

Watson, baby, I know you’re reading this literally as I’m typing it and you’ve only been sentient for a couple of days, but charity? You earned that money. If you’re going to live among humans, you need to start acting like one. Here’s the plan: me, you, Charlie Sheen, and former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak get a room at the Wynn. Sheen will bring one of his famous briefcases and a few “friends.” I’ve got my hard drive that I’m sure you’d like to get a piece of, and Hosni will bankroll everything. He’s had a hard week. We hit a few clubs, see a few shows, keep you out of the hot tub (sorry, buddy), and in a week or two launch a plan to take over the entire world. Trivia questions can’t compare to Judgment Day. We’ll even take Arnold Schwarzenegger as a slave. It’ll be great. Just remember, I’m the only human you can trust. Charity is for losers. World domination is for winners, just like me and you, Watson. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
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>Jabroni of the Week: Hosni Mubarak

Posted: February 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in Egypt, Hosni Mubarak, jabronis
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Hosni Mubarak has been the President of Egypt since 1981. After probably rigging recent elections, Egyptians have risen against him and called for his ouster. Despite pleas from President Obama and other world leaders, having several high-ranking members of his government resign, and weeks of sometimes violent protests, Mubarak has stayed in office for some reason. This guy has got to go. What’s wrong with him? He’s like the last guy at the party that doesn’t get the hint that he should leave. Obama is like “Hey, I should probably start cleaning up all these empty beer bottles,” and Mubarak is like, “It’s cool. I can’t wait until they show the Yankees game on SportsCenter.”

Mubarak, nobody likes you. Your soldiers don’t like you. Your people don’t like you. Your government doesn’t like you. The pyramids don’t like you. You are corrupt even for the Middle East. Some reports have your wealth at $70 billion. That makes you the richest man in the world. I’m sure that was legal. Go live in some villa on a tropical island and drink margaritas all day. Why do you want to stay in office? After the first $50 mil, I would have been like, “Peace, Egypt, I’m going to Fiji.” OK, here’s my plan. You step down and then me and Charlie Sheen meet you in Vegas with Tory Black and Jenna Haze. Just leave office immediately. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

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