Archive for the ‘newspapers’ Category

All the News That’s Fit To Print

Posted: August 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in newspapers, Real Housewives
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The other day some guy from one of the Real Housewives shows committed suicide. I’m far too uninterested and lazy to get all the details but it made the front page of both New York tabloids. This is not real news. This isn’t even good gossip news. Put Arnold Schwarzenegger on the cover when he knocks up his fugly housekeeper, not when Slutty McWhore’s husband hangs himself because she wants the money and the kids. I might expect this from the Post but not the Daily News. It’s a shame if they think this crap sells paper, and it’s a bigger shame if it actually does.

What’s Really Going On In Britain?

Posted: May 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in England, newspapers, The Sun
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Last week, The Sun newspaper in England was reporting several absurd stories ranging from a teacher gangbanging some kids to a cannibal looking for a meal on Craigslist. Heartbreakingly, it may not be true. The Sun also recently “reported” about a mom who gave botox injections to her 8-year-old daughter. Fucked up but this is the age of Toddlers & Tiaras. The story was picked up by Good Morning America and Inside Edition, who offered the mom money to appear on their shows. She did, but pesky child welfare officials were watching and took the daughter away. Now the mom is claiming that The Sun initially gave her $200 to play along with the story even though it was completely false.

First off, great parenting job. The mom basically ruined her daughter’s life for a few bucks. She may as well have sold her straight to the Spearmint Rhino. Secondly, whose dumbass idea over at The Sun was it to run a stupid fake story like this? A kid getting botox is barely interesting if it’s true. Why risk the reputation of the newspaper over something silly like that when they should be getting more bikini pics of Pippa Middleton?

Now I don’t know what to believe. Did the teacher really gangbang those kids? Did Prince William really get married or was that an actor? Does England even have a monarchy? If I can’t believe the British tabloids, what can I believe in? When I’m checking out at the grocery store, maybe the other publications are lying too. Maybe Carrie Underwood isn’t happy in her marriage. Maybe Elvis wasn’t abducted by UFO’s. Wait a minute, Osama might still be alive. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

TMZ

So What’s Going On In Britain?

Posted: May 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in England, newspapers
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A casual search of the Sun newspaper from across the pond finds the following are currently its top five most read news stories:

1. Women’s sex with five boys seen from train-Pretty self-explanatory although three of the boys were underage and the others ran away. I’d run away too if you knew what this chick looked like.

2. Pippa’s looking ripper-My future girl Pippa Middleton went out and about the other day. Nice ass shot although the article was about 12 words long. Good thing England doesn’t have real news.

3. Come die with me-A man answered a post on Craigslist to be killed and eaten. When he realized it was serious, he called the cops. “Well, you see Officer, I just thought he was going to pretend to eat me.” Dude should have been eaten for real for being an idiot.

4. Arsenal injected me with a yellow liquid-Apparently, Arsenal is something called a soccer team and it injected players in the 90’s with a strange yellow substance. It does not appear that Jose Canseco was involved, however.

5. Gag actor tells wife: I slept with Roo hooker-An actor admitted to his wife that he fucked a hooker that was later involved with soccer player Wayne Rooney. Pretty straight forward until you realize that the actor’s name is never given and it reads like something you’d read in the National Enquirer.

In conclusion, there’s not much going on in Britain. And I thought the Post was bad.