Rainman Suite

It was D-Day this week on The Challenge, as the Johnny/Evan/Kenny-Wes alliance were ready to “drop all the bombs” to get the beast CT out of the house once and for all. It was going according to plan until Kenny tumbled off an airborne hammock within 30 seconds and sent everyone scrambling. I haven’t seen somebody lose their mojo like this since Austin Powers. Maybe Kenny’s past his prime like Shaq on the Celtics or maybe teaming with Wes has his mind all fucked up and he can’t focus on the challenges. Either way, this once great champion needs to get his act together. And how did The Challenge not get nominated for an Emmy? On to the rankings:

Guys

1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (Last Week: 4)
The eventual challenge winners (thanks to Evan’s DQ) put it all together to make sure that CT and Adam didn’t win again. Kudos to them for killing it on short notice after Kenny fell. They got the nod over Evan & Nehemiah because Johnny pantsed Mike Mike while he was reading T.J.’s text.

2. Evan & Nehemiah (LW: 6)
They finally unleashed their potential to complete the challenge in the quickest time, even though they touched about six hammocks at the same time. This team is one to watch out for.

3. Adam & CT (LW: 1)
CT isn’t just a fighter; he’s a lover. Not only does Mandi want him to choke her out, but Laurel might want a little CT for herself. Apparently, jumping into the pool naked is the move that gets all the chicks. Coincidentally, Ted Bundy was considered a ladies’ man. If Adam rejects CT’s friendship, he may end up missing. This also marked the first week that CT did not threaten to rip anyone’s face off.

4. Kenny & Wes (LW:2)
While Kenny is faltering, Wes is riding high after defeating Brandon to stay safe in The Jungle. Just when you thought it wasn’t possible for his ego to get any bigger. Still doesn’t have any pigment in his skin though. I hope that Kenny doesn’t have that much trouble getting into a hammock when it’s closer to the ground. We need the old Kenny back, the Kenny that sings Bon Jovi with youngsters.

5. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 3)
“Great news! They said we’re on the chopping block but not this week!” Look for this team to go soon.

ELIMINATED-Brandon & Ty (LW: 5)
The always-pathetic Ty was almost saved by Brandon’s valiant effort in The Jungle but it was not to be. Why is everyone always hating on the black guys?

Sluts

1. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 4)
The only girls to complete the challenge are finally flexing their muscles. It sucks that they didn’t get any money for not finishing within the time limit but T.J. is a stickler when it comes to the rules. Laurel is putting her team (and soul) in danger by mingling with CT. I’m still waiting for Cara Maria to break out the dominatrix outfit.

2. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 1)
Unfortunately, the target on your back grows when you have all the power. They probably should have stayed out of the guys’ politics when picking the order for the challenge, but didn’t. Paula may be reverting back to form after two challenge wins in a row when she did a body shot off Mike Mike. Somebody wants to hear Mike read from his prayer book! On a positive note, her implants did not pop after a big fall during the challenge.

3. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (LW: 5)
Mandi was not killed by CT yet but she has some fierce competition from the amazonian Laurel. Blondes and brunettes really don’t like each other, huh? At least when they’re not making out with each other, as they did this week. Mandi then sought relationship advice from Paula Walnuts, who is slightly more qualified than Ben Roethlisberger. Jenn with 2 n’s is still as sexy as ever. I’d like for her to step up and start a fight soon.

4. Jasmine & Jonna (LW: 3)
A quiet week for these two considering that Jasmine probably has the biggest mouth on the show.

5. Katelynn & Sarah (LW: 2)
Katelynn needs to grow some balls back and actually attempt to compete. I bet T.J. can’t wait for her to go home. He probably dreams about it. Sarah is a strong competitor and deserves a better partner.

Last Week’s Rankings

The Challenge: Rivals is just too good to not write about every week. The teams of enemies rise and fall on a regular basis and I needed a way to rank them. Not by ability, athleticism, or their chance of victory but by hooking up, fighting, drunkenness and batshit craziness. In this week’s episode, the challenge was legitimately dangerous and there were some gnarly falls. Even more dangerous, however, is the Wes-CT rivalry, which is really starting to heat up.

Guys

1. Adam & CT
If somebody says, “I came down for pancakes. CT came down for blood,” you know CT should be at the top of the list. He and Adam also won the challenge for the second consecutive week and are looking like a force to be reckoned with.

2. Kenny & Wes
Wes deserves credit for standing strong with the beast CT. Either that or a visit with a psychiatrist. CT threatened to rip Wes’s face off and Wes responded by calling CT a mongoose. Great insult. I’m going to start using it. Then, Wes threw CT’s mattress off the balcony. There is a chance he is killed in his sleep next week.

3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee
After brutally falling during the challenge and crying/moaning like this lady, Mike Mike didn’t quit and even beat all the black guys in the ensuing swim. These teammates are so close that Mike Mike even asked for Roy Lee to ride in the ambulance with him to the hospital. T.J. was so moved that he started crying.

4. Johnny Bananas & Tyler
Bananas has been flying under the radar this season which is a good thing for him and Tyler has proven that he is tougher than he appears.

5. Brandon & Ty
Let’s just hope that they’re never in another challenge where they have to swim again. Mike Mike beat them after his ribs had a date with Roy Lee’s knee.

6. Evan & Nehemiah
Evan was too scared to jump for the zipline during the challenge. Weak sauce.

Sluts

1. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts
Ev and Paula won the challenge this week and have a lot of influence amongst the ladies. Seeing Paula succeed in this game is like watching the Jets win the Super Bowl.

2. Katelynn & Sarah
Both are generally well-liked, but Katelynn has proved to be a liabilty in the challenges.

3. Jasmine & Jonna
The rookies dodged getting thrown in The Jungle by being such weak competitors. Not sure how long their strategy is going to work. Jonna loses points for having an out-of-control ‘fro.

4. Cara Maria & Laurel
Laurel is the strongest chick and should dominate every challenge, but she needs to listen to the rules better. This team got very close to being eliminated in The Jungle.

5. Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi
Mandi wants to be choked out by CT. In future news, Mandi is dead.

ELIMINATED-Camilla & Theresa
After being voted into The Jungle, these geniuses had the brilliant plan of pretending to quit to try to catch Laurel and Cara Maria off guard. It almost worked, but they were sent packing anyway.