>RAY ALLEN: CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!

Posted: February 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Ray Allen, ridiculous

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I’d like to take some time now and congratulate Ray Allen for breaking the NBA’s all-time record for points scored. Wait, what’s that? He broke the record for 3-pointers made? Then why did they stop the game for him last night? I was getting into a bar and I noticed that this humongous Celtics-Lakers game was stopped and Ray Allen was hugging everyone in sight. AND IT WAS FOR BREAKING THE 3-POINT RECORD! IN THE MIDDLE OF A FINALS REMATCH! The 3-point shot has only been around for about 30 years. It’s not really that big of an accomplishment. This isn’t Hank Aaron breaking Babe Ruth’s HR record. Wave to the crowd during a timeout and hug your crazy mom and that twerp Reggie Miller after the game. When somebody breaks Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s points record, then by all means stop the game and let him have his moment. For the 3-point, blocks, minutes, turnovers, and literally everything else records, wait till after the game.

>Rainman Suite Enacts Social Change

Posted: February 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in Egypt, politics as usual

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I just got off the phone with Egyptian ambassador Sameh Shoukry and he has notified me that after reading yesterday’s Jabroni of the Week, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has decided to step down. Apparently, the Egyptian people have been chanting all night for myself to be installed as their new president. I seriously thought about it but I just love New York too much and I don’t know if I would able to get NBA League Pass in Cairo. So for now, congratulations on your freedom, Egypt, and you’re welcome.

>Landry Fields: Modell’s Employee

Posted: February 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in job search, Knicks, Landry Fields

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Landry Fields already has a Rookie of the Year resume. But the other day, he took time off to work undercover at a Modell’s in Westchester. Not only does he look like me, but the kid is hilarious. He even makes a Patrick Ewing reference and does a mean Amar’e impression. This pushes him over the top for me. Sorry Blake. Check it out.

>Jabroni of the Week: Hosni Mubarak

Posted: February 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in Egypt, Hosni Mubarak, jabronis

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Hosni Mubarak has been the President of Egypt since 1981. After probably rigging recent elections, Egyptians have risen against him and called for his ouster. Despite pleas from President Obama and other world leaders, having several high-ranking members of his government resign, and weeks of sometimes violent protests, Mubarak has stayed in office for some reason. This guy has got to go. What’s wrong with him? He’s like the last guy at the party that doesn’t get the hint that he should leave. Obama is like “Hey, I should probably start cleaning up all these empty beer bottles,” and Mubarak is like, “It’s cool. I can’t wait until they show the Yankees game on SportsCenter.”

Mubarak, nobody likes you. Your soldiers don’t like you. Your people don’t like you. Your government doesn’t like you. The pyramids don’t like you. You are corrupt even for the Middle East. Some reports have your wealth at $70 billion. That makes you the richest man in the world. I’m sure that was legal. Go live in some villa on a tropical island and drink margaritas all day. Why do you want to stay in office? After the first $50 mil, I would have been like, “Peace, Egypt, I’m going to Fiji.” OK, here’s my plan. You step down and then me and Charlie Sheen meet you in Vegas with Tory Black and Jenna Haze. Just leave office immediately. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

>Fear

Posted: February 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in Knicks, rants

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For me, the theme of the Knicks season has been fear and overcoming it. Amar’e Stoudemire and Ray Felton weren’t afraid to accept the challenge of reviving a downtrodden franchise. Young guys like Wilson Chandler, Danilo Gallinari, Landry Fields, and Shawne Williams haven’t been afraid to step up when the team has needed them. And the fans, we’re never been afraid to make some noise.

After a 3-8 start, the Knicks have shown no fear with wins over the Spurs, Heat, Thunder, and Bulls. That’s four of the best seven teams in the league. On the back of Amar’e’s 26.2 points-per-game, they were playing like we all wanted them to: running, shooting, hustling, playing a little D. It seemed like every night there was another hero. Shawne hitting a big 3. Gallo driving unabashedly to the hole. Even Timmy Mozgov with a double-double. There was a different aura around the team than there’s been since Jeff Van Gundy resigned. There was hope.

After last night’s 116-108 loss to the Clippers at the Garden, it seems like the luster has faded a bit on this feelgood story. Then, Amar’e came out and said the words that I least wanted to hear, “Seemed like we were afraid out there.” He added, “I said it before the game that we have to have supreme focus. I guess they figured I was talking to the wall because we didn’t come out with any focus. You can tell before the game. You can tell…that guys weren’t ready to go.” Last night’s game was unacceptable. We’re 51 games into the season. When the franchise player tells you to go out and play with some heart, you go do it. You don’t let DeAndre Jordan dunk four times.
So what’s the problem? It looks like the small rotation is starting to take a toll. Amar’e’s knees are holding up but when he was lying on the court last night in pain, but heart was in my stomach. Felton has been playing with a banged-up ankle. Gallo, Chandler, and Ronny Turiaf have all missed time with injuries but are pushing on. Did the Knicks get complacent? Did they forget the fire they had earlier in the season? For a while, they were looking like a lock for the 6-seed in the East but now the Sixers are 2.5 games back and have been playing well.
It’s possible that a Knicks team with low expectations and youthful exuberance started out the season unafraid because they didn’t know how to be, like someone climbing a mountain for the very first time. All of a sudden you look down and you don’t realize how high you’ve climbed. You look up and it’s snowing and you have no idea what’s it’s going to take to reach the top. Then, you’re afraid. Sometimes the fear of success is almost as great as the fear of losing. I think the Knicks have reached that point.
We haven’t even talked about Carmelo yet. He’s been looming over the entire season ever since Queen James spurned the team. We looked at LeBron like a superhero who would save the franchise. Now Carmelo has taken his place but I don’t see him as a quick fix especially after last night’s game. Carmelo will bring scoring, but will he bring toughness, heart, and defense? Don’t get me wrong. I would love to have him on the team for the right price and I think he makes the Knicks immediately better, but does he get them to top of the mountain? He’s like a Sherpa bringing supplies. It helps but ultimately the climber has to have enough fortitude and courage himself to do what he previously thought was impossible.
The Carmelo situation has probably affected some members of the team that might not be here in a couple of weeks, wrongly or rightly so. You can’t control injuries but you can control what happens when somebody goes to the hoop. That’s what the Knicks need to focus on. They probably won’t win the Trophy this year but there’s still a lot at stake. The hopes of the fanbase for the past 10 years are on the line. More importantly, Knickerbocker Pride is on the line. Poor preparation, disinterest and fear can never happen.
After losing a bad game to the Rockets earlier in the season, Amar’e had a similar diatribe and the Knicks ripped off 13 of 14.  Regardless of how the Melodrama plays out, Amar’e is my superhero and this season will revolve around how he rallies his teammates. The have overcome it before, but not with this many injuries and question marks. In the name of Charles Oakley, I think Amar’e will never let this happen again. The Knicks will not be afraid to keep climbing the mountain.

>Eli’s Girl vs. The Sanchize’s Girl

Posted: February 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in Eli, Sanchize

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On top of the fact that Eli’s actually been to the Super Bowl before, the lovely Abby Manning blows away Mark Sanchez’s high school girl. It’s not even close. The Sanchize needs to step up his game if he’s ever going to make it in this town.

>Lindsay Lohan is Arraigned, Sexy

Posted: February 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, Lindsay Lohan

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Lindsay Lohan was charged with felony grand theft today for allegedly stealing a $2,500 chain from a jewelry store. That’s not the big news, though. Look how hot she looks showing up to court. LINDSAY LOHAN IS BACK! Her boobs are back too. How could any judge in the country throw the book at her? The only thing she’s guilty of is looking fine. Don’t worry, Lindsay! Rodave is going to law school. He’ll bust you out and me and you can get some, um, baking soda, and go “shopping.” Then, we can jumpstart your career. How about Freaky Friday 2: Even Freakier?

Splash

>New Jersey Downgraded

Posted: February 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in dinero, New Jersey

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New Jersey’s bond rating was downgraded from AA to AA- by Standard & Poor’s today due to out-of-control pension and health care costs. The state has a $53.9 billion pension deficit and owes $66.8 billion in medical bills for retired employees. I’m no finance major (well, actually I am) but that’s a lot of money. Throw in Snooki’s drinking problem and the 15-37 Nets and things aren’t looking too great for the Garden State. It’s no surprise, though. The geniuses in Jersey make the losers in Long Island look like rocket scientists. That’s what happens when you pad that overtime before you retire, kids. It a serious problem that’s happening all over the country due to poor planning and it’s going to take some tough decisions and smart guys to sort it all out. I think Chris Christie might be one of those guys.

Bloomberg

>Best Job Ever

Posted: February 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in job search, ridiculous

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Now this is the job for me. Playing a corpse on Law & Order! I already sit on my ass for hours on end everyday. What’s the difference whether I’m watching reruns of Entourage or covered in fake blood and hanging out with Ice-T and Mariska Hargitay? It might be hard to keep from breathing, but I figure I can watch some old Colts game and take some notes on how Jim Caldwell does it.

Wall St. Journal

>The Fountain

Posted: February 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in Disney World, ridiculous

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There is a fountain in the magical land of Epcot where children run free amongst the wonders of tomorrow and the majesty of all the countries in the world. But there are rules to obey.

You read it correctly. “Do not use fountain if you are ill with diarrhea.” Nobody wants a poopy fountain. That’s not what Walt Disney had in mind.