It takes a bold man to let the world see naked pictures of his new bride. Hugh Hefner is that guy. Unfortunately, he’s also 85 and Crystal Harris just dumped his ass even though she’s on the cover of Playboy as Mrs. Crystal Hefner. I know there are deadlines and such but maybe he should have waited until they were actually married. This may be the most embarrassing cover since “Dewey defeats Truman.”
I obviously don’t have a problem with Hef banging out numerous chicks that are 60 years younger than him (60!) But why on Earth would he want to marry one? What benefit does that have? Hef can barely hear. Maybe that’s the secret to finding happiness with a woman. Just a few years ago, Hef had seven girlfriends. Now he has none.
Hef, baby, you can have pretty much any skank on the planet. Why Crystal? She seems nice, I guess. I’m sure you two had great discussions about world affairs and politics. But you’re HUGH FUCKING HEFNER! Not just a playboy, the Playboy. I know you must be slowing down but really you shouldn’t be down to any less than three girlfriends. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m gonna move into the Mansion and get you back on your feet. The Keith Stone cure for heartbreak never fails. Haagen-Dazs and Swingers. Who’s the big winner? Hef’s the big winner! And hey, if you want me to take a few girls off your hands for a bit, that’s cool too. Just no more marriages. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Rainman Suite 