It was a big week for Doc Gooden. First, he revealed that he missed the Mets’ 1986 Championship parade because he was getting high after a night of partying at Long Island’s finest clubs. I couldn’t decide which was sadder: that he missed the parade or that he celebrated a Title at the “clubs” on Long Island. Dr. K was then spotted strolling the streets of Manhattan hand-in-hand with Bai Ling, whom he met while on Celebrity Rehab. This chick is certifiable. She claims to have multiple personalities and seems to have her titties out or get arrested anytime she’s in the news. Probably not the best person to be hanging out with if you’re a recovering drug addict who’s relapsed several times.
When you have a crazy person dating a crazy person, you never know what’s going to happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw a Doc/Ling sex tape featuring a kiddie pool full of jello. It’s the same thing with football matchups featuring similar teams. It’s easy to figure things out when you have a great team against a good team or anybody against the Dolphins.
The problem is when you get two good teams, the smallest thing can turn a surefire win into a loss. It looked like the Bills were heading for the win last week but a Corey Webster INT later, the Giants stole the game and covered the spread. It was the equivalent of a sex tape in a kiddie pool full of jello. This week there a ton of jello kiddie pool games, as evidenced by the fact that everyone’s picks are so different. Let’s proceed, shall we?
BEARS (-0.5) AT BUCCANEERS
Stone: Buccaneers
Slumdeezy: Bears
Rory: Buccaneers
DP Animal: Buccaneers
The Devin Hester for Hall of Fame talk fascinates me, in part because I really don’t know how to respond. He’s certainly the best return man since Gale Sayers, at least, but at the same time it’s hard to consider a guy who’s basically a below-average wide receiver an all-time great.
Phanatic: Bears
No Dream Team to pick against this week. I’m heartbroken.
REDSKINS AT PANTHERS (-2.5)
Stone: Panthers
Slumdeezy: Redskins
Rory: Panthers
Last week, I was convinced the Panthers would cover the spread versus Atlanta. My friend brought up a good point – he thinks teams will figure out Cam Newton, and it’ll be wise to bet against Carolina the next few weeks. And sure enough, they lost big to Atlanta. So I decided no matter what, I’m following my friend’s advice. And then I saw they were playing the John Beck Redskins. Ugh.
DP Animal: Panthers
Between Mitt Romney, John Beck, and all the “I’m a Mormon” ads, there’s never been a better time to be a Mormon…except all the time that polygamy was an accepted part of the religion, that is.
Phanatic: Redskins
How the “mighty” have fallen, for both of these teams.
CHARGERS (-1.5) AT JETS
Stone: Jets
The J-E-T-S always play well when they’re backed into a corner.
Slumdeezy: Jets
Rory: Chargers
The LT revenge game?
DP Animal: Jets
Man, Rex Ryan has more imaginary Super Bowl rings than any coach ever!
Phanatic: Chargers
SEAHAWKS AT BROWNS (-2.5)
Stone: Seahawks
I’m taking the points.
Slumdeezy: Browns
Rory: Seahawks
DP Animal: Seahawks
Winning this game would be extremely weird for the Seahawks, since traditionally they both suck with early start times and coming off their bye week. Yet I believe in Clipboard Jesus.
Phanatic: Seahawks
TEXANS AT TITANS (-2.5)
Stone: Texans
Slumdeezy: Texans
Rory: Titans
DP Animal: Titans
Remember when Houston looked like a threat to run away with the division? Yeah, me neither.
Phanatic: Texans
A battle for the top of the AFC South. Who would have thought?
BRONCOS AT DOLPHINS (-1.5)
Stone: Broncos
Who the fuck will Suck for Luck?
Slumdeezy: Broncos
Abysmal. When’s the last time there have been so many 1- and 0- win teams this late into the season? I thought the NFL was all about parity.
Rory: Broncos
DP Animal: Broncos
Phanatic: Dolphins
FALCONS AT LIONS (-3.5)
Stone: Falcons
Slumdeezy: Lions
Rory: Lions
DP Animal: Falcons
I’m starting to suspect that we all overrated Matt Stafford, and underrated Calvin Johnson, which seems impossible on the face of things.
Phanatic: Falcons
This is a major test for the Lions, and a game they should win but I’m not sold.
CHIEFS AT RAIDERS (-4.5)
Stone: Chiefs
Slumdeezy: Raiders
Rory: Raiders
The Curse of Al Davis is over!
DP Animal: Raiders
The Carson Palmer trade was utterly terrible, but on the other hand I can’t really blame the Raiders for not wanting to trust their best season since 2003 to Kyle Boller. Sucks for them, because Jason Campbell was quietly having a very good year.
Phanatic: Chiefs
All eyes on Palmer, but growing pains.
STEELERS (-3.5) AT CARDINALS
Stone: Cardinals
Slumdeezy: Steelers
Rory: Steelers
Deceptively low line. Don’t trust it.
DP Animal: Steelers
A Super Bowl rematch, except the Cardinals have gone through four quarterbacks in the last year and a half, while everyone just wishes the Steelers would have.
Phanatic: Steelers
RAMS AT COWBOYS (-12.5)
Stone: Rams
Slumdeezy: Cowboys
Rory: Rams
UPSET SPECIAL! Rams win!
DP Animal: Cowboys
It’d be funny if the Rams ended up with the #1 pick this year, if only to see if they’d actually draft Andrew Luck.
Phanatic: Rams
Cowboys can’t handle a spread like this. They’ll play to the Rams’ level
PACKERS (-8.5) AT VIKINGS
Stone: Packers
Too much for the Vikings.
Slumdeezy: Packers
Rory: Packers
DP Animal: Packers
Phanatic: Packers
COLTS AT SAINTS (-13.5)
Stone: Colts
Who would have thought that the biggest injury the Saints would have so far would be to Sean Payton?
Slumdeezy: Saints
Rory: Saints
DP Animal: Saints
Phanatic: Saints
It kills me how over-promoted yet good this game would have been with Peyton around.
RAVENS (-7.5) AT JAGUARS
Stone: Jaguars
Monday Night at home against an up-and-down Ravens team? What the heck? Go Jags!
Slumdeezy: Ravens
Rory: Ravens
DP Animal: Ravens
Phanatic: Ravens
CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 55-33 (Last week: 8-5)
Rory: 50-38 (6-7)
Phanatic: 44-44 (7-6)
Slumdeezy: 44-44 (8-5)
DP Animal: 40-48 (6-7)
Rainman Suite 