Snooki has singlehandedly saved Jersey Shore with an MVP season equivalent to Tom Brady’s 50 touchdown season in 2007. With Ronnie and Sammi behaving, Snooki has captured the imagination by getting drunk at 10 in the morning, falling, flashing her cuca to anyone within a 10-feet radius, throwing wine bottles at the Situation, falling, getting thrown of clubs, smooshing Vinny, and falling. It took a few weeks to get Snooks warmed up in Firenze; ultimately, the arrival of her boyfriend Jionni sent her over the edge. You knew she was going to act like a drunk whore, but you can’t ever really predict the way a drunk whore will act.
That’s where we are with our lines. We know who’s good and who’s bad but still you can never really predict the outcome. Seahawks smooshing the Giants? Total drunk whore game. Vikings and Donovan McNabb running the Cards out of town? Drunk whore move. You can’t prepare for it much like you’ll never pick all these games correctly. You just gotta sit back, do your best, and enjoy the cuca.
RAMS AT PACKERS (-14.5)
Stone: Packers
Slumdeezy: Packers
Seems like the easiest week in while. And that’s precisely why I’m going to do terribly.
Rory: Packers
What has 108 legs and sucks? The Rams!
DP Animal: Packers
Thankfully for St. Louis fans, the Cardinals-Brewers game later that day should be a bit more competitive.
Phanatic: Rams
JAGUARS AT STEELERS (-11.5)
Stone: Jaguars
Slumdeezy: Steelers
Rory: Steelers
One of these high spread teams will not cover. I’ll pick against both just to be safe.
DP Animal: Steelers
Phanatic: Steelers
Black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow
DREAM TEAM (-1.5) AT REDSKINS
Stone: Redskins
If the last place Dream Team has taught us anything, it’s not to hire your offensive line coach to be your defensive coordinator.
Slumdeezy: Dream Team
Rory: Redskins
DP Animal: Redskins
This line amazes me. When was the last time a 1-4 team was giving 1.5 points on the road to a 3-1 team?
Phanatic: Dream Team
49ERS AT LIONS (-4.5)
Stone: 49ers
The 49ers are the real 2011 sleeper team.
Slumdeezy: Lions
Rory: Lions
DP Animal: Lions
Lost in the 5-0 start is the fact that the Lions have been a bit lucky. For example, they haven’t yet lost a fumble on offense. Now, some of that might be long-overdue karmic good will, but expecting it to continue all season is a bit foolish. Still, I don’t yet believe in the 49ers.
Phanatic: 49ers
PANTHERS AT FALCONS (-3.5)
Stone: Panthers
Cam for the cover!
Slumdeezy: Falcons
Rory: Panthers
DP Animal: Falcons
Phanatic: Falcons
But my heart isn’t in this pick.
COLTS AT BENGALS (-6.5)
Stone: Colts
The Bengals aren’t 6.5 points better than the Colts.
Slumdeezy: Colts
Rory: Colts
DP Animal: Bengals
Phanatic: Bengals
BILLS AT GIANTS (-2.5)
Stone: Giants
If the offensive line can hold up.
Slumdeezy: Giants
Don’t get why they’re favored here, but I like the G-Men getting tested early and often. Tames my expectations.
Rory: Giants
DP Animal: Bills
Phanatic: Bills
TEXANS AT RAVENS (-7.5)
Stone: Ravens
Mario Williams is a big loss. Literally, a big loss.
Slumdeezy: Ravens
Rory: Ravens
DP Animal: Ravens
Phanatic: Texans
BROWNS AT RAIDERS (-6.5)
Stone: Raiders
Slumdeezy: Raiders
Rory: Raiders
How evil was Al Davis? Well, let’s just say the Westboro Baptist Church isn’t even protesting his funeral.
DP Animal: Raiders
I hope we get an epic Al Davis biopic some day.
Phanatic: Raiders
I’d rather watch the fans in this game than the players.
COWBOYS AT PATRIOTS (-6.5)
Stone: Patriots
Tony Romo will still lead the league in smiles after this one.
Slumdeezy: Patriots
Rory: Patriots
DP Animal: Patriots
Phanatic: Patriots
SAINTS (-4.5) AT BUCCANEERS
Stone: Saints
So it turns out the Bucs actually aren’t good.
Slumdeezy: Saints
Rory: Saints
DP Animal: Saints
Phanatic: Saints
VIKINGS AT BEARS (-2.5)
Stone: Bears
This is not going to be pretty.
Slumdeezy: Bears
Rory: Bears
DP Animal: Vikings
Phanatic: Bears
Obviously a needed division win for the Bears.
DOLPHINS AT JETS (-6.5)
Stone: Jets
The Jets thrive off bad teams.
Slumdeezy: Jets
Rory: Jets
DP Animal: Jets
I hope you enjoyed last week’s semi-engaging MNF game, because it was the last one for a long time. But we do get to see Kansas City twice in three weeks!
Phanatic: Jets
CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 47-28 (Last week: 7-6)
Rory: 44-31 (8-5)
Phanatic: 37-38 (7-6)
Slumdeezy: 36-39 (8-5)
DP Animal: 34-41 (7-6)
Rainman Suite 