It’s WEEK 5 and our lines have shrunk like LeAnn Rimes. Maybe it’s fortuitous scheduling or parity, but this week you just have to go with your gut. For the most part, stick to the teams you like and don’t get too fancy and worry about the points. In sad news, Rodave was ironically crushed to death by a marshmallow truck. Luckily, his twin brother Slumdeezy has taken his place and since they’re twins, they know everything about each other! And no I didn’t steal this idea from Beerfest. Onto the picks:
CHIEFS AT COLTS (-2.5)
Stone: Chiefs
I think I just peed my pants.
Slumdeezy: Colts
Rory: Chiefs
Bill Walton predicted that this will be the greatest human football game ever performed on Earth by humans.
DP Animal: Colts
Phanatic: Chiefs
CARDINALS AT VIKINGS (-2.5)
Stone: Cardinals
Slumdeezy: Vikings
Rory: Cardinals
As explained last week, I’m semi-rooting for the Cardinals this season because of my girlfriend. I’ll tell you, I’ve followed the Nets for over 15 years, and I’ve followed the Cardinals for four weeks – it’s much tougher being a Cardinals fan.
DP Animal: Vikings
Phanatic: Vikings
Due for a win, I guess.
DREAM TEAM (-2.5) AT BILLS
Stone: Dream Team
Slumdeezy: Bills
Rory: Dream Team
I was talking to a Bills fan last Saturday, and I asked him what he thought of the game. He was super-confident, proclaiming that playing in Cinncinnati was “basically a home game.” Listen, Bills fans – everyone is rooting for you guys, but you need to watch the arrogance.
DP Animal: Bills
Seems like the Eagles should have one of those “unleashing hell” games, but that roster has a ton of flaws.
Phanatic: Dream Team
Alleged Dream Team only 2.5-point favorites in Buffalo? The moniker’s dead.
RAIDERS AT TEXANS (-5.5)
Stone: Raiders
Nice matchup between two teams trying to make it to the next level.
Slumdeezy: Texans
Rory: Texans
DP Animal: Texans
Phanatic: Raiders
Texans win but don’t cover.
SAINTS (-6.5) AT PANTHERS
Stone: Panthers
Possible upset special!
Slumdeezy: Saints
Rory: Panthers
DP Animal: Saints
Phanatic: Saints
BENGALS AT JAGUARS (-2.5)
Stone: Bengals
Slumdeezy: Bengals
Rory: Bengals
Red Rocket!
DP Animal: Bengals
People are still sleeping on the Bengals, who aren’t good but also aren’t bad.
Phanatic: Bengals
TITANS AT STEELERS (-2.5)
Stone: Titans
The Steelers’ O-line is a mess. Good thing Ben’s foot isn’t hurt. Oh, wait.
Slumdeezy: Steelers
Rory: Steelers
DP Animal: Titans
Can someone please deliver the coup de grace on Roethlisberger? Please?
Phanatic: Steelers
SEAHAWKS AT GIANTS (-9.5)
Stone: Giants
Slumdeezy: Giants
Rory: Giants
Classic Giants schedule. Like every year, it’s great until Thanksgiving.
DP Animal: Seahawks
Too many points. Feels like a cheap cover.
Phanatic: Seahawks
BUCCANEERS AT 49ERS (-2.5)
Stone: 49ers
This is the year the 49ers are finally decent. Alex Smith’s hands must’ve grown.
Slumdeezy: 49ers
Rory: Buccaneers
DP Animal: Buccaneers
Phanatic: Buccaneers
JETS AT PATRIOTS (-8.5)
Stone: Jets
Slumdeezy: Patriots
Rory: Patriots
Like I said last week, the Jets bandwagon is amazingly barren.
DP Animal: Jets
Too many points for sure. Don’t love the Jets, but they usually play the Patriots close.
Phanatic: Jets
Surprised at this line, even though the game is in Foxborough.
CHARGERS (-3.5) AT BRONCOS
Stone: Chargers
The Broncos are just bad.
Slumdeezy: Chargers
Rory: Chargers
I’m going to a wedding in San Diego next summer. Unfortunately, it isn’t the same weekend as Comic-con.
DP Animal: Chargers
Phanatic: Chargers
PACKERS (-5.5) AT FALCONS
Stone: Packers
The Pack killed the Falcons in the playoffs in Atlanta. Has anything changed?
Slumdeezy: Packers
Rory: Packers
DP Animal: Packers
The Falcons have been the biggest disappointment for me this year. I don’t see that changing any time soon.
Phanatic: Falcons
BEARS AT LIONS (-5.5)
Stone: Bears
Way too many people are grooving on the Lions.
Slumdeezy: Bears
Rory: Lions
This game could go either way.
DP Animal: Lions
Phanatic: Bears
CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 40-22 (Last week: 10-6)
Rory: 36-26 (11-5)
Phanatic: 30-32 (7-9)
Slumdeezy: 28-34 (8-8)
DP Animal: 27-35 (7-9)
Rainman Suite 