Rainman Suite

VH1 just released its list of the Greatest Songs of the 00’s and the Giants had their BYE this week, so I got to watch more football games than I normally do. You know what that means! NFL Power Rankings to the sounds of the 00’s. I have just one complaint. How can the majesty of the Thong Song be ranked #100? It influenced millions of chicks to wear sexier panties. In my book, that’s all that matters. Plus a great cameo by Sisqo’s daughter in the video. Onto the top 10…

10. New York Jets (4-3)

The Jets are going to be in every game they play, just like In Da Club is great for almost any occasion from getting freaky with your lady at the club to a bar mitzvah. It looked like the J-E-T-S were going to collapse in controversy, but everyone forgets that the team thrives on it. As long as the Jets remember that its strength is defense and not the passing game, they’ll be fine. I could see Gang Green doing everything from winning the AFC East to going 7-9, but let’s pencil them in for a Wild Card. Sanchez remains their greatest weakness and he’ll never be anything more than a mediocre QB. If they had anyone better, they could be a legit Super Bowl threat. Plax’s three TD’s against the Chargers were great. Hopefully, he doesn’t shoot himself in da club.

9. Dallas Cowboys (3-3)

Tony Romo’s favorite singer serenades them at #9. It’s been a wild year for the Romosexual, snatching victories from the jaws of defeat and vice versa. This team could easily be undefeated. Dez Bryant’s lingering quad injury hasn’t helped but DeMarco Murray looks more than capable at filling in at running back. With the NFC East looking not as strong as everyone envisioned (*cough* Dream Team *cough*), the Cowboys could win the division even if Romo gives a few more games away.

8. New York Football Giants (4-2)

This was too easy a pairing. The Giants have played the easiest schedule in the NFL so far but they’ve done so short-handed. Eli Manning is having the best year of his career behind a shifting and ineffective offensive line and a running attack that hasn’t gotten things going. He’s not getting enough credit. With the returns of Justin Tuck, Chris Snee, Brandon Jacobs (and more!) after the BYE week, the G-Men should be able to compete for the NFC East. Their schedule is insane but nine wins may be enough.

7. San Diego Chargers (4-2)

The Chargers are here because the AFC West sucks. Check that, the AFC West sucks now that Carson Palmer is in it. The Bolts are a fine team and will probably go 12-4 or 11-5 and lose in the first or second round. That’s what they do. If Justin is bringing sexy back, Norv Turner is bringing playoff futility back.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)

The Black and Gold are puttering along at 5-2 and haven’t really looked great in any of their wins, but they’re still looking better than they did in taking their WEEK 1 shellacking from the Ravens. Their offensive line is being held together with duct tape and bubble gum, and the defense has been hit by injuries to important players like Troy Polamalu and James Harrison, but experience is on their side and winning ugly has never stopped them from winning the Super Bowl before. They should be fine as long as Joe Flacco can’t get his act together.

5. Detroit Lions (5-2)

Another song pairing that was way too easy. The Lions are good again for the first time since Henry Ford invented the assembly line. I like the Lions. For a young squad, they are unafraid. Jim Schwartz is a douchebag but he gives the team swag. Matt Stafford and Calvin Johnson have been one of the NFL’s best QB-WR tandems, but if Stafford’s ankle injury lingers it could be trouble. Jahvid Best also better get healthy soon. In the long run, the fact that the Lions offense is powered mainly by long plays worries me, especially when they play a team that’s strong on defense like the 49ers. You can only rely on those plays for so long. The Lions’ D, led by the man named Suh, has also been underrated.

4. San Francisco 49ers (5-1)

Another surprise, just like B. Rabbit winning over the hearts of everyone at that last battle rap tournament. The Niners, led by a strong defense and special teams, are good. With the competition in the NFC West, um, lagging behind, San Fran should have an easy route to the playoffs and even a first-round bye. Of course, the only problem is that Alex Smith is their quarterback. As long as he doesn’t force anything and Frank Gore can remain consistent, the Niners could actually (can’t believe I’m saying this) compete for the Super Bowl. It also doesn’t hurt when Ted Ginn, Jr. runs back a couple kicks for TD’s a game. Who else wants to see the 49ers and Lions play in the playoffs?

3. New Orleans Saints (5-2)

The Saints are the first of the real contenders. If Sean Payton didn’t get injured against the Bucs, they would probably be 6-1. Drew Brees has been having another great year and the additions of rookies Mark Ingram and Jimmy Graham have boosted the already potent offense even more. This Saints team isn’t as good as the one that won the Super Bowl, however, just like Poker Face isn’t Lady Gaga’s best song. Was it really the third greatest song of the decade? How did it beat Bad Romance? I’m far more upset about this than I should be. Not a good sign for the Saints’ Super Bowl chances. And yeah, you’re damn right I just based the Saints’ Super Bowl chances on VH1’s rankings of Lady Gaga songs.

2. New England Patriots (5-1)

There’s not much to say about the Pats. They’re always great and the Brady-to-Welker hookup is as potent as Andre 3000 and Big Boi. I’d be more concerned about the defense if the AFC wasn’t so weak. They’re on the fast track to the conference’s #1 seed.

1. Green Bay Packers (7-0)

The Champs. Like a couple that’s crazy in love, everything is just clicking and life is great. This team is even healthier than last year, which means their offense is even more explosive, even without much of a running game. Though some of their victories have been impressive, they’re not head and shoulders above the other teams in the NFC but they’re definitely the favorites to repeat.

With that said, Crazy in Love is the greatest song of the decade? Really? My personal choice would have been In Da Club. It came out right before CD’s and radio were being phased out and it still holds up today. Every time I hear it, I (like everybody else—don’t lie) pretend to know all the words and fail miserably. If that’s not the mark of the greatest song of the decade, I don’t know what is. Other songs that should have been in the Top 10 are I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas and Beautiful Day by U2, or how about a little Taylor Swift? Overall, a solid list but that #1 choice is indefensible. Like the way the NFL seasonis going , no one song is vastly better than the others and any one could end up on top. It’s going to be a crazy road to Super Bowl XLVI.