Normally, I’d make fun of this kid for being the epitome of a Jets fan, but he’s smarter than at least 90% of the Jets fans out there. Plus, he knows the Giants are going to trounce the Jets. The real tool here is Mom. The pain a sports fan endures after a tough loss is private. You can’t go putting it up on YouTube. Mom doesn’t even sound like she cares. Don’t talk to the kid like he lost an action figure, his team just blew a game with serious playoff implications!
As a kid, all you worry about is wins and losses. You don’t care that all you picks hit, or your fantasy team did well, or even if the rookie running back had a nice game. When you lose you feel like crying. Fortunately, we’re not little kids. Well, Phanatic is. Sometimes when you’re making your picks, you get caught up in which team is going to win.
For instance, this week the Lions are favored by 6.5 points at home against the Panthers. I’d say they have a pretty good shot at winning. That doesn’t make them a good pick. Don’t forget about those points. Even if you can realistically imagine that the Panthers can pull it out, which I think they can since the Lions don’t have much of a running game, it’s a smart play to take the points. Even Mom could figure that out. Pick time!
BILLS AT DOLPHINS (-1.5)
Stone: Bills
Slumdeezy: Bills
Rory: Bills
There is a little too much riding on the momentum of both teams in this line. I don’t think the Bills are as bad as they’ve been the last couple weeks, and vice versa.
DP Animal: Dolphins
Buffalo has massive problems on defense, and the offense is no longer a threat to score 30 points a game. Meanwhile, the Dolphins have returned to a level of not-terribleness.
Phanatic: Dolphins
Done picking the Bills.
BENGALS AT RAVENS (-6.5)
Stone: Bengals
Slumdeezy: Ravens
Rory: Ravens
DP Animal: Ravens
No team this year has been as schizophrenic as the Ravens, mixing in two wins over long-time rival Pittsburgh with losses to Jacksonville and Seattle. Still, they’re at home, and they have a chance to seize control of the division with a win, which means I expect the good version to show up.
Phanatic: Bengals
Ravens can’t cover a 6.5 spread.
JAGUARS AT BROWNS (PICK)
Stone: Jaguars
The Jags are somewhat awful. The Browns are very awful. CurlySue is at this game. Poor girl.
Slumdeezy: Browns
Rory: Jaguars
DP Animal: Jaguars
Both teams have bad offenses, but the Jaguars defense is legitimately above average.
Phanatic: Jaguars
RAIDERS (-1.5) AT VIKINGS
Stone: Vikings
The Vikings aren’t as bad as the Packerss made them look.
Slumdeezy: Raiders
Rory: Vikings
DP Animal: Raiders
Phanatic: Vikings
I heart Ponder.
PANTHERS AT LIONS (-6.5)
Stone: Panthers
Who would’ve thought Jahvid Best would miss a significant amount of time? Oh, right. Everyone.
Slumdeezy: Lions
Rory: Lions
DP Animal: Lions
For all the excitement that Cam Newton has brought, the Panthers are still 2-7.
Phanatic: Lions
BUCCANEERS AT PACKERS (-13.5)
Stone: Packers
Not as good as everyone thinks, but still better than the Bucs.
Slumdeezy: Packers
Rory: Packers
DP Animal: Packers
Not sure about 16-0, but can’t see Tampa beating them.
Phanatic: Packers
COWBOYS (-7.5) AT REDSKINS
Stone: Redskins
These two teams always play each other close.
Slumdeezy: Cowboys
Rory: Redskins
DP Animal: Cowboys
Phanatic: Redskins
It’s games like this that make NFC East fans keep on hating the Redksins even though they suck.
CARDINALS AT 49ERS (-9.5)
Stone: 49ers
In honor of Rory’s girlfriend.
Slumdeezy: 49ers
Rory: 49ers
DP Animal: 49ers
Phanatic: 49ers
I’m on the bandwagon. Alex Smith baby!
SEAHAWKS AT RAMS (-1.5)
Stone: Rams
Rams at home. Why not?
Slumdeezy: Seahawks
Rory: Seahawks
DP Animal: Seahawks
Just as I was starting to feel optimistic about the team in general and the offensive line in particular, rookies John Moffit and James Carpenter both suffer season-ending injuries. Well shit.
Phanatic: Rams
TITANS AT FALCONS (-5.5)
Stone: Titans
I don’t care what the numbers say. You can’t go for 4th-and-1 in overtime in your own territory.
Slumdeezy: Falcons
Rory: Titans
DP Animal: Titans
Phanatic: Falcons
CHARGERS AT BEARS (-3.5)
Stone: Chargers
Gut feeling.
Slumdeezy: Bears
Rory: Bears
DP Animal: Bears
Phanatic: Bears
Game in Chicago keeps it a low-scoring affair.
CHIEFS AT PATRIOTS (-14.5)
Stone: Patriots
No chance in hell.
Slumdeezy: Patriots
Rory: Patriots
I miss basketball.
DP Animal: Patriots
So much for the Matt Cassell Bowl.
Phanatic: Patriots
Done picking the Chiefs too.
*The Dream Team-Giants game had no line due to Michael Vick’s questionable status.
CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 82-61 (Last week: 9-6)
Rory: 81-62 (11-4)
Slumdeezy: 75-68 (9-6)
DP Animal: 68-75 (7-8)
Phanatic: 68-75 (6-9)
Rainman Suite 