As I wrote earlier, there’s no chance in hell that Jennifer Lopez cruises around the hood in a Fiat. Turns out I was right. It was revealed that Jen shot her part of this commercial in a Hollywood soundstage while a body double actually did the cruising. There’s a bunch of J. Lo’s in the NFL right now: teams that look competent but have the same chance of winning the Super Bowl as an millionaire diva returning to her roots in a budget Italian car.
The Bills and Chargers have been the two biggest J. Lo’s so far, but they’re not the only ones. How about the Ravens, Falcons, Jets, or even the Patriots? I’ll guarantee you that one isn’t as good as we all think they are. The real trick is being able to sniff out which one before the reveal. Pick time, kids.
TITANS AT BILLS (-2.5)
Stone: Titans
Slumdeezy: Bills
Rory: Titans
Screw the Bills.
DP Animal: Titans
A potentially resurgent CJ2K against that woeful Buffalo defense seems like a solid bet.
Phanatic: Titans
You know my new rule.
CHIEFS AT BEARS (-6.5)
Stone: Chiefs
Slumdeezy: Bears
Rory: Bears
Hooray! Basketball is back!
DP Animal: Bears
There are so many bad QBs in the NFL right now.
Phanatic: Bears
RAIDERS AT DOLPHINS (-2.5)
Stone: Raiders
Slumdeezy: Raiders
Rory: Raiders
I’m tired about being skeptical about the Nets. This year, I’m all in on the zaniness. Dwight Howard for 2012!
DP Animal: Dolphins
My guess is the Raiders commit 14 penalties, including a stupid personal foul that allows the Dolphins a critical first down on their game-winning drive.
Phanatic: Raiders
BENGALS AT STEELERS (-6.5)
Stone: Bengals
Slumdeezy: Steelers
Rory: Bengals
DP Animal: Steelers
I like what’s going on in Cincinnati, but it’s hard to imagine them going into Pittsburgh and doing much.
Phanatic: Bengals
Final score 13-10. You heard it here first.
JETS (-2.5) AT REDSKINS
Stone: Redskins
The Redskins aren’t horrible and you never know what you’re getting from the J-E-T-S.
Slumdeezy: Jets
Rory: Jets
DP Animal: Jets
Phanatic: Jets
They’re gearing up for their next AFC Championship loss.
FALCONS (-2.5) AT TEXANS
Stone: Texans
Bring back Favre.
Slumdeezy: Falcons
Rory: Falcons
DP Animal: Falcons
Oh, those poor tormented Texans fans (all 38 of them).
Phanatic: Falcons
BRONCOS AT VIKINGS (-1.5)
Stone: Broncos
Lost in Tebowmania is the fact that the Broncos defense is pretty good.
Slumdeezy: Broncos
Rory: Broncos
DP Animal: Vikings
Gotta figure some team will get out to a lead against the Broncos and force Tebow to throw the ball.
Phanatic: Broncos
COLTS AT PATRIOTS (-20.5)
Stone: Patriots
Slumdeezy: Patriots
Rory: Patriots
Ask yourself, “How much of an asshole is Bill Bellichek?” Your answer should determine how you feel about this spread.
DP Animal: Patriots
What’s more amazing, the spread or the fact that I’m giving the points?
Phanatic: Patriots
Wow.
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS (-2.5)
Stone: Panthers
Who’s watching this one?
Slumdeezy: Buccaneers
Rory: Panthers
DP Animal: Panthers
Phanatic: Panthers
RAVENS (-6.5) AT BROWNS
Stone: Browns
The Browns’ll keep it close.
Slumdeezy: Ravens
Rory: Ravens
DP Animal: Ravens
Phanatic: Browns
Games like this keep Browns fans interested.
COWBOYS (-4.5) AT CARDINALS
Stone: Cardinals
For Rory’s girl.
Slumdeezy: Cowboys
Rory: Cowboys
You aren’t tricking me this week, Cardinals.
DP Animal: Cowboys
Even though it’s about time for Tony Romo’s annual collapse, the Cardinals are very bad.
Phanatic: Cardinals
PACKERS (-6.5) AT GIANTS
Stone: Giants
Slumdeezy: Packers
Rory: Giants
I’m calling it now – despite what all logic tells me – Giants coming off six days rest, Packers coming off ten days rest, Packers being undefeated, Giants falling apart – Giants win this outright!
DP Animal: Packers
Speaking of annual collapses, the Tom Coughlin Giants everyone!
Phanatic: Packers
Not sure if the Giants can bounce back.
RAMS AT 49ERS (-13.5)
Stone: 49ers
Weren’t the Rams supposed to be good?
Slumdeezy: 49ers
Rory: 49ers
DP Animal: Rams
Too many points for a mediocre offense.
Phanatic: 49ers
LIONS AT SAINTS (-8.5)
Stone: Lions
This is going to be a barnburner.
Slumdeezy: Saints
Rory: Saints
DP Animal: Lions
Too many points for a mediocre defense.
Phanatic: Saints
CHARGERS (-2.5) AT JAGUARS
Stone: Chargers
Slumdeezy: Chargers
Rory: Chargers
I read somewhere that teams after losing to Tebow are 6-1. So, why not?
DP Animal: Jaguars
I, for one, will miss Norval Eugene Turner.
Phanatic: Chargers
Too many personnel changes for the Jags this week, even though the Chargers will still end up playing at their level.
CURRENT RECORDS
Rory: 97-74 (Last week: 8-7)
Stone: 97-74 (11-4)
Slumdeezy: 92-79 (8-7)
DP Animal: 85-86 (8-7)
Phanatic: 82-89 (7-8)
Rainman Suite 