I was getting the newspaper the other day when I noticed a fetching lass on the cover of Esquire. I didn’t recognize her, but it turned out to be British beauty Kelly Brook. I did hours and hours of research, and it turns out her two biggest talents are previously dating Jason Statham and looking hot naked. If she was my daughter, I’d be proud. Luckily, she’s not. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Willa Ford was one of Jason’s victims in the Friday the 13th remake. In fact, her topless Jet Ski scene is right up there as one of the classic moments of the series along with Mrs. Voorhees’s beheading and Jason going to see Phantom of the Opera in Jason Takes Manhattan. Willa is married to the Red Wings’ Mike Modano. Despite the fact that the Wings were eliminated yesterday, I vaguely remember hearing that Willa has her clit pierced, so he’s got that going for him. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
I was flipping through the gossip pages, as I am wont to do, when I noticed an item that said that Amar’e Stoudemire and Ciara were dating. Ciara is apparently extremely gorgeous in real life if you couldn’t tell. Wouldn’t expect anything less from STAT. Hopefully she takes it easy on his back this summer. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
I just finished watching the movie Slackers. Underrated flick starring the incomparable Devon Sawa. It definitely belongs in the same category as Van Wilder and PCU. However, the female leads in those movies are Tara Reid and Jeremy Piven’s receding hairline, respectively. Jaime King blows them both away. You might not remember her because she was going by the name “James King” at the time. Probably not the best career choice. She changed her name to Jaime and recovered nicely to play a hooker in Sin City. Can’t wait for the sequel. Plus, the tat over her box is divine. If I had a choice between saving a starving child in Africa or licking her tattoo, I’d go with the latter. Sorry African kids. I’m weak. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Normally, Gal Gadot would be the best part of any movie she’s in. The former Miss Israel looks great in a bikini and loves wearing them. Unfortunately, she has to share the screen with Vin Diesel and The Rock in Fast Five so she may have been the 30th best part of the movie. I didn’t even mention Paul Walker, Ludacris, and Jordana Brewster’s frozen face. What an epic film. Vin Diesel’s acting is on par with a stroke victim with down syndrome and the gang dragging a giant safe through the streets of Rio may have been the most realistic part of it all. I didn’t understand a second of it but luckily there were laughs throughout. Can’t wait for Part 6. Especially if Gal is in it. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Today is Cinco de Mayo. To celebrate the Mexican victory over the French in 1862, it’s only appropriate to do it with a chick with a little junk in her culo. I’m not even sure that Vida Guerra is Mexican but she can be my cleaning lady anytime. Seriously, I’d beat that ass like a pinata. Tequila and sombreros for everybody! Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
I feel like the terrorists would hate this, so let’s make sure that they know what the greatest country in the world is again. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
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If there’s anything I learned about Mark Sanchez’s affair with that high school chick, it’s that the age of consent in New York is 17. So in this completely plausible scenario, if I catch Taylor Momsen’s eye at the 17-and-over clubs that I’m known to frequent, it’s not rape. I cannot do any more community service. According to my diligent research, Taylor is an actress on a show called Gossip Girl and in a band called the Pretty Reckless, which I’m sure is great. Also, the girl has legs. Hey Taylor, if you need me to buy you cigarettes, holler. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
January Jones plays Betty Draper Francis on Mad Men. People can say all they want about Christina Hendricks and her enormous boobies, but my money’s all on January. She’s actually a very talented actress despite her debacle on Saturday Night Live. She plays an unlikable bitch but you can tell January is a bitch in real life, which makes her even hotter. I love them bitches. I want to buy her jewelry and then have her yell at me. January told the UK edition of Marie Claire, “The bitches in high school were bitches because I was pretty.” So it’s settled, then. Everyone’s a bitch. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Rainman Suite 