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I’ve seen worse on the subway [NY Post]
Italian Prime Minister involved with teenage hookers [Guardian]
Cool volcano pics [Gawker]
Duane Reade Bar [NY Times]
Oprah singlehandedly raises Kraft stock [NY Daily News]
Great Jets newspaper covers [Deadspin]
Enjoy the long weekend. Stay out of trouble.
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Panera Bread just opened up their third “pay as you wish” Panera Cares store in Portland, Oregon. I love it, as does every homeless person in Portland. Founder Ron Shaich asks, “Will people step up and help each other or will they take advantage?” Bill Walton can help all he wants, I’m going to take advantage. Open one of these babies up in New York and I’ll be there everyday. Whoops, I only have $3 in my wallet, sorry. I love going to a museum with a suggested donation and then just giving a couple of balled-up singles so the girl I’m with doesn’t think I’m a cheap bastard. I’m sure there are enough do-gooders in the world to more than compensate for my cheapskateness. So here’s my plea to you, Mr. Shaich. Let’s get a Panera Cares up in the Greatest City in the World. Preferably somewhere close to Union Square.
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It’s a masterpiece, isn’t it? There’s nothing that says to rivals “don’t fuck with me” than getting an ice cream cone tattooed to your face. I’m serious. The craziest thing you can do in the world is getting a face tattoo. And an ice cream face tattoo? Certifiable. Gucci Mane needs to spend some time at the insane asylum with KG. I always thought that getting a tear tattoo meant you were in a gang. I stay away from those people on the street. Maybe Gucci goes gangbanging in an ice cream truck. According to his spokesperson, it represents Gucci being as cool as ice. Gucci, bro bro, the first lesson of being cool is that you don’t need to tell everyone how cool you are. The ice cream tattoo is a little bit of a violation. Plus it looks like a temporary tattoo my little cousin would have. Stay chill.
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I just don’t get Glee. I enjoy the songs and all if they pop up on Grooveshark, but an hour-long show about a glee club? If I’m going to watch an hour-long show, it better be great. Mad Men-great. With that said, look at Lea Michele licking that lollipop. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
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This is a tragic story. Two teachers at Brooklyn’s James Madison High School, Cindy Mauro and Alini Brito, were caught having a sex romp at school in 2009. Now they’ve both been fired. What an outrage. These ladies shouldn’t be punished, they should be rewarded. I am a huge supporter of love in all its forms. Heck, I’ve probably had more experience with lesbians that Ellen Degeneres. Mauro and Brito were no doubt simply trying to teach their students about love. It’s a high school for goodness sakes. How many kids gave each other a high five when they heard the news? When I originally read the story I gave myself a high five. I will not rest until these ladies are rehired. OK, I’m probably going to forget about it in five minutes but whatever.
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We all scream for turf war [NY Post]
This is why I cover myself in Axe [CNN]
Never marry a girl named Kayte [US Weekly]
Must be a Screech fan [Chicago Tribune]
Well, duh [Rumor Fix]
Mr. October to Jets: “Shut up” [ESPN]
Stay classy, Philly [Morning Call]
I hope Rex Ryan reads this [NY Times]
Nice story about anthem gone wrong [Yahoo!]
Maybe you shouldn’t have traded half the team [NBC Sports]
It’s Thursday. First night of the weekend. You know what to do.
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In honor of Amar’e appearing on Letterman tonight, I’d like to present the top 10 reasons why Amar’e should be an All-Star starter:
10. He scored 30 points in nine consecutive games. That’s nine more than Brian Scalabrine.
9. He’s much better than Chris Bosh (sorry, LeBron.)
8. The Jewish scene in LA is really nachas.
7. Doesn’t Kevin Garnett need to be at the insane asylum that weekend?
6. Anna Wintour and Andre Leon Talley already bought seats next to Jack Nicholson.
5. He’s more fun to go skinny dipping with than Eddy Curry.
4. LA chicks dig the goggles. Just ask Kareem. [insert high-pitched Letterman laugh here]
3. This and this.
2. It’ll be fun to spend some quality time with Carmelo.
and the #1 reason Amar’e Stoudemire should be an All-Star starter………………………..
1. THE KNICKS ARE BACK.
I thought Amar’e did a great job tonight. He’s charming. He’s funny. He’s everything you could ask for in a New York superstar. The NBA released its final update before starters for the All-Star Game are announced and Amar’e passed KG by more than 90,000 votes. It looks like we proved, once again, that New York fans are better than Boston fans.
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Jersey Shore is one of the most contrived shows in television and I love every second of it. I don’t care if every episode is exactly the same and they’re terrible people. It’s like getting back with your old friends. Even if they’re scumbags, it’s a ton of fun. Deena brings something to the table. She’s like a cuter Snooki. Like the Situation said, stripping down in the first episode definitely has her on track to be Rookie of the Year. Sweetheart-Jwoww II wasn’t quite Balboa-Creed II but it was better than any heavyweight fight there’s been in a while.
The second episode was a little slower. It had its moments. Sitch trying to pull a robbery on Vinny’s girl and DJ Pauly D mispronouncing “filet mignon” were my highlights. I always enjoy seeing the crowds form around them as they’re walking on the boardwalk as well. As much as I love the show, though, the problem is that they’re stretching it out into too many episodes. Ronnie and Sammi need to come to resolution on their relationship soon. I’ve always defended Sammi. I think she’s the hottest of the girls. I’d hook up with all of them. Even Snooki. Especially Snooki. Sammi is just so boring. All she wants to do is lie in bed and ask Ronnie, “What would you do in my situation?” Go to the beach! If I was making $50,000 to have some cameras follow me around, I’d have some fun and go to the beach. I’m just not interested in them if they’re going to mope all day. Replace Sammi with a cute blonde guidette and ban any of the cast mates from dating. BOOM. Ronnie needs to dance and start trouble again. This show could go on for 20 years and I would watch every episode.
>SUNDAY
9:15 AM-I am not in good shape. My body is bloated and weak. This is what Eddy Curry must feel like. Luckily, I’m not the only one feeling it. The crew is noticeably less chipper than the mornings before.11:00-The Boston douchebags are back. They are loud and obnoxious. This time they brought a Nerf football with them. They’re throwing it around the pool. Not just a little back-and-forth but across the length of the pool. For some reason, nobody stops them. I can’t stand it but I am hypnotized as they Drew Bledsoe the ball out of the pool at least 52 times.
12:15 PM-The contents of my stomach are begging to be expelled. I try to go upstairs again and see if I can get some vomiting privacy this time but I can’t. The crew is back drinking again. They’re like Terminators, the Robert Patrick version. Fela is especially going hard. He’s mixing his liquors…DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS! He keeps singing “bottles on me” and of course they’re on him, he’s drinking it all.1:30-With my batteries recharged, I decide to walk down the Strip. I am also quite hungry now. I go to a food court and get a burrito from Del Taco. That’s another great reason to go out to the West Coast. Gotta love the bizarro fast food options. I mean, seriously, Carl’s Jr?
4:00-My first fantasy football draft of the season is about to take place. I have no idea why it’s taking place in the second week of the preseason. I get someone’s computer from upstairs and take it to the pool. Doing my draft by the pool may be the greatest idea I ever had. Between picks, I do handstands in the pool. Unfortunately, the chick next to me was pretty hot and I blame her for drafting Clinton Portis.
7:00-We get a long table and chow down on delicious Double Doubles. Two girls wearing the classic In-n-Out server paper hats ask if we can take their picture. The more important question is: where did you get those awesome hats?!? We go to the front and ask for hats for our whole crew. They generously oblige. This is how you know In-n-Out Burger is awesome. We’re rolling close to 10 deep and now we’re all rocking In-n-Out server hats. Old Vegas time? Old Vegas time.
8:30-All the casinos are offering ridiculously cheap table games and drinks so we have to check it out. Fugitive wants to play blackjack again. I give him advice again and he does admirably despite facing off against a SABD. Everyone is asking about our hats but we really don’t have a good answer. Actually the only good one is “we’re just weirdos.” Some mentally disabled guy in the bathroom starts asking me about my hat while I’m taking a piss. I tell him I work at In-n-Out Burger. He follows me out of the bathroom and keeps asking questions. I run a pick with a showgirl like I’m Reggie Miller and lose him.
11:15-We stumble back to our hotel. I find a giant wet floor sign and bring it back to our room. I put it by the Jacuzzi and find it very appropriate.>
“It’s just how I was feeling at the time. It wasn’t even a comment from me, it was someone who sent it to me and I sent it out. It wasn’t toward that team. It definitely wasn’t a good showing by that team last night, I know they wish they would’ve played better.”—Queen James
We’re all giving Queen James a little too much credit here. The kid didn’t have a stable life growing up. He didn’t know what contraction meant. He’s no genius. Now he’s taking back his tweet from the other night that said, “Crazy. Karma is a b****. Gets you every time. It’s not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!” after the Cavs were demolished by the Lakers. It’s just not a good idea to take anything he says seriously. James is perhaps the most villainous athlete in all of sports. He either needs to go in full-heel mode or stop talking. You can’t do both. Sports are best when you have good guys and bad guys and LeBron can’t decide who he wants to be. Choose one already. Luckily, karma was on all of our sides as the Heat lost to the 13-24 Clippers last night and the Queen sprained his left ankle. He’s day-to-day.
Rainman Suite 
