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Is anyone looking for an 80’s pop icon? I think I may have seen him on Celebrity Apprentice.
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This week, Brandon Davies was kicked off the Brigham Young University basketball team for allegedly having sex with his girlfriend and violating BYU’s honor code. While Davies would still be the classiest player on the 1990 UNLV team, if he wanted to get jiggy, he probably should have gone to another school. The BYU honor code also forbids gambling, alcohol, cigarettes, porn, and coffee. I did not go to school there, but I dug a little deeper and found some more little-known restrictions at good ole BYU:
1. MTV
2. Building hotels in Monopoly
3. Visors
4. DVR’s
5. Taking Steve Young’s name in vain
6. Tanning
7. Having a member of the opposite sex in the passenger seat
8. Soccer
9. Buffalo wings
10. Infomercials
11. Spanish
12. The Simpsons after Season 8
13. Delivery pizza
14. Ponchos
15. Winning basketball
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Didn’t realize Bree Olson was one of the goddesses. WINNING! And now, drum roll please…
the title of my book has finally been delivered thru vast and extensive Lunar channels. “Apocalypse Me” Warlock Latin for WINNING. c
I like the last “c” at the end. This kid is like the ’96 Bulls right now.
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I had some interesting professors in my day. There was the hot French professor from Martinique who couldn’t speak a lick of English. Then, the Israeli Futures & Options professor that locked the door as soon as class started and posted pictures from his triathlon training on the class website. And yes, the professor who spent time at a camp to “cure” his homosexuality. None of these compare to J. Michael Bailey of Northwestern, however, who arranged for a couple to demonstrate the proper way to insert a vibrator after a class in human sexuality.
This is like something out of Sex and The City: The College Years. Normally, I’d be pumped up and say I’ve been looking for somewhere to get my Master’s Degree. But from the looks of it, the lady involved is not worth staying after class and keeping me from getting my Chick-fil-A on in the dining hall. I guess Mason Moore couldn’t make it, but at least it’s nice to see that the guy from Counting Crows is staying busy.
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The kids over at Brazzers miss Charlie Sheen, presumably because he’s not paying them thousands of dollars to come party with him. So they did what any spurned lover would do: put together a video saying how much they missed him. WINNER!
Britney Banxxx looks so sad.
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Let’s see what’s going on at the Sober Valley Lodge.
Face it folks, you just feel better when you say it. #WINNING
Hmmmmm…..Let’s see…..WINNING! Actually feels pretty good. Charlie is following Rob Pattinson, Sylvester Stallone, Nicky Hilton, George Lopez, Fred Durst, Nick Swisher, Piers Morgan, and Minka Kelly. WINNING!
>Now Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Timofey Mozgov
Posted: March 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in ridiculous, Timmy Mozgov>
Timofey Mozgov spent the recent All-Star Weekend marrying his sweetheart, Alla. It was spontaneous so they did what any kids would do—hop into a limo and go to a drive-in chapel in the clothes they were wearing. How romantic. Timmy was traded to Denver a few days later. Hope Alla likes skiing. With Timmy now gone from the Knicks, he is most likely taking an extended absence from The Suite. It wishes him good luck in marriage and his future battles with Blake Griffin.
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Boy meets girl. Boy moves in with girl. Boy cheats on girl. Girl sells all of boy’s stuff on eBay with sexy pictures. Taylor is an awesome 26 year-old chick from Florida who found a fun way to get back at her domineering, cheating boyfriend. After she kicked him out of the house, she started selling his things on eBay. Except when she’s displaying them, she’s barely wearing anything. Check it out. She’s pretty hot. There’s a beer coozy that’s on sale for $3.25. Can’t beat that price. Plus, it’s been in her panties. Taylor says the more she sells, the more creative she’s going to get, so get those credit cards out and bid away.
>Can I Get Extra Mice on that Pizza?
Posted: March 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in Philly sucks, pizza, ridiculous>
I’m not surprised that this took place in the Philadelphia area. Nickolas Galiatsatos was arrested for planting mice in two rival pizza places. He blew it by leaving a suspicious footprint on the toilet of one of them as he dropped off his furry friends in the ceiling. This is a classic case of a great plan and poor execution. Galiatsatos goes into the bathroom with a shady looking bag and then leaves a footprint? You don’t even need Ace Ventura to figure this one out. Gotta leave the bathroom the way you left it, buddy.
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I’ve been spending my time doing market research on the millions (AND MILLIONS!) of Suite readers out there. The thing I learned is you people love new segments, so here’s one for all y’all. In The Suite, we like winners and there’s no bigger winner out there than Charlie Sheen. He started a Twitter account today. It’s the greatest thing since Hot Shots Part Deux (bloodiest movie ever) so without further ado, here is the Charlie Sheen Tweet of the Day. BRING IT!
Just got invited to do the Nancy Grace show… I’d rather go on a long road trip with Chuck Lorre in a ’75 Pacer….
Rainman Suite 