Archive for the ‘baseball’ Category

Holy shit. When I saw Andy Pettitte was returning to the Yankees, I assumed it was as a spring training instructor or goodwill ambassador or something. Nope, the old man is coming back in pinstripes. I wonder if Jorge feels like an idiot now for retiring. We could’ve have the Core Four back together. In case you’re keeping track at home, we’ve gone from Core Four to Core Three to Core Two to Core Three in about a year. Even Oprah’s weight doesn’t change as often.

Andy is a legend and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Make a comeback at 39? Sure. Hump George Steinbrenner’s massive plaque in Monument Park? Why not. Pettitte actually pitched well in 2010 until he was hit by injuries. If he comes back in May or June like they’re projecting, he should be able to last until October.

The Yanks’ pitching was the big reason they lost last year, and even with the additions of Pineda and Kuroda, they could use as many pitchers as possible. The Supernova might have trouble in his sophomore season as hitters figure him out, Freddy Garcia is banged up, Phil Hughes is a question mark, Pineda’s velocity has been down, and who knows how Kuroda will react to the AL. Andy is still Mr. Clutch in October and that’s all that matters with the Bombers. If there’s a big game, there’s no one I’d rather see on the mound. It doesn’t matter how old he is. Guess after hearing all of Joe Girardi’s motivational tactics while visiting Tampa, #46 just couldn’t resist coming back.

ESPN

The Daily News got a hold of surveillance footage showing Yankees GM Brian Cashman with the woman he had an affair with and is now on trial for blackmailing him. It appears that Cashman is an expert at keeping things on the DL with the ladies, from wearing a hat pulled down low to avoiding text messages to entering and leaving his chick’s apartment through the service exit. In the video, Cashman was seen leaving the scene of the crime around 5:30 in the morning. That’s colder than the way he treated Jorge Posada. However, it is unknown whether Cashman left blondie a gift basket upon his departure. What exactly do you think Cash would leave in his gift basket? I’m thinking an economics textbook, a coupon for LASIK surgery, and an autographed radar gun.

You can talk about Billy Beane and Moneyball all you want, but this is why Cashman gets the job done. If you want to be a successful GM in any sport, you have to be sneaky and underhanded. There’s no better way to do this than keeping a couple girls on the side. In fact, Cashman is probably so committed to the Yankees, it was the only reason he was carousing with a crazy stalker bitch. At least that’s what I’d tell him to say to his wife.

NY Daily News

You really did it this time, Zolio. The Red Sox were in town at Steinbrenner Field, just asking for a beatdown after everything that Bobby V’s been saying. The game was scoreless into the 9th but Zolio misplayed a single into an inside-the-park home run. Now everything New York has accomplished recently against Boston is for naught. Blueshirts rocking the B’s on their way to the #1 seed? Doesn’t matter. Super Bowl XLVI? Who cares. All I know is that that smug bastard Bobby V is probably smiling and waving goodbye to the fans in Tampa from the back of the bus. We had a chance to shut this clown up and Zolio Almonte gave it all away. Somebody better have a great motivational quote planned for tomorrow. On the plus side, Ivan Nova threw four shutout innings with three strikeouts and only allowed two hits. I guess it wasn’t a total washout.

MLB

Bobby Valentine sure isn’t making many friends this spring training. After taking shots at Derek Jeter’s iconic flip play, the new Red Sox manager infuriated new Miami Marlins skipper Jose Guillen by waving goodbye after Guillen was ejected from their game for arguing a call. Guillen didn’t see it but after being told by reporters what Bobby-san did, he responded, “I don’t see it. I would have told him to go and fuck himself, too. That’s the way Ozzie Guillen is.”

Nice to see both of these maniacs are in regular season form. Ozzie is going to be completely off the reservation in Miami with all his hombres, and Bobby V already showed he’s going to stir shit to get the stink off his team from last season. These two teams meet up again in June. Let’s hope things get all Olivia Newton-John.

For sure, Ozzie would cut up Bobby V. He’s loco, mang. He probably keeps a switchblade in his back pocket. What’s Bobby thinking? It’s all fun and waving until the Latin Kings cut his face off. He might have to break the fake mustache out of storage to get around in Miami from now on. And you better believe if Bobby V keeps this up when the Yanks and Sox play each other, he might take a Derek Jeter flip to the face. What a bitch move.

Big Lead

Looks like Joe Girardi’s Spring of Motivation is contagious. No, Nick Swisher and Brett Gardner aren’t skipping workouts to discuss the teachings of Voltaire and Martin Luther King. Yankees Chief International Officer (really?) and landscaper-in-chief Felix Lopez has been taking in games from the team’s dugout at Steinbrenner Field and is known to do a little more cheering than the skipper would like. You might know Lopez as the luckiest son of a bitch in the world, who married into the Steinbrenner family after meeting the Boss’s daughter, Jessica, while landscaping her house (yes, really).

Now he oversees the Yanks’ spring training home in Tampa and their Latin American scouting department, where his biggest accomplishments have been designing new lounges and bringing the 2009 World Series Trophy to the Dominican Republic (yesssssssssssss really—stop asking). But wait…there’s more. On a day when brother-in-law Hal was out of town, Felix tried to deliver a booming speech to rally the troops. Apparently it was so awful, the players were shaking their heads with confusion after 10 incoherent minutes.

I’m all for nepotism but somebody has to keep Felix in line. First, he’s delivering rambling speeches and sitting in the dugout during spring training. Then, he’ll be making lineup suggestions to Cashman and Girardi. Next thing you know, he’s going to activate himself like he’s Roger Dorn and investing all the Yankees’ money with Ponzi schemers. The Boss was so concerned about winning in the present, he never groomed a proper successor. Hank would rather chain smoke, kidnap children, and yell at reporters. Steve Swindal had it all until he fucked it up with a DUI. Worst of all, Hal wants the Bombers to practice FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY. Poor George must be rolling over in his grave. One thing’s for sure. El Bossito needs to focus on cutting the grass and let experts like the bat-breaking preacher handle the inspiration.

Personally, I’d be happy enough if my father-in-law had season tickets, much less owned the team.

NY Daily News

David Robertson OK, Still A Huge Dork

Posted: March 10, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
Tags: , , ,

If you’re a Yankees fan, breathe a huge sigh of relief. Tests revealed that setup man David Robertson only suffered a bone bruise when he fell while carrying recyclables on Wednesday and may be ready for Opening Day. Robertson is expected to start pitching again in two weeks and hopefully has been banned by Joe Girardi from doing any household tasks. Looks like the Soriano-Robertson-Rivera endgame will be good to go in 2012 although Robertson admitted that his ego took a hit from the whole ordeal. Of course it did. Who actually recycles? Isn’t that what they do in Flushing?

Something always seems to happen to the Yankee bullpen. Kyle Farnsworth, getting attacked by bugs in Cleveland, Joba and Soriano with injuries last year, and now this. Mo is the only constant. Really makes you appreciate how lucky the Yanks are to have him. Thanks to his conversations with God, he is fully protected from falling down stairs, bumping his head on any overhangs, or cutting himself while shaving. Now what are the odds we could sign a lefty to come out of the pen who’s also a priest?

Sporting News


How much does this commercial kill you if you’re a Cubs fan? It’s like waving a juicy steak in front of a guy dying of hunger. All I know is that if they made a commercial like this for the Knicks, I’d probably be sobbing for hours afterwards. Cubbie fans have been through enough. Can we just leave them alone until they actually win one?

An injury-free spring training took a turn for the worse for the Yankees as All-Star setup man David Robertson injured his foot Wednesday and is slated for a battery of tests. No, he didn’t injure it during a game or doing drills. While taking a box out for recycling, Captain Planet slipped, missed a step, and now may be out an extended period of time.

Robertson was lights-out last year. He was the best setup guy in the game and his ERA was 1.08. For comparison, Mariano’s was 1.91. In a season where the Bombers’ starting and relief pitching was hit hard by injuries and inconsistency, he was the one dependable player on the staff. Now, he might be out for months because he’s a fucking boy scout.

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Nowhere do I see the word reliever. Why is anyone on the Yankees doing their own chores? The Steinbrenners have money coming out of their ass and they can’t spring for a housekeeper? Tampa is the strip club capital of the world. I’m sure there are a few out of work strippers who wouldn’t mind helping out the Yanks for spring training. Or maybe we can get A.J. back from the Pirates and he can be our designated chore boy.

The thing that worries me is that injuries usually come in bunches. This better not turn into an epidemic. The last thing I need to see is “Curtis Granderson out 4-6 weeks washing dishes” or “Robinson Cano out rest of the season doing laundry.” Although I could see A-Rod injuring himself wrestling with some amazon chick or whatever the fuck he does. I swear if the 2012 Yankees turn into the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team, I will not renew my 9-game discount ticket plan.

Dave, baby, I appreciate you trying to help the environment, but we’re not paying you to do chores. You are in charge of getting out of jams and making sure Mo gets the ball in the 9th inning with the lead. You could dump all your garbage in front of my apartment for all I care as long as we beat the Red Sox. Who cares about pollution when you got that Championship ring? Get a housekeeper to clean up around the house. That’s the Yankee way. Spend your way out of problems. Either that, or we might have to turn you into a bubble boy. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NY Times


Joe Girardi’s Spring of Motivation continues. He already has the players sharing quotes in both English and Spanish on a daily basis, but this was a little bit of a changeup. Donnie Moore spoke to Yanks yesterday before their game against Tampa Bay. His message was simple: envision your own success. His method, however, was a bit different. To get to the point, Moore broke bats against his legs, tore a phone book and can of soda in half, and rolled up a frying fan. He’s a watermelon and a sledgehammer away from being Gallagher.

Moore is currently the chaplain of the Oakland A’s and has been since the early 90’s, where he apparently learned his motivational tactics from Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco. He may claim to get his strength from Jesus, but what he doesn’t tell you is that Jesus is the shady Mexican bodybuilder at his gym. The Rev. Bash Brother even got the bat he broke in the video from Manny Ramirez. I wonder if it was when Manny was pregnant. No word on whether Moore helped motivate Ryan Braun last year as well.

If Donnie Moore can do all this, why doesn’t Cashman just sign him? I love all the motivational speeches but how about a little less phone book-ripping and a little more BP? Although really, isn’t the last person a baseball team should be associated with a dude with unreal strength who owes it all to his faith? Next thing you know A-Rod is going to send his cousin on a missionary trip to DR. And if this guy even shook hands with Rafael Soriano, he’d probably have to go on the 60-day disabled list.  Next time Joe wants to motivate the troops, there’s only one person he needs to call…


NY Daily News

New Phillies closer and still douchebag Jonathan Papelbon went on the radio in Philadelphia today to talk about the transition to his new team from the Red Sox. Papelbon described Philly fans by saying they “tend to know the game a little better” although Boston was “a bit more hysterical.” Talk about a low blow for Boston. Saying that Philly is smarter than you is like telling a chick Snooki is cuter than her.

Really, though, are Philly and Boston fans really that much different? The Phanactics are a bunch of degenerates, and the Beaneaters are a bunch of toolish frontrunners. It’s the equivalent of picking the smartest kid in the Special Olympics or Matthew McConaughey’s best movie.

My favorite subplot in all of this is yet another former Red Sox taking a shit on the team after leaving. Wasn’t Pap Smear supposed to be the ultimate Red Sox? Brash, confident, asshole. Then, the Sox make an underwhelming contract offer and he can’t wait to spew venom. What a class act. He’s going to be a perfect fit in Philadelphia.

However, it’s becoming more and more clear that nobody likes playing in Boston. It’s going to take a lot more than throwing money around, banning beer, or bringing in a clown as manager to fix the problem. In baseball, chemistry shouldn’t matter but it does. Say what you want about Joe Girardi’s antics from the motivational quotes to the team improv outing but at least he’s working to get his players to like each other. That goes a long way during the dog days and is a hell of a lot better than fried chicken.

ESPN