Archive for the ‘jabronis’ Category

Jabroni of the Week: The BCS

Posted: June 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in BCS, college football, jabronis, USC
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The BCS retroactively stripped USC of its 2004 BCS National Championship for multiple rules violations. They won over six years ago. This isn’t yesterday’s news. This is yesterday’s yesterday’s news. So what if Reggie Bush got a car? Isn’t that basically what happens with every major football program?

Stripping USC of the Title is the lamest punishment ever. Everyone got their rings, accolades, and sex from the deal. You can’t take that back. Maybe a week after the fact but not six years. It’s not going to change the way anyone thinks. USC blasted Oklahoma that year too. It wasn’t like there were two evenly matched squads going up for the Trophy. The BCS didn’t even award the Title to anyone else. It’s vacant. Yet another reason why pro sports are superior to the college game. Even though the entire 2004 Boston Red Sox was juiced out of their mind, that fucking Trophy still resides at Fenway.

BCS, baby, nobody likes you already. On top of that, you’re probably an illegal monopoly. Now that Osama bin Laden is gone, you’re next in line for Congress after the bad economy. Leave well enough alone. You exist to determine the best college football team in the country, not act as a moral compass for America. If you want to be, feel free to go out and stop programs from cheating. But please, do it today and not six years from now (if you’re still here). Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Anthony Weiner

Posted: June 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in Anthony Weiner, jabronis
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New York Congressman Anthony Weiner got in trouble this week for sending a picture of his crotch to a college student. And his name is Weiner! Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I don’t get the dong shots. Especially if you’re a public figure. Like this chick is gonna be like, “Oh damn, look at that magnificent bulge. I need me some Weiner.” You know the first thing she did was show her friends and laugh. And then, when it doesn’t work out (and it never does), you know that pic is going to be all over the Internet.

You just can’t do the dong shots in modern times. I’m sure back in the day Joe DiMaggio handed out hundreds of photographs of his “bat.” How do you think he got Marilyn Monroe? Marilyn probably shared the pics with the girls around the studio and that was that. Not anymore.

Then to make things worse, Weiner went on TV and made about 30 double entrendres about his junk. It was as if he was Michael Scott. Still, he denied or confirmed nothing and said he hired a private investigator to investigate. It was the worst move possible. If you say it’s yours, you get some heat but it’ll ultimately die down. If you says it’s not yours, nobody can disprove you. That’s why I don’t understand. He should have just lied. Was this a picture with his creepy, smiling face cropped out? Is there really another unaltered photo out there? Deny till you die.

Tony, Tony, Tony, you should have known better. This probably won’t end up costing you your office, but I’m sure your wife doesn’t like it. The real key is to get chicks to send you pics of themselves. Sometimes they’ll make you send one first. Don’t take the bait. Honestly, you seem like a good guy, but this was real amateur hour stuff. I don’t want you representing New York after this stunt. It’s not so much that you did it, but the lame way you covered it up. You really couldn’t remember taking a shot of your dong? That’s the guy I want enacting important laws. How did you get so far in politics? Be a man and admit it or shut your mouth. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Fleet Week Sailors

Posted: May 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, sailors
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I love America. I love the military. My grandfather served in the Navy and I shop at Old Navy. These guys put their lives on the line to protect our country and I will forever be grateful, but dammit if every May they take over the streets of the City and make the girls swoon.

They’re just tourists in silly outfits. I had to walk through Times Square the other day and kept bumping into sailors who were taking pictures and looking for the Ball. That’s bad enough but on top of it, they get more chicks than guys with British accents. Maybe they deserve it for fighting on the front line, but aren’t the real heroes the ordinary guys who get up and go to work everyday (or write about basketball in their pajamas while drinking margaritas)? It’s also illegal to impersonate a sailor so my plan to go to Ricky’s and buying a uniform was foiled. Why do they need to wear it all the time anyway? It’s to get ass. No other reason. Sloth from The Goonies could throw on a sailor costume and he’d get laid.

I know we’re supposed to show our appreciation for you sailors for Fleet Week, but you would love the beauty queens in Philadelphia just as much. You were just off at sea for months. Can’t be picky. Plus, being with a Philly girl is like training for battle. It’s for America, people! Let’s save our streets and save our ladies (for Keith Stone). Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Anyone Who Thinks the World Is Going To End Today

Posted: May 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, rapture
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This is starting to get a little ridiculous. Some guy named Robert Fitzpatrick spent over $100,000 on advertisements saying that the world is going to end today. I appreciate that he’s trying to get me to repent and look after my well-being, but if I thought the world was going to end I’d be blowing my money in Vegas.

This whole idea is based around the fact that today is the 7,000th anniversary of God telling Noah to build his Ark. I have a big problem with this. Weren’t calendars a little different back then? There were like eight months in the year. Also, I’m a little rusty on my scripture, but didn’t the giant flood pretty much destroy human civilization? I’m assuming Noah didn’t have a Blackberry to keep track of what day of the week it was. The odds of these guys nailing the exact second of the Earth’s destruction are worse than me being the father of January Jones’s bastard child. Everyone knows the world is supposed to end in 2012, anyway. Hollywood would not lie about this.

I hate people that read something and assume there’s symbolism all over the place. I personally liked Animal Farm for the animals. Can’t you just enjoy the Bible without seeing all these hidden endtime prophesies? You can find symbolism in anything, even an article about Arnold Schwarzenegger ‘s baby mama in US Weekly. I just can’t wait to see the look on their faces when the world is still here at 6:01. Oh whoops, I just spent my life savings advertising an event that didn’t happen. At least this is going to help the MTA. Maybe they won’t have to raise subway fares to $4 a ride. Fitzpatrick doesn’t even have the foresight to put advertising on his website, you know, just in case he’s wrong and needs some grocery money.

Maybe that’s what I’ll do with The Suite to drive up the pageviews. You heard it here first. The world is going to end on June 17, 2012 when the Knicks win the NBA Title. Get the doomsday clock going, baby! But please, don’t spend the time cowering in fear and buying advertising on buses. Use that money to take the Stoner to Ghostbar. Until then, you’re a Jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Jason Mraz

Posted: May 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Jason Mraz
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I just don’t like this guy. The high-pitched voice. The fact that he gets way more ass than me. The fedoras. Chill out with the fedoras, bro. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Andre Leon Talley

Posted: May 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in Andre Leon Talley, jabronis
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Andre Leon Talley is the former editor-at-large for Vogue so presumably he’d be a fashionable guy. At the MET Costume Gala on Monday night, he instead looked like a gay Jabba the Hutt. It looks like Talley spilled something on his tux beforehand and didn’t have a backup so he grabbed his bedsheet. Either that, or it’s a XXXL Snuggie.

It bothers me that all these fashion people can wear whatever they want and nobody calls them on it. Dude is wearing a blue bedsheet. What the fuck?!?! Lady Gaga wears a dress out of Kermit the Frog dolls and it’s great. I wear brown shoes with a black belt and every single one of my friends has to point it out. Sometimes I just want to wear my Eli Manning jersey and jean shorts without getting weird looks. The Notorious ALT could probably pull that off at a funeral.

Andre, baby, you’re better than this. From the looks of it, the tuxedo underneath your bedsheet looks perfectly fine. You’re giving all the fashion guys out there a bad name. Do you think Karl Laggerfeld would wear something like that? On second thought, don’t answer. Just remember, the simpler the better and don’t wear white after Labor Day. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Dlisted

>Jabroni of the Week: AntiMalware Doctor Virus

Posted: April 24, 2011 by Keith Stone in AntiMalware Virus, jabronis
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I’ve had my computer for seven and a half years now. That’s like 94 in computer years. I love it, though. We’ve been through a lot over the years. Working on papers till four in the morning. Paris Hilton’s sex tape. And of course, The Suite. That’s why it broke my heart when my computer came down with the AntiMalware Doctor virus while I was looking for potential Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum Girls.

The virus was apparently developed in Russia and mimics antivirus software. It says your computer has a virus and then tries to get you to “upgrade” to a new version using your credit card. Stupid Russians spelled half the words wrong on the program. I knew it was a scam the second it popped up on my screen.

Problem is, I can’t get it off. Every 30 seconds, a box comes up saying I have a virus. I know I have a virus, fuckface, and it’s you. My computer is slow enough as it is. The screen doesn’t stay open so I prop it up against the wall. Imagine your grandmother was in a wheelchair and she came down with pneumonia. Now imagine this same grandma was your only source of porn. I gave up porn for Lent, so this is happening at exactly the wrong time. The virus needs to come off right now.

Virus, baby, I don’t mind getting an E-mail every once in a while saying I won the Russian lottery and need to pay the taxes before I collect the winnings. I don’t even mind that you tried to scam me. It was a valiant effort but I’m smarter than you. You’re like the Terminator and I’m Linda Hamilton. I’m not sending you my credit card so dasvidaniya. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

>Jabroni of the Week: Jeffrey Klein

Posted: April 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in Four Loko, jabronis, Jeffrey Klein
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Jeffrey Klein is the state senator from the Bronx who’s sponsoring a bill that would ban Four Loko and similar drinks from being sold at delis. Four Loko already stopped using caffeine. Now it’s basically just a shitty alcoholic drink. And hey, you can always just mix some vodka with Red Bull. Klein argues that fruity alcoholic beverages encourage kids to drink. How does it encourage kids to drink more than a Bud Light commercial?

Jeff, baby, that’s funny and it had nothing to do with beer. I’d buy tampons if that’s what the commercial was selling. Speaking of which, beer is what kids are going to buy instead if you ban Four Loko. This state has so many problems. Selling Joose at Robin Raj should be the least of your worries. The subway is too expensive and it sucks. Fix that. The education system sucks. Fix that. Maybe if you did, there’d be less kids trying to get drunk and more studying for math tests. This isn’t Communist Sweden. As long as the bodega down the street isn’t selling crack rock to six-year-olds, stay out of its business. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

>Jabroni of the Week: Zdeno Chara

Posted: April 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in BOSTON SUCKS, jabronis, NHL, Zdeno Chara
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The Rangers have had more up-and-downs this season than the Great American Scream Machine. They’ll beat a team 7-0 and then get shut out. After winning six out of seven games to seemingly seal up their spot in the playoffs, they faltered a bit losing two of three. That combined with hot play by Buffalo and Carolina put them on the brink of missing the playoffs for the second consecutive year.

With the first place Boston Bruins in town, a lot was on the line. The Blueshirts got off to a slow start (™2011 New York Rangers) and fell behind 3-0. That’s when the magic started happening. Vinny Prospal scored twice to close to within a goal. Then with less than four minutes left, Ryan Callahan made a spectacular no-look pass to Brandon Dubinsky, who scored a pretty backhand goal. Michael Sauer followed it up with another tally a minute later and the Rangers had their playoff dreams back in hand.

The Bruins were frantically trying to tie the game up when giant freak Zdeno Chara took a slap shot that was blocked by Ryan Callahan. The Rangers’ entire season has been based around grittiness and doing whatever it takes to win. No one epitomized this more than Ryan Callahan. He’s been the heart and soul of this team and he’s a really talented young player. When Chara’s shot broke Callahan’s ankle, that’s what made it more disheartening.

Zdeno, baby, we beat you guys but now our leader is out for the foreseeable future. The Rangers followed up their incredible victory with a flat 3-0 loss to Atlanta and now need help to make the playoffs. This is all your fault. We know you have the most powerful shot ever and you already broke that kid’s neck up in Montreal. Please stop injuring players. You’re 6’10”. You shouldn’t be playing hockey. Why didn’t you learn how to shoot hoops when you were a kid? You could have been the next Arvydas Sabonis. Hit the hardwood, kid. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

>Jabroni of the Week: AMC

Posted: April 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in AMC, jabronis, Mad Men
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AMC announced earlier this week that it is bringing back Mad Men, the best show on TV, for a fifth season. However, it still hadn’t reached an agreement with show head Matthew Weiner. For four seasons, Mad Men has been an amazing, groundbreaking television experience with rich characters and storylines. Mad Men took AMC from a channel that replayed Halloween 5 and Superman III on a constant basis to one that was known for its quality content and paved the way for other award-winning shows like Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead.

That’s why it was so curious that the announcement for Mad Men came without Weiner. Weiner wanted a large salary but conflicts arose around the show’s length and budget. AMC wanted to add more commercials and product placement while cutting two regular cast members.

Mad Men and Matthew Weiner are the slutty bartender of AMC. They are the channel’s cornerstones. Why would you pull such a hard-line stance against them and try to change something that has worked so perfectly in the past? Maybe the show isn’t making as much money as it could but it’s genius. Who cares how much money it took Leonardo da Vinci to paint the Mona Lisa? It’s a work of art and a whole lot better than low-rent movie sequels.

Eventually, Weiner and AMC came to a deal. Mad Men will return in January and run for three more seasons. The show will be cut by two minutes but extended versions of episodes will be available on DVD. Product placement and cast changes will be done on a need-basis. A fair compromise, I suppose, although one of the strengths of Mad Men was its lack of interruptions.

AMC, baby, why would you try to kill the golden goose? You should have given Matthew Weiner everything he wanted. You should have changed your name to the Weiner Network if he wanted. It’s a good thing he’s a pro and will continue to make an amazing show. This is another example of corporate greed and dumb executives taking for granted what they already have. You already have the Mona Lisa. Don’t give it a boob job. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

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