Archive for the ‘NFL’ Category

Fire Jeff Ireland

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, Miami Dolphins, NFL
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Dat Roro Kid was in the the news this week, causing trouble as usual. He and his cronies over at Fins Nation have raised $1,500 to have a plane fly over Sun Life Stadium for the Dolphins’ home finale on New Years’ Day with a banner imploring owner Stephen Ross to fire GM Jeff Ireland. The banner will read, “Mr. Ross, save our Dolphins. Fire Jeff Ireland.” The Dolphins have gone 19-27 under the stewardship of Ireland over the past three seasons, but his real crime might be not making the team sucky enough to earn the right to draft Andrew Luck. You may also remember Ireland as the guy that asked Dez Bryant if his mother was a prostitute. Seems like a classy fellow.

You have to hand it to Roro and his boys. They believe that this guy needs to go and they went out and did something about it. Most of us just stop going to the games when we get fed up. The “airplane watch” tailgate party before the game is going to be a must-do if you’re a Dolphins fan.

National Football Post

WEEK 81 – Final Destination

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, Deadskins, football, Giants, NFL
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Redskins 23, Giants 10

I think this Giants season is going to kill me. I really do. When they were down 17-0, I felt like I wanted to start sobbing because this season has been so fucking frustrating and just when it seems like they’ve turned the corner, they lay this shitbomb against Washington. The fucking Redskins! Rex Grossman looked like Joe Montana out there. I know the team is banged up but they just didn’t execute. If it’s third-and-long and they throw a short pass, you have to make a tackle. And I love Hakeem Nicks, but he dropped two touchdowns. You can’t do that at the beginning of the game because it sets a negative tone and then Eli doesn’t want to throw deep anymore.

The game was way too similar to too many of the Giants’ losses this year, which I thought we were finished with after the Cowboys game. They have a seemingly inferior opponent and are content to let them hang around until it’s too late. Rex Grossman was the quarterback. Blitz the shit out of him! He didn’t do anything when the Giants brought pressure but more times than none they send four guys or even three. On the offense, there were some deep passes but once the team got behind, they really should have been throwing. Hey, Kevin Gilbride, ever hear of a play-action? Just because a team is worse doesn’t mean you can’t bring the heat.

The funny thing is the Giants still had a shot to win it yesterday. Then Manningham runs a stupid route and Eli gets picked off. Still they get the ball back to the goal line but nobody can hold onto a pass. It seemed like no matter what the Giants just weren’t winning the game. It sucks but it’s only one game and sometimes they happen. You just gotta write it off.

And so the season takes another wild turn and I’m one step closer to seeing a cardiologist. Who knows how the Jets are going to look. They played horribly yesterday but obviously they’re going to come out with something to prove next week. It’s probably going to be a low scoring game, but with Sanchez at quarterback, I’d like to see the Giants keep him on his toes. As bad as the Redskins game was, with everything that’s happened this season, I still think the Giants are going to make it to that last game against the Cowboys. It seems like the fates would have it no other way.

WEEK 15 Picks: No Fantasy

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL
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I got eliminated in the first round of my fantasy playoffs last week. Nobody likes to hear about the details so I’ll spare them. It’s kind of like not looking at the dick of the guy next to you at the urinal. I’ll deal solely with hypothetical examples.

Really, is there a more illogical concept than fantasy football? You could have a great week and beat every other team in the league except one and lose because the guy you’re playing is that one. Maybe your starting running back gets benched for the first half of a game for a vague curfew violation THAT YOU HAD NO WAY TO PREPARE FOR while the running backs on your bench went for 20 points. Maybe you pick up a new kicker because your old one got shut out the week before and then he proceeds to score 10 more points than the one you picked up. Why are kickers on a fantasy team anyway? The amount of points they score is totally dependent on the rest of their team. How is that fair? I’d rather roll a ten-sided die to get my kicker points than actually let a kicker determine it.

And don’t forget about the football fans that only root for their fantasy players. They’re the worst. Ever sit next to one of them at a bar and you think he’s rooting for your team because he’s cheering for one of your guys? Then, your team scores a touchdown but he’s pissed because his WR didn’t score it? Chill out, bro. This isn’t The Lawnmower Man. Some of us exist in the real world. Yeah, I’m bitter. Onto the picks.

REDSKINS AT GIANTS (-6.5)
Stone: Giants

Slumdeeezy: Giants

Rory: Redskins
I think the Giants still win, but it is a close one.  Sexy Rexy!

DP Animal: Giants
The rivalry game aspect gives me pause, but it’s hard to take Rex Grossman on the road.

Phanatic: Redskins

PACKERS (13.5) AT CHIEFS
Stone: Packers
If the Chiefs score 10 points, I’ll be wildly surprised.

Slumdeeezy: Packers

Rory: Packers
Fairy Tale Football playoffs for me!  I have Rodgers & Nelson (which sounds like a play-writing duo).  Due to the advanced efforts of Julio Jones and Mo-Jo Drew, I need these two to play extremely well.

DP Animal: Packers

Phanatic: Packers

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S.H.I.S.: Cowboys-Buccaneers

Posted: December 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, Cowgirls, football, NFL, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
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The NFL Network has done it again! Two underachieving teams. One that has been eliminated from the playoffs, and one where this game barely matters thanks to the NFL’s complicated tiebreaking procedures. For what it’s worth, we need more Saturday games. I’m usually hungover when I watch on Sunday. Now I can really drink. Every time I see Tony Romo smile, I’m taking a shot. I hope I can get up tomorrow. Here’s our picks for tonight’s game.

COWBOYS (-6.5) AT BUCCANEERS
Stone: Cowboys
Slumdeezy: Buccaneers
Rory: Cowboys
DP Animal: Cowboys
Phanatic: Buccaneers

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 116-87
Rory: 114-89
Slumdeezy: 109-94
DP Animal: 100-103
Phanatic: 95-108

S.H.I.T.: Jaguars-Falcons

Posted: December 15, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, Atlanta Falcons, football, Jacksonville Jaguars, NFL, S.H.I.T.
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The NFL did it again! Another Thursday night double-digit spread for all of us lucky football fans. The Jags have an interim coach while the Falcons have a coach that may have a heart attack at any minute. That’s pretty much the only storyline I can think of. Let’s just hope it’s not going to be a close game. Picks!

JAGUARS AT FALCONS (-10.5)
Stone: Jaguars
Slumdeezy: Falcons
Rory: Jaguars
Phanatic: Falcons
DP Animal: Falcons

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 116-86
Rory: 114-88
Slumdeezy: 108-94
DP Animal: 99-103
Phanatic: 94-108

Jabroni of the Week: Super Bowl XLVI

Posted: December 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, jabronis, Madonna, NFL, Super Bowl, Super Bowl XLVI
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Ever since the infamous Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” during the halftime show of Super Bowl XXXVIII, the performers have been mainly limited to aging rockers without nipple shields. Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, the Rolling Stones. Last year, the Black Eyed Peas were a welcome return to a show with songs that you could hear on the radio and not just a classic rock station.

You’d think the trend might continue and then Madonna was named as this year’s halftime show performer. I didn’t realize she was still alive. Does the NFL realize that the Super Bowl is a football game and not a drag queen convention? I’m all for having somebody that will expand the current audience of NFL fans, but I would say that at least 98% of football fans not only don’t care about Madonna but actively dislike her. And remember Janet Jackson’s boob a few years ago? Madonna is one of the most provocative pop stars of all-time. If you’re looking for somebody that might do something like that or even worse, it’s Madonna. Or Lady Gaga.

Super Bowl XLVI, baby, I know that you’re all about the football, but you’ve gotta remember the halftime show. You’re going to be one the best memories for one fan base. I still remember pacing around my apartment as Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers played I Won’t Back Down at Super Bowl XLII. Every time I hear that song, I smile. You can’t stick a fan with Vogue. Unless he’s a Cowboys fan.

There are plenty of talented, young artists out there today, and thinking back there really hasn’t been a big hip hop act play the Super Bowl. Can we make a call to Drake or Flo Rida or Eminem or Jay-Z or Kanye? Anybody but Madonna. If the game isn’t close, you better believe a lot of people are going to be checking to see what else is on. Dump the old bitch. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Dream Team Owes New York Thousands of Dollars

Posted: December 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in dinero, Dream Team, football, NFL, NYC
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The Dream Team isn’t just filled with overrated miscreants on the field. The accountants they signed in the offseason haven’t really panned out well either. The New York City Finance Department just released a list of the top 100 city debtors and among those listed are Heineken USA, Lehman Brothers, the Rev. Al Sharpton, and the Philadelphia Eagles. A motley crew of debtors they are. In Philadelphia, it’s not customary to pay the debts you owe but this is New York. If the Dream Team doesn’t pay their $15,263.69 in back business taxes soon, you better believe that Mayor Bloomberg is sending Justin Tuck and JPP down the Turnpike to collect. Seriously, how pathetic is that organization? Not only have they had one of the most disappointing seasons in recent memory, but they owe taxes to the city of one of their main rivals. Looks like they shouldn’t have given Dogkiller Vick that $100 million extension. At least they could always bring in Juan Castillo to balance the books.

NY Daily News

WEEK 80 – Cold As Ice

Posted: December 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, Cowgirls, football, Giants, NFL
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Giants 37, Cowboys 34

Hold on, give me a second…

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHDSFKLDFFDSDGFDSGDFSGFDSGF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, all better. I mean, talk about snatching a victory away from the jaws of defeat. I’m the most optimistic fan alive but after that last Cowboys touchdown, I was already thinking about next year. Then, Eli leads a quick drive down the field. Hey, we may have a chance. Then, Romo to Austin and he has a touchdown but he loses it in the lights!!! Talk about Tebow having divine intervention. From there, it was a bad punt, the Cowboys’ silly penalties, and clutch play from Eli and the gang, and the Giants were doing their best Jason Voorhees impression.

But you know nothing is ever easy with the Giants. I’m in pretty good shape, but in like eight of the Giants’ games this year, I’ve felt like I’m going to pass out from the pressure. Romo gets the Cowboys in field goal position and it looks like this thing is headed to overtime. But wait, Tom Coughlin takes a timeout that would make Zack Morris proud. And then, JPP and his six-foot arms seal the deal!!! I’ve been a Giants fan for about 15 years and besides Super Bowl XLII and maybe WEEK 17 in 2002 to clinch a playoff berth over the Eagles in overtime, this was the best win I’ve seen.

Yeah, they blew a ton of winnable games earlier in the season but fuck if this isn’t exciting. You really can’t say enough about Eli Manning so I won’t. People can make fun of the way he looks or talks but he’s a guy I want on my team. Jacobs came out ready to run. Every week Tom Coughlin should plant something derogatory the other team said about him. Not having Bradshaw was tough but it’s hard to comment not knowing the specifics. That’s the way Coughlin runs this team and there are both positives and negatives that stem from it. Nicks finally emerged as a dominant Plaxico-like receiver and Cruz and Manningham both did their thing. The O-line also seems to have solidified with the new guys taking over. Maybe Baas and Beatty were banged up or maybe they just suck. The playcalling again was conservative as well. Why can’t we play like there’s two minutes left in the game every drive?

Of course, the defense struggled and even looked terrible at times. Cowboys receivers were consistently able to get behind defenders in the secondary and Felix Jones ran for 100 yards even after DeMarco Murray left the game. JPP is unbelievable, though. He gets to the quarterback, stuffs the run, and makes plays in the open field. Who else has a safety and the game-winning field goal block in the same game? And he’s still learning how to play! I’m excited to see him progress in the next few years.

There’s a lot of improving to do but for now the Giants are alive and well in first place in the NFC East. Like I’ve said before, I think the Giants are better than the Cowboys, not much better, but after winning in Dallas, they deserve to be where they are. In all likelihood, the division will come down to the last game at Giants Stadium. The only thing I know is that it’s going to be unpredictable. Let’s just hope Ahmad Bradshaw makes curfew.

WEEK 14 Picks: Leave Tom Coughlin Alone!

Posted: December 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, Giants, NFL, Tom Coughlin
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I’m so sick of all this Giants’ second half collapse bullshit. This team has been hit by so many injuries, the fact that they’re 6-6 right now is an accomplishment. I don’t know why but for the past three seasons, their schedule has been signifianctly harder at the end of the season. It’s not like the falling leaves make Eli Manning wistful for the South while Tom Coughlin suffers from seasonal affective disorder. If anyone needs to be fired, it’s the guy who makes the schedule. We could play a good team in the first half of the season every once in a while. The Giants have had some indefensible no shows over the years but I’m tired of the jokes and calls for bloodshed. Four years ago, they had they greatest run to end the season of ALL-TIME!!! Tom Coughlin is a World Champion coach. He can leave when he wants, not because his shorthanded team lost to the last two Super Bowl Champs. I think the Giants are better than the Cowboys. Now that the team is finally get a little healthy, they can finally start shutting up all the naysayers tonight. Onto the picks!

COLTS AT RAVENS (-16.5)
Stone: Colts

Slumdeezy: Ravens

Rory: Ravens
BASKETBALL IS BACK!

DP Animal: Colts

Phanatic: Colts
I actually kind of sort of think maybe slash want it to be their week this week.  Or if not I hope they at least beat the spread.

TEXANS AT BENGALS (-2.5)
Stone: Texans
The Bengals haven’t had a good game in four weeks.

Slumdeezy: Texans

Rory: Bengals

DP Animal: Bengals

Phanatic: Bengals

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S.H.I.T.: Browns-Steelers

Posted: December 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, Cleveland Browns, football, NFL, Pittsburgh Steelers, S.H.I.T.
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The NFL’s Thursday night schedule is the gift that keeps on giving, especially if you like double-digit point spreads and teams that have no shot to make the playoffs. This week is no different as the Browns visit their friends from Pittsburgh in sub-zero conditions. Of course, the question on everybody’s mind is whether the Browns will score any touchdowns this week. If Peyton Hillis doesn’t pull his hamstring getting off the team bus, I don’t think it’s completely out of the question. With that said, factoring in the weather, the Steelers’ inconsistency on offense, and the fact that this is a rivalry game, it should be pretty close. And by close I mean a 12-point Steelers win and a Browns cover. Here’s the rest of the picks for tonight’s game:

BROWNS AT STEELERS (-13.5)
Stone: Browns
Slumdeezy: Steelers
Rory: Steelers
DP Animal: Steelers
Phanatic: Steelers

CURRENT RECORDS
Rory: 106-80
Stone: 106-80
Slumdeezy: 99-87
DP Animal: 91-95
Phanatic: 89-97

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