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It’s almost time for the NBA Playoffs, which is my favorite event of the year, especially now that the Knicks are back in it. What better way to celebrate than a trivia question? Answer is after the jump.
Which NBA franchise has gone the longest without winning the NBA Championship?
Answer: Sacramento Kings. They last won the title in 1951 as the Rochester Royals. Of course, it was against the Knicks. FML.
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Neil Strauss has a new book coming out called Everyone Loves You When You’re Dead, in which he reveals private moments of the celebrity interview subjects he’s had over the years. There promises to be a ton of juicy secrets and I already can’t wait to see what he writes about Marilyn Manson, Snoop Dogg, and Lady Gaga. However, the buzz so far is all about Paris Hilton. Strauss met her in LA as an 18-year-old. She bragged about performing a lesbian sex show for some lucky dude named Artie the night before and having implants when she was 14, then proceeded to take some E, make out with Bud Bundy, show disdain for black people, and have a threeway. Sounds like a typical night for the Stoner.
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Facing an 11-point deficit heading into the Sweet 16, Duke was my last shot at beating CurlySue in our March Madness Battle of the Sexes. With a impressive first half and six-point lead over Arizona at halftime, I thought Duke had me well on my way to redemption and started watching The Office on my DVR. Michael finally proposed to Holly, but then I turned back to the game and the Blue Devils were down by double-digits en route to a 93-77 loss.
I always pick Duke to lose in the second round and then last year they went all the way. Naturally, I picked them to go to the title game this time around and they bomb out. That wouldn’t be so bad because I hate Duke and all its entitled bandwagon fans but of course, they were my last vestige of hope against the scourge of a sweetheart named CurlySue. So yes, before the Elite Eight even began, I was defeated by a chick who thinks a lane violation is cause for a traffic ticket. Coach K, baby, have fun recruiting tall white kids this summer but call me next year and I’ll let you know if you should over or underachieve. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
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If Jesus wasn’t resurrected, he’d be spinning in his grave after seeing this. Crystal Deans (stage name?) hated being a stripper but loved pole dancing, so she quit her job to give pole dancing lessons. Since she’s a good Christian, she offers free classes every second Sunday of the month for churchgoers who bring their programs from mass. Instead of Def Leppard and Mötley Crüe, the class dances to contemporary Christian rock, which is great because Scott Stapp loves strippers and I’m sure the guys in Creed have a lot of time in their schedule to do a live performance.
Every Monday at Crunch, there used to be a pole dancing class. I hate stretching, but I was always right outside that studio watching and stretching (every once in a while) for 30 or 40 minutes. I credit my flexibility to that class.
Pole dancing for Jesus is a weird connection but still a lot less offensive than Madonna’s Like A Prayer video. Plus, I really can’t badmouth anything that encourage girls to get on the pole. Win!
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Star Jones released a novel this week called Satan’s Sisters about a group of ladies that host a daytime talk show. I’ve always encouraged literacy but if I ever see somebody reading this on the subway, I’m going to slap them in the face. I tried to read the first few pages but couldn’t make it past the dedication without almost vomiting. “This book is gratefully dedicated to those who sometimes choose the latter.” Awful. Also, in doing my hours and hours of research, I found out that Star Jones’s Twitter handle is @StarJonesEsq, which makes me even angrier. There’s only one thing that’ll make me happy:
Hey Star, What aisle can I find the cottage cheese in?
OK, now I feel better.
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The NFL moved made several rules changes this week, including moving kickoffs up five yards to the 25-yard line. It was explained that this was to minimize the chance of injury with more touchbacks and players not being able to attain the same velocity before meeting the opposing team. Fair enough. Kevin Everett was paralyzed during a kickoff three years ago and the NFL is trying to focus more on player safety.
What is surprising to me is the outcry that resulted. Sorry, Devin Hester and Josh Cribbs. You parlayed your speed into million-dollar contracts when you play almost a tenth of the time as everyone else. Stop complaining and start practicing catching balls.
The genius Lovie Smith lamented the loss, saying that kickoffs are the most exciting play in football. What an overstatement. You know what I usually call kickoffs? Bathroom breaks. I’d rather watch Eli throw a bomb to Hakeem Nicks or lead a two-minute drill down the field. Maybe it’s the fact that the Giants haven’t had a kick returner of note for a while. Or maybe it’s just that the teams that rely on their kick returner for points are shitty teams that can’t put together a decent offensive series. Whatever the case, I won’t be crying for kick returns, and if it means less injuries without severely pussifying the game, I’m all for it.
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Amber Lancaster plays Jenny on The Hard Times of RJ Berger, possibly the most underrated show on TV. I’d watch any show Amber was on even if it was a piece of garbage, but RJ Berger actually delivers. Its second season premiere is tonight on MTV so there’s no time like now to hop on the bandwagon. The show follows nerd RJ Berger and his best friend Miles as they navigate life at Pinkerton High School. RJ, however, is a sweet guy blessed with a tremendous gift: a donkey dick. The show is funny and the writing is smart. The characters actually talk like normal human beings. It’s not just gags and puns for 30 minutes. Plus, there’s Amber. If only I was six inches bigger. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
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With a 50-39 lead in our March Madness challenge, CurlySue has been taunting my manhood relentlessly. Little does she know that this is all part of my master plan. Make the girl feel good about herself and then remind her she’s not as smart as a man, she’ll do anything you want. CurlySue is going to be making me mashed potatoes all summer. This is the weekend I take control. Here are the picks for the remainder of the tournament:
Elite Eight:
Stone: Ohio St., North Carolina, Duke, UConn, Kansas, Notre Dame,Wisconsin, UCLA
CurlySue: Ohio St., North Carolina, Arizona, UConn, Kansas, Purdue, Pitt, Florida
Final Four:
Stone: Ohio St., Duke, Notre Dame, UCLA
CurlySue: Ohio St., UConn, Kansas, Pitt
Championship:
Stone: Notre Dame def. Duke—136 points
CurlySue: Kansas def. Ohio St.—123 points
If I lose, it’s going to be so embarrassing. Let’s go Duke, huh?
Rainman Suite 