This happened a year ago today. How’d that turn out?
Archive for the ‘basketball’ Category
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Young Michael Jordan Was A Pimp
Posted: July 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, commercials, Michael Jordan, NBA, romanceMichael Jordan knew how to turn on the romance whether it was with a fake reporter or high school sweetheart. Plus, he apparently really liked girls with nice hair. The commercial for Gentle Treatment is just the start. In 1980, a teenaged MJ sent a love letter to a girl named Laquette (my first love’s name as well). It read:
My Dearest Laquette
How are you and your family doing, fine I hope. I am in my Adv. Chemistry class writing you a letter, so that tell you how much I care for you. I decide to write you because I felt that I made you look pretty rotten after the last night. I want to tell you that I am sorry, and hope that you except my apologie. I know that you feelings was hurt whenever I loss my necklace or had it stolen.
I was really happy when you gave me my honest coin money that I won off the bet. I want to thank you for letting me hold your annual. I show it to everyone at school. Everyone think you are a very pretty young lady and I had to agree because it is very true. Please don’t let this go to your head. (smile) I sorry to say that I can’t go to the game on my birthday because my father is taking the whole basketball team out to eat on my birthday. Please don’t be mad because I am trying get down there a week from Feb. 14. If I do get the chance to come please have some activity for us to do together.
I want you to know that my feeling for you has not change yet. ← (joke) I am finally getting use to going with a girl much smaller than I. I hope you my hint. Well I have spent my time very wisely by write to you. I hope you write back soon. Well I must go, the period is almost over. See you next time around, which I hope comes soon.
With my Best Love
Michael J. Jordan
Wow. “Please have some activity for us to do together.” Kid wants some nook. It also appears that he’s not from the United States and was presumably born in some Asian country. That may explain why he’s in advanced chemistry class when he can barely write. Sorry, Mike. I hope you accept my apologie.
Jabroni of the Week: David Stern
Posted: July 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, David Stern, jabronis, NBA, NBA lockout
The NBA officially locked out its players, joining the NFL in a labor stoppage. However unlike the NFL, several NBA teams are in serious financial trouble. Whereas the NFL is trying to figure out how to split the pie, the NBA barely has one. This isn’t entirely Commissioner Stern’s fault. In fact, it’s not really his fault as much as the owners who gave too much to the players during the last two labor agreements and then continued to spend their money in a stupid way. Who wants to give Gilbert Arenas $100 mil? Did I mention he has one knee?
At the same time, Stern finds himself in the middle of everything. He works for the owners but he also has to work with the players. The players say they will not budge on giving up guaranteed contracts. It’s their right but it’s their responsibility to show up ready to play. Shaq looked like a hot air balloon out there this season.
Really, everyone is to blame for the mess. And it is a huge mess. Small-market teams can’t afford to compete with New York, LA, and Chicago unless they want to lose tens of millions of dollars a year. And yet, the NBA doesn’t have a system in place to help the Milwaukees of the world keep up with a team like Miami that can print money. The players will argue that they shouldn’t give up their share of the cash when most teams lose money at the expense of the others. Why shouldn’t the owners help each other before asking the players to sacrifice their incomes?
All of this falls at the feet of Commissioner Stern. He has to worry about the owners, the players, and the fans. He has to keep everyone happy while they get hit in the wallet. Never an easy task. In a perfect world, the players would take a salary rollback. The owners would let the players have guaranteed contracts up to three years and soften their stand on having a hard salary cap. Then they could all have a giant orgy on a pile of dollar bills, Scrooge McDuck-style. That’s not going to happen.
Commish, baby, the owners are being opaque about their financials and the players understandably don’t want to take a pay cut. It’s human nature. However, the NBA is coming off its greatest season in over 15 years. There’s more stars and storylines than ever. If this lockout runs into the regular season, the league is going to lose a ton of momentum and the financial situation may even get worse. You know this. You’re a very smart guy, but you’re not a miracle worker. You may have to be. Don’t let this drag out until November. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Jabroni of the Week: Metta World Peace
Posted: June 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, jabronis, Metta World Peace, NBA
Metta World Peace is a crazy motherfucker. Not only was he responsible for the biggest black eye in NBA history with the brawl in Detroit and his player profile on HoopsHype includes the line, “Goes very crazy very often,” but now he thinks he’s going to change the world. World Peace was originally going to go with Mr. One Love but obviously Metta World Peace would have a greater impact on the world. It didn’t work for World B. Free and it’s not going to work for World Peace.
Athletes need to learn their place in the world. There’s a select few that can change attitudes and trends around the world. Jordan was one of them. Not Metta World Peace. Sure, he won the Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award and there’s a lockout coming up. Peace on Earth is a nice goal, but maybe volunteering with some kids in South Central or Queensbridge would be a little easier considering that World Peace should be training after getting swept by Dallas in the playoffs. I can see Kim Jong Il getting ready to launch some nukes when all of a sudden he thinks about World Peace’s crazy 3-pointer in Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals and reconsiders. Actually, maybe World Peace would stop that psycho.
Metta, baby, I know your name means happiness and your intentions are pure, but I just don’t know how much of this craziness I can take. Every time I hear something new about you I think it’s fake. It’s not. You’re falling of the face of the world, the very world you are trying to save. You’ve come a long way since you were punching fat white trash in Detroit. It’s possible you went too far. Then again, at least you’re trying to help world peace, World Peace. Try giving Kim Jong Il a call. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Throw It Down, Big Man!
Posted: June 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Jan Vesely, NBA, NBA DraftJan Vesely was drafted sixth by the Washington Wizards tonight. Instead of crying, kissing his mom, or celebrating with his buddies, he did something much better. He got some lovin’ from a very tall blonde. Hopefully, he can score like that on the court.
Noooooooooooooooo! Shaq Sex Tape
Posted: June 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, sex tape, Shaq
The lovable scamp and now-retired basketball player Shaquille O’Neal was recently questioned in a case involving the beating and kidnapping of a man by some gang members. Now the reason why is becoming more clear. Robert Ross says he was kidnapped by seven Main Street Crip members [disclosure: the author is a member of the Main Street Crips] who demanded a videotape. This was after Ross informed Shaq during a dispute over a music deal that his home security system recorded the big fella tapping a young lady that wasn’t his wife. Shaq hasn’t been charged and Ross is now saying that the tape had been recorded over. Nevertheless, there may be a Shaq sex tape out there floating around so be careful if you find an unmarked VHS cassette. Personally, I’d rather watch Chyna’s tape. No word yet on whether Kobe spilled the beans to the police.
Trivia Time: NBA Draft Edition
Posted: June 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, NBA Draft, trivia
The NBA Draft is one of my favorite events every year. The childhood dreams coming true. The pageantry. The awkward handshakes. Well, at least it’s exciting for the first 20 minutes until I don’t know any of the players that are left. The first NBA Draft was held in 1947. It was so long ago that it wasn’t even called the NBA yet, it was the BAA, and Kobe Bryant was still 60 years away from raping chicks. Such legends such as Bulbs Ehlers, Chink Crossin, and Elmer Gainer were selected in that draft. That brings us to our Question of the Week. It’s a tough one. If you get it right, you get a handshake from Commissioner Stern. The answer, as always, is after the jump.
Who was the first ever NBA draft pick? (and a hint: it is not Jason Kidd)
Looks like Queen James couldn’t handle the pressure of playing in front of all those rabid fans in South Beach, so he’s taking his talents somewhere a bit more accommodating. Here’s wishing LeBron all the luck in the world in the WNBA!
Classic Video of the Week: That’s My Wife
Posted: June 15, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Michael Jordan, NBA, NBA Finals, videosAfter winning his first Championship in 1991, an emotional Michael Jordan is interviewed by Bob Costas. Jordan’s wife, Juanita, probably should have taken her hat off. Awkward. Costas plays it like a pro, though.
Queen James Is Darth Vader
Posted: June 14, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, comeuppance, NBA, NBA Finals, Queen James
“You were the chosen one…”
It’s so simple. LeBron isn’t evil. He’s just tragic; he’s lost. Even as you’re rooting against him, you almost feel sorry for him. Almost.
Both LeBron and Vader grew up without fathers and endured fairly traumatic childhoods. With unparalleled potential, each was coddled in their training and was expected to be the most powerful person in their respective field, restoring it to former glory and even greater heights. However, neither was prepared to handle the early failures that every person must endure on the way to finding themselves. You could see the signs but wanted to ignore it. Arrogance. Envy. Pride.
Then came the betrayal—Anakin leaving the Jedi and joining the Sith under the Dark Lord Darth Sidious, LeBron leaving Cleveland and joining the Heat under the Dark Lord Pat Riley. In each case, their conflicted emotions were manipulated against them. Their new Dark Lords promised them greater power and grandeur than they could ever imagine but Anakin and LeBron were not prepared for the backlash.
Surely, Padme would want Anakin to rule the galaxy and the fans would want to see a Miami dynasty. But now with their hearts and minds corrupted, their flaws were exposed and ultimately they were defeated by Europeans with flesh-colored beards.
When LeBron lost to Obi-Wan Nowitzki, it was sad. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Had he had a more confident personality or better support system, maybe this all wouldn’t have happened. If he had remained in Cleveland or even come to New York, he would have been a conquering hero.
Instead LeBron took the easy way out but nobody followed him to South Beach, where the failure burns almost as hot as Mustafar. He still has his crew in Wade, Bosh, and Riley, but little else. LeBron wanted to be a Global Icon and now he is. He represents nearly everything that is wrong with this generation: trying to win without putting in the effort, lacking confidence in yourself, and pursuing fame and glamour above all else.
In the end, we learned that Vader still had some good in him as he helped destroy Sidious and the Empire. The prophesy was correct and balance was restored to the Force. Despite the negativity surrounding LeBron, his Decision piqued interest in basketball and the ratings for the Finals were the highest in years. Not counting the impending labor issues, the NBA is in the best shape it has been since Michael Jordan was in the league. LeBron has a lot to do with it.
Every story needs a villain. In recent years as the NBA has been trying to push a squeaky clean image with dress codes and T’s the moment a player looks at a ref funny, there haven’t been too many villains. Maybe this is LeBron fulfilling his destiny to bring the NBA back to glory and relevance. All I know is I can’t wait for next season.
Rainman Suite 