Raul Ibanez, baby! That’s two in a row against the Red Sox phor my Phightin’ Phils. I was so excited I took my new girlfriend out phor some cheesesteaks and cookies after the game. She had a little trouble eating all of them due to the phact that she doesn’t have a neck so I punched somebody in the phace instead. Go Phils! Let’s get the broom out!
It’s never easy when two teams you hate play each other. When the Heat and Celtics played in the playoffs, I was rooting for torn ACL’s. Now that’s it’s interleague time in baseball we get some crazy matchups. Yankees vs. Brewers? What is this? 1992? Nothing is more confusing to me than this Red Sox vs. Phillies series, though. One team has ugly and obnoxious fans that wear pink hats and the other team has ugly and obnoxious fans that are morbidly obese. It’s like asking me whether I want to spend the night with George Clooney or Matt Damon.
But the Sox are in our division so just for a few days, I’m gonna be a true Philadelphian. I’m gonna stuff my face with cheesesteaks, get into unruly fights, vomit on children, and hook up with the ugliest girls I can find. Britt and Garett Reid would be proud. LET’S GO PHILLIES BABY!
Well, it looks like the classy Boston Bruins are having a gay old time since they won the Stanley Cup. On Saturday, the team went to Foxwoods (for the wonder of it all) and spent over $150,000 at the Shrine nightclub. When some people get drunk, they lose their cell phones. Just ask CurlySue. When the Bruins get drunk, they lose their MVP goaltender Tim Thomas. Thomas missed the team bus the next morning as it was leaving to go to Fenway Park so the team could throw out the first pitch.
Apparently, either nobody did a head count or a neighbor’s goalie got on the bus to rifle through everybody’s luggage and was counted in his place. Hey, it happened in Home Alone. Or Thomas was having an orgy and nobody wanted to bother him. Girls go wild for the Conn Smythe Trophy. Just ask Brian Leetch. You would think somebody would wonder where the guy was that shut out the other team in Game 7 to basically win the Cup. Thomas ended up getting a ride to Fenway with one of the owners of the club. Not a good way to start the Cup defense, fellas.
It’s time to finally, finally end hockey season. I’m coming to you live from the Rainman Suite with Charlie Sheen, Jenna Haze, Lanny Barby, Tiffany Taylor, Alexis Texas, and briefcase full of cocaine. OK, actually I have a belly fully full of Chinese food and a six-pack of Labatts. This game is huge. Neither team has won the Stanley Cup in nearly 40 years and Vancouver has never won it. Also, the last time they lost a Finals Game 7, there was a massive riot. As John Davidson would say, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh baby!” GAME 7!
8:02-We see the Stanley Cup make its grand entrance into the arena in a silver SUV. You’d think it’d be rolling in a Hummer limo or something.
8:03-Dan Patrick is hosting the pregame show because……………
8:04-Pierre McGuire interviews Patrice Bergeron who has a massive playoff beard. Yet another reason to love hockey. Playoff beards.
8:06-A Boston fan told Dan Patrick, “We didn’t lose to the British, and we’re not losing to British Columbia.” Those Bostonians are so clever.
The Vancouver Canucks and Boston Bruins have each gone almost 40 years without hoisting the Stanley Cup. In Vancouver’s case, the franchise has never won it. Both teams have passionate fans and recent playoff disappointment despite regular season success, and have finally managed to get over the hump to reach the Finals. Unfortunately, only one team will walk away with the Ultimate Prize and all the tail and debauchery you can imagine while the other gets a summer of heartbreak and despair.
The Canucks rode high all season. The Presidents’ Trophy winners have the reigning MVP in Henrik Sedin and a finalist for this year’s award in his twin brother Daniel. These guys have ESP like Bill Cosby in Ghost Dad. How the Bruins defense, led by Zdeno Chara, handles them will play a large role in the outcome of the series. The Canucks also have Ryan Kesler playing at a high level and Roberto Luongo mixes brilliance with incompetence in net. It will be interesting to see how the team handles itself if things don’t go well, considering the magnitude of the games for the city of Vancouver and Canada in general.
Although the Bruins won the Northeast Division, they were overlooked as contenders until recently. Goalie Tim Thomas has played great all year and has the ability to win games by himself. If the Bruins’ power play stays dormant, he may have to. The B’s have overcome adversity all season, recovering from their collapse in last year’s playoffs and winning two Game 7’s. They will not be scared of the Canucks and the most explosive offense in hockey. That does not mean the Bruins can stop them. Tim Thomas is going to have to play like a motherfucker.
Canucks in 5
Game 7 of the NHL Eastern Conference Finals is tonight. I have three words for you.
Wow. Even if Eli Manning won three Super Bowls, I don’t think I could take him seriously if a picture like this came out. I think it’s just a matter of Brady being too famous for his own good and thinking he can do anything without looking like an idiot. It started with the hair. Now this. Pretty soon, he’s going to be wearing a pink tutu on the sidelines. I don’t see how anyone in Boston can defend this. At least he was with Gisele, but I still think he’d have be better off going down the slide like a man and chilling with Rosie O’Donnell than looking like a 12-year-old girl with Gisele.
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Celtics 113, Knicks 96
Celtics lead series 3-0
They overwhelmed us from the opening tip. Swallowed us whole. This is what I was worried about from the beginning of the series. The Knicks looked they were trying too hard. They were slow to adjust and rotate on D. Pierce and Allen were hitting their shots. The Celtics were getting every call and bounce but the Knicks didn’t do anything to change that. They didn’t handle the pressure of hosting their first playoff game in seven years very well. It’s disappointing because I was hoping they would come out and crack some heads, but everyone looked tight. The ball was being forced to Amar’e early on and he was pressing a little too much, but he must be hurting. Nobody handled the situation well. Nobody stepped up and took charge. Maybe not having a veteran like Chauncey out there hurt. The only excuse I can offer is that the officiating was poor but that’s not a good excuse. I’m not giving up hope on the series. The Knicks have to play with pride on Sunday and match their intensity of the first two games. If they keep the open shots to a minimum, get to every loose ball, and catch a few breaks, they should have a chance…with or without Chauncey and Amar’e.
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Celtics 96, Knicks 93
Celtics lead series 2-0
That was another heartbreaker. It hurts more than the first game because they really shouldn’t have been hanging around without Big Shot and Amar’e. Jeffries didn’t make the best move ever on the final play but what do you expect from him? If anything, my big criticism is why is Roger Mason in the game? He did make a big 3 but Landry Fields was playing OK and isn’t afraid to put the ball on the floor out there. The Knicks played valiantly. Carmelo was awesome, not only scoring but rebounding, playing D, and getting his teammates involved. Rondo created some problems and the big guys need to help out better although that does leave some of the perimeter guys open. Besides that, the defense has been really good. The guys are shifting and contesting every shot. If the team was healthy, I’d predict a big Game 3 but I’m afraid especially with Amar’e hurt. I liked the way Toney ran the team. It was quick and upbeat but he needs to stay out of foul trouble. Still, you miss Big Shot’s experience. The crowd is going to need to come up huge for Game 3.
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The Knicks probably should have won that game. Overall, I thought they played really well. They were composed. Everyone contributed. Heck, even Ronny Turiaf made a couple of baskets. It’s all for naught, though. They couldn’t execute in the last few minutes. Chauncey Big Shot’s injury was a killer. Hopefully, he’ll be back for Game 2, but not having him out there for the last play was tough. The team looked lost out there. Obviously, the offensive foul call against Carmelo was horrendous but there’s nothing you could do about it. Coach D used up all his timeouts again and it really hurt on the last possession. The final shot wasn’t great but Melo is the guy that’s going to take it. He should have taken it earlier to make it easier for a putback. I have no problem with a 3 instead of a 2 because you might as well go for the win instead of having to go for a win in OT on the road. Amar’e played great and was fearless taking the ball to the hole. He made KG look bad. The defense was really solid. Everyone was quick to move around. Turiaf was great especially. He’s really underrated. I would love it if he could give 30 minutes a game.
The jitters should be out of everyone’s system now and it’s clear that these two teams are pretty evenly matched. Today was a tough loss but nobody should hang their head.
Rainman Suite 