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As soon as the papers go through, I am adopting this child. His dad ranks up there with Marvin Gay, Sr. and the guy in the Mamas & the Papas who had sex with his daughter. By the way, the Red Sox are 0-3.
>Keith Stone Is Gonna Be A Daddy!
Posted: April 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in BOSTON SUCKS, Sox, Yankees0
>Shove It Up Your Knickhole
Posted: April 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in Isiah, JD and the Straight Shot, Knicks, Nets, rants>
The dominant headline of this NBA season has clearly been the Miami Heat. They have become the team people love to hate, as articles about them crying generate more attention than the actual game. However, I would not mind seeing the Miami Cheat taking home the title. Nor would I mind the Los Angeles Fakers, nor the Boston…um…let’s go with Smelltics
Why?
Because that means that the Knicks didn’t win.
When it comes to local sports team rivalries, the animosity between Nets and Knicks fans is quite bizarre. Reasonably, these two fanbases have little reason to hate each other. They’ve played in two first round playoff series in 35 years. When one team was up, the other team was down – they basically switch roles every decade. I can’t even recall one game you would call “classic” between the two franchises. So why the insults, the chest-thumping, the vile-spewing, and the all-in-all non-well-wishingness?
Basically, the New York sports landscape is shaped by the big brother/little brother relationship. The Yankees and the Mets. The Giants and the Jets. Unfortunately, this also extends to the Knicks and the Nets. However, the Knicks have been the Cooper Manning of older brothers. Since the Nets entered the NBA, the Knicks have won two Eastern Conference titles, and three division titles, while the Nets have two Eastern Conference titles as well, but four division titles. Granted, the Knicks won two NBA titles, but they were during a time when the NBA talent level was diluted by the ABA, where, interestingly enough, the Nets won two championships as well. Granted, I’ll admit the Knicks did have many more memorable playoff series in their 90’s run than the Nets had in the 00’s, but I can pride myself as a Nets fan to say that they never lost a series in which they had homecourt advantage.
So where does this “big brother” attitude come from? The Yankees and the Giants dominate their respective little siblings in titles; their fanbases have earned their arrogance and cockiness. Unless the prerequisite for being the “little brother” is that your team name ends in “-ets”, there is little distinguishing the two teams.
That’s is the main crux of my Knicks hate-itude – a completely undeserved bravado, a false sense being one of the NBA’s storied franchises, a fucktastic douchebagicity. However, as I may be bombarded after this post by Knicks fans wearing Carmelo Anthony jerseys they hastily made with the number “15” because they aren’t true fans who know their own franchise’s history, let me get a few more shots in.
I’ve heard Bill Simmons comment a few time that Knicks fans are the “smartest basketball fans.” Sure. The most objective Knicks fan I found ranks John Starks as one of the top 10 players of all time, rather than the top 5. And to watch them defend Patrick Ewing’s career is like hearing a six-year-old explain how Santa Claus delivers presents all over the world in one night.
I also freely admit that the Continental Arena/Izod Center is the dumpiest place on Earth, and Madison Square Garden is a legendary arena. However, let’s be honest – it is not known for great Knicks performances. When you think of MSG, you think of other team’s players destroying the Knicks – Reggie Miller, Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, LeBron James. To me, it looks like there is a homecourt disadvantage when playing in the Garden. That must be why the Knicks are struggling so much at the end of this season (either that or they suck).
But, it isn’t all hate. I love Clyde Frazier’s vocabulary. I love JD & the Straight Shot. But most of all, I love Isiah Thomas. For four and a half glorious years, he brought me some of the greatest stories and highlights in sports history (and partially distracted me from the terrible job Rod Thorn was doing). And it looks like Isiah will be back for more. This season has been a dark cloud for Knicks-haters, but fear not – Isiah is our silver lining.
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The Knicks clinched their first playoff spot in seven years last night, and as unbelievable as it seems that the Knicks could miss the playoffs for six years in a row, I’m really happy and really proud of this team. It’s not the ultimate goal, but it’s the first step and I’m going to celebrate. Everyone deserves some credit from Donnie Walsh and Mike D’Antoni to Amar’e for taking the first step in making the team relevant again to the guys who were shipped to Denver. I’m excited to able to watch playoff basketball in the Garden again.
However, there’s always somebody who wants to rain on your parade. My friend Rory is from New Jersey and is one of 12 New Jersey (soon to be Brooklyn) Nets fans. He thinks everything about the Knickerbockers is overblown and has been sitting in the emptiness of Continental Arena for years stewing. His story is coming up.
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The Suite hasn’t been showing a lot of love to hockey but that’s about to change. Playoff hockey is awesome and I can’t wait for it to start next week. That leads us to our question. If you get it right, I’ll buy you a shot at Continental on 3rd Ave. Five shots for $5 hollllllllllla. Answer is after the jump.
Who was the last NHL player to play without a helmet? (and a hint: it was not Ron Duguay although it’s almost a crime to make him play with a helmet. Look at that flowing hair!)
Answer: Craig MacTavish—He retired in 1997. The NHL now requires all players to wear a helmet.
>Beached Whale Spotted at TD Garden
Posted: April 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in BOSTON SUCKS, Celtics, Shaq>
Shaq returned from a two-month absence caused by a sore right Achilles yesterday. He lasted less than six minutes before leaving with a sore right calf. Good luck in the playoffs with Nenad, Boston!
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Finally, the Rock came back to Wrestlemania…and it wasn’t that great. The Rock himself was good. I enjoyed his intro and subsequent promos. I guess I was just expecting more. I wanted Rock overdose and I only got a hit, not counting his presence in the main event.
The undercard was up-and-down. I liked the Edge/Del Rio match but it was a little too short and never gained momentum. Mysterio/Rhodes and Punk/Orton were good matches with cool moves but I really didn’t care about either of them. Oh no, Cody Rhodes thinks he’s disfigured. Who cares? The eight-man tag was lame and lasted about 12 seconds. What a waste. The show must have been running long and the Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan match never took place, which I was looking forward to.
Unfortunately, instead of that matchup, we were treated to Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler which went waaaaaaaaaay to long. Sure, it was nice to see the King put Cole into an ankle lock, but it was such a slow paced match. Couldn’t this have been on a Raw? Luckily, with Cole out commission, we got a JR-King reunion, which was one of the highlights of the show.
I was actually really impressed by Snooki (and Trish Stratus’s ass). It was another short match but it was legit. I was proud of Snooks with the finishing move.
Undertaker/Triple H was the match of the night. I liked that they went outside the ring and neither could finish the other off. Just when it seemed like H might end the streak, the Undertaker stole the win. It was the rare match in which the ending was in question.
And then there was The Miz vs. John Cena. It was a decent if unspectacular match and you knew the Rock would be involved somehow. It was just disappointing that the Rock played such a large role. You know he’s going to affect the match, but I didn’t want him to win it for the Miz. Then, for good measure, he lays the Miz out. Yeah, it was awesome but what was the point? Why would you want your champion and #1 attraction to get beat down by a guy who hasn’t wrestled in seven years on your biggest stage? There was no closure. A good Wrestlemania should have finality and tie up all the loose ends in a storyline that has been building for months. This one did not.
>Melo Dominates Cleveland, Tom Hanks
Posted: April 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in Knicks, Melo, Saturday Night Live>
Carmelo Anthony had a big weekend. He helped lead the Knicks to their first playoff berth since 2004 with a double-digit win over Cleveland and also did a little acting with a portrayal of female shotputter Carmela St. Knix on Saturday Night Live. Although he didn’t have many lines, Melo appeared in two sketches and I thought outshone a cameoing Tom Hanks. OK, maybe not but he was better than Shaq in Kazaam. Catch the clips here and here.
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AMC announced earlier this week that it is bringing back Mad Men, the best show on TV, for a fifth season. However, it still hadn’t reached an agreement with show head Matthew Weiner. For four seasons, Mad Men has been an amazing, groundbreaking television experience with rich characters and storylines. Mad Men took AMC from a channel that replayed Halloween 5 and Superman III on a constant basis to one that was known for its quality content and paved the way for other award-winning shows like Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead.
That’s why it was so curious that the announcement for Mad Men came without Weiner. Weiner wanted a large salary but conflicts arose around the show’s length and budget. AMC wanted to add more commercials and product placement while cutting two regular cast members.
Mad Men and Matthew Weiner are the slutty bartender of AMC. They are the channel’s cornerstones. Why would you pull such a hard-line stance against them and try to change something that has worked so perfectly in the past? Maybe the show isn’t making as much money as it could but it’s genius. Who cares how much money it took Leonardo da Vinci to paint the Mona Lisa? It’s a work of art and a whole lot better than low-rent movie sequels.
Eventually, Weiner and AMC came to a deal. Mad Men will return in January and run for three more seasons. The show will be cut by two minutes but extended versions of episodes will be available on DVD. Product placement and cast changes will be done on a need-basis. A fair compromise, I suppose, although one of the strengths of Mad Men was its lack of interruptions.
AMC, baby, why would you try to kill the golden goose? You should have given Matthew Weiner everything he wanted. You should have changed your name to the Weiner Network if he wanted. It’s a good thing he’s a pro and will continue to make an amazing show. This is another example of corporate greed and dumb executives taking for granted what they already have. You already have the Mona Lisa. Don’t give it a boob job. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
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I feel like Wrestlemania XXVII is going to be something special and the Rock isn’t just going to sit on the sidelines. How about after Cena wins the title back, he challenges Rocky for ultimate all-time supremacy? The publicity tomorrow would be enormous and The Rock does have a movie coming out. Just a hunch. Here are my predictions for the big matches:
Undertaker def. Triple H
Alberto Del Rio def. Edge (with possible Christian screwjob)
John Cena def. The Miz
The Rock def. John Cena
If I nail all four, I am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.
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Lifetime (television for women) has a movie coming out about the courtship of Prince William and Princess Bikini. This has to be first biographical movie about two people who have accomplished nothing in life. Are people actually going to watch it? Oh wow, he met her in class, took her to one of his castles, and she fell in love with him. Borrrrrrrrrrrrrrring.
The people at Spike TV need to put together a Keith Stone romance movie, in which Keith, played by Justin Long, takes his girl, played by Emma Roberts, out for pizza and some sloppy making out at Off the Wagon on MacDougal St. Then, he fails to return any of her text messages and watches basketball with his buddies the next weekend. Art imitating life, my friends. Sign me up for an Emmy.
Rainman Suite 