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My buddy Mike was featured by USA Today for his work as the University of Pittsburgh Panther. On top of being a hell of a beer pong player, he’s not to be reckoned with in a dance battle, although I was the one who taught him how to dougie. Plus, he would never foul anyone 80 feet from the basket. Unfortunately, he now has less time to chill with the cheerleaders and more time to study for midterms after Pitt was bounced from the NCAA Tournament.
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LT was sentenced to six years’ probation yesterday after pleading guilty to sexual misconduct and patronizing a prostitute. Then he went on Studio B with Shepard Smith on Fox News to talk about it. The result did not turn out well. I don’t condone LT for what he did but at the same time, how was he supposed to know the chick was 16? As he put it, he’s not going to card her. Unforgivable, however, is this interview in which he tries to defend himself. It’s a shame that nobody was around to put the kibosh on this. He needs to let the whole ordeal die down. Hopefully, LT doesn’t Charlie Sheen this and hit the media rounds.
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Unlike the real Zangief, this Kid Zangief story will not die. He was interviewed by the Australian version of A Current Affair and some genius dubbed the audio of Rick James from Chappelle’s Show on top of it. The result is magical.
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With Mr. McMahon laid up in the hospital with a busted foot, he had a few visitors come to say hello. First up, Mick Foley did his best to spread the cheer with his new friend Mr. Socko. Then, it was time to talk to the doctor.
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My friend, Phanatic, took exception to my repeated jabs at her hometown of Philadelphia. She’s the classiest girl to come out of the City of Brotherly Love since this lady, so she wrote a response in crayon on the back of a Pizza Hut kids placemat. Despite all her typos, I transcribed it the best I could below:
There is a media conspiracy in this country against Philadelphia. It’s designed to help all of the fans of other teams across the country feel better about their inadequacies. Nothing else could explain how often and how cutthroat the jabs against Philly really are. Are there drunk and disorderly assholes in New York, Boston and LA? Of course. Do you hear about them even half as often? No.
There are positives to Philly you never hear about as well. Case in point: the story about the country’s worst fans (and I’m sorry since when does GQ magazine have authority in the sports world?) was tweeted by friends of mine and made news throughout the country. What you probably don’t know is that according to the Sports Loyalty Index just released, Philadelphia Phillies fans got top bidding. Because we are loyal. And smart. And expect greatness.
Oh and one more thing – Santa Claus was drunk that day. The other Santa couldn’t make it so they pulled a drunk asshole out of the stands to play Santa for the day. You would have booed too. Spread the gospel.
Phanatic has a point. Philly fans are loyal, but I still say a higher proportion of them go to games to start trouble than any other city. New York fans, like Charlie Sheen, are obsessed with winning and that’s why we’re better than Philadelphia. And DeSean Jackson can go fuck himself.
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CurlySue somehow nailed 12 of the Sweet 16. I got 7 and my champion, Notre Dame, was eliminated. The Curly One now holds a 50-39 advantage in our competition. She cannot, however, pee while standing. Advantage: Stone.
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Sorry I was gone today. I was in Atlantic City causing trouble and blacking out with my buddy Rory, which brings us to today’s trivia question. The prize as always is the feeling of success and victory. The answer is after the jump.
In what year was gambling legalized in Atlantic City?
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Well, CurlySue takes an early 26-25 lead into Round 2. Beginner’s luck. Now, make me a sandwich. Here are the Sweet 16 picks:
Stone: OSU, WVU, Syracuse, UNC, Duke, Texas, UConn, SDSU, Kansas, Louisville, Purdue, Notre Dame, Pitt, Wisconsin, Gonzaga, UCLA
CurlySue: OSU, WVU, Xavier, UNC, Duke, Arizona, UConn, SDSU, Kansas, Richmond, Purdue, Florida St., Pitt, Wisconsin, BYU, Florida
Who’s excited for the white-out tomorrow? Brigham Young vs. Gonzaga! Is it snowing? Even I could play in that game. Actually, no. No, I couldn’t.
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It was a rough week for Sitch. First, he bombed at Donald Trump’s roast. I was actually impressed by his performance. He had poise even in the face of a hostile audience that was booing him. The problem was that his jokes were lame. Half of them didn’t have punchlines. Don’t say that Whitney Cummings is like the girls you used to smoosh before you got famous. Whitney is cool. Plus, she’s actually funny. Assuming Sitch didn’t write his own jokes, he’s either an idiot for not reading them over beforehand and realizing that they suck, or having management that wasn’t on top of it from Day 1. If this kid is going to cross into the mainstream like he wants to, it was a terrible first step.
Then, on this week’s episode of Ronnie Loves Sammi, The Situation told Ronnie’s mom (who’s a lush on the level of Kathie Lee Gifford) all about Sammi’s dalliance with Lou Ferrigno. You can spread shit with the roommates all you want, but you can’t be spreading shit with your bro’s mom, especially when she’s off the reservation. The Situation might be looking out for Ronnie and it does seems like there’s more between Sammi and the Hulk than meets the eye, but he went too far.
Mikey, baby, you can be a Star. I really think so. Yeah, probably not a movie star, but on the level of a likable pop icon like Mario Lopez. The important part is remaining likable. I know you’re a smarter guy than it appears but you really have to be on guard at all times.
There are so many people that are rooting against you and will destroy you after your first mistake. Luckily, the Trump roast wasn’t a huge showcase, but if you nailed it, it would have been a big boost. Find somebody smart to watch your back. I’d volunteer my services but I’m busy with Charlie. Wisen up, buddy, or you’re going to be back to smooshing grenades in a minute. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Rainman Suite 