Rainman Suite

It’s WEEK 5 and our lines have shrunk like LeAnn Rimes. Maybe it’s fortuitous scheduling or parity, but this week you just have to go with your gut. For the most part, stick to the teams you like and don’t get too fancy and worry about the points. In sad news, Rodave was ironically crushed to death by a marshmallow truck. Luckily, his twin brother Slumdeezy has taken his place and since they’re twins, they know everything about each other! And no I didn’t steal this idea from Beerfest. Onto the picks:

CHIEFS AT COLTS (-2.5)
Stone: Chiefs
I think I just peed my pants.

Slumdeezy: Colts

Rory: Chiefs
Bill Walton predicted that this will be the greatest human football game ever performed on Earth by humans.

DP Animal: Colts

Phanatic: Chiefs

CARDINALS AT VIKINGS (-2.5)
Stone: Cardinals

Slumdeezy: Vikings

Rory: Cardinals
As explained last week, I’m semi-rooting for the Cardinals this season because of my girlfriend.  I’ll tell you, I’ve followed the Nets for over 15 years, and I’ve followed the Cardinals for four weeks – it’s much tougher being a Cardinals fan.

DP Animal: Vikings

Phanatic: Vikings
Due for a win, I guess.

(more…)

This is the time in the NFL season to really take advantage of the lines. If you’re smart enough to figure out which teams are good and which are bad, you can make a lot of money or get a nice lead in your picks league. Most people are idiots and still haven’t figured out that, say, the Browns aren’t very good. As a result, last week the lines were a bit high so if you took the underdogs, it would have paid off in a big way. Remember: if you think two teams are shity, just take the underdog if they’re getting more than a few points. Eventually, everyone will figure it out and the lines will be harder to read but you still have a few weeks.

It’s like Apple. Sure, the iPod, iTunes, and iPhone are great but it’s not so much the products themselves; it’s the fact the Apple knew where mobile technology was going and got there first. I got to where the NFL is heading first with 12 wins last week. Let’s see if I keep my first mover advantage or go the way of Blockbuster. Here’s the picks:

LIONS AT COWBOYS (-1.5)
Stone: Lions
I hope Suh sits on Romo.

Rodave: Cowboys

Rory: Lions
I never understood why they settled at half points as the fraction of choice.  They could just easily use 0.25 or 0.75.  For this game, I have Lions by +1.637.

DP Animal: Lions
Still waiting for the other shoe to fall, but Stafford and Megatron vs. that banged-up ‘Boys secondary?

Phanatic: Lions

SAINTS (-6.5) AT JAGUARS
Stone: Saints
The Saints are very good. The Jags are very bad.

Rodave: Saints

Rory: Saints

DP Animal: Saints

Phanatic: Saints

(more…)

It’s getting to the point in the season where it’s easier to figure things out. It’s like when you start college. At first, you don’t even know where the dining hall is. Next thing you know, you’re fingering a drunk sorority chick at a bar in Alphabet City. As such, our picks have been improving. And yes, the Chiefs are the drunk sorority chick. We all went over .500 last week, with Rory backing up his 9-win prediction by nailing 11 picks to set the pace for WEEK 2. The success may have gone to his head, however, as he has guaranteed to win the overall title, despite not being a football fan. I guess a kid’s gotta do something during the NBA lockout. Onto the picks:

49ERS AT BENGALS (-2.5)
Stone: 49ers
I picked the Niners to win the West. If they’re going to, this is a game they need to win.

Rodave: Bengals

Rory: 49ers

DP Animal: Bengals

Phanatic: 49ers

PATRIOTS (-8.5) AT BILLS
Stone: Bills
I’m officially on the Bills’ bandwagon, which is great because…

Rodave: Patriots

Rory: Bills
I went back and forth on this.  I think this game will be close in the “Cam Newton cheap touchdown to cover the spread against Green Bay last week” sense.

DP Animal: Bills
Figure the Pats will win, but I like the Bills to cover at home.  Biggest game in Buffalo in a few years!

Phanatic: Patriots
Sorry bills fans, they’re not for real and they’re not meant to go 3-0.

(more…)

It seemed like it would be easy to figure out. Teams that stayed together through the lockout would come out of the gate flying and defenses would rule the day as offenses struggled to jell. Instead, there were upsets aplenty and it was a near historic week for offenses. It’s kind of like when you start dating a girl. Everything is going well and you think you know what to expect. That was the preseason. Pretty soon, you find out she has night terrors and hits you while you’re sleeping. Not that it’s happened to me before. We all got slapped in the face by a sleeping girl in WEEK 1, with a combined 28-42 record and only I managed to stay above .500. Rory has guaranteed victory this week with at least nine wins, which would equal the win total of the 2011 Nets. Let’s see what lessons we learned for WEEK 2.

BEARS AT SAINTS (-6.5)
Stone: Saints
I can’t imagine the Saints starting 0-2.

Rodave: Saints

Rory: Bears

DP Animal: Saints
Last week’s showing against the Falcons was impressive for Chicago, but they’ll face a different challenge this week against a Saints team looking to put the season opener behind them.

Phanatic: Saints

CHIEFS AT LIONS (-8.5)
Stone: Lions
Detroit looks like a legit threat to make the playoffs. If Matt Stafford stays healthy, that is.

Rodave: Lions

Rory: Lions

DP Animal: Lions
Detroit’s dismantling of Tampa Bay might just be the sign of a Lions team ready to actually push for the playoffs.  Meanwhile, the Chiefs are coming off their worst home loss ever, with question marks up and down their roster.  If momentum can kick in after one week, this one looks pretty straightforward.

Phanatic: Lions

(more…)

This year, Rodave, Rory, Dinner Party Animal, Phanatic, and I will be picking every NFL game in an epic battle for bragging rights and superiority. Will Phanatic pull out the victory, or prove once and for all that chicks from Philadelphia have the mental capacity of a high-functioning orangutan? How about Rory? Jason Kidd doesn’t play football, son. Can Dinner Party Animal save the NFC West from another pathetic season? Actually, Rodave will probably win because he’s Indian and smarter than us. Or how about the Stoner himself, leveraging a picks victory into scoring one of the Jets’ slutty Flight Crew chicks?

So much is on the line! Kickoff is only a few hours away. Here are tonight’s picks followed tomorrow by the rest of WEEK 1.

SAINTS AT PACKERS (-4.5)
Stone: Packers

Rodave: Packers

Rory: Saints

DP Animal: Saints

Phanatic: Packers