Archive for the ‘Philly sucks’ Category

You Stay Classy, Philadelphia

Posted: June 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Eagles, LeSean McCoy, Phillies, Philly sucks
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It was another banner week for Philadelphia. The Phillie Phanatic tried to get this young lady to flash the crowd. When she didn’t, he put his snout down her throat. That’s assault, brotha. Apparently, it’s also the go-to move for guys in the Philadelphia area. Just watch what hole you put it in. Right, Kobe?

Then, Eagles running back LeSean McCoy decided to give his input on the Osi Umenyiora deposition. Of Osi, he tweeted, “Overrated n soft 3rd best d-line on his team honestly.” First of all, great grammar. Secondly, mind your own fucking business. If anything, hopefully this gets Osi in the mood to crush some Eagles next season (in a Giants uniform of course).

Luckily for us, some intrepid Asians summed everything up in a completely factual way that even a peon from Philadelphia could understand. That’s what they think of you in Asia, Philadelphia. Fat guys who vomit everywhere. And they’re right.

Deadspin; ESPN

>PhillieBot Bounces First Pitch, Will Replace Joe Blanton

Posted: April 24, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Phillies, Philly sucks
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When I heard that a robot was going to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game, I thought it was pretty cool. I assumed it was one of those crazy Japanese robots that can walk and fall in love and stuff. Then, I found out it was going to throw out the first pitch at a Phillies game and was named PhillieBot. My hopes were considerably lowered. PhillieBot turned out to basically be a catapault, which would have been cool if this was the Dark Ages. Somebody should have told the dorks at UPenn. It couldn’t even reach the plate. This seriously may have been the lamest thing I’ve ever seen besides all the Eagles fans who think their team is going to win the Super Bowl every year. Still better than Carl Lewis though. At least we know robots won’t be taking over the world for a while.

>In Defense of Philly

Posted: March 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in Philly sucks, the fans
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My friend, Phanatic, took exception to my repeated jabs at her hometown of Philadelphia. She’s the classiest girl to come out of the City of Brotherly Love since this lady, so she wrote a response in crayon on the back of a Pizza Hut kids placemat. Despite all her typos, I transcribed it the best I could below:

There is a media conspiracy in this country against Philadelphia.  It’s designed to help all of the fans of other teams across the country feel better about their inadequacies.  Nothing else could explain how often and how cutthroat the jabs against Philly really are.  Are there drunk and disorderly assholes in New York, Boston and LA?  Of course.  Do you hear about them even half as often?  No.

There are positives to Philly you never hear about as well.  Case in point: the story about the country’s worst fans (and I’m sorry since when does GQ magazine have authority in the sports world?) was tweeted by friends of mine and made news throughout the country.  What you probably don’t know is that according to the Sports Loyalty Index just released, Philadelphia Phillies fans got top bidding.  Because we are loyal.  And smart.  And expect greatness.

Oh and one more thing – Santa Claus was drunk that day.  The other Santa couldn’t make it so they pulled a drunk asshole out of the stands to play Santa for the day.  You would have booed too.  Spread the gospel.

Phanatic has a point. Philly fans are loyal, but I still say a higher proportion of them go to games to start trouble than any other city. New York fans, like Charlie Sheen, are obsessed with winning and that’s why we’re better than Philadelphia. And DeSean Jackson can go fuck himself.

>Philly Fans Are Worst, Also Oxygen Is Good

Posted: March 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Philly sucks, the fans
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GQ, the country’s leading sports magazine, named Philadelphia fans the worst in sports. It also named them the second worst fans in sports. More specifically, it named Eagles and Phillies fans first and second. The Suite also has Philly fans ranked first and second in ugliness, weight, and lack of intelligence. The real surprising thing about the poll is that Flyers fans weren’t ranked third. Those guys are assholes, but I guess if I went thirty-five years without a title, I’d be grouchy too. Other notables on the list were the Red Sox (sixth), Duke (eighth), and Cowboys (12th).

GQ

>Can I Get Extra Mice on that Pizza?

Posted: March 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in Philly sucks, pizza, ridiculous
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I’m not surprised that this took place in the Philadelphia area. Nickolas Galiatsatos was arrested for planting mice in two rival pizza places. He blew it by leaving a suspicious footprint on the toilet of one of them as he dropped off his furry friends in the ceiling. This is a classic case of a great plan and poor execution. Galiatsatos goes into the bathroom with a shady looking bag and then leaves a footprint? You don’t even need Ace Ventura to figure this one out. Gotta leave the bathroom the way you left it, buddy.

Fox Philadelphia

>Philadelphia Phollies

Posted: February 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in Philly sucks, traveling
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I went to Philadelphia over the weekend and it’s an interesting place.  Kind of like a Bizarro New York.  Here are my observations in bullet-form because I’m too lazy to do anything else:

  • I was on the Ben Franklin Bridge and made a perfectly legal lane change.  The guy behind me started honking his horn hysterically.  I wasn’t in Philly yet and people were already acting like idiots.
  • The parking is horrible.  I got lucky and found a space at a meter but needed to keep refilling it until 10PM.  10PM!  I could understand 8, but can’t a guy just park for free on a Friday night?
  • The garbage cans in Philadelphia are solar powered.   It’s a good thing there’s no tall buildings to block the sun.  Wait a minute…there are!  And yes, these garbage cans cost over $3,000 each.  Geniuses.
  • I never thought anything could be worse than the PATH train but I never saw the Philadelphia subway system.  There were no signs in the station I was at so I walked around a giant concourse with homeless people sleeping all over the place for about 10 minutes until I finally found the train.  Once I got on, there was a guy yelling at everyone to give him 50¢.  A cop was standing five feet away and did nothing.  At least in New York the crazy people are polite enough to recite a memorized speech with zero enthusiasm when they’re asking for money.
  • They sold the naming rights to the subway station by all the stadiums.  It’s called AT&T Station.  Is that the biggest whore move there ever was?  I know it’s a poor city, but have a little pride.   You’ll never see Union Square Station changing its name to Best Buy Station.
  • I went to the Knicks-Sixers game at the Wells Fargo Center (worst arena name ever) and was shocked at how dead the crowd was for a Friday night game against a decent opponent.  The stands were pretty full.  It was just very, very quiet.  Knicks fans were chanting “MVP” for Amar’e and “defense” when the Sixers had the ball.  The Philly fans didn’t do anything about it besides a few muffled boos.  There were half as many Knicks fans but we were making twice the noise.  I was expecting to get punched in the face the first time I chanted “defense” in my Amar’e jersey.
  • The PA announcer at the game was hilarious.  Apparently, his name is Matt Cord and he’s one of those new-school guys that has to announce every 3-pointer like he’s introducing Van Halen to get the crowd fired up.  Whenever something good happened for the Sixers, he would get so excited that he literally didn’t finish the call.  It was basically, “THADDEUS YOUNG FROM ANDRE IGOKLSJKKSJKSDJ!!!!” or “OFFENSIVE FOUL ON LANDRY FLKSDLWL!!!!”  It was like that SNL sketch when Chris Kattan would play that Southern guy that nobody could understand.  That wasn’t even the funniest part.  Whenever a call went against the Sixers, he announced it like it was the saddest thing that ever happened to him.  He sounded like Droopy Dog.  I thought he was going to start crying every time Ray Felton hit a 3.  I can’t describe how funny this was.  I miss the days when the PA guy would make straight announcements and people could tell who the foul was on.
  • Philly has got to be the white trash thug life capital of the world.  Almost every guy I saw in Philly looked like Eminem circa 1999.  Cap turned up and to the side.  Pale.  Dark circles under the eyes.  Thin little sideburns.  I’m sure if you wanted to buy some weed, there wouldn’t be a shortage of people that could sell it to you.  It’s not a surprise they liked Allen Iverson so much.
  • I was walking down the street and I heard two guys arguing about who was better: Eric Lindros or Michael Vick.  I wanted to shoot myself in the face.
  • I got a parking ticket at 9:03.  I left immediately.
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