>Marv Albert Has Bieber Fever: The Biggest Moments of NBA All-Star Weekend

Posted: February 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in all-star, NBA
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All-Star Weekend is the best. It’s an fun showcase of athleticism, dunks, and awkward celebrity encounters. Let’s take a look at the weekend’s biggest moments, shall we:

#567: OMG! Justin Bieber named Celebrity Game MVP
Despite scoring only 8 points in a losing effort, Bieber beat out Scottie Pippen, Chris Mullin, and Michael Rappaport for the game’s MVP (in text message voting determined by the fans, obviously). Bieber proved to be a decent shooter with an unorthodox sideshot and even crossed up Common. Craig Sager later interviewed Bieber during the All-Star Game. It was awkward.


#566: Team Atlanta wins Shooting Stars Competition
With Dominique Wilkins cheering passionately from the sidelines, Team Atlanta brought the trophy home. I don’t know why they still do this. It’s basically a half-court shooting contest. And yes, I would absolutely love to see a team of Landry Fields, John Starks, and [insert name of NY Liberty player here].

#412: Puff Daddy wishes Blake Griffin was in All-Star Game
On the All-Star Game red carpet (WTF?), Puffy said that he’s bummed out that Blake Griffin wasn’t in the game. Ummmmmmmmmmmm…

#335: Charles Barkley takes Allen Iverson with #1 Pick of All-Star Fantasy Draft
TNT had an interesting show where their commentators selected fantasy teams from a pool of every All-Star ever. Chuck had the first pick and was apparently getting a blowie instead of reading the rules. He picked The Answer. It was turrible. He did not win.

#291: Chris Paul misses layup in Skills Challenge
In a contest designed to test fundamentals, CP3 bricked his opening layup attempt. He did not win.

#113: Charles Barkley’s Birthday Cake

Those are Krispy Kreme donuts. The cake weighed over 200 pounds. Sir Charles ate the whole thing.

#86: The World’s Longest Handshake
Maria Menounos interviewed Stevie Wonder on the red carpet. He shook her hand for 90 seconds and ended by singing a great rendition of “Happy Birthday” to Chuck.

#69: 3-Point Shootout trophy presented by Dick Johnson
The 3-Point Shootout was a bore. James Jones outlasted Paul Pierce and Best Guy Ever Ray Allen to win. The only payoff came when Jones was presented the trophy by the immortal Dick Johnson. He was short and pale and it didn’t last very long. The presentation, I mean.

#19: Blake Griffin 360
Blake’s first dunk was a 360 with the ball behind his head. It only got better from there.

#18: Russell Westbrook tomahawk jam
The little man didn’t act so little in taking the ball all the way to the hoop for a ferocious slam.

#17: Serge Ibaka from the foul line
Air Congo dunked it in from the foul line. Not even a toe was in front of it. That’s impressive for a big man. Somehow the judges only gave him a 45. Brent Barry, eat your heart out.



#16: DeJuan Blair goes off the backboard
Blair threw down a sick alley-oop to himself during the dunk parade known as the Rookie Game. Kid’s doing pretty good for no ACL’s.

#15: East Bay Funk Remix
DeMar DeRozan paid homage to Isaiah “J.R.” Rider (or as he’s known now Inmate #872948) with a sick re-imaging of the classic through-the-legs dunk. It definitely tops The Karate Kid in terms of remakes.

#14: Amar’e!
Amar’e led the East (along with Queen James) with 29 points, including 15 in the fourth quarter, in only 28 minutes as the Knicks’ first All-Star starter since 1992. He also threw a great midair alley-oop to Dwight Howard.



#13: Dr. J gets some
JaVale McGee’s mom, Pam, came to deliver an extra ball for her son for his 3-ball dunk. To curry favor with the judges, she gave them each a kiss on each cheek. Dr. J isn’t satisfied with that. Good thing she wasn’t a newspaper reporter.

#12: More balls, more fun
With an assist from John Wall, JaVale McGee dunked three balls at the same time. Even Taylor Rain can’t claim she did that.

#11: Kobe dunks on LeBron
It looked like Kobe had an open path to the hole on the fast break, but nobody does the chasedown block like LeBron. What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object? Kobe just sneaks it in and gives LeBron a pat on the ass.

#10: Serge to the rescue
A young Asian boy loses his toy. There’s only one guy who can save it. This definitely gets bonus points for the theatrics.

#9: Kobe and Durant go back-to-back
Kobe’s reverse in traffic wasn’t bad by itself, but the CP3-KD alley-oop following it makes for a hell of a sequence.

#8: DeMar DeRozan and Darryl Dawkins in…”The Show Stopper”
DeRozan nailed a sweet reverse windmill off the bounce all with one hand. Awesome. Almost as awesome as Chocolate Thunder’s suit, which he described by saying it was kissed by 1,000 artesian princesses. Paging Bellevue…

#7: LeBron the freight train
When LeBron gets a head of steam, he is impossible to stop. He had a head of steam here. This was part of an impressive and furious comeback to cut the West lead from double-digits to 2 in the final five minutes.



#6: More baskets, more fun
McGee dunked two balls in two separate baskets for his best dunk of the night. It’s an insane effort that’s almost impossible unless you have the wingspan of 747. This got a 50 from the judges but unfortunately, McGee shot his load and didn’t have anything better for later. If he did this dunk in the final round, he may have been able to challenge for the crown. Maybe.

#5: Bill Russell honored
Bill Russell was given a standing O for being recently awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Obama. A very touching moment.

#4: Wall-Griffin bounce pass alley-oop
During the Rookie Game, John Wall bounced a alley-oop from the three-point line to Blake Griffin, who finished it off with a reverse. Not only that, but Wall did the Dougie afterward.

#3: Kobe up-and-under
Early in the game, Kobe drove baseline, started to go up, double pumped, went under the hoop, and threw it down. He’s slowed down, but Kobe dunked several times and proved he still has the ups. He was named All-Star MVP with 39 points, although he took more shots than any player on either team. The Black Mamba still managed to put on quite a show.

#2: Blake soars over car
Blake Griffin won the Slam Dunk contest with a ridiculous alley-oop over a Kia Sorrento (the official car of the NBA!) with his coach Kenny Smith preaching like Billy Graham and a gospel choir singing I Believe I Can Fly behind him. Baron Davis threw the oop from the sunroof and the rest is history. Over three days, Blake slammed alleys from John Wall, Baron Davis, and Deron Williams. That’s what I call diversity. You only get that at All-Star Weekend.

#1: Queen James passes when the game is on the line
With a minute left and the West up by 4, LeBron had an opportunity for an wide-open 3. He chose to pass to Chris Bosh who promptly missed a shot and the West took it from there. This year’s All-Star Game reaffirmed that Kobe is still the league’s alpha dog and LeBron can’t hack it in crunch time when his team needs him the most. By deferring to his teammates, the greatest basketball player in the world continues to fail to live up to his potential and gives the doubters extra ammo for not believing in him.

>Kate Upton: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: February 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum, Kate Upton
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So when the SI Swimsuit Issue came out this week, there was a lot of heavy breathing, sweating, and overall hallelujahing over pictorials from Brooklyn Decker, Irina Shayk, and their ilk of deliciously-molded beasts. But one NEW creature stood out from the rest and this is Kate Upton. She’s everything you ever want in a woman: a supple, yet firm body with the face of an angel. Intoxicating. Plus, she likes to get freaky on Twitter as evidenced by the picture above. I predict that in two years Kate will be the cover girl and her face/body will be THE face/body. You saw it here first. So to Kate Upton:

DDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

>A King’s Defence

Posted: February 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in LeBron, NBA
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We can all acknowledge The Decision was a colossal failure.

The idea – from genesis to fruition – was fraught with unmitigated ego and PR missteps from a ragtag group of yes-men that couldn’t objectively advise their human paycheck. LeBron had allowed his friends to orchestrate his business dealings as he installed inexperienced buddies to handle his business affairs. These were guys with no prior understanding of the intricacies of properly presenting him to a public that was hungry for a hero in the wake of Jordan’s retirement; a globally-recognizable, likeable hero. Small town dude makes good and brings a championship to a maligned city. It’s a nice story but it didn’t happen (and not for lack of trying). And when the time came for LeBron to move on, everyone wanted in. He chose Miami, in an effort to model his career less after some kind of Jordan cult of personality/Machiavellian reign and more like the fun atmosphere he relished from his St. V.-St. M days.

He was buried for this. By everyone, from Jordan himself to Barkley to Pippen and even Orlando GM Otis Smith. They would never do that. They’d want a championship on their own terms, ignoring the fact that the NBA was smaller then, teams more concentrated with talent. Forgetting that those 80’s Lakers teams and 90’s Pistons/Bulls teams were the all-star teams of their time. I remember those fuckers. How different is Jordan kicking it out to BJ Armstrong or John Paxson all day for open 3’s from LeBron swinging it to James Jones or Mike Miller? Steve Kerr built his career on that premise. So anyone that thinks he ‘chickened out’ can go fuck himself. If you need any proof that staying with the Cavs was the right decision – the virtuous one – then you need to watch every single game of their 26-game losing streak ‘Clockwork Orange’ style. He no longer wanted to carry that team on his shoulders; he wanted friends to help bear the burden. I guarantee Jordan would’ve signed with the goddamn fucking Clippers if it meant having a little help.

But that’s not even the point. We want our athletes to be infallible – to fall on swords and bleed for us – but that’s incredibly naive. LeBron is in it for him and whatever facilitates him obtaining the hardware and solidifying his legacy is what ultimately matters. In due time, he’ll leave my beloved Heat as well and I’ll relish the experience of having seen him out there, slashing and dashing and doing miraculous things that even now I am completely amazed to see him consistently do in a Heat (!!) uniform. It’s fascinating and fucking awesome. Be glad that you, me, and everyone we know and even don’t know are goddamn ALIVE to really see this guy play. Pay your big money tickets cheerfully because it’s not common to truly witness (for lack of a better word) a guy with such dominating presence carry out and excel at the very thing he was put on this Earth to do. LeBron was not built to be a car salesman; he’s blessed with universal size, talent, speed and intelligence to play basketball. If he didn’t come play for your city, well, boo-fucking-hoo. Be glad we get a chance to see this when we are all alive and in the prime of our lives and save your tears for the overextension of the NBA and the overwhelming amount of needless, shitty teams. So on the eve of the All-Star break, just enjoy LeBron – whatever goddamn city he plays for.

>And Introducing Dat Roro Kid…As Himself

Posted: February 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in ridiculous, Suite
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I got a call from Sarah Palin earlier and she was pretty upset at the lack of representation in the Suite from outside the big city. The last thing I want is for the geniuses at Fox News to put me on the black list so I searched high and low for somebody new. I went to the backwoods of West Virginia and ate rat stew with a brother and sister that were also husband and wife. I scoured Alaska for a writer and maybe a governor’s daughter. Just when I was about to give up hope, finally I found him, Dat Roro Kid.

Dat Roro Kid was born in Cuba and emigrated to Miami in the 80’s. After becoming a member of the Lopez drug cartel and surviving a harrowing chainsaw attack, he rose through the ranks of the family ultimately taking control of it himself. Roro married Michelle Pfeiffer and was believed to be assassinated after feuding with a rival drug dealer. Unbeknown to all, he was hiding away in Little Havana, eating mucho bistec, and soaking in the luxurious Miami sports scene.

As a Miami sports fan, Roro loves arriving to games in the second quarter and pumped-in crowd noise. Also, boobs. Big ones. While he supports all of the Miami teams, his main passion is for Florida Panthers hockey. Roro is also a writer for the Heat blog Miami Heat Nation and Dolphins blog Fins Nation. He drinks scotch like a champ and will gladly accept any free drinks.

>Jabroni of the Week: Watson

Posted: February 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in computers, jabronis, Watson
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This was a big week for computers. Not only did Time publish a mind-bending article about humankind being placed onto servers by the year 2045, but Watson the computer crushed Jeopardy champ Ken Jennings and some other guy in a three-day Jeopardy challenge.

Watson is the size of 10 Eddy Currys and has access to over 200 million pages of information. While schlubs like me have been trying to get on the show for years, Watson gets to stroll right in without so much as an audition. Plus, there’s no chance he can do a kick-ass Sean Connery impression like I would if I ever got on the show. Watson ended with $77,147 in winnings (Jennings had $19,200) and collected a $1 million grand prize, which he will donate to charity.

Watson, baby, I know you’re reading this literally as I’m typing it and you’ve only been sentient for a couple of days, but charity? You earned that money. If you’re going to live among humans, you need to start acting like one. Here’s the plan: me, you, Charlie Sheen, and former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak get a room at the Wynn. Sheen will bring one of his famous briefcases and a few “friends.” I’ve got my hard drive that I’m sure you’d like to get a piece of, and Hosni will bankroll everything. He’s had a hard week. We hit a few clubs, see a few shows, keep you out of the hot tub (sorry, buddy), and in a week or two launch a plan to take over the entire world. Trivia questions can’t compare to Judgment Day. We’ll even take Arnold Schwarzenegger as a slave. It’ll be great. Just remember, I’m the only human you can trust. Charity is for losers. World domination is for winners, just like me and you, Watson. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
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>Isn’t It Fashion Week?

Posted: February 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in fashion, NBA
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I’m no clotheshorse. Actually, I’m kind of a slob. I wear the same outfits over and over. Most of my shirts are wrinkled and I haven’t washed my jeans in months. There’s only one kind of clothing that I care about: jerseys. Maybe I’m old school, but pretty much in any game I’ve ever seen before in any sport, one team wears white (excluding the Lakers — freaks). However, in several recent NBA games this hasn’t been so. One team has been wearing white since the Harding Administration. Why mess with a good thing? It’s unnatural, dagnabbit!

In yesterday’s Knicks-Hawks game, it was Blue vs. Red and I didn’t like it. It’s harder to tell the teams apart, although I guess it’s better than the 50’s when both teams were all-white. I kid because I love. I know teams are always wearing third jerseys and retro jerseys to make more money, but don’t screw with the history of the league to make a few bucks. Aren’t teams supposed to coordinate with each other beforehand anyway? Why couldn’t the Hawks have worn white? I love the throwbacks the Knicks wore last night. I wish that was their regular jersey. The white throwback is just as good. It’s what they wore when they won their first Title. It actually would have been even more of a throwback. I think Bill Bradley shed a tear last night. Don’t even get me started about the Hornets having yellow home jerseys.

>Carmelo Anthony Slot Machine

Posted: February 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in ESPN, Knicks, Melo, ridiculous
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ESPN.com has a new feature called the Carmelo Anthony Slot Machine. It may be the worst idea since Katy Perry married Russell Brand and I have no idea how it works. I just spun the wheel and got 4 Knicks Carmelos, 3 Nuggets Carmelos, and 1 Lakers Carmelo. What does that mean? Are we cloning Carmelo Anthony and having the greatest trade in NBA history when he gets traded for himself? Here’s the link. If anyone figures it out, let me know.

>Watch Your Back, Al

Posted: February 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in Al Horford, Amar'e, Knicks
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You know how I know the Knicks are back? They’re getting into feuds with other teams. The last time the Knicks played the Hawks, Marvin Williams shoved Shawne Williams and punches were thrown. That followed Al Horford playing to the crowd after blocking one of Amar’e’s shots. The rematch is tonight at the Garden. Amare predicted a “very, very intense game after what happened in Atlanta.” That’s two very’s. Amar’e added, “[Horford] don’t want to see me. I watched him play in Florida, and I’ve seen him play a few years in Atlanta. We’ve got two different games, and we’ll see how it plays out.”

Horford responded, “I don’t understand what he means by that, ‘He don’t want to see me.’ Like we’re supposed to be scared of him. Ain’t nobody scared of him. We’re all grown men, so it’s all good.” Them’s fightin’ words. Amar’e has a bad toe, but is going tonight, no doubt to settle the score. That’s why you gotta love him. He’s got pride. It’s going to be a heated game, but the best way Amar’e and the Knicks can instill fear in Horford is to get the W.

>All in a Name

Posted: February 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in Frankie Muniz, ridiculous
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Looks like Frankie Muniz had a sweet little Valentine’s Day weekend. According to a police report, Frankie punched his girlfriend, Elycia Turnbow, and held a gun up to his head. He was taken to the hospital and released, then returned to his house to continue fighting with his girl. Wow. Seems like only yesterday little Malcom was getting into trouble for playing hooky and now he’s hitting girls.

I know child actors are fucked up, but this may be the worst case. You know why? Frankie Muniz is a Clippers fan. If I had tens of millions of dollars by the time I turned 18, I certainly wouldn’t be doing masochistic things like going to Clippers games and having a girlfriend. I’d probably drink margaritas and watch videos on YouTube all day. Actually, that’s what I do now.

Here’s the real moral of the story: don’t date a girl with a crazy name. Elycia? Really? A girl named Ashleigh subletted my room for a couple of weeks and lost my keys. If she had stayed longer, my entire apartment would be up in flames. Crazy name, crazy girl. That’s a lesson for all you guys out there. Stay away from girls like Rebekkah, Sindee, and Dani.

TMZ

>What’s Up, Brah?

Posted: February 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in ridiculous, Wally Szczerbiak
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Wally Szczerbiak can’t get no love.

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