S.H.I.T: Texans-Colts

Posted: December 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, NFL, S.H.I.T.
0

Oh, NFL Network, you were so close to having a good game tonight. At the beginning of the season, it looked like the AFC South would come down to this one. Even as of a few weeks ago, it seemed like the Texans were the team to beat in the AFC and tonight would be their coming out party. A few injuries later, and it’s Orlovsky! Yates! Thursday Night Football! Here’s our picks.

TEXANS (-5.5) AT COLTS
Stone: Colts
Slumdeezy: Texans
Rory: Texans
DP Animal: Texans
Phanatic: Texans

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 124-94
Rory: 121-97
Slumdeezy: 113-105
DP Animal: 106-112
Phanatic: 106-112

Jabroni of the Week: Verizon Wireless

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in death, jabronis, Verizon
0

As part of a “test emergency notification,” Verizon Wireless sent out a mass text to its customers in New Jersey warning of a civil emergency and imploring them to take shelter. Unfortunately, as you can see, the text wasn’t clearly identified and caused a bit of a panic. Normally, when the Emergency Broadcast System does their beep test (used to scare me as a kid, still does), they tell you multiple times, “It’s only a test. It’s only a test. Hey idiot, if you’re calling 911, this is only a test.” They do this because people get frightened. I can’t even imagine the number of calls to the police this caused.

I’m not blaming people for being panicky. I’m the biggest wuss in the world. If I got this text message, I would be halfway to Canada by now, sobbing into an American flag. I’m actually surprised this didn’t create more of an uproar. Apparently earlier in the week, a few houses in the area shook with no explanation. That’s poop-your-pants frightening. Who knows what it could have been. Nuclear meltdown, biological attack, or even a (gasp!) alien invasion.

Verizon, baby, you weren’t trying to scare anyone, but man, wait till April Fool’s Day until you do your next emergency test. Or even just put “THIS IS ONLY A TEST” anywhere in the fricking text. This isn’t the 90’s anymore. I hear a low-flying plane and I’m ready to run. I know you issued an apology but try to be a little more careful next time. You wouldn’t want there to be an actual emergency and nobody believes the warning text. Although it is New Jersey. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NJ.com

Claw Machine

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in lobsters, Staten Island
0


A Staten Island sports bar that has a claw machine with lobsters as prizes instead of stuffed animals is in hot water (get it?) with PETA. Dugout Pub South lets customers play the game for $2 and the lobsters must be eaten at the restaurant and not kept as pets. On the one hand, it’s pretty much the same thing that most restaurants do and if you’re a competitive bastard like me, it’s cool to win your dinner on the cheap. Buuuuuuuuuuut, it is a bit inhumane to have the lives of animals on the line as a prize for a game, and have a claw knock them around, pick them up, and drop them as well. There are about 1,000 of these machines around the country but they’re more common in, let’s say, more rural areas.

Ernie Pappas, the president of the company that makes the machines defended the concept by saying, “When guys go into a sports bar…they will never be in the NFL, they’ll never be a pro golfer or any kind of professional athlete. But they can be a fisherman by catching that lobster. Here a regular guy can go in, and when he catches it, which is difficult, he runs around saying, ‘I caught a lobster!’ Well, that’s a pretty interesting thing to do.” That’s really the most ludicrous part of the whole story. When I beat my buddies at a drunken game of air hockey, I don’t feel like Wayne Gretzky. Just because you can catch a lobster with a claw machine, doesn’t make you a fisherman. It means you’d be great at getting teddy bears for little kids. Ernie Pappas would make a great politician.

NY Daily News

Slobberknocker: Johnny Ace

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in CM Punk, Executive VP of Talent Relations, videos, wrestling, WWF
0


As part of this year’s Slammy Awards, WWF Champion CM Punk presented a honorary lifetime achievement award to his nemesis and current interim Raw GM, John Laurinaitis. As part of the tribute, Punk had a video package made of all of Funk Man’s “highlights” throughout the years. The video itself is classic but the music really brings everything together nicely. Despite his reputation as a hardass behind the scenes, Laurinaitis is actually a pretty good new onscreen character. He straddles the line between being a serious decision-maker and oblivious comic relief. I’d like to keep seeing more.

Sign Him, Proky

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in Asians, basketball
0


I don’t know how Rory would feel about it, but the Nets are in search of a quality shooting guard. Isn’t their goal to be the most international team in the NBA? I’ve heard of stop and pop, but this guy is ridiculous. He shoots almost as much as Allen Iverson did. Whatever happened to the good old days of Asian kids dominating the Dance Dance Revolution machines at the arcade? Looks like Yao Ming had an impact after all. This kid is better than Yi Jianlian playing against his chair.

Gotta Do Better Than That, Tony Bennett!

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in art, Lady Gaga, Tony Bennett
0

He may be over 80, but it looks like Tony Bennett still has some moves with the ladies. After recording The Lady Is a Tramp with Lady Gaga for his new album, Tony took Gaga back to his place for a little art project. A nude painting, to be specific. So Tony has one of the hottest pop stars on the planet posing naked for him, and this is the best he can do? It looks like Donatella Versace and Sloth from The Goonies had a baby. You have to flatter a lady, Tony, even if she is a tramp. No way you’re getting Gaga with that. The entire project was part of a Gaga piece in Vanity Fair. If you want to see the NSFW setup with artist and subject, click through the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

Trailer Park: The Reunion

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in John Cena, The Reunion, Trailer Park, videos, wrestling, WWF
0


Now we can get us killed in two langauges.

What do John Cena and Tyler Perry have in common? Despite the fact that their movies consistently look terrible, somebody apparently goes to see them and they keep rolling out more and more. In The Reunion, John Cena (apparently filming during one of his many firings) and a cast of Oscar winners playing his brothers start a private investigation agency after their father dies and promises to leave them a huge inheritance if they can successfully run a business together. What a realistic premise! Who wouldn’t want to see that? Cena can make fun of the Rock for being in the ring once in a blue moon, but at least when he does it, it’s entertaining. I think it’s about time for Cena to retire from the movie business.

Fire Jeff Ireland

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, Miami Dolphins, NFL
0

Dat Roro Kid was in the the news this week, causing trouble as usual. He and his cronies over at Fins Nation have raised $1,500 to have a plane fly over Sun Life Stadium for the Dolphins’ home finale on New Years’ Day with a banner imploring owner Stephen Ross to fire GM Jeff Ireland. The banner will read, “Mr. Ross, save our Dolphins. Fire Jeff Ireland.” The Dolphins have gone 19-27 under the stewardship of Ireland over the past three seasons, but his real crime might be not making the team sucky enough to earn the right to draft Andrew Luck. You may also remember Ireland as the guy that asked Dez Bryant if his mother was a prostitute. Seems like a classy fellow.

You have to hand it to Roro and his boys. They believe that this guy needs to go and they went out and did something about it. Most of us just stop going to the games when we get fed up. The “airplane watch” tailgate party before the game is going to be a must-do if you’re a Dolphins fan.

National Football Post

I’m Raising My Kids In Kazakhstan

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in hockey, I LIKE!!!, the kids
0


Kids in America are such wimps nowadays. Everybody gets to play. Everybody gets a trophy. Everybody did a great job and gets a kiss from Mommy. Not so in Astana, Kazakhstan. After two kids get into a fight after the handshake line in an under-10 game, the entire teams start scuffling. It’s like Slap Shot meets Bad News Bears. The best part is that the adults on the ice barely do anything to stop the fight. They let the kids handle everything themselves. That’s how hockey works. And of course, the crowd gives a raucous ovation when it’s all said and done. All kids should spend two weeks playing hockey in Astana so we don’t have a generation of pussies.

Trivia Time: Holiday Shopping

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in Happy Holidays, shopping, trivia
0

I’m still working on my holiday shopping. I go to these stores and I end up buying stuff I don’t need. I actually bought a Snuggie for dogs. Certain people are considered “compulsive buyers” due to their shopping addiction. I initially estimated the percentage to be around 50% or approximately the entire female population, but I was wrong. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and win a Snuggie for dogs.

What percentage of consumers are classified as “compulsive shoppers?” (and a hint: it’s not 50%)

Read the rest of this entry »

Older Entries
Newer Entries