>Johnny Drama To Buy Mets?

Posted: April 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in Entourage, Mets

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Fortunately, this is not an April Fool’s joke. One of the groups interested in buying a piece of the Mets from the beleaguered Wilpons includes Doug Ellin, the creator of Entourage. As part of Ellin’s plan, Kevin Connolly, Kevin Dillon, and Eddie Burns will be used to add “star power” (notice the quotation marks) to their bid.  I guess Ari is still worn out with his whole NFL experience.

This is exactly what the Mets saga was missing: B-list TV stars. They should just turn the whole process into a VH1 reality show. I’d watch it. Every week, the Wilpons give out Mr. Met bobblehead dolls to each group that advances to the next group of bidding. We can have cameo appearances by Turtle, Ray-J, and Donald Trump. How am I not a reality TV producer? By the way, I would totally go to Citi Field if I knew Dillon would throw out the first pitch in his Tarvold costume. VICTORY!

NY Daily News

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The Daily News wrote a very unflattering article today about how Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel is too skinny. Not surprisingly, the article was written by a woman. The Suite always stands up for the little guy and it’s time for all the fat bitches out there to stop picking on the models. They have feelings too (probably). Young Candice here doesn’t have a problem. She likely eats at least twice a day, if coffee counts. That’s the right amount in my book. Candice, The Suite loves you for who you are inside and out. Hopefully, on the inside one of these days. Just don’t get fat. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

>LeBron James Is A Great Guy

Posted: April 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in April Fool's Day, LeBron

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Nah, just kidding. He has the mental constitution of an 11-year-old girl. Have a great April Fool’s Day, everybody!

>Still Looking: A Mets 2011 Season Preview

Posted: April 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in Mets, MLB

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Apparently, some of the millions (AND MILLIONS!) are Mets fans, so I figured I would treat them to a Mets preview.
The Mets suck. I could buy them for $100 but I’d rather spend the money on beer and lap dances. They have some decent players but David Wright hates his life and half the team is running from the INS. Also, I hear Johan Santana is injured. Gonna be a long year in Flushing.
Projected finish: 75-87, fourth place in NL East

>Eternal Sunshine: A Yankees 2011 Season Preview

Posted: April 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in MLB, Yankees

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After failing to get Cliff Lee or any significant free agents this offseason, a sense of negativity has permeated the Yankees as they head into the 2011 season. Compounded with the signings of Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez by Boston, expectations are tempered compared to years past. However, the Bombers lost no players of note besides the aging Andy Pettitte. You would think that the Yankees were a .500 team last year, BUT THEY FUCKING WON 95 GAMES AND CAME TWO WINS AWAY FROM THE WORLD SERIES!

Expectations shouldn’t be any lower than last year when the Yanks were the defending champs and expected to repeat. They led the AL East for most of the year and only lost out to Tampa Bay at the end because they didn’t want to play Texas in the playoffs.

The strength of the Yankees lineup has always been the ability to wear the opponent out. It’s relentless. Having Curtis Granderson batting in the 8-hole is an enormous fucking luxury. By being patient and working every at-bat, starting pitchers are gassed by the time they reach the seventh inning stretch and then it’s time to pounce. It’s the same in 2011.

If anything, the lineup should be even stronger this year. Alex Rodriguez is healthy for the first time in years and Derek Jeter is out to prove that he isn’t washed up. Robbie Cano, Nick Swisher, and Brett Gardner are all young guys coming off career years and will continue to improve. Russell Martin at catcher is the only question mark, but he should be an upgrade defensively over Jorge Posada, and Jesus Montero is waiting in the wings if it doesn’t work out.

Yankee fans are spoiled by this embarrassment of riches. If there’s one position where the player is below average, it’s not good enough and the entire team is awful. It’s OK to have one or two subpar players. The Yankees won the World Series with Ricky Ledee playing left field. Half the guys on the Giants last year couldn’t even hold A-Rod’s jock. That’s Cameron Diaz’s job anyway.

Everyone makes a big deal about the pitching staff with Ivan Nova and Freddy Garcia as the 4- and 5-starters, but as long as CC is your ace, you can’t complain. He’s still one of the top pitchers in the majors and Phil Hughes was having a great season last year until he wore down. Keep in mind, he’s only 24 years old and won 18 games. A.J. Burnett sucked last year, but hopefully he and his pie-throwing skills will bounce back.

The Yankees always seem to have a surprise in the rotation. Aaron Small anybody? If Nova and Garcia can pitch well, 15 wins isn’t out of the question. And if they can’t cut it, Felix Hernandez and Francisco Liriano are already being mentioned in trade talks. The bullpen should be stronger with the addition of Rafael Soriano. With Joba working the seventh, the Yanks can hopefully shorten games to 6 innings, which will take the strain off the starters.

The past two seasons in the American League, it has only taken 90 and 88 wins to clinch a Wild Card berth, respectively. Barring injury, the Yankees should eclipse that number. Tampa Bay is weaker after losing Crawford and Soriano, and Minnesota, Texas, Detroit, Chicago and Oakland don’t exactly spread fear in Hank Steinbrenner’s heart. He’d be chain-smoking either way. Trust me.

The Red Sox will once again be the main rival, the way it should be. They did improve but Youkilis and PED-roia are coming off major injuries and the pitching staff is weaker than the Yankees. Buchholz is overrated. Beckett is old. Lackey is fat. They should win 90 games as well but they’re not the huge favorites that everyone is making them out to be.

For once, the Red Sox made all the noise over the winter, but as we’ve learned, it’s not pomp and circumstance that wins championships. It will be nice to have all the pressure on another team this year and fly under the radar. Don’t sleep on the Yankees.

Projected finish: 96-66, first in AL East

>What’s Isiah Up To?

Posted: March 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in Isiah, where are they now

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This is an interesting read about Isiah Thomas’s life in exile in Miami. It’s the most I’ve seen written about Isiah since he was fired from the Knicks. He’s a bitter guy but still determined to make it back to the NBA.  Here’s the most telling quote, “I’m going to fuck you up with facts.” Which facts are he talking about? His playing record is great and can never be questioned but his post-playing career is awful. Am I crazy or would it make perfect sense for him to work for the Heat? I don’t doubt that he would be a good scout but when it comes to managing the salary cap and making trades and signings, he’s delusional if he thinks he’s ever going to get another high-level management job.

Fox Sports

>When You Gotta Go

Posted: March 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in LeBron, NBA

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In his second return to Cleveland since taking his talents to South Beach, Queen James didn’t want to stick around and get booed during starting lineups again so he had an interesting solution. The Queen went to the “bathroom” while his teammates were being introduced. I know the importance of finding a toilet more than anyone, but what a bitch move. You made your bed, now lie in it. Queen James sold out his hometown for fun in the sun. That was his right, but ducking out of player intros? Man up! Everything LeBron does is the exact opposite of a stone-cold killer and that’s what you need to be to win in the NBA. To make matters worse, the Heat went out and lost the game by double-digits. Jordan, Magic, and Bird must be shaking their heads. Jordan would have pissed on the other team if he really had to go.

>The Knickerbocker Conundrum

Posted: March 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in Amar'e, Coach D, Knicks, Melo

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A lot has been made about the Knicks’ recent struggles. Before defeating Orlando, they lost nine out of 10 and six in a row including losses to juggernauts like Detroit, Milwaukee, and Charlotte. Melo has been here for 21 games now, more than a quarter of the season, so it’s fair to judge him and the team since the trade. But honestly, I can’t. I’m just confused.

When I used to run cross country in high school, I loved it when the people in front of me were too far ahead to catch but I couldn’t see anybody behind me. That way I didn’t have to run too fast but I wasn’t in danger of being passed.

The Knicks have been in a similar position for almost the entirety of the season. They couldn’t catch Atlanta but they weren’t going to miss the playoffs because the East is so weak. After the trade, it was expected that there might be growing pains but the results have been especially surprising.

There have been flashes but overall the quality of play has been perplexing. Against good teams, the Knicks look motivated and cohesive, but against also-rans, their play has been subpar. Unfortunately, the problems are defense and rebounding, which presumably are a matter of effort. Why is this happening?

Before Melo, the pecking order on the team was obvious. Amar’e was the star and everyone else followed suit. He was the engine that powered the team. The offense flowed through him but the entire team was involved.

Carmelo is one of the greatest creators in the NBA. Watching him, it’s absolutely astounding to see him play. He takes the ball to the hole like nobody else and the way he spins and dribbles the ball makes me question my sexuality.

But when Carmelo gets the ball, everything stops. He might be able to score 60% of the time, but is that better than if the ball gets spread around? On top of that, when guys don’t touch the ball, they become less involved in the game and their energy sags. It shoudn’t happen, but it does. You don’t want that to happen to Amar’e Stoudemire and you especially don’t want him to be unhappy because he’s not getting the ball. He’s earned it.

The Knicks’ offense was built around being up-tempo and finding the open man, not one-on-one play. In his third year in New York, and struggling after little success the past two years, Mike D’Antoni is on the hot seat. A lot of people are questioning whether he can make this arrangement work. It’s going to be tough but after turning Phoenix into a contender and revolutionizing the way offense is played, who better than Coach D to make it happen? It’s like having Wolfgang Puck make you waffles. Maybe he hasn’t made waffles in years, but when he gets the hang of it, those are going to be some fucking good waffles.

D’Antoni is too smart not to figure out how to make this work and Stat and Melo are committed to winning and sacrificing for the greater good. In time, Carmelo will have to learn to defer to Amar’e and his teammates more. The offense should still run through Amar’e with Carmelo an outlet in case the big guy gets stuck. Amar’e isn’t touching the ball enough anymore. This isn’t stuff you can learn on the fly and it’s going to take a lot of work over the summer to improve it.

The Knicks’ rotation is perilously short. When you’re starting Shelden Williams at center, you know you’re in trouble. Losing Chauncey Big Shot with his thigh injury did not help in getting the team to gel. Amar’e is already rightfully or wrongfully averaging a career high in minutes with a surgically repaired knee. Landry Fields is used to playing 30 games a year. Anthony Carter and Roger Mason Jr. are getting significant minutes. They traded away half their team. It’s incomplete. Leonardo da Vinci didn’t hang the Mona Lisa in the Louvre after he sketched out her smile. What Donnie Walsh (or whoever’s in charge) is going to have to do this summer is fill out this roster and make it complete for next year. An athletic defensive big man would be a good start and a dead-eye sharpshooter wouldn’t be so bad either.

This team is worn out and the playoffs are around the corner. What incentive does it have to bust its ass? Yeah, I know the fans are paying money but sixth or seventh place is pretty much a foregone conclusion with Boston and Miami waiting in the wings.

Personally, I want no part of Miami. Despite their problems, Queen James is going to be a beast in the first round of the playoffs. Boston is getting old and the Knicks could run on them. Either way, the identity of their playoff opponent is going to come down to wire and it will be daunting. Better to take it easy now than win a few games and be totally worn out for the playoffs.

So what is the problem? Is there a problem? The Nuggets have been rolling since the trade while the Knicks are crawling across the finish line and for the first time this season, people are starting to push the panic button. Realistically, there’s not one cause. Amar’e has proven that he’s a warrior and when Carmelo is determined to play defense and rebound, he is all-world. The Knicks have some good pieces and are definitely better than they’ve been playing recently. It’s upsetting and confusing to see them play so poorly against bad teams, but luckily (or not) they’re going to be playing somebody really good in about two weeks. I’m not afraid.

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All good things must come to an end. With Wrestlemania coming up this week, it seems like an appropriate time to end our wildly popular Wrestling Video of the Week segment. Our final video may be one of the wildest. Minutes away from her marriage with Test, Stephanie McMahon finds out that she secretly wed Triple H at a drive-in in Vegas Timofey Mozgov-style while she was unconscious. As if that wasn’t enough, Hunter asks Vince how many times he thinks he raped Stephanie while she was passed out. Definitely not one of the most tasteful storylines in history. With that said, I loved it.

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Jose Canseco was scheduled to fight on Saturday at a celebrity boxing event. However, just as the big match was about to go on, fans noticed that his tattoos were different. It turns out Jose sent his twin brother Ozzie in his place. There hasn’t been a bait-and-switch like this since Zach was supposed to go on a blind date with Mr. Belding’s niece and sent Screech instead. Not helping matters is the fact that Jose texted the promoter “You have to pay him” when “Jose” demanded cash up front. The promoter didn’t pay up and now he wants the $5,000 that he paid Jose earlier back.

When I was a kid, I always dreamt of having a twin and wreaking havoc on the world. We could take each other’s tests, date each other’s girls, go to each other’s jobs, and fight in each other’s celebrity boxing matches. It would be hilarious. If you ever saved your twin’s life, you would have it made. He’d basically have to do anything you didn’t want to do in your place. I wish I had someone like that for my community service in Hoboken.

ESPN