Archive for the ‘football’ Category

WEEK 77 – The Walking Dead

Posted: November 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, Dream Team, football, Giants, NFL, Philly sucks
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Dream Team 17, Giants 10

The Walking Dead has a great premise and a ton of potential. The six episodes of the first season were action-packed and fast-moving. Then, it stopped. Actually it didn’t stop. It just started moving very sloooooooooowly. It’s like the writers said, “Hey, we have a cool show here. People like zombies. Let’s stretch the second season out for 13 episodes, and add some more dialogue. That’s exactly what people want to see on a show about zombies! More dialogue!”

The Giants coaching staff must be big fans of The Walking Dead. The team has a lot of talent, but seem content not using it. If you’re running a show about zombies, let’s see some dismembering. If you’re running a football team, lets see some touchdowns. Just because you have something good on your hands, doesn’t mean you can sit back and expect success.

The Giants are never going to reach the next level if they’re not playing to win. The play calling has been so conservative this year. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse every week. I’m sick of running on 2nd and 8. The offensive line was flat out bad yesterday. Try to be a little creative. Hey, I know! How about a screen pass? How about Eli just chucks it 50 yards and hopes that Manningham comes down with it? It’s better than Brandon Jacobs crashing into the line and getting two yards a play. You have to keep the defense on their toes.

And where did the defensive line go? Vince Young looked awful at the start of the game. Just keep blitzing him. The Giants have never been a good coverage team. Their strength has always been not only rushing the passer, but bringing different types of pressure to keep him off guard. They did none of that yesterday. Young had time to get comfortable and by the end of the game, he was zinging the ball through in the middle of the field and was able to take advantage of the guys filling in at linebacker.

Of course, Eli still had the crew looking like they were going to send things to overtime, but there was just one offensive line gaffe too many. It’s like when I was in college, I used to always wait till the last second to write my papers. Most of the time, they were great, but every once in a while, I just ran out the time and had to hand in a piece of shit. Time ran out yesterday.

The Giants can’t be happy with mediocrity. They’re better than most of the teams they’ve player. They need to loosen up and take some chances. It’s not like they practiced the Helmet Catch beforehand. Pretty soon they really will be the walking dead.

As I was leaving the Stadium, I got stuck on the escalator behind a Santa Claus-looking guy with his shirt off. His entire back was tattooed with an enormous Eagles logo, uniform numbers, and various events in their history. I was forced to look at this the whole way down. It wasn’t a pleasant way to end the night.

Tebowmania

Posted: November 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in Denver Broncos, football, Hulk Hogan, NFL, TEBOW!, wrestling
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Whatcha gonna do when Tebowmania runs wild on you?

With Tebowmania running rampant around the country and dare I say, the world, my buddy Matt takes a look at the phenomenon and how Tebow compares to a certain icon from the past:

The babyfaced athletic hero takes the stage with great fanfare. Women and children scream for him. Grown men wear his outfit. The air is thick with anticipation of the history that is about to unfold. But then our hero spends most of the contest looking entirely inferior to the competition, bringing virtually nothing to the table. He makes his adversaries gain a sense of superiority, makes neutral observers scoff, and makes even some of his backers start to question why they bothered investing their emotions in this guy in the first place. Yet like clockwork, just when all hope seems to be lost, it happens. Our moribund hero springs to life and lets loose in a storm of fury on his tiring opponent. In the blink of an eye, it is over. Somehow, in the closing minutes our hero made a remarkable rally and added to his growing legend. Music blares over the PA and fans go wild as he assumes his trademark pose, victorious.

If the character we know as Timothy Richard Tebow didn’t exist, someone would have to create it. As it turns out, someone already did create it more than a quarter-century ago. But in its initial incarnation, the character wasn’t an NFL quarterback named Tim Tebow. He was a WWF wrestler named Hulk Hogan.

As I watched Tebow lead the Broncos on their improbable game-winning drive Thursday night, culminating in a 20-yard touchdown run to upset the Jets 17-13, I began searching through my memory. Precisely who did this unorthodox (perhaps that’s the wrong word given his devout faith) phenom remind me of? We hear a lot of Doug Flutie comparisons, but that doesn’t quite fit. As anyone who’s ever seen film of his Hail Mary pass to beat Miami while at Boston College can attest, Flutie had a fantastic arm. He had trouble getting a crack at a NFL starting job not due to a lack of arm, but a lack of height.

I realized that I had never seen a quarterback quite like Tebow, that I’d need to search outside the world of football to find an apt comparison. And finally, it hit me. Tim Tebow is the closest thing the NFL has ever seen to the Hulkster.

Before his public life degenerated into aging, balding, wrinkled, steroid-addled, reality show-starring, womanizing, wife-divorcing farce, Hogan was a cartoonish grappler who inspired kids across America to do the right thing. Clearly, the mid 1980’s were a different era in both the WWF and our nation for this situation (pro wrestler as role model) to even be possible. His mantra to America’s youth was to “train, say your prayers and eat your vitamins.” The children watching him didn’t imagine the “vitamins” to mean steroids. We assumed he meant Flintstones chewables, especially the purple Dino shapes. Those  were tasty.

Tebow’s persona is similarly straight out of a comic book. I’m tempted to call him a throwback, but to what? He’s a throwback to a past that never existed even in the popular imagination. Perhaps baseball superstars were once imagined to be as wholesome as peanut butter on whole wheat with a glass of milk, but quarterbacks were generally rough-hewn gladiators at best. At worst, you’d expect them to show up drunk on national TV asking Suzy Kolber to kiss them.

With more than two decades since his heyday to blur the memories, it would be easy to recall Hogan’s character in the ring as that of an irresistible force. We remember the bulging eyes, the driving “Real American” entrance music, the yellow shirt ripping off as if it were effortless. But here’s the thing: Hogan almost always struggled through his matches. In fact, he often brought virtually nothing to the table. He was a big, muscular guy to be sure, but if Mel Kiper Jr. scouted 80’s WWF wrestlers Hogan would’ve been given the dreaded “tweener” tag.  He would have underwhelmed at the combine. He had decent size for the WWF, but was no Andre the Giant or Big John Studd. He never was particularly quick on his feet. I’m fairly certain the Ultimate Warrior could have destroyed him in a bench-press competition. And he had no aerial moves anywhere near the class of a “Macho Man” Randy Savage or a Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.

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WEEK 11 Picks: Crying Shame

Posted: November 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL
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Normally, I’d make fun of this kid for being the epitome of a Jets fan, but he’s smarter than at least 90% of the Jets fans out there. Plus, he knows the Giants are going to trounce the Jets. The real tool here is Mom. The pain a sports fan endures after a tough loss is private. You can’t go putting it up on YouTube. Mom doesn’t even sound like she cares. Don’t talk to the kid like he lost an action figure, his team just blew a game with serious playoff implications!

As a kid, all you worry about is wins and losses. You don’t care that all you picks hit, or your fantasy team did well, or even if the rookie running back had a nice game. When you lose you feel like crying. Fortunately, we’re not little kids. Well, Phanatic is. Sometimes when you’re making your picks, you get caught up in which team is going to win.

For instance, this week the Lions are favored by 6.5 points at home against the Panthers. I’d say they have a pretty good shot at winning. That doesn’t make them a good pick. Don’t forget about those points. Even if you can realistically imagine that the Panthers can pull it out, which I think they can since the Lions don’t have much of a running game, it’s a smart play to take the points. Even Mom could figure that out. Pick time!

BILLS AT DOLPHINS (-1.5)
Stone: Bills

Slumdeezy: Bills

Rory: Bills
There is a little too much riding on the momentum of both teams in this line.  I don’t think the Bills are as bad as they’ve been the last couple weeks, and vice versa.

DP Animal: Dolphins
Buffalo has massive problems on defense, and the offense is no longer a threat to score 30 points a game.  Meanwhile, the Dolphins have returned to a level of not-terribleness.

Phanatic: Dolphins
Done picking the Bills.

BENGALS AT RAVENS (-6.5)
Stone: Bengals

Slumdeezy: Ravens

Rory: Ravens

DP Animal: Ravens
No team this year has been as schizophrenic as the Ravens, mixing in two wins over long-time rival Pittsburgh with losses to Jacksonville and Seattle.  Still, they’re at home, and they have a chance to seize control of the division with a win, which means I expect the good version to show up.

Phanatic: Bengals
Ravens can’t cover a 6.5 spread.

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Same Old Quarterback

Posted: November 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, Jets, NFL, Sanchize
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With the success of the past few years, Jets fans have continued to support Mark Sanchez despite the fact that he seemingly has more cover shoots than touchdowns. That is, except my buddy Ben. These are his thoughts on the state of QB position for the Jets after Thursday night’s loss to the Broncos:

Football Fans, New Yorkers, and Jets Fans! hear me for my
cause, and be silent, that you may hear: believe me
for mine honour, and have respect to mine honour, that
you may believe: censure me in your wisdom, and
awake your senses, that you may the better judge.
If there be any in this assembly, any dear friend of
Sanchez’s, to him I say, that Ben’s love for Sanchez
was no less than his. If then that friend demand
why Ben rose against Sanchez, this is my answer:
–Not that I loved Sanchez less, but that I loved
the Jets more. Had you rather Sanchez the franchise and
die without having tasted Super Bowl glory, than Sanchez gone, and we live
with the hope of championships? As Sanchez loved Jets fans, I weep for him;
as he was fortunate, I rejoice at it; as he was
talented, I honour him: but, as he was an awful NFL quarterback, we fans slew him.
There is tears for his love; joy for his
fortune; honour for his efforts; and death for his lack of accuracy and field sense.
Who is here so base that would be a
bondman? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
Who is here so rude that would not be a Jets fan? If
any, speak; for him have I offended. Who is here so
vile that will not love his team? If any, speak;
for him have I offended. I pause for a reply.

—Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, with slight edits for the situation

I went to bed at 2 AM Thursday night.

I didn’t intend to do that. But when the Jets lost night, I cursed, I punched the air and I think I freaked out my sweet and thankfully very understanding girlfriend. I called an audible and decided it was best not to go to bed at that moment. I was too angry.

It was an anger borne out of frustration. It was an anger borne out confusion. And in the end, it was anger borne out of a realization, the realization that the Jets are never going to be more than a decent team with Mark Sanchez at quarterback.

Coach bravado can only get you so far when you can’t throw five yard slant when and where it should be.

For a brief moment, I felt jealous of Broncos fans. Tim Tebow is a terrible NFL quarterback. He will almost certainly always be a terrible NFL quarterback. He can’t throw. He can’t read pass coverages. But right now, at least there’s always the small chance that he’s something more.

Then I pitied them, because they, like us Jets fans were, will be suckered in by the brief but exciting moments moments of glory.  When a QB leads your team back from the brink, it’s only natural to forget that the QB put your team there by bad turnovers, or in Tebow’s case, such inept play that the Broncos only had two sustained drives on the evening- and only came away with three points in four drives starting in Jets territory.

But the heroic moments do stop coming because eventually the other parts of the team covering up for the three quarters of bad play can’t hold back the deluge any more. And when that flood comes, you realize that you’ve spent three years watching the suck with no hope that it’s going to change any time soon.

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S.H.I.T.: Jets-Broncos

Posted: November 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, Denver Broncos, football, Jets, NFL, S.H.I.T.
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Tonight’s S.H.I.T. game is actually a shit game. Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez will bring new meaning to the word futility as they see which one can complete the fewest passes. The Jets defense preys on bad offenses and that’s what they’re going to do tonight. I foresee a blowout. That is unless God Tebow has something to do about it.

JETS (-5.5) AT BRONCOS
Stone: Jets
Slumdeezy: Jets
Rory: Jets
DP Animal: Jets
Phanatic: Broncos

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 82-60 (Last week: 9-6)
Rory: 81-61 (11-4)
Slumdeezy: 75-67 (9-6)
DP Animal: 68-74 (7-8)
Phanatic: 67-75 (6-9)

WEEK 76 – Go For It

Posted: November 14, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, football, Giants, NFL, San Francisco 49ers
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49ers 27, Giants 20

The problem with having every game come down to the last drive is that you never know when somebody’s going to get their hand up and knock a pass down on fourth down. The Giants played well. So did the 49ers. I thought they were very evenly matched but San Fran was willing to pull out all the stops to get a W. The Niners had that perfect onsides kick while the Giants couldn’t convert either of their first two drives from inside the 10.

It’s been a reoccurring problem all season. The play calling is just too conservative in the red zone, especially on second- and third-and-long. Even in the second and third quarter, I know you don’t want to air it out on every play, but when you’re playing without your starting running back, you have to take more chances with the passing game. When Eli is moving the ball, just let him fucking do his thing. I know that a couple of those delayed handoffs were working, but the closer you get to the goal line, the harder it is to get open in the end zone because there’s less space. Eli should have been throwing. And what happened to Brandon Jacobs running like he used to? He was going side-to-side again instead of straight ahead. Even if he doesn’t get a ton of yards, at least he’s beating down the D-line. So frustrating.

So yeah, it was a close game. I thought we were a little bit better, but the real difference was the onsides kick, Weatherford’s bad punt, and Eli’s bad INT. Now we’re probably looking at the 3-seed at best. It sucks, but hey, at least I don’t have to root for Michael Vick.

WEEK 10 Picks: Value Added

Posted: November 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL
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I hate shopping. If I need something, I go to the store and I get it. Mama Stone is the opposite. She would buy a sombrero if she thought she was getting a good deal for it. That’s why she has about 30 bottles of shampoo sitting in a closet. How could she not buy them? She had a coupon! Just because something is a good value does not make it a good purchase. Unless you’re Rapunzel, in this situation.

In our world, you might be tempted to make a pick because you’re getting an extra point or two. Oh goodie, the Jets line is only -1.5. Doesn’t matter because the Pats are going to blow them out. Taking the Jets is the equivalent of a chick thinking she got a good deal because she bought a pair of shoes on sale for $350 when they were listed at $500. She’s still an idiot and I still would want to tag her. And no, that doesn’t make me gay for Tom Brady. Picks!

STEELERS (-2.5) AT BENGALS
Stone: Steelers
The Bengals are a solid team, but they haven’t played anyone good this year.

Slumdeezy: Steelers

Rory: Steelers
Red Rocket vs. Big Ben in the battle of nicknames for your penis!

DP Animal: Steelers

Phanatic: Bengals

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS (-2.5)
Stone: Broncos
I’m convinced all four teams in the AFC West are going to end up at 8-8.

Slumdeezy: Broncos

Rory: Broncos

DP Animal: Broncos

Phanatic: Chiefs

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So Happy It’s Thursday: Raiders vs. Chargers

Posted: November 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL, S.H.I.T.
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My 11th grade math teacher used the same joke every Thursday. It was like clockwork. “Hey guys, I’m so happy it’s Thursday. Get it? S.H.I.T.” Ahhh, yes. For the rest of the year, we will all be so happy it’s Thursday because we get to watch a mediocre football game. It’s still better than the MLS Playoffs. This week the Raiders visit the Chargers with the right to be eliminated on Wild Card Weekend at stake. The subplots are several! How many interceptions will Carson Palmer throw? Eight? Nine? Will Phil Rivers be the first player in NFL history to murder one of his teammates? How many times will the announcers mention that Antonio Gates played basketball in college? We’re all so happy to make some picks. I hope they’re not all the same! Bud Light, here we go…

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS (-6.5)
Stone: Chargers
Slumdeezy: Chargers
Rory: Chargers
DP Animal: Chargers
Phanatic: Chargers

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 73-54 (Last week: 8-6)
Rory: 70-57 (9-5)
Slumdeezy: 66-61 (7-7)
Phanatic: 61-66 (6-8)
DP Animal: 61-66 (7-7)

WEEK 75 – Deja Vu

Posted: November 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, BOSTON SUCKS, football, Giants, New England Patriots, NFL
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Giants 24, Patriots 20

What a great game. Both teams, give yourselves a round of applause. OK Tom Brady, you can leave now. I mean, it looked like the Giants’ hopes were pinned on Eli but I don’t think anyone could have expected him to respond the way he did. Two game-winning touchdowns in the last 3:03! He won the game, and then after Brady went down the field, he won the fucking game again. Did I mention that he did it without his top rusher and receiver? And how about Brandon Jacobs running hard for the first time all season? Looks like he’s going to be a force for the rest of the year.

The entire team just came together. It was such a great win. Jake Ballard is money at tight end. Who needs Kevin Boss? Manningham and Cruz just kept doing their thing, and Ramses Barden had a few nice plays. The offensive line has finally solidified into a competent unit and Eli had plenty of time to throw. The D was also great. The Tuck-Osi-JPP hydra attacked Brady from beginning to end and Wes Welker didn’t do any real damage.

The amazing thing is that it was probably closer than it needed to be. If Aaron Ross doesn’t fumble that punt, who knows if the Pats ever get going. They were playing like garbage up to that point. Of course, Eli’s INT in the end zone was horrible and also gave New England momentum. The problem wasn’t so much the pick, but it was the delay of game beforehand. It seems like half the time the Giants get on the goal line, they get a silly penalty to turn a sure score into a much harder proposition. Whenever they have their opponents on the ropes, they let up just a little bit and let them back in the game. So far it hasn’t hurt them much, but you’re not going to go far in the playoffs that way.

Overall, an awesome win and a great way to start the “hard” part of the schedule.  Luckily, nobody was injured and the team’s only going to get healthier. Brandon Jacobs can finally be a viable part of the offense and give the Giants a much needed extra dimension, and obviously Eli proved that he can win a game anywhere, anytime. Funny that it was Tom Brady who was whining and throwing stuff on the sidelines and Eli flawlessly leading his team to victory. The only way it would have been better was if David Tyree was involved.

WEEK 9 Picks: Stay In Your Lane

Posted: November 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL
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Last week was weird. A lot of games could have gone either way or were skewed by a plethora of defensive and special teams touchdowns. On top of that, the lines are getting better as we know which teams are good and which teams are the Browns. If you guessed right, you may have had a decent week. If you were Keith Stone, you went 3-9. If anybody did great last week, they’re an idiot who had a lucky week. These things have a tendency to straighten themselves out.

If you were doing well before the ridiculousness of WEEK 8, keep doing the same thing. Don’t change your thinking because of one fluky week where certain teams didn’t bother to show up. If you have lucky underwear, keep wearing them. For me, I blame my horrible week on the fact that I let a chick make one of my picks. Sometimes when you get too cocky, you anger the gambling gods. Just remember Judge Karen’s advice.

FALCONS (-6.5) AT COLTS
Stone: Falcons

Slumdeezy: Falcons
Somehow I think the Colts will get a win this season, with or without a return of the better Manning.  BUT I’m tired of wasting picks on them every week for the unlikely bragging rights for when that lightning does strike.

Rory: Falcons
I’m picking against the Colts until they cover a spread.  And even then, I’ll still probably pick against them.

DP Animal: Falcons

Phanatic: Falcons

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS (-8.5)
Stone: Buccaneers
That spread is bigger than Gabourey Sidibe doing a split.

Slumdeezy: Saints

Rory: Buccaneers
Don’t feel good about this at all.

DP Animal: Buccaneers
While it’s probable that last week’s loss to the Rams was just one of those fluky things that happens in the NFL from time to time, I don’t know that I trust the Saints with that big of a spread, especially since Tampa beat them all of three weeks ago.

Phanatic: Saints
Will get out their frustrations from last week.

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