Nothing can get Rolando McClain down. Why should it? He’s a linebacker for a Raiders team that is having a wonderful, surprising season. So what if he’s getting arrested for allegedly pointing a gun at somebody and then firing to the side of their head? Keep smiling, buddy. You’re in first place on the field and in the courtroom.
Packers 38, Giants 35
I don’t want to do the whole “I told you so” thing, but I’ve been saying all year that the Giants need to stop being so conservative and take some chances on both offense and defense. They finally did, and I thought outplayed the Packers and should have won. The refs blew the call on the Greg Jennings touchdown. It was an abysmal call and the four extra points were the difference in the game.
Eli is a great quarterback. He’s not perfect. He still makes mistakes. I just haven’t understood why they’ve put the reins on him all year. They finally opened it up and got that great play by Beckum and lots of other long passes. It also opened up the run game. Bradshaw did as good as can be expected with a broken foot and Jacobs was moving the ball. If anything, I would have liked to see more Jacobs at the end of the game. The O-line held up fairly well considering all the changes as well.
The Giants’ front four was finally able to get some pressure. There seemed to be more blitzes and it kept Rodgers on his toes. They need to work on making sure the quarterback doesn’t run around, though. Considering all the points the Packers scored, I thought the D played pretty well but that last minute drive was horrible. The Packers marched down the field without even breaking a sweat. You have to get the game into overtime.
So the Giants finally looked like a real team again. Getting Bradshaw back was a huge factor, as well as Michael Boley. The injuries need to stop. Every game is now a must-win. Luckily every team ahead of them lost, but the only two games that matter are the Cowboys games. The division is going to come down to that, just like it should.
As I wrote earlier, there’s no chance in hell that Jennifer Lopez cruises around the hood in a Fiat. Turns out I was right. It was revealed that Jen shot her part of this commercial in a Hollywood soundstage while a body double actually did the cruising. There’s a bunch of J. Lo’s in the NFL right now: teams that look competent but have the same chance of winning the Super Bowl as an millionaire diva returning to her roots in a budget Italian car.
The Bills and Chargers have been the two biggest J. Lo’s so far, but they’re not the only ones. How about the Ravens, Falcons, Jets, or even the Patriots? I’ll guarantee you that one isn’t as good as we all think they are. The real trick is being able to sniff out which one before the reveal. Pick time, kids.
TITANS AT BILLS (-2.5)
Stone: Titans
Slumdeezy: Bills
Rory: Titans
Screw the Bills.
DP Animal: Titans
A potentially resurgent CJ2K against that woeful Buffalo defense seems like a solid bet.
Phanatic: Titans
You know my new rule.
CHIEFS AT BEARS (-6.5)
Stone: Chiefs
Slumdeezy: Bears
Rory: Bears
Hooray! Basketball is back!
DP Animal: Bears
There are so many bad QBs in the NFL right now.
Phanatic: Bears
Expectations are a tricky thing, even if they form the lifeblood of any sports fan. The buildup to a season is all about establishing your expectations for your team: maybe this will be THE year, maybe we’ll make the playoffs, maybe the young guys will show some promise, maybe we’ll be so bad we get a high draft pick, and so on. Of course, expectations can (and often do) change over the course of the season.
Some of the most fun to be had as a sports fan is when your team exceeds your expectations. I still have tremendously fond memories of the 2004-2005 Sonics, a team that came out of basically nowhere to go 52-30 and take the eventual champion Spurs to a sixth game despite being without their second-best player for the series. Sure, there were Sonics teams that won more games, where the expectation heading into the season was higher, but they had a nasty habit of losing in the first round of the playoffs (now is the time when I tell Dikembe Mutumbo to go fuck himself).
The point is, the surprise is what makes a team memorable, at least in my eyes. I’m sure Packers fans are enjoying this season a great deal, but I have to imagine that it’s hard to feel the same way about the team that they did last year, when everything came together at the right time. Football of late has shown that as long as you can hang around the playoff picture, you might be able to put it together just in time to make a run to the Super Bowl, as the Steelers, Giants, Cardinals, and Packers have all done in recent years.
It’s that reason why this Seahawks team has been so unusual. I privately harbored mild expectations coming into this year: I figured that so long as Tarvaris Jackson wasn’t terrible (and by and large he hasn’t been), the offense would improve as the season went along, and the defense would likely be good enough that the team would hang around an otherwise unimpressive NFC West race until December at least. Well, the 49ers have somewhat ruined that idea, but the fact remains that the Seahawks are basically what I expected them to be: occasionally good, usually mediocre, and sometimes terrible.
What no one expected is that they’d come into this game arguably a better team than the Eagles. While I wasn’t exactly handing the Lombardi Trophy over to Andy Reid before the season started, it was hard to picture a team as theoretically dynamic as the Eagles not even sniffing the playoffs. If you’d asked me before hand to envision a scenario in which they were out of playoff contention in November, it would have involved season-ending injuries to several key players. While obviously Vick, Jackson, Maclin, and others have all missed some time, that hasn’t been the case overall. Instead, those guys just haven’t been very good.
So of course whenever the general projection goes awry, the immediate response on the part of most folks is to look for a simple answer: “The Eagles were too cocky,” “Reid is a terrible coach,” “Vick isn’t a winner,” and so on. Of course, in sports as in life, there are no simple answers. While the “Dream Team” quotes were premature and stupid, they also came from the back-up QB, meaning it’s hard to claim that everyone on the team just assumed they’d win the Super Bowl. Similarly, while Andy Reid has his (obvious) flaws, that franchise has been one of the best in the league for his entire tenure. He’ll probably be sent packing this offseason, if not before, and maybe that’s for the best: in the end, even great coaches wear out their welcome, but the few smart Philly fans out there would do well to remember him as the coach that had their team in the playoffs almost every year, something few others can boast.
In reality, it seems that the biggest problem with the Eagles is that many of their supposed star players were never that good to begin with. Despite the highlights, neither DeSean Jackson nor Jeremy Maclin are a real number one receiver: both lack the size to go over the middle consistently, and they’re both extremely fragile. LeSean McCoy may be the real deal, but the team seems hesitant to put the ball in his hands 20-25 times a game with regularity.
Defensively, the presumed dominance of Nnamdi Asomugha, Asante Samuel, and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie has failed to manifest, and the front four, despite big-name free agent signings, has been underwhelming. In fact, despite perhaps 1/1000th of the hype, the Seahawks have the better defense according to most advanced metrics. Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
So you have two teams that have arrived at tonight’s game with identical 4-7 records, but completely opposite journeys. The Seahawks have mixed occasional exciting and tantalizing wins over teams like the Ravens and Giants with frustrating losses, like last week’s to the Redskins. The Eagles’ losses are a bit more explicable (outside of Arizona), but outside of the beatdown applied to Dallas, they’ve never looked like the world-beaters many expected coming in to the year. Even if they leave Seattle with a win, they’re looking at a long and difficult climb back into a playoff race that might have already lapped them.
For the Seahawks, meanwhile, this game marks an opportunity to show a national audience that some of the pieces of a future playoff team are in place here as well as a chance to heap a bit more humiliation on a team that might well be ready to quit on its season. Oh yeah, and a chance for me to talk a bit of shit to Phanatic, and really who can’t get behind that?
Here’s are our picks for tonight’s game.
DREAM TEAM (-2.5) AT SEAHAWKS
Stone: Seahawks
Slumdeezy: Dream Team
Rory: Seahawks
DP Animal: Seahawks
Phanatic: Dream Team
CURRENT RECORDS
Rory: 96-74 (Last week: 8-7)
Stone: 96-74 (11-4)
Slumdeezy: 92-78 (8-7)
DP Animal: 84-86 (8-7)
Phanatic: 82-88 (7-8)
Saints 49, Giants 24
A big part of the Giants’ decline has been injuries. There’s no denying that. With a full squad, they play a much more competitive game last night. At the same time, they’ve failed to adequately adapt, both personnel wise and mentally. I don’t want to rehash last night’s game because it was ugly. The Saints are an offensive juggernaut and a smart team on top of it, so I knew the Giants’ weaknesses would be exploited, and they were. A lot.
The defensive line, once their biggest strength, again failed to make any headway, and the playcalling was again too conservative. The Giants won the Super Bowl and stopped the greatest offense of all-time not by playing perfect coverage but by bringing different types of blitzes. When you do that, it doesn’t matter how good the quarterback is or how banged up your secondary is, you’re not going to let the offense get into a flow like they did last night and the past few games.
On the O side, it was again the same story. Brandon Jacobs ran a little better but he still goes side-to-side way too much. When he barrels into the line, he’s going to pick up a few yards no matter what. When he goes to the sidelines, he doesn’t have the same effect. Even when all he does is hit the other players on defense hard, it softens them up for future plays.
Still, the Giants were content to go with their standard running game and 10- to 20-yard pass plays. I know they were shorthanded but it’s so easy for the defense when you don’t spread the field with a big play every once in a while. The one time they did, Cruz got open and scored a big touchdown. That first interception was also a killer. Eli made a decent throw but it was a bit short, Ballard mistimed his jump, and the defender made a great play. When you blow a touchdown that early, it sets a bad tone for the rest of the game. The Packers are next and while it would be safe to assume the game will be similar to this one, hopefully the Giants will be more freewheeling and play to win instead of not to lose.
I went 3-10 last week. Frankly, I don’t deserve to write anything about making picks so here’s Rory:
So, now that I’m in first place, Keith wants me to do an introduction to the picks. He said that I could write about the NBA. But you know what this really is? An invitation to jinx myself! Clearly, he’s frightened of my amazing picking skills, and wants me to write something bragging about how smart I am. But I won’t do it! I’ll just congratulate Keith for doing so well up to now. Don’t give up, Keith! I’m sure you’ll be back on top soon!
BILLS AT JETS (-8.5)
Stone: Bills
I still think the Jets will win but this is a typical game in which they’d struggle.
Slumdeezy: Jets
Rory: Jets
DP Animal: Jets
Phanatic: Jets
I swore I was done picking the Bills.
BROWNS AT BENGALS (-7.5)
Stone: Bengals
The Browns are abysmal.
Slumdeezy: Bengals
Rory: Bengals
DP Animal: Bengals
Phanatic: Browns
It Turkey Day. Time for stuffing your face and ignoring Grandma while you watch football. This year, I’m thankful we actually have three good games. I can’t remember the last time we even had a decent one. With our luck, they’ll all be blowouts. At least you’ll have more time for Grandma. Picks!
PACKERS (-6.5) AT LIONS
Stone: Lions
Slumdeezy: Packers
Rory: Lions
DP Animal: Packers
Phanatic: Lions
DOLPHINS AT COWBOYS (-6.5)
Stone: Dolphins
Slumdeezy: Cowboys
Rory: Dolphins
DP Animal: Dolphins
Phanatic: Cowboys
49ERS AT RAVENS (-2.5)
Stone: Ravens
Slumdeezy: Ravens
Rory: 49ers
DP Animal: Ravens
Phanatic: Ravens
CURRENT RECORDS
Rory: 88-67 (Last week: 7-6)
Stone: 85-70 (3-10)
Slumdeezy: 84-71 (9-4)
DP Animal: 76-79 (8-5)
Phanatic: 75-80 (8-5)
Dream Team 17, Giants 10
The Walking Dead has a great premise and a ton of potential. The six episodes of the first season were action-packed and fast-moving. Then, it stopped. Actually it didn’t stop. It just started moving very sloooooooooowly. It’s like the writers said, “Hey, we have a cool show here. People like zombies. Let’s stretch the second season out for 13 episodes, and add some more dialogue. That’s exactly what people want to see on a show about zombies! More dialogue!”
The Giants coaching staff must be big fans of The Walking Dead. The team has a lot of talent, but seem content not using it. If you’re running a show about zombies, let’s see some dismembering. If you’re running a football team, lets see some touchdowns. Just because you have something good on your hands, doesn’t mean you can sit back and expect success.
The Giants are never going to reach the next level if they’re not playing to win. The play calling has been so conservative this year. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse every week. I’m sick of running on 2nd and 8. The offensive line was flat out bad yesterday. Try to be a little creative. Hey, I know! How about a screen pass? How about Eli just chucks it 50 yards and hopes that Manningham comes down with it? It’s better than Brandon Jacobs crashing into the line and getting two yards a play. You have to keep the defense on their toes.
And where did the defensive line go? Vince Young looked awful at the start of the game. Just keep blitzing him. The Giants have never been a good coverage team. Their strength has always been not only rushing the passer, but bringing different types of pressure to keep him off guard. They did none of that yesterday. Young had time to get comfortable and by the end of the game, he was zinging the ball through in the middle of the field and was able to take advantage of the guys filling in at linebacker.
Of course, Eli still had the crew looking like they were going to send things to overtime, but there was just one offensive line gaffe too many. It’s like when I was in college, I used to always wait till the last second to write my papers. Most of the time, they were great, but every once in a while, I just ran out the time and had to hand in a piece of shit. Time ran out yesterday.
The Giants can’t be happy with mediocrity. They’re better than most of the teams they’ve player. They need to loosen up and take some chances. It’s not like they practiced the Helmet Catch beforehand. Pretty soon they really will be the walking dead.
As I was leaving the Stadium, I got stuck on the escalator behind a Santa Claus-looking guy with his shirt off. His entire back was tattooed with an enormous Eagles logo, uniform numbers, and various events in their history. I was forced to look at this the whole way down. It wasn’t a pleasant way to end the night.
Whatcha gonna do when Tebowmania runs wild on you?
With Tebowmania running rampant around the country and dare I say, the world, my buddy Matt takes a look at the phenomenon and how Tebow compares to a certain icon from the past:
The babyfaced athletic hero takes the stage with great fanfare. Women and children scream for him. Grown men wear his outfit. The air is thick with anticipation of the history that is about to unfold. But then our hero spends most of the contest looking entirely inferior to the competition, bringing virtually nothing to the table. He makes his adversaries gain a sense of superiority, makes neutral observers scoff, and makes even some of his backers start to question why they bothered investing their emotions in this guy in the first place. Yet like clockwork, just when all hope seems to be lost, it happens. Our moribund hero springs to life and lets loose in a storm of fury on his tiring opponent. In the blink of an eye, it is over. Somehow, in the closing minutes our hero made a remarkable rally and added to his growing legend. Music blares over the PA and fans go wild as he assumes his trademark pose, victorious.
If the character we know as Timothy Richard Tebow didn’t exist, someone would have to create it. As it turns out, someone already did create it more than a quarter-century ago. But in its initial incarnation, the character wasn’t an NFL quarterback named Tim Tebow. He was a WWF wrestler named Hulk Hogan.
As I watched Tebow lead the Broncos on their improbable game-winning drive Thursday night, culminating in a 20-yard touchdown run to upset the Jets 17-13, I began searching through my memory. Precisely who did this unorthodox (perhaps that’s the wrong word given his devout faith) phenom remind me of? We hear a lot of Doug Flutie comparisons, but that doesn’t quite fit. As anyone who’s ever seen film of his Hail Mary pass to beat Miami while at Boston College can attest, Flutie had a fantastic arm. He had trouble getting a crack at a NFL starting job not due to a lack of arm, but a lack of height.
I realized that I had never seen a quarterback quite like Tebow, that I’d need to search outside the world of football to find an apt comparison. And finally, it hit me. Tim Tebow is the closest thing the NFL has ever seen to the Hulkster.
Before his public life degenerated into aging, balding, wrinkled, steroid-addled, reality show-starring, womanizing, wife-divorcing farce, Hogan was a cartoonish grappler who inspired kids across America to do the right thing. Clearly, the mid 1980’s were a different era in both the WWF and our nation for this situation (pro wrestler as role model) to even be possible. His mantra to America’s youth was to “train, say your prayers and eat your vitamins.” The children watching him didn’t imagine the “vitamins” to mean steroids. We assumed he meant Flintstones chewables, especially the purple Dino shapes. Those were tasty.
Tebow’s persona is similarly straight out of a comic book. I’m tempted to call him a throwback, but to what? He’s a throwback to a past that never existed even in the popular imagination. Perhaps baseball superstars were once imagined to be as wholesome as peanut butter on whole wheat with a glass of milk, but quarterbacks were generally rough-hewn gladiators at best. At worst, you’d expect them to show up drunk on national TV asking Suzy Kolber to kiss them.
With more than two decades since his heyday to blur the memories, it would be easy to recall Hogan’s character in the ring as that of an irresistible force. We remember the bulging eyes, the driving “Real American” entrance music, the yellow shirt ripping off as if it were effortless. But here’s the thing: Hogan almost always struggled through his matches. In fact, he often brought virtually nothing to the table. He was a big, muscular guy to be sure, but if Mel Kiper Jr. scouted 80’s WWF wrestlers Hogan would’ve been given the dreaded “tweener” tag. He would have underwhelmed at the combine. He had decent size for the WWF, but was no Andre the Giant or Big John Studd. He never was particularly quick on his feet. I’m fairly certain the Ultimate Warrior could have destroyed him in a bench-press competition. And he had no aerial moves anywhere near the class of a “Macho Man” Randy Savage or a Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.
Normally, I’d make fun of this kid for being the epitome of a Jets fan, but he’s smarter than at least 90% of the Jets fans out there. Plus, he knows the Giants are going to trounce the Jets. The real tool here is Mom. The pain a sports fan endures after a tough loss is private. You can’t go putting it up on YouTube. Mom doesn’t even sound like she cares. Don’t talk to the kid like he lost an action figure, his team just blew a game with serious playoff implications!
As a kid, all you worry about is wins and losses. You don’t care that all you picks hit, or your fantasy team did well, or even if the rookie running back had a nice game. When you lose you feel like crying. Fortunately, we’re not little kids. Well, Phanatic is. Sometimes when you’re making your picks, you get caught up in which team is going to win.
For instance, this week the Lions are favored by 6.5 points at home against the Panthers. I’d say they have a pretty good shot at winning. That doesn’t make them a good pick. Don’t forget about those points. Even if you can realistically imagine that the Panthers can pull it out, which I think they can since the Lions don’t have much of a running game, it’s a smart play to take the points. Even Mom could figure that out. Pick time!
BILLS AT DOLPHINS (-1.5)
Stone: Bills
Slumdeezy: Bills
Rory: Bills
There is a little too much riding on the momentum of both teams in this line. I don’t think the Bills are as bad as they’ve been the last couple weeks, and vice versa.
DP Animal: Dolphins
Buffalo has massive problems on defense, and the offense is no longer a threat to score 30 points a game. Meanwhile, the Dolphins have returned to a level of not-terribleness.
Phanatic: Dolphins
Done picking the Bills.
BENGALS AT RAVENS (-6.5)
Stone: Bengals
Slumdeezy: Ravens
Rory: Ravens
DP Animal: Ravens
No team this year has been as schizophrenic as the Ravens, mixing in two wins over long-time rival Pittsburgh with losses to Jacksonville and Seattle. Still, they’re at home, and they have a chance to seize control of the division with a win, which means I expect the good version to show up.
Phanatic: Bengals
Ravens can’t cover a 6.5 spread.
Rainman Suite 