The stage is set. Three teams each from the guys and the girls took on an enormous mountain with $100,000 going to the winners and nothing for the losers. JoshyBananas, SnatchWalnuts, and BoozySleazy joined me in the Suite for this momentous occasion. Here’s what transpired.
9:57-Farrah from Teen Mom is hot. I need to start watching that show.
9:59-They play a preview of the finale. Looks like it’s going to be crazier than we expected. The mountain is huge and for some reason, they’re camping out in the wilderness. Oh, and puking.
10:03-The competitors are going to have to carry a heavy concrete ball with them the whole time. That’s not going to be fun. Ev and Paula struggle with theirs while Laurel picks it up like a volleyball. Cara Maria wants to name it “Rocky.” Good to know she’s focused. Rocky should date the Abram pillow.
10:04-Johnny Bananas and Tyler finish canoeing a bit behind Kenny and Wes. They change from their wetsuits into running outfits. Somehow a bandana appears out of nowhere for Bananas to wear. As Tim Gunn would tell you, “It’s all about the accessories.”
10:05-The kids have to memorize a campsite setup down to the smallest detail for later in the game. It’s Mike Mike’s time to shine!
10:07-The next activity involves moving dirt from a pile into a trough. Looks like the producers figured out a way to have somebody do their chores for them. This is the smartest idea since Mr. Miyagi made Daniel-san paint his fence and wax his car.
Cara Maria Sorbello has two loves in life: her horse and her boyfriend, Abram. She’s a bit of a flake but she’s managed to make it to the Finals of Rivals. She’s actually quite hot but she’s one of the few chicks on the show that doesn’t get consistently blasted and starts taking her clothes off and start hooking up. It’s a shame. She’s got a great bod. She also likes to dress in leather and use her whip on anyone who’s been naughty. Better watch your back, Wes. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Jenn with 2 n’s, or Jenn Grijalva if you’re not cool like me, is what every other girl on The Challenge should aspire to be. She’s athletically competitive, will hook up with any guy or girl on a whim, and isn’t afraid to get into a fight at the drop of a hat after a night of drinking. Plus, great fake tits. She should be on the show every season. You never know what’s she’s going to do and that’s what makes it so damn exciting. I simultaneously want to hook up with her and have her punch me in the face, all while we’re dangling 30 feet over a lake. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
It’s finally time to find out who’s gonna win this bitch. Three teams are left for the guys, three teams are left for the chicks. The Finals have already begun but there’s still a long way to go. A long, long way to go. Let’s handicap the remaining teams, shall we?
Guys
Johnny Bananas & Tyler (3 to 2) Johnny and Tyler have established a bit of a lead through the canoeing portion of the Finals. They’re also the team with the best chemistry, something that shouldn’t be overrated. There’s no greater motivation when undertaking an extreme physical activity than when you’re doing it for a friend. However, Tyler is competing against doctor’s wishes after getting sick and both guys must be worn out after the brutal beating they received at the hands of CT in the final Jungle. Not what you want when you’re about to climb a mountain.
Kenny & Wes (4 to 1) This team is collectively the most physically fit but something has been missing all season. They obviously didn’t work out their hatred for one another during the taping of their 7-11 commercials. Kenny has been performing below average and Wes has done nothing but take passive aggressive shots at him. I’m also worried about Wes’s endurance. It’s been a problem in the past. These two geniuses might have trouble solving puzzles along the way as well, considering they didn’t even get in their canoe the right way.
Mike Mike & Roy Lee (25 to 1) Poor Roy Lee. His first partner got kicked off the show almost before the cameras started rolling and now he has to climb a mountain with the willing-yet-unable Mike Mike. I like these guys. I really do, but I think the question isn’t if they will win but if they will finish within an hour of the winners. That’s the only reason they made the Finals in the first place. Nobody thought they were much of a threat so they kept moving on. We’ll have to see if that strategy works.
Sluts
Cara Maria & Laurel (3 to 1) Laurel is such a dominating figure on the women’s side. I have no doubt she will do great in the Finals, but how will Cara Maria do without her Abram pillow? I’m also worried how this team will do if it really does come down to the wire. Laurel is a competitive freak and Cara Maria constantly needs somebody to give her support. Not a good match.
Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (6 to 1) After eight Challenges, maybe Paula finally has the hang of this thing. Her and Ev started out the Finals surprisingly well but you know there’s that big mountain waiting for them. Paula is supposedly a good runner but she’s just so damn unlucky. Then again, she has extra motivation to end the streak and show up Laurel for all the shit-talking she did in Buenos Aires.
Jenn with 2 n’s & Mandi (69 to 1) They couldn’t even steer the canoe in a straight line. We’ll be lucky if they cross the finish line before end of the show. T.J. may just leave them in Patagonia.
Tomorrow night after the finale be on the lookout for a running diary of what is shaping up to be an awesome finish to Rivals.
This is what Challenge Week is all about. For the Duel II intro, the competitors performed the Haka dance for the opening credits, which is indigenous to New Zealand where the show was being held. The result is an intense, hilarious display highlighted by Evan’s strong opening and Nick’s Jordan-esque tongue. Less than a day later, they were all goofing off in footy pajamas when CT punched his future partner Adam in the face in one of the greatest moments in Challenge history. Luckily they eventually reconciled and became friends.
Joshy Bananas took some time out from playing flip cup with his bros to throw in his two cents as to what makes The Challenge so special:
The Challenge is great. No denying that. But is it greater than any other epic reality show?
Yes, because as any true Challenge fan will tell you, The Challenge can be used as a litmus test to determine who can become a friend of yours in the real world (not reality, but the real world—and not The Real World, but the real world).
Whenever I meet a new person, if we ever happen to discuss The Challenge and we both mention our epic fandom, an instant kinship is formed. This is because if a person likes this show, they also like: fun, insanity, competition, fratiness, chillness.
That’s chill in my book, broooooo.
Basically, if you know that CT is the best athlete known to man, we can be friends. Siiiiiiiick!
Evelyn likes to keep it under the Challenge radar, but she’s got a wild side that comes out when you least expect it. The girl can’t help it that she’s too focused on winning to get drunk and hook up. Plus, she already made out with half the chicks on the show already. Ev is one of the fiercest competitors, as evidenced this season by her virtuoso performance. She got Paula Walnuts into the Finals and if she can get Paula to the winner’s circle, in my eyes that makes her the greatest female in Challenge history. And the whole liking girls thing helps. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
T.J. Lavin doesn’t like quitters. In fact, Challenge competitors that give it their all get him quite sexually aroused. There’s one in particular that really does it for T.J. This person has won four different Challenges. No one else has more than three. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and you’re safe from the Jungle this week. The answer, as always, is after the jump.
Who is the only competitor to win four Challenges? (and a hint: it is not Paula Walnuts)
Welcome to Challenge Week. To celebrate Wednesday’s Rivals finale, we’re going to be doing features all week to celebrate the greatest reality TV show of all-time. Stay tuned for predictions on Tuesday, a running diary on Wednesday, and final power rankings on Thursday. This season has been great and Wednesday promises to be a fight to the finish. As T.J. would say, they killed it.
“I’m gonna truck through that place like a train.”—CT
Wow, I need a cigarette. This week, we learned that the fun and games have officially ended and redemption is spelled “B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” The T-Bone may have been the most brutal competition in the show’s history. Not only did the players have to go up and down some pretty steep inclines but they also faced the prospect of colliding with the beast train CT at full-speed. And so, the remaining three guys teams and three girls teams headed to Patagonia (“Is that a country or a region?”) for the most intense physical and mental challenge of their life. Who will be the last one left standing? Onto the rankings:
Guys
1. Johnny Bananas & Tyler (Last Week: 4) Johnny and Tyler epitomize everything that Rivals is all about. They didn’t like or trust each other much to begin with but in order to defeat CT, they needed to have ultimate confidence in one another. In doing so, their bond is stronger than ever and is one of the reasons they have to be considered favorites. They might even love each other now. No homo. Well, Tyler is. And Johnny finally avenged the most embarrassing elimination ever.
What guts by Tyler to get up after being absolutely crushed by CT. I don’t like to overstate things but when he and Adam were both on their final ball and fell on top of each other, it was by far the most dramatic moment in television history. I haven’t had goosebumps like that since Rocky and Apollo were struggling to pull themselves up the ropes at the end of Rocky II.
2. Kenny & Wes (LW: 2) I don’t get Wes’s beef with Cara Maria. Sure, she’s a little annoying. It doesn’t mean you have to make her cry. How can you say she’s not deep enough when you’re about as deep as a kiddie pool? Just ignore her, Ronald McDonald. It’s more important to focus on getting in the canoe the right way.
3. Mike Mike & Roy Lee (LW: 1) I like these guys but there’s no way they can win. Is there? It’s not a good sign when your planning for the Finals involves considering walking. I’m going to miss this team for their awkward bro love and Mike Mike’s awesome interviews. Despite the fact that they’re in dead last in the Finals so far, the kid still thinks they’re gonna win. Rookie!
ELIMINATED-Adam & CT Raise your hand if you saw this one coming. Yeah right. CT looked like a man possessed, like Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, and the Loch Ness Monster combined being released from their cage. I was seriously concerned he was going to kill somebody even before stepping in the ring with Johnny and Tyler. The real lesson here is never fall in love on The Challenge. Jenn with 2 n’s wasn’t even rooting for Adam and Laurel is perhaps the only reason why the show didn’t have its first decapitation this season.
You would figure that a competition that involved colliding with your opponents at high speeds would favor CT, but alas his entertaining and frightening reign comes to an end. It was refreshing that he was neither intimidated nor conformed to any alliances and hopefully will be back in the future to wreak havoc and rip people’s faces off. To be honest, the most frightened I’ve ever been of him when was he was crying after losing. It’s like Winston Churchill said, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself and CT.”
Adam needs to do some squats at the gym. Gotta get up that hill at the end, bro!
Sluts
1. Evelyn & Paula Walnuts (LW: 2) These are the only girls with their eyes on the prize. Ev is a veteran while Paula is trying to overcome her previous eight Challenge failures. I still don’t know if they have what it takes to overcome the athleticism of Laurel and Cara Maria.
2. Cara Maria & Laurel (LW: 3) Laurel is an Amazon and will do fine with or without CT. Plus she cooks a mean breakfast. Cara Maria finally stood up to Wes and hopefully her newfound confidence will help her in the Finals. It’s just a shame she can’t bring her Abram pillow with her.
3. Jenn with 2 n’s and Mandi (LW: 1) Jenn with 2 n’s earns alliance points for rooting for Johnny and Tyler but none of that matters now, especially since her and Mandi can’t seem to canoe in a straight line. It’s not looking good for these two who already have a significant amount of ground to make up and all Mandi wants to do is scratch her nose. TJ does not like the effort.
Keep reading next week for finale predictions, power rankings, and a running diary.
Rainman Suite 
