Sports Show With Norm MacDonald on Comedy Central is basically Norm MacDonald doing Weekend Update but with only sports stories. In other words, it’s awesome. Norm is irreverent, hilarious, and tells it like it is. Dude cuts through the BS and isn’t afraid about breaking a few eggs, whether he’s making fun of Tiger Woods or Barry Bonds’s testicles. The show goes pretty quickly and is great for sports fans and non-sports fans alike. It’s a phenomenal recap of the lighter side of the week of sports. I like Norm because he’s mean but he’s only mean to the people that really deserve it. I never knew he was into sports but he knows his stuff. It definitely tops Sports Soup. If you’re a fan or just want to be, Sports Show is a must-see.
The Rangers played great for 54 minutes. Unfortunately, hockey games last 60 minutes (and sometimes more). King Henrik was at his best in goal and the posts were working in the Blueshirts’ favor but they still couldn’t steal Game 1. Washington is such a fast team and had a ton of chances to score. They came out fast at the beginning of the game and the Rangers weathered the storm. Michal Neuvirth did a lot better than I expected. His reflexes were quick and he stopped most of the Rangers’ best chances. The one goal he allowed was a great one, though. Brandon Prust did a nice job controlling the puck, Wojtek Wolski made an excellent pass, and Matt Gilroy took a hell of a shot. It was a lot more impressive than the goal by Washington in regulation. I felt like Ovechkin and Semin were allowed to stroll into the crease and stuff the puck in. The final result is frustrating but hopefully will give the Rangers confidence that they are just as good as the Capitals. The Blueshirts are going to need to score more than one goal to win Game 2 but I think they will come out and play a lot more aggressively now that all the newcomers know what playoff hockey is all about.
Despite finishing the season on an impressive 11-4-1 swing, the Rangers still needed help to make the playoffs. Only after a 6-2 Tampa Bay win over Carolina was it finally time to celebrate. It was that type of year for the Blueshirts. Nothing was ever easy for a young team that had trouble scoring and dealt with a lot of injuries.
The Rangers defense was its strong suit all year. They aren’t the most talented team by far but they might be the most gritty and hard-working. Nobody is afraid to make a hit or block a shot, as evidenced by Ryan Callahan breaking his ankle by taking a Zdeno Chara slapshot in a game the Rangers needed to win. Marc Staal and Dan Girardi elevated their game to become one of the NHL’s best defensive pairings and recently-acquired Bryan McCabe is the quarterback on the power play that the Rangers were missing for years.
Of course, any defense looks great when it’s backed by all-world netminder Henrik Lundqvist. Lundqvist is the only irreplaceable part on the team and was 6th in the NHL in both save percentage and GAA. He also played the least amount of games this year since his rookie year although he’s played in 26 straight games after backup Martin Biron went down with a broken collarbone. Lundqvist should be fresh for the playoffs and if he gets hot, he can take over a playoff series.
The offense is the one big question. Marian Gaborik followed up his 42-goal season with 20 less and nobody has stepped up to fill the void. The Rangers have had games where they exploded for six or seven goals but there have too often been games against weak teams where the Rangers struggle to get anything on the board. Surprisingly, they ranked fifth in the league in goal differential due in large part to the D.
The injuries haven’t helped as Gaborik, Callahan, Chris Drury, Brandon Dubinsky, Vinny Prospal, and Alex Frolov have missed significant time. Before Cally went down, it was the healthiest the team had been all season. Prospal was playing well although Gaborik was struggling to get into the swing of things and hasn’t scored a goal in nine games. Drury returned for the last game of the season and scored a huge goal, his only one of the season. Don’t sleep on the captain. Clutch is his middle name.
The Rangers are one of those teams that plays to the level of their opponent. Teams like that usually struggle in the playoffs. They won the season series against Washington 3-1 but lost games down the stretch to teams playing out the string like the Islanders, Ottawa, and Atlanta. The Capitals are a high-powered team and also enter the playoffs on a hot streak. The key will be staying physical, especially with Alex Ovechkin.
The Rangers’ one big advantage is in net, where the Caps are starting rookie Michal Neuvirth who has played less career games than Lundqvist played this season. Washington also has a history of bombing out in the playoffs and has been eliminated in the first round two of the past three years. That other year they beat the Rangers in seven despite falling in a 3-1 hole.
The Blueshirts and Lundqvist should be able to keep the Capitals from exploding on the score board. The one question is are they going to score goals themselves? The power play, which has scored once in its last 27 tries, needs to come alive. If the Rangers can’t score on Neuvirth, they don’t deserve to be in the playoffs anyway. The Caps are far more talented but the youthful Rangers are built on outworking their opponent. Several Rangers will be making their playoff debut tonight. If they hold their own and play consistently, they’re going to be trouble for any team.
As if there weren’t enough reasons to hate Demi and Ashton, they (and a few of their friends) released a series of videos condemning the child sex trade. Seems like a good cause. The only problem is the videos are stupid and don’t make any sense.
What does Ashton getting new socks have to do with buying girls? I’m sure he could afford some 12-year-old girl from Bangkok to do his laundry for him. I’m just so confused. If they’re saying that guys shouldn’t be taking chicks out to dinner and buying them jewelry anymore, then I’m all in. If they’re saying that I’m a real man because I’ve never bought a child sex slave even though I only have about six chest hairs, then I’m down with too. Other than that, you lost me. I kind of want to buy a child sex slave now just to spite Demi and Ashton. I’ll call her Chun Li and she can sleep on my couch. Who came up with the idea for this video? The Situation?
The Stanley Cup Playoffs might be the most underrated sports event. Nothing matches the intensity of playoff hockey except for overtime playoff hockey. This is the sport that always seems to have the most upsets and is the hardest to predict. I’ll do my best. And remember: a hot goaltender can trump everything. Kinda like having a hot girlfriend.
Eastern Conference
[Editor’s Note: Due to my extreme bias, I am not picking a winner of the Rangers-Caps series] (2) Philadelphia Flyers vs. (7) Buffalo Sabres Stone’s take: The Flyers have struggled recently and Sergei Bobrovsky is a question mark in net. Ryan Miller is not. UPSET ALERT! Prediction: Sabres in 6
(3) Boston Bruins vs. (6) Montreal Canadiens Stone’s take: These teams just plain don’t like each other. The Habs have extra motivation playing for fallen teammate Max Pacioretty. Prediction: Canadiens in 7
(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. (5) Tampa Bay Lightning Stone’s take: The Lightning have a lot of scorers, but the Penguins have the experience. With or without Sidney Crosby. Prediction: Penguins in 6
Western Conference
(1) Vancouver Canucks vs. (8) Chicago Blackhawks Stone’s take: The defending champs snuck into the playoffs while Roberto Luongo and the Sedins have been masterful all year. The Canucks want this after being eliminated by the Hawks the previous two years. Prediction: Canucks in 6
(2) San Jose Sharks vs. (7) Los Angeles Kings Stone’s take: The San Jose Sharks always…quick, help, I’m choking! Prediction: Kings in 7
(3) Detroit Red Wings vs. (6) Phoenix Coyotes Stone’s take: Not having Henrik Zetterberg hurts, but the Wings are still too much for the young Coyotes and their 18 fans. Prediction: Red Wings in 5
(4) Anaheim Ducks vs. (5) Nashville Predators Stone’s Take: This should be a good one. The Quack Attack has the firepower and the Preds have great D and goaltending. Prediction: Ducks in 7
It’s playoff season! That means a lot of things. Glorious victories, heartbreaking defeats, and most of all, hilarious fan videos. Today, I have two very different ones for your enjoyment.
The first comes by way of the Pacific Northwest. Vancouver, to be exact. Some puckheads put together another parody to Rebecca Black’s Friday called Game Day. Not the most original idea but it might be the most well-done. Not that I’ve been watching tons and tons of Rebecca Black parody videos. Let’s just hope they don’t riot too much when the Canucks get bounced from the playoffs.
Second, straight out of Washington Square Park, The Don Cap sings Now With Melo as he explores landmarks around the NYU area. Bonus points for incorporating Go NY Go into the song. Minus points for the autotune. The kid has spunk and I like the fact that he didn’t steal his video from a 12-year-old girl.
In embarking on his Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An OptionTour on top of whatever you would call Sheen’s Korner, his Twitter feed, and all the bizarre antics over the past couple months, Charlie Sheen has fully embraced his reputation as America’s favorite nutcase. As sad as his fall from grace was, it has been the car crash that everyone is slowing down to watch.
It’s been a spectacle for sure. Entertaining, wild, crazy, funny. In a society where everything is so orderly and predictable, you never know what you’re going to get from Charlie and that’s what makes it interesting. One day, he’s chilling with Bree Olson and the other chick at the Sober Valley Lodge and the next day he’s storming the stage of Jimmy Kimmel Live with Mark Cuban.
Charlie is honest and unapologetic and that makes him endearing. He’s exposing his entire being to us, flaws and all. He’s just being himself and he’s a cool dude. Charlie’s the guy that lives next to you freshman year, drinks too much, hooks up with tons of chicks, and somehow gets an A. You could try all your life to be this guy but you never will. You might not want to be him but if you see him at a bar, you’d buy him a shot.
But we liked him because he was just living his life. Somewhere along the line, Charlie realized he could make more money and attain greater fame by sidestepping the media and making his own star. If that’s what people wanted, he could give it to them. Little by little, it became clear. The catchphrases, the appearances, the merchandise. He decided to stop being Charlie Sheen and instead started playing Charlie Sheen.
The only problem is that Charlie’s likeability is based upon his genuine insanity. Insanity is random. It’s not something you can stream on the Internet. It’s no surprise that the longer the act goes on, the more people are booing him off the stage like they did this weekend at Radio City Music Hall. An insane person wouldn’t market himself (or at least do it successfully). We like Charlie as the guy who might run on the court during a Lakers game, snort a line, and then bang Alexis Texas and Tori Black, not the guy that uses hashtags and sells T-shirts. At least Jack Nicholson would be amused.
On an episode of The Simpsons, Bart literally stumbles into superstardom after dropping the line “I didn’t do it” after ruining a sketch on Krusty the Clown’s show. The crowd ate it up and soon Bart was “I Didn’t Do It” Boy, breaking Ming vases and cracking his catchphrase. His popularity grew as audiences awaited calamity, bought “I Didn’t Do It” Boy CD’s (featuring MC Hammer), and watched him strut his stuff on Late Night With Conan O’Brien. Heck, even Mayor “Diamond” Joe Quimby was stealing his phrase. Bart was dubious of the affection but soon decided he would do his absolute best give the people what they want. Of course, when he did so, they weren’t entertained anymore.
The “I Didn’t Do It” Boy saga serves as a precautionary tale for Charlie. He may be reaping the benefits from what he thinks the audience wants, but he will find that it is something else entirely. By serving us all Charlie Sheen on his own terms, he is depriving us all from what we really want: that original lovable train wreck that smoked so much coke that he got a hernia.
We don’t want the canned catch phrases and product placement. That’s why he’s getting such negative reactions at his shows. My mom always told me to be myself. Charlie needs to follow that advice. Be yourself, not a caricature of yourself. Either that, or in 10 years we’re going to be talking about “Winning” Dude.
January Jones plays Betty Draper Francis on Mad Men. People can say all they want about Christina Hendricks and her enormous boobies, but my money’s all on January. She’s actually a very talented actress despite her debacle on Saturday Night Live. She plays an unlikable bitch but you can tell January is a bitch in real life, which makes her even hotter. I love them bitches. I want to buy her jewelry and then have her yell at me. January told the UK edition of Marie Claire, “The bitches in high school were bitches because I was pretty.” So it’s settled, then. Everyone’s a bitch. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
The thing about little brothers is that it’s important to make sure they know their place. When he thinks he’s the man because he just got a driver’s license, hook up with his girlfriend. Tonight, Carmelo is going to make a sex tape with Kim Kardashian. It’s not that I hate the Nets. They’re just inferior and will always be whether they play in Long Island, Piscataway, the Meadowlands, Newark, Seaside Heights, or Brooklyn.
It’s not that their name ends in “-ets.” It’s that they changed it purposely to rhyme with the Mets and Jets. Anytime you’re doing something to copy the Mets and Jets, you might have a problem. Their relevance and legitimacy was done from that moment forward. Yeah, I know the Knicks are named after a piece of clothing. But really, you should have been in the city in the 1600’s. They were all the rage.
While true that the two teams have never played an extremely meaningful game (although Bernard King dropped a franchise-record 60 points on the Nets on Christmas Day 1984), the Knicks have had a major impact on the Nets’ history. In 1976, when the Nets were entering the NBA, the Knicks forced them to pay $4.8 million for entering their territory. The Nets couldn’t afford it and were forced to sell Dr. J. And so, the Knicks deprived the Nets of one of the greatest players the game has ever seen and banished them to the cellar for years.
Even when the Nets were successful and went to the Finals, it was during one of the weakest periods in the NBA, especially the East. The Nets got the 1-seed in 2002 with 52 wins! It was the most wins in franchise history! Three teams have that many in the Eastern Conference this year and there’s still a week left.
Who did the Nets have to go up against during their glory years? Allen Iverson? Paul Pierce? Baron Davis? Scary. The Knicks had Jordan, Bird, the Bad Boys, Shaq, and Alonzo Mourning. Sorry we couldn’t defend homecourt against the ’93 Bulls. Kenyon Martin would have pissed his pants going toe-to-toe with Oak, Mase, and the X-Man. Throw that Knick team in the early 00’s and there wouldn’t be enough room at MSG to hang all the banners.
Our teams actually had personality. It’s not that we think John Starks is the best player alive but he went from stocking shelves in a supermarket in Oklahoma to dunking over Horace Grant and Michael Jordan in a matter of a few years. What could you say about the Nets? Jason Kidd beat his wife. Keith Van Horn was white. Kerry Kittles’s dad danced with the cheerleaders. K-Mart had lips tattooed on his neck.
We might not be the smartest basketball fans. We are smart but the Warriors do have a lot of Asian fans. I would have to say, however, that we’re the most appreciative fans. We see the nuances of the game and let our guys know that their hard work is recognized because New Yorkers are hard-working people. We’d rather see somebody dive out of bounds to save the ball than a spectacular dunk. People from New Jersey are just New Yorkers that can’t handle the hustle and bustle (™Clyde Frazier). They’d rather catch a T-shirt during a timeout than anything.
That’s why I was shocked to hear the Garden is a homecourt disadvantage. Our teams weren’t always better than our opponents but the fans consistently make our guys play better than they’re capable of playing. There’s no way the 4-point play happens if the crowd doesn’t keep it close with deafening chants of “DEEEEEEE-FENSE” throughout the closing minutes.
There’s a myth that the Knicks, especially Patrick Ewing, always choked it up at home. There’s a ton of memorable clutch moments to prove otherwise. Ewing coming back from a sprained ankle to take the Bulls to a Game 7 in ’92. The Dunk. Ewing’s putback to send the Knicks to the ’94 Finals. Ewing’s Game 5 winner in the ’95 Semis. Ewing blocking Tim Hardaway’s last-second shot to put the Knicks up 3-1 in ’97 Semis. The 4-point play. Allan Houston going bonkers to send the Knicks to the ’99 Finals after LJ went down. The list goes on and on. The ’99 Knicks started Chris Fucking Dudley at center in the Finals and they still managed to win a game against the Spurs at the Garden. This was a Spurs team that started David Robinson and Tim Duncan and swept really good Lakers and Blazers teams. I can’t think of a single memorable Nets moment besides going to overtime in Game 5 against the Pacers in ’02 and that was in the first round.
If anything, the Knicks’ problem has been poor timing while the Nets picked exactly the right opportunity to peak. A lot of good it did them. Within a few years, Jason Kidd forced his way out of town and they were challenging for the NBA’s all-time worst record. Their owner used the team to leverage his way to a very, very shady real estate deal in Brooklyn and then sold them to an even shadier guy. At least we know what we’re getting in Jim Dolan. And his music really isn’t that bad. I have to say that his band is the best jazz group I’ve ever seen on YouTube. Proky couldn’t get any free agents and then signed Travis Outlaw to the worst deal of the summer. The only thing more pathetic was the lame billboard they put up on 8th Ave. And Brett Yormark is a douchebag. I just hope for their sake Deron Williams chooses to re-sign. He’d look awfully good in orange and blue. Luckily, the YES Network is actually televising tonight’s Knicks-Nets “game.” I will admit they have the best play-by-play guy in the biz.
Since I am a Knicks fan, which means I’m very classy, I would like to wish the Nets the best of luck in this year’s draft lottery. As for tonight, Melo, and Kim K, it’s just…
[Editor’s note: The Knicks defeated the Nets 116-93]
The Yanks and 0-6 Sox meet for the first time this season over the weekend. There are a plethora of videos out there to commemerate the fact but I went out and picked the best two.
In one corner, Jack Donaghy and Jim Halpert face off over the phone. Alec Baldwin no doubt gets the best in this one (also NBC), while John Krasinski shows his true colors like Sgt. Slaughter joining forces with Saddam Hussein. Bonus points for Baldwin apparently turning into Jack Donaghy in real life.
In the other corner, Yankees superfan Michael LaPayower spoofs Rebecca Black’s Friday. The result is absolute genius. LaPayower gives a virtuoso performance despite suffering from voice immodulation.
Personally, I gotta take LaPayower on this one. KO in the ninth. I mean, he’s Fenway’s most wanted. I’m not going to go against him. The real question is: who ya got?
Rainman Suite 