Rainman Suite

Let’s say you’re having people over for dinner and your girl sends you to the supermarket for vanilla ice cream. It’s about as generic a dessert as it gets. Not great but everyone will eat it, and pretty much all vanilla ice cream tastes the same. Well, only an asshole who doesn’t bet on football would notice any differences, anyway. By definition, it’s vanilla. Now you get to the ice cream aisle and there are two brands of vanilla. One costs $5 and the other costs $6. Which one are you going to choose? Obviously the $5 brand.

Last week, the Seahawks were giving 3.5 points to the Rams on the road. Both teams had 1 win (2 for Seattle if you count the Refpocalypse) and were as vanilla as it gets. However, the Hawks had all the hype from Monday night and Russell Wilson’s magic and became favorites against a team with a legit home-field advantage. Sure, Seattle’s finest was probably a better tasting vanilla, but fuck it if I wasn’t going to pay more for it.

The game was a mediocre affair on both sides and St. Louis prevailed on a couple of bombs from their kicker Greg the Leg and some special teams trickery. The lesson? Avoid the hype. Vanilla is vanilla. Don’t pay extra for it. And if you ask me, the Vikings are looking pretty vanilla this week with some nice purple sprinkles on top. I’m hungry. Let’s make some picks.

FALCONS (-3.5) AT REDSKINS
Stone: Redskins
The Redskins always keep it tight at home.

Slumdeezy: Redskins

DRK: Redskins

Rory: Falcons
Seriously?  One of the best teams in the league against one of the worst?  Yes, please!

DP Animal: Falcons

Phanatic: Falcons

EAGLES AT STEELERS (-3.5)
Stone: Steelers
Oh, Lawrence Tynes, why couldn’t your leg be a tiny bit stronger?

Slumdeezy: Eagles

DRK: Steelers

Rory: Steelers
Either the Steelers win this game big, or the Eagles win by 1 point. I feel the Eagles are about due to show their true colors.

DP Animal: Steelers
This is a huge game for Pittsburgh: if they get Polamalu, Harrison, and Mendenhall back and still struggle, the questions will get awfully loud.

Phanatic: Eagles
Clearly they like to nestle up in those close games and this will be no different.

SEAHAWKS AT PANTHERS (-3.5)
Stone: Seahawks
Vanilla.

Slumdeezy: Seahawks

DRK: Panthers

Rory: Panthers
I hate this game.  Boo on Keith for making us pick this.

DP Animal: Panthers
Well, it only took four games, but we once again have a QB controversy in Seattle. I won’t bore you with the long rant I have planned, but suffice it to say that while Russell Wilson has not played particularly well, the Seahawks have also run an offense that would be at home in the 1970s. You simply can’t win in the modern NFL only throwing the ball 35% of the time.

Phanatic: Panthers
Boring.

BRONCOS AT PATRIOTS (-7.5)
Stone: Broncos
Peyton has a lot to prove in this one.

Slumdeezy: Broncos

DRK: Patriots

Rory: Patriots
I feel last week the Patriots definitely got their mojo back.

DP Animal: Broncos
I wonder what the storyline heading into this game will be?

Phanatic: Broncos
They’ll at least cover, with Peyton helping his team play over their potential and Brady under-performing this season except against the lowly Bills.

CHARGERS AT SAINTS (-3.5)
Stone: Chargers
I don’t get why Payton and Loomis get to go to this game. Isn’t part of their punishment that they’re not allowed to be a part of potential moments like this?

Slumdeezy: Chargers

DRK: Saints

Rory: Chargers
Everyone realizes the Saints aren’t very good, right?

DP Animal: Chargers
It’s pretty amazing that the 0-4 Saints are favored (by 3.5, no less) over the 3-1 Chargers.

Phanatic: Chargers
I think I’ll take the Saints as my new team never to pick no matter what.  Last year it was the Bills…Saints welcome to the club!

TEXANS (-9.5) AT JETS
Stone: Texans
This is the Drago-Creed of Monday Night games.

Slumdeezy: Jets

DRK: Texans

Rory: Texans
Tebow begins this week.

DP Animal: Texans
The Jets suck.

Phanatic: Texans
By 24.

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 16-8 (Last week: 4-2)
DP Animal 13-11 (2-4)
Rory: 12-12 (2-4)
Slumdeezy: 11-13 (1-5)
DRK: 11-13 (4-2)
Phanatic: 10-14 (3-3)

Last week’s picks

After the wild ending Monday night, my first reaction wasn’t anger, empathy, or even joy at seeing a conference rival lose a controversial game. Maybe I’m a cocksucker but I just found it so hilarious that the saga of the replacement referees had likely concluded with the butchering of a game-changing (and possibly season-changing) final play call on national TV. Really, what were the odds of that happening? You knew the outrage was coming. Twitter was going to explode. Herm Edwards would need to be resuscitated multiple times. And of course, those Packers fans all over the country. Here’s what one of my friends wrote on Facebook after the game:

“That is officially (no pun intended) the worst call I have ever seen in a ‘professional’ football game. There were also two absolutely ridiculous calls that went against the Packers on a crucial earlier drive (defensive pass interference, roughing the passer that negated an interception) in addition to a flag on almost every play of the second half. These referees should be ashamed of themselves. Anyone who has ever bought real estate from that “head official” should be ashamed of himself. I am livid. There is no way that result should stand. No way in Hell. I cannot begin to express how unimaginably pissed I am.

Slumdeezy: Falcons

DRK: Panthers

Rory: Falcons
As I said last week, I’m riding the wings of the Falcons!

DP Animal: Falcons
They do everything well, and Cam Newton looks lost at QB right now.

Phanatic: Falcons

49ERS (-4.5) AT JETS
Stone: Jets
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: the Jets always come through when you least expect it. I got them winning.

Slumdeezy: 49ers

DRK: Jets

Rory: 49ers
Vengeance week for Harbaugh.

DP Animal: Jets
They’ll dearly miss Revis, but the 49ers aren’t the team to exploit his absence.

Phanatic: 49ers

SEAHAWKS (-3.5) AT RAMS
Stone: Rams
The Seahawks have been getting a lot of press lately, but I just don’t they’re that much better than the Rams.

Slumdeezy: Seahawks
Russell Wilson is the most interesting QB in the league.

DRK: Rams

Rory: Seahawks
After a tough loss at home, I expect the Seahawks to bounce back.  Wait, what?

DP Animal: Seahawks
Two thoughts. First, leaving aside the end of the game for a second, the Seahawks defense had a coming-out party on Monday night. They’re as good as anyone in the league right now. Second, Golden Tate has a knack for getting away with theft.

Phanatic: Rams
I hope the Seahawks get Seahawked.

SAINTS AT PACKERS (-7.5)
Stone: Saints
They may be winless but the Aints ain’t bad.

Slumdeezy: Packers
Just playing the spread here.

DRK: Saints

Rory: Packers
Another vengeance game. Also, it turns out Sean Payton was a good coach. Who knew?

DP Animal: Packers
A matchup of the two biggest victims of Roger Goodell’s tyranny.

Phanatic: Packers

GIANTS AT EAGLES (-1.5)
Stone: Giants
It’s time to put these dogs out of their misery.

Slumdeezy: Giants
During football season, my blood bleeds blue.

DRK: Giants

Rory: Giants
Every time I feel super-confident about the Giants, they lose. So let’s just say, I think the Eagles will win, but not cover the spread.

DP Animal: Giants
This Eagles team is bad.

Phanatic: Eagles
Gotta.

BEARS AT COWBOYS (-3.5)
Stone: Bears
The Boys go up and down more than a see saw.

Slumdeezy: Cowboys

DRK: Bears

Rory: Bears
I still don’t believe in this Cowboys team.

DP Animal: Bears

Phanatic: Bears
With the cover.

CURRENT STANDINGS
Stone: 12-6 (Last week: 3-3)
DP Animal: 11-7 (4-2)
Rory: 10-8 (3-3)
Slumdeezy: 10-8 (4-2)
DRK: 7-11 (1-5)
Phanatic: 7-11 (2-4)

Last week’s picks

Principal Dick Belding, fresh off being terminated from Bayside High for sexual harassment, was the guest commissioner (some might say replacement commissioner) at a Pro Wrestling Syndicate event last week in New Jersey. Just like when Zack was pulling one of his stunts, Belding didn’t shit from anybody and even slammed a wrestler who dared to disobey him.

It’s clear now that Roger Goodell isn’t getting the job done as Commissioner of the NFL, so I say replace him with Belding. If we can replace the refs, why can’t we replace the Commish? There’s no way Belding would let Bountygate get this out of hand. He’d be like, “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?” and then give Jonathan Vilma Saturday detention with Mr. Tuttle. Concussion lawsuits getting out of hand? Let’s whip up some Screech’s spaghetti sauce and use the proceeds for a settlement. There’s no way the NFL is crazier than Bayside. Do you think Ray Lewis ever started a telephone advice line and accidentally manipulated Joe Flacco’s little sister to fall in love with him? All I know is if I see these refs calling pass interference indiscriminately any more, I’m going to lose it. Now let’s make some picks.

RAMS AT BEARS (-7.5)
Stone: Rams
Sam Bradford is secretly having a very good season.

Slumdeezy: Rams

DRK: Bears
Crybaby Cutler Pouty Face no let this one go bye-bye baby nooooo.

Rory: Rams
Just call me an NFC West man!  Maybe I’ve been listening to too much of Simmons and Cousin Sal, but I really like the Rams this week.

DP Animal: Rams
St. Louis has actually showed signs of life, and who knows what Bears team will show up?

Phanatic: Rams
At the very least, the Rams will cover after their performance against Washington.

EAGLES (-3.5) AT CARDINALS
Stone: Cardinals
You’re not going to win a lot of games when you turn the ball over a lot. FACT.

Slumdeezy: Cardinals

DRK: Eagles

Rory: Cardinals
Both of these teams got really lucky the first two weeks, so I predict one of these teams will get blown out.  Might as well take the points (plus, I still have the girlfriend who roots for Arizona!).

DP Animal: Cardinals
The defense is for real, and the Eagles are very lucky to be 2-0. I expect the turnovers to doom them here.

Phanatic: Eagles
This will be a letdown game for the Cardinals.  Can’t wait to see Kolb in action against his old team, or not.

FALCONS AT CHARGERS (-3.5)
Stone: Chargers
It’s September and the Chargers are still winning? Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Slumdeezy: Falcons

DRK: Chargers

Rory: Falcons
They look like one of the top teams in the league.  I’m sticking with them until proven wrong (which I usually am).

DP Animal: Falcons
I don’t yet buy into the Chargers, but I do believe in Atlanta.

Phanatic: Falcons

TEXANS (-2.5) AT BRONCOS
Stone: Texans
Can Peyton turn his neck yet?

Slumdeezy: Broncos

DRK: Broncos
FetusHead will get his REVENGE.

Rory: Texans

DP Animal: Texans
This is a chance to find out just how good Houston is.

Phanatic: Broncos

PATRIOTS AT RAVENS (-3.5)
Stone: Ravens
If the Pats don’t step up, this one might get ugly.

Slumdeezy: Patriots

DRK: Ravens

Rory: Ravens

DP Animal: Ravens
Without Aaron Hernandez, the Patriots looked ordinary last week.

Phanatic: Patriots
They’ll bounce back after last week. At the very least, if the Ravens win they’ll win by a field goal.

PACKERS (-3.5) AT SEAHAWKS
Stone: Seahawks
Call me the 13th man.

Slumdeezy: Seahawks

DRK: Packers

Rory: Packers

DP Animal: Seahawks
I know the Packers are considered a great team, but they had all kinds of trouble at home with a very similar 49ers team.

Phanatic: Packers
…and then some.

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 9-3 (Last week: 4-2)
Rory: 7-5 (5-1)
DP Animal: 7-5 (5-1)
Slumdeezy: 6-6 (3-3)
DRK: 6-6 (3-3)
Phanatic: 5-7 (2-4)

Last week’s picks

It’s still early in the season. A little too early to have a grip on every team. Are the Jets really an offensive juggernaut? Is having an interim interim coach going to sink the Saints? However, this also means it’s too early for the oddsmakers and the public to tell which teams are good and which teams are the Dolphins. Since you, dear reader, and I are way smarter than anybody else, these first few weeks are a great time to make some money if you can see the trends before everybody else can. All it takes are one or two teams that you feel strongly about and then, bet heavy.

For me, the Ravens are the Browns are those teams. Although they eviscerated the Bengals, question marks still surround Baltimore and Joe Flacco. I think they look more like dollar signs. And while the Brownies hung tough with Eagles, Brandon Weeden’s 4 INT’s and the overall incompetence of the Browns offense mixed with Mike Vick’s inept day are enough for me to know that the Cleveland is really, really, really, really, really bad. You may not agree, but if there’s a team you like or don’t, make sure to get those early returns. Pick time!

SAINTS (-3.5) AT PANTHERS
Stone: Saints
Does anyone really think the Saints are going 0-2 against the Skins and Panthers?

Slumdeezy: Saints
Redeem Team.

DRK: Panthers

Rory: Panthers
After last week’s debacle against the Redskins, I’ve lost faith in the Saints.

DP Animal: Panthers

Phanatic: Panthers

RAVENS AT EAGLES (-2.5)
Stone: Ravens
They’re my team.

Slumdeezy: Ravens

DRK: Ravens

Rory: Ravens
This is my Shoe-In of the Week!

DP Animal: Ravens
At what point do we have to consider the thought that, despite all the evident talent, this Eagles team just isn’t very good?

Phanatic: Eagles
I hope.

COWBOYS (-3.5) AT SEAHAWKS
Stone: Seahawks
I hate the Cowboys.

Slumdeezy: Cowboys

DRK: Seahawks

Rory: Seahawks
I still don’t believe in the Cowboys, and it is tough to play in Seattle.

DP Animal: Seahawks
Hard to imagine having a must-win game this early in the year, but it almost feels that way for Seattle.

Phanatic: Cowboys

JETS AT STEELERS (-5.5)
Stone: Steelers

Slumdeezy: Steelers

DRK: Jets

Rory: Jets
I love the dogs this week, don’t I?  I think the Jets lose this, but it is close.

DP Animal: Steelers

Phanatic: Steelers
Can’t wait for the 10-3 final. 48 be damned.

LIONS AT 49ERS (-7.5)
Stone: 49ers
Has there ever been a primetime game picked based solely on the coaches?

Slumdeezy: 49ers
I get the feeling this team’s for real.

DRK: Lions

Rory: 49ers

DP Animal: Lions
Too many points.

Phanatic: Lions

BRONCOS AT FALCONS (-3.5)
Stone: Broncos
I hear the Broncos have a good quarterback.

Slumdeezy: Broncos
I might just pick Peyton all year. Or at least until I don’t.

DRK: Broncos

Rory: Falcons
Two great teams – easily the toughest to call.  Should be a fun, high scoring game.

DP Animal: Falcons

Phanatic: Broncos
You don’t bet against Peyton on Monday night.

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 5-1
Slumdeezy: 3-3
DRK: 3-3
Phanatic: 3-3
Rory: 2-4
DP Animal: 2-4

Last week’s picks

Another NFL season is here, which means it’s another opportunity to prove my picks domination and hopefully help people win some money. This year, we’re picking six games each and Dat Roro Kid has joined the fray, bringing us up to six competitors. Hence, the Six-Pack Challenge. If anyone can unseat the champ, I’ll buy them a six-pack of their favorite beer. And if Phanatic wins, I’ll let her feel my six pack. Everybody’s a winner.

Picking games in WEEK 1 is like talking to random chicks in a bar. There’s a certain amount of info you can gauge from afar, or by watching preseason games. If a girl has her tongue pierced, she’s probably a freak. If she’s rocking a hockey jersey, she’s probably cool as hell. But really, until you go up and talk to her, there’s really no way to tell if she’s cool (playoff contender) or a sloppy mess (Jets). Just think, last year the Bengals were like the red-headed chick with an annoying laugh. Turns out, she had a great personality and the Bengals made the playoffs. For this reason, keep the bets low and don’t avoid any redheads you see at a bar. Picks time!

REDSKINS AT SAINTS (-7.5)
Stone: Redskins
RG3.

Slumdeezy: Saints
They’ll win twice this weekend. Once on appeal and once on the field.

DRK: Saints

Rory: Saints
Good on the Saints for fighting authority, and winning!  Take that, John Mellencamp!

DP Animal: Saints
Fresh off sticking it to the Ginger Hammer, the Saints stick it to a Washington team that, RG3 aside, sucks.

Phanatic: Saints
Week 1, at home, the Saints something to prove after this offseason.

BILLS AT JETS (-2.5)
Stone: Jets
The J-E-T-S usually wait till the middle of the season to break their fans’ hearts.

Slumdeezy: Bills
Mo quarterbacks, mo problems.

DRK: Bills
Both of these teams could die in a house fire and I would be totally OK with that.

Rory: Bills
This is a pure spite pick.  I want the Jets season to go off the rails so bad, and this pick will let me savor it even more.

DP Animal: Jets

Phanatic: Bills
To say the jets look like a mess is an understatement and they’re due for a wake up call.

PATRIOTS (-5.5) AT TITANS
Stone: Patriots
Tom Brady and the Pats can’t be happy after the way last season ended.

Slumdeezy: Patriots

DRK: Patriots

Rory: Patriots
Because the Patriots are going to be very good.  And the Titans will not be.

DP Animal: Patriots

Phanatic: Patriots

49ERS AT PACKERS (-4.5)
Stone: 49ers
Pack still wins but the Niners stay close.

Slumdeezy: Packers
Cheeseheads and gold diggers. What’s not to love?

DRK: Packers
Can the 49ers make the next step early in the season?  I don’t see it.  I see a “fall back down to Earth” year for the Niners.

Rory: Packers
Because the Packers are going to be very good.  And the 49ers will also be good, but not as good as the Packers.

DP Animal: Packers
Yes, they flamed out a bit in the playoffs, and yes, their defense is probably mediocre at best, but the 49ers are massively overrated, and I don’t see Alex Smith going in to Lambeau and winning.

Phanatic: 49ers
Should be an interesting test for both teams to set this season’s tone.

STEELERS AT BRONCOS (-1.5)
Stone: Steelers
All the attention is on the Broncos but the Steelers aren’t too bad themselves. And they’ve got to want revenge after being knocked out in Denver in 2011.

Slumdeezy: Broncos
The Chosen One returns.  Hope it’s better than Chapter 1 of the Book of Eli.

DRK: Broncos

Rory: Broncos
I’m jumping on the Peyton Manning Redemption Tour….for now.

DP Animal: Steelers
I don’t buy the Manning hype. Let’s see him actually play and stay healthy first.

Phanatic: Broncos

BENGALS AT RAVENS (-6.5)
Stone: Ravens
I have a feeling about Joe Flacco this year.

Slumdeezy: Ravens

DRK: Ravens

Rory: Bengals
You never know with divisional rivals (see the Cowboys/Giants game, unfortunately).

DP Animal: Bengals
That Ravens D is mighty old.

Phanatic: Bengals

LAST YEAR’S RECORDS
Stone: 142-108
Rory: 136-114
Slumdeezy: 128-122
Phanatic: 122-128
DP Animal: 119-131