Rainman Suite

I went 3-10 last week. Frankly, I don’t deserve to write anything about making picks so here’s Rory:

So, now that I’m in first place, Keith wants me to do an introduction to the picks.  He said that I could write about the NBA.  But you know what this really is?  An invitation to jinx myself!  Clearly, he’s frightened of my amazing picking skills, and wants me to write something bragging about how smart I am.  But I won’t do it!  I’ll just congratulate Keith for doing so well up to now.  Don’t give up, Keith!  I’m sure you’ll be back on top soon!

BILLS AT JETS (-8.5)
Stone: Bills
I still think the Jets will win but this is a typical game in which they’d struggle.

Slumdeezy: Jets

Rory: Jets

DP Animal: Jets

Phanatic: Jets
I swore I was done picking the Bills.

BROWNS AT BENGALS (-7.5)
Stone: Bengals
The Browns are abysmal.

Slumdeezy: Bengals

Rory: Bengals

DP Animal: Bengals

Phanatic: Browns

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Normally, I’d make fun of this kid for being the epitome of a Jets fan, but he’s smarter than at least 90% of the Jets fans out there. Plus, he knows the Giants are going to trounce the Jets. The real tool here is Mom. The pain a sports fan endures after a tough loss is private. You can’t go putting it up on YouTube. Mom doesn’t even sound like she cares. Don’t talk to the kid like he lost an action figure, his team just blew a game with serious playoff implications!

As a kid, all you worry about is wins and losses. You don’t care that all you picks hit, or your fantasy team did well, or even if the rookie running back had a nice game. When you lose you feel like crying. Fortunately, we’re not little kids. Well, Phanatic is. Sometimes when you’re making your picks, you get caught up in which team is going to win.

For instance, this week the Lions are favored by 6.5 points at home against the Panthers. I’d say they have a pretty good shot at winning. That doesn’t make them a good pick. Don’t forget about those points. Even if you can realistically imagine that the Panthers can pull it out, which I think they can since the Lions don’t have much of a running game, it’s a smart play to take the points. Even Mom could figure that out. Pick time!

BILLS AT DOLPHINS (-1.5)
Stone: Bills

Slumdeezy: Bills

Rory: Bills
There is a little too much riding on the momentum of both teams in this line.  I don’t think the Bills are as bad as they’ve been the last couple weeks, and vice versa.

DP Animal: Dolphins
Buffalo has massive problems on defense, and the offense is no longer a threat to score 30 points a game.  Meanwhile, the Dolphins have returned to a level of not-terribleness.

Phanatic: Dolphins
Done picking the Bills.

BENGALS AT RAVENS (-6.5)
Stone: Bengals

Slumdeezy: Ravens

Rory: Ravens

DP Animal: Ravens
No team this year has been as schizophrenic as the Ravens, mixing in two wins over long-time rival Pittsburgh with losses to Jacksonville and Seattle.  Still, they’re at home, and they have a chance to seize control of the division with a win, which means I expect the good version to show up.

Phanatic: Bengals
Ravens can’t cover a 6.5 spread.

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I hate shopping. If I need something, I go to the store and I get it. Mama Stone is the opposite. She would buy a sombrero if she thought she was getting a good deal for it. That’s why she has about 30 bottles of shampoo sitting in a closet. How could she not buy them? She had a coupon! Just because something is a good value does not make it a good purchase. Unless you’re Rapunzel, in this situation.

In our world, you might be tempted to make a pick because you’re getting an extra point or two. Oh goodie, the Jets line is only -1.5. Doesn’t matter because the Pats are going to blow them out. Taking the Jets is the equivalent of a chick thinking she got a good deal because she bought a pair of shoes on sale for $350 when they were listed at $500. She’s still an idiot and I still would want to tag her. And no, that doesn’t make me gay for Tom Brady. Picks!

STEELERS (-2.5) AT BENGALS
Stone: Steelers
The Bengals are a solid team, but they haven’t played anyone good this year.

Slumdeezy: Steelers

Rory: Steelers
Red Rocket vs. Big Ben in the battle of nicknames for your penis!

DP Animal: Steelers

Phanatic: Bengals

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS (-2.5)
Stone: Broncos
I’m convinced all four teams in the AFC West are going to end up at 8-8.

Slumdeezy: Broncos

Rory: Broncos

DP Animal: Broncos

Phanatic: Chiefs

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Last week was weird. A lot of games could have gone either way or were skewed by a plethora of defensive and special teams touchdowns. On top of that, the lines are getting better as we know which teams are good and which teams are the Browns. If you guessed right, you may have had a decent week. If you were Keith Stone, you went 3-9. If anybody did great last week, they’re an idiot who had a lucky week. These things have a tendency to straighten themselves out.

If you were doing well before the ridiculousness of WEEK 8, keep doing the same thing. Don’t change your thinking because of one fluky week where certain teams didn’t bother to show up. If you have lucky underwear, keep wearing them. For me, I blame my horrible week on the fact that I let a chick make one of my picks. Sometimes when you get too cocky, you anger the gambling gods. Just remember Judge Karen’s advice.

FALCONS (-6.5) AT COLTS
Stone: Falcons

Slumdeezy: Falcons
Somehow I think the Colts will get a win this season, with or without a return of the better Manning.  BUT I’m tired of wasting picks on them every week for the unlikely bragging rights for when that lightning does strike.

Rory: Falcons
I’m picking against the Colts until they cover a spread.  And even then, I’ll still probably pick against them.

DP Animal: Falcons

Phanatic: Falcons

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS (-8.5)
Stone: Buccaneers
That spread is bigger than Gabourey Sidibe doing a split.

Slumdeezy: Saints

Rory: Buccaneers
Don’t feel good about this at all.

DP Animal: Buccaneers
While it’s probable that last week’s loss to the Rams was just one of those fluky things that happens in the NFL from time to time, I don’t know that I trust the Saints with that big of a spread, especially since Tampa beat them all of three weeks ago.

Phanatic: Saints
Will get out their frustrations from last week.

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ONTO THE PICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COLTS AT TITANS (-8.5)
Stone: Colts

Slumdeezy: Titans

Rory: Titans
I’m not feeling good about my picks this week.  Fair warning.

DP Animal: Titans
Yes, Tennessee has been bad this year, but I can’t take Curtis Painter on the road, even with that many points.

Phanatic: Titans

JAGUARS AT TEXANS (-9.5)
Stone: Jaguars
It’s going to be closer than a lot of people think.

Slumdeezy: Texans

Rory: Jaguars

DP Animal: Texans

Phanatic: Jaguars

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It was a big week for Doc Gooden. First, he revealed that he missed the Mets’ 1986 Championship parade because he was getting high after a night of partying at Long Island’s finest clubs. I couldn’t decide which was sadder: that he missed the parade or that he celebrated a Title at the “clubs” on Long Island. Dr. K was then spotted strolling the streets of Manhattan hand-in-hand with Bai Ling, whom he met while on Celebrity Rehab. This chick is certifiable. She claims to have multiple personalities and seems to have her titties out or get arrested anytime she’s in the news. Probably not the best person to be hanging out with if you’re a recovering drug addict who’s relapsed several times.

When you have a crazy person dating a crazy person, you never know what’s going to happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw a Doc/Ling sex tape featuring a kiddie pool full of jello. It’s the same thing with football matchups featuring similar teams. It’s easy to figure things out when you have a great team against a good team or anybody against the Dolphins.

The problem is when you get two good teams, the smallest thing can turn a surefire win into a loss. It looked like the Bills were heading for the win last week but a Corey Webster INT later, the Giants stole the game and covered the spread. It was the equivalent of a sex tape in a kiddie pool full of jello. This week there a ton of jello kiddie pool games, as evidenced by the fact that everyone’s picks are so different. Let’s proceed, shall we?

BEARS (-0.5) AT BUCCANEERS
Stone: Buccaneers

Slumdeezy: Bears

Rory: Buccaneers

DP Animal: Buccaneers
The Devin Hester for Hall of Fame talk fascinates me, in part because I really don’t know how to respond.  He’s certainly the best return man since Gale Sayers, at least, but at the same time it’s hard to consider a guy who’s basically a below-average wide receiver an all-time great.

Phanatic: Bears
No Dream Team to pick against this week.  I’m heartbroken.

REDSKINS AT PANTHERS (-2.5)
Stone: Panthers

Slumdeezy: Redskins

Rory: Panthers
Last week, I was convinced the Panthers would cover the spread versus Atlanta.  My friend brought up a good point – he thinks teams will figure out Cam Newton, and it’ll be wise to bet against Carolina the next few weeks.  And sure enough, they lost big to Atlanta.  So I decided no matter what, I’m following my friend’s advice.  And then I saw they were playing the John Beck Redskins.  Ugh.

DP Animal: Panthers
Between Mitt Romney, John Beck, and all the “I’m a Mormon” ads, there’s never been a better time to be a Mormon…except all the time that polygamy was an accepted part of the religion, that is.

Phanatic: Redskins
How the “mighty” have fallen, for both of these teams.

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