The Texas Rangers are one win away from winning their first World Series. Or so I’ve been told. I can’t watch baseball for four hours when my team isn’t involved. The Rangers actually made their first World Series appearance last year after 50 years of futility, leaving only two franchises without a trip to the Fall Classic. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and Josh Hamilton will share some non-alcoholic champagne with you. The answer, as always, is after the jump.
Which two teams have never been in the World Series? (and a hint: it is not the Mudville Nine and Bad News Bears)
Everyone knows that Yankee fans are the most dominant force in the world. Well, today Moammar Khadafy found out the hard way. The deposed ruler of Libya was shot and killed in his hometown of Sirte by a young fighter in his 20’s. What was that fighter wearing? That’s right, a Yankees cap. It’s too bad A.J. Burnett wasn’t there to give this guy some pie. No seriously, I wish A.J. Burnett was in Libya. If we can’t win the World Series, at least we can take out one of the biggest killers the world has known. Simply put, the Yanks run shit from the Bronx to Tripoli. The freedom fighter wearing the Red Sox cap was apparently eating fried lamb and smoking hookah back in the bunker.
Love or hate baseball, I dare anyone to watch the last scene in The Natural and not get goosebumps. Not possible. It definitely gets the best Dramatic Baseball Movie Award from me. Face it, Field of Dreams is too sappy.
The World Series starts tonight and I honestly couldn’t care less. One team flew under-the-radar all season while the other wasn’t even supposed to be here. Besides Pujols and Josh Hamilton (and Nolan Ryan), are there any personalities that anyone cares about? The Cards just won the World Series and I don’t even know if the Rangers have fans. They only care about football in Dallas anyway and the Mavs had a parade a few months ago. There’s no way I’m staying up till 2AM to watch these games. Maybe if a freak like Brian Wilson was involved like last year.
The details are starting to leak about the 2011 Red Sox epic Septemebr failure and it ain’t pretty. In other words, I love it! It’s like Days of Our Lives. Tito Francona was addicted to pain pills after he separated from his wife and spent the second half of the season living in a hotel. Beckett, Lackey, and Lester spent entire games in the clubhouse drinking beer, eating fried chicken, and playing video games. What happened to the idiots cowboying up? I thought that’s how they did it in Red Sox Nation? Ownership tried to make nice with the players by buying them $300 headphones. Is T.J. Lavin running the team? Jacoby Ellsbury only spoke to Jed Lowrie. Adrian Gonzalez whined about playing too many ESPN games. Kevin Youkilis’s evil twin poisoned him. I only made one of those up.
Honestly, I’m not buying most of it. Who cares if Jason Veritek or David Ortiz weren’t leaders or the pitching staff wasn’t in the dugout during games? This isn’t basketball or football where having real chemistry brings a team success. In baseball, you go up and you hit. If you’re mad at your teammates, it really shouldn’t affect anything. It always seems like it does, though.
Juan Carlos Oviedo saved 26 games for the Florida Marlins this season. Never heard of him? That’s because he was going by the name Leo Nunez. It came out towards the end of the season that Oveido used the fake name to lie about his age. Like the porn industry, Latin baseball talents get more money the younger they are. Oveido is basically doing the same thing Jesse Jane does. There were questions about Miguel Tejada’s age a few years back but now it looks like this may be a bigger problem than previously thought. Up to 30 players playing baseball in the majors and minors might be playing under assumed names.
It might not make a difference when you’re 17 but when clubs are deciding whether to give you a fat free agent deal, it’s kinda important to know if you’re 28 or 31. Maybe that’s what happened to Carl Crawford. I don’t blame the players. They’re being used by the owners so they’re just trying to get theirs. Fast forward and all of a sudden everyone is calling you a weird name. It happens to me all the time with the ladies. You meet a chick at the bar and you’re trying to impress her so you tell her that you’re a Formula 2 driver named Ron Sampson. You don’t think it’s going to go anywhere and then a few weeks later she’s introducing Ron to all her guy friends who are asking what Formula 2 is. Don’t worry Juan Carlos, Ron Sampson, I mean Keith Stone, is on your side.
The Yankees are now 0-2 since Kate Hudson and A-Rod broke up. You can’t blame Alex for striking out the bases loaded or for striking out to end both of the last two seasons. He’s a dependent fuck. I blame Kate Hudson. So what if all the tabloids said he broke up with her? Maybe it’s up to the Yankees Universe to get them back together. It’ll be like a metrosexual Latino version of The Parent Trap.
I mean, come one! Really, Kate? You were the MVP of the 2009 World Series (sorry, Matsui). I don’t care that you have a new guy. Muse sucks anyway. A-Rod cannot survive without you. Cameron Diaz is not a suitable replacement. I’m sure that’s what he was thinking with two outs in the ninth, “Boy, I sure miss Kate.” A-ROD DOESN’T HIT IN THE CLUTCH WITHOUT YOU!
Please come back, Kate. You would be the Yankees’ most valuable free agent signing. Brian Cashman should take a big bouquet of flowers to the set of whatever crappy rom-com you’re filming and refuse to leave until you agree to get back with A-Rod. It doesn’t even have to be now. You can wait till August or September or whenever he gets off his inevitable stint on the DL. Don’t tell me you don’t miss those blue lips just a little. I just can’t take losing to another random team before the World Series anymore. I better see you at the Stadium in 2012, Kate. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
During Game 5, I was sitting behind a guy who was wearing a rabbit sock puppet and would make it jump around with the music. The rabbit was wearing glasses and a Yankees hat. Surprisingly, the guy was there alone. When the Yankees went down 3-0, he switched over to a squirrel, then went back to the rabbit for the later innings. He should have stayed with the squirrel.
Sometimes you just have a bad day and can’t get over the hump. That’s what happened to the Yanks. You can’t dwell on it. From the collective failures of A-Rod, Teixeira, and Nick Swisher to Nova’s injury, Girardi’s overmanaging, and eventually CC’s vincibility out of the bullpen, it just wasn’t our year. I’m blaming the sock puppet.
*****
The problem with the Yankees is that, with the exception of Robbie Cano, there just isn’t anybody with any huevos. We need guys with big, hairy huevos. When everyone is hitting, it’s all sunshine and gumdrops, but when the team is in a jam, it gets tighter than Sean Penn’s butthole. Of course the problem is that especially in the Division Series, one or two bad pitches can put the entire season in a precarious position. We learned that before Ivan Nova had thrown 10 pitches.
Tino Martinez, Paul O’Neill, and Bernie Williams didn’t have the natural talent like the guys on this year’s squad but when the going got tough, you know you could always count on them to get a big hit or even just draw a walk. I can’t even imagine them leaving this many guys on base or striking out with the bases loaded during a do-or-die game. For all the talk about baseball being a stats game, real fans know there’s a lot more that goes into a Championship team.
The 2012 Yankees will be bringing back most of this team. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing. They won 97 games with their cleanup hitter missing a signifant amount of time. Despite the fact that he was anti-clutch in the playoffs, A-Rod did have an injury excuse. He was battling knee and finger issues at the end of the season, and still managed to get good wood on a few balls against the Tigers. If a few drop, we’re not talking about him as a goat.
The pitching rotation was also a huge question mark during the season and should be Brian Cashman’s #1 priority. CC Sabathia will likely opt out of his current contract, but will stay with the team for a bigger deal. Nova is fine, but is young and shouldn’t be relied upon as the Yankees’ second starter. Matt Cain has been mentioned as a possible target and the Giants might be willing to give him up since they scored about 38 runs this season.
The most likely change to the lineup will come in right field. Nick Swisher has a reasonable option for 2012 but hasn’t shown up in the playoffs for each of the past three years. Might he be a possible trade chip? Not to say that he’s overvalued, but I think the spotlight of New York raises his demand more than if he played in Kansas City.
Jorge Posada is also a probable goner although he played valiantly in October. Jesus Montero should handle DH duties but could serve as trade bait along with pitching prospects Manny Banuelos and Dellin Betances. Cashman has shown to be patient in recent years, holding onto Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain (remember him?) but dealing Ian Kennedy, who is now one of the best pitchers in the Majors.
The 2011 Yankees were a disappointment and a failure, but that’s obviously not a reason to blow up this team. With a bounce here or there, a little luck on the injury front, and an addition or two to the pitching staff, they will no doubt be contenders for the 2012 Crown. However, as we learned, you never know what exactly will be the tipping point. Or maybe it’s all on the rabbit.
This is it! Eminem can’t save Detroit. A government bailout can’t save Detroit. Al Albuquerque can’t save Detroit. Mike Francesa doesn’t even know who he is. This is the Bronx. This is tradition. This is Mystique and Aura. Supernova may be a rook but he’s like Andy Pettitte reincarnate. Doug Fister’s not going to even know what fisted him. The momentum is on the Yankees’ side. All they have to do is deliver.
A.J. for Cy Young!!! As much as his season sucked, he pretty much justified his being on the team with just this one start. I always knew he could do it (with a little help from Grandy of course). What two insane defensive plays. Either ball drops in and the season is possibly fucked. The first one was a nice recovery after starting in the wrong direction, but the second one was just him going all-out and not wanting to go home for the winter. Everyone played great D knowing that they had to have A.J.’s back. That’s a team. It was all clicking. Even A-Rod and Teixeira got hits. Hopefully, the momentum carries over to Game 5. We just need another solid start from the Supernova and to chip away at Fister until the Tigers bullpen hits the mound. Mystique and Aura better pick out some nice outfits because the Stadium is going to be rocking on Thursday. Al Alburquerque, come out and plaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!
So what if A.J. Burnett is taking the mound tonight? It’s not like the Yankees are going up against Cy Young. It’s Rick Fucking Porcello. He had a 4.75 ERA this season. The Yankees have the most dominant lineup in baseball. A-Rod and Teixeira will snap out of it. They just need a little luck. They’re not gonna win if everyone’s crying and complaining about the last two games. The past is the past. The only thing that matters is this one game right now. Let’s all send our good vibes to A.J. He doesn’t need to be incredible. If he can get through five innings without giving up a ton of runs, it’ll be enough. I’m not giving up.
Rainman Suite 