Chris Bosh and Carmelo Anthony have signed on to play themselves on an upcoming episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. The episode, appropriately titled “Personal Fouls,” follows a coach that is suspected of doing bad things to former players. That coach will be portrayed by Dan Lauria, Kevin’s dad from The Wonder Years, in a role he was born to play. Not too many details have been released beyond that, but we can assume that the plot will revolve around how Bosh’s failures this season lead him to finally tell the truth about dirty old Coach Arnold. Carmelo, being the knight in shining armor that he is, will most likely be there to support someone in need. NBC isn’t going to be last in the ratings after this!
It’s not a secret that Rajon Rondo isn’t a good shooter and was especially bad at the end of last season. Many blamed the trade of his best friend Kendrick Perkins to Oklahoma City. It’s a lame excuse but Shaq’s impending Pulitzer Prize-winning memoir Shaq Uncut contains another explanation. Shaq contends that at a fundraiser in March, President Obama himself made fun of Rondo by asking marksman Ray Allen, “Hey, Ray, why don’t you teach this kid how to shoot?” Shaq believes that sensitive young soul that he is, Rondo went into an months-long shooting slump after being called out by the President.
When Obama leaves the White House, he can sit next to me at every Knicks-Celtics game. And when LeBron’s in the house. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have this power in the political arena. “Hey, Ray, why don’t you teach unemployment how to shoot?”
The fight between Georgetown and the Bavi Rockets wasn’t pretty, although it narrowly ended up missing being the Wrestling Video of the Week. Seems like the Rockets were getting a little chippy and finally the GTown players snapped. As crazy as the video is, it may have deep implications. The Chinese Basketball league is only allowing NBA players to come over if they are free agents and will not be able to leave if the lockout ends. That’s not good news for players like Carmelo Anthony and Chris Paul that wanted to play there. It does not, however, affect Stephon Marbury.
According to the New York Times, Chinese athletes in general have begun to rebel against authority. Maybe this is an outcropping of that. Or they don’t like black people. How come it’s only the international games that have fights with chairs and tables involved? We need more fighting in the NBA. It would make things a lot more exciting. Can you imagine Amar’e Stoudemire and Kevin Garnett going at it with steel chairs? The NBA would make so much money. Lockout solved.
The NBA lockout sucks. Right now, we’d be watching the rookies do their thing at Summer League, but instead, it’s all labor jargon that nobody understands and grainy footage of Kevin Durant and LeBron James putting up 84 points at games against scrubs in Rucker Park and Singapore. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and I’ll sign you to the mid-level exception. The answer, as always, is after the jump.
Who is the president of the NBA Players Union? (and a hint: it is not Metta World Peace)
Metta World Peace, that is. World Peace is considering playing with the Cheshire Jets of the British Basketball League if the NBA lockout stretches into the regular season. According to the ULEB, the ruling body of European basketball, the BBL is ranked dead last amongst European leagues in terms of game play and media coverage amongst other important things. What better place to hone your skills and fitness than the worst basketball league in Europe?
There’s so much violence going on in England, it’s only fitting that the protagonist in the most public display of violence of the past 10 years would be heading there. World Peace is so crazy, he could probably stop the riots all by himself, and Britain will attain World Peace in more ways than one.
However since the Jets don’t have any money, they are offering World Peace a piece of ownership and will try to help his film and music career. They are currently trying to find him work on a British soap opera, where he will immediately be the most ridiculous black guy on TV in England since Ali G. And really, after hearing World Peace’s Michael Jackson tribute song who wouldn’t want a piece of his music career?
Each NBA owner tries to help their team win in different ways. Mark Cuban uses advanced stats to find undervalued players. Mikhail Prokhorov uses luxury and his endless riches to buy players that otherwise wouldn’t want to play in New Jersey. James Dolan uses music. Here’s JD & The Straight Shot performing Fix the Knicks. Yes, JD is Knicks owner James Dolan. I guess he has some spare time during the lockout. The highlight for me was the audience groaning after he mentions Isiah Thomas. That’s right, Isiah Thomas is a part of the song. There also seems to be a bit of a tap dancing interlude in the middle. They should sign whoever it is doing the tap dancing. The kid can probably move on defense. I gotta admit, this is a great way to woo free agents. Here are the full lyrics:
Everywhere I go, I hear everybody say
‘What you gonna do to make that team play’
From the folks in the street at 34th and 6th
Everyone who calls says, ‘Hey man, fix the Knicks’
Fix the Knicks and make them shine
Get ’em to win like it’s ’69
Hitting all their free throws and no more shooting bricks
Time to get it right and fix the Knicks
Doing my best and that’s my problem
I check with my friend called Isiah Thomas
Pay no mind to those nasty critics
They haven’t done a thing to fix the Knicks
Fix the Knicks and make them shout
Get on and win like it’s ’69
Hit all their free throws and don’t want to shoot bricks
Time to let it ride and fix the Knicks
We know we’re getting better, but still no respect
We score a lot of points, but where’s the defense?
Everyone’s an expert saying ‘Trade your draft picks’
You got to get ‘this guy’ to fix the Knicks
Fix the Knicks and make them shout
Get on and win like it’s ’69
Hit all their free throws and don’t want to shoot bricks
Time to let it ride and fix the Knicks
Fix the Knicks and make them shout
Get on and win like it’s ’69
Hit all their free throws and don’t want to shoot bricks
I don’t even know who this shirt insults more. Are the people of Akron supposed to be pumped that LeBron is using the Heat logo? And why would Heat fans want to be associated with Akron? Akron and the Miami Heat are perhaps the two most unrelated entities in the universe. It’s like ice cream and pickles. Or LeBron and clutch play. Oh, snap. Seriously, though, what’s the point of the shirt and then posting the picture on Twitter? I honestly feel like LeBron isn’t intentionally trying to hurt anyone’s feelings but I would still be pissed about it if I was from Northeast Ohio. If you break up with your girlfriend and she still invites you to her birthday party because she wants to be cordial, you don’t bring your new supermodel girlfriend. LeBron is such a dolt.
Dennis Rodman celebrated his 50th birthday last night at the Paris in Las Vegas despite the fact that it occurred over two months ago. He partied the night away the way any 50-year-old would: in a women’s shirt. I can’t wait to see what he wears when he gets inducted into the Hall of Fame. I’m guessing probably something from Victoria’s Secret or maybe BCBG if he wants to keep it classy. Seriously though, how great is it that he gets a birthday party two months after his birthday? I thought only Paris Hilton got to do that.
If you have $9 million (and 99¢) lying around, you can hire Blake Griffin, Kevin “Color Me Badd” Love, Tyson Chandler, Adrian Peterson, or Metta World Peace (who is slowly turning into the the NBA’s version of Gary Busey) to come over and help with some chores. I heard they also have a special deal where you can get LeBron James for three quarters of the price. This video is hilarious. I still wish there was football and basketball but this isn’t too shabby. Football Cops better watch its back. Maybe I can get Michael Vick to walk my dog?
The suits at ESPN needed a star presenter at the ESPY’s (LeBron said he could only stay for the first three quarters of the show) so they called up Amar’e. He said he would do it but that he needed not one, but two sexy ladies on his arm. Maria Sharapova and Rachel Nichols (not the reporter, duh) do the trick. And look at that outfit. If a white guy tried to pull it off, he’d look like an extra in the Dick in a Box video, but Amar’e KILLS it. Cam Newton tried to steal his preppy glasses look but Amar’e was already a step ahead, like a carpenter making stairs. Plus, he made a new friend in The Closer, Brian Wilson.
Rainman Suite 