Archive for the ‘football’ Category

WEEK 74 – With the Fishes

Posted: November 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, football, Giants, NFL
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Giants 20, Dolphins 17

I can’t remember another season where the Giants had this many close games. On the one hand, I’m glad that they’re pulling most of them out. On the other hand, these aren’t teams that should be keeping it close. What happens when they play the Patriots next week?

Eli Manning continued his stellar season. He was the only one on the offense that seemed to be able to do anything.Bradshaw and Nicks’s injuries worry me, but they seem minor. Even more worrisome might be Brandon Jacobs. Even though he’s banged up too, I think it’s mostly mental. The booing doesn’t help either, people!The Giants play best when the running game is strong and Bradshaw and Jacobs both do their thing. This season isn’t going anywhere if they don’t get their act together.

Normally, it’s a sound strategy to keep running the ball but especially when Bradshaw was in the locker room, they weren’t getting anything. Eli was hot all day. Why not let him air it out in that situation? Victor Cruz once again proved that he’s going to be a valuable contributor to this team and his game-winning TD was phenomenal. The kid is hot like salsa.

The return of Justin Tuck didn’t do as much as I thought it would. When Matt Moore is running on you like he’s the second coming of Barry Sanders, it’s not a good thing. They did manage to pull it together at the end and hopefully the momentum will carry over into next week. I just hope Tuck isn’t half-strength for the rest of the year.

WEEK 8 Picks: Going To the Chapel

Posted: October 30, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL
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ONTO THE PICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COLTS AT TITANS (-8.5)
Stone: Colts

Slumdeezy: Titans

Rory: Titans
I’m not feeling good about my picks this week.  Fair warning.

DP Animal: Titans
Yes, Tennessee has been bad this year, but I can’t take Curtis Painter on the road, even with that many points.

Phanatic: Titans

JAGUARS AT TEXANS (-9.5)
Stone: Jaguars
It’s going to be closer than a lot of people think.

Slumdeezy: Texans

Rory: Jaguars

DP Animal: Texans

Phanatic: Jaguars

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WEEK 73 – BYE Week Boogie Down

Posted: October 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, football, Giants, NFL, power rankings
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VH1 just released its list of the Greatest Songs of the 00’s and the Giants had their BYE this week, so I got to watch more football games than I normally do. You know what that means! NFL Power Rankings to the sounds of the 00’s. I have just one complaint. How can the majesty of the Thong Song be ranked #100? It influenced millions of chicks to wear sexier panties. In my book, that’s all that matters. Plus a great cameo by Sisqo’s daughter in the video. Onto the top 10…

10. New York Jets (4-3)


The Jets are going to be in every game they play, just like In Da Club is great for almost any occasion from getting freaky with your lady at the club to a bar mitzvah. It looked like the J-E-T-S were going to collapse in controversy, but everyone forgets that the team thrives on it. As long as the Jets remember that its strength is defense and not the passing game, they’ll be fine. I could see Gang Green doing everything from winning the AFC East to going 7-9, but let’s pencil them in for a Wild Card. Sanchez remains their greatest weakness and he’ll never be anything more than a mediocre QB. If they had anyone better, they could be a legit Super Bowl threat. Plax’s three TD’s against the Chargers were great. Hopefully, he doesn’t shoot himself in da club.

9. Dallas Cowboys (3-3)


Tony Romo’s favorite singer serenades them at #9. It’s been a wild year for the Romosexual, snatching victories from the jaws of defeat and vice versa. This team could easily be undefeated. Dez Bryant’s lingering quad injury hasn’t helped but DeMarco Murray looks more than capable at filling in at running back. With the NFC East looking not as strong as everyone envisioned (*cough* Dream Team *cough*), the Cowboys could win the division even if Romo gives a few more games away.

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WEEK 7 Lines: Crazy Knows Crazy

Posted: October 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL
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It was a big week for Doc Gooden. First, he revealed that he missed the Mets’ 1986 Championship parade because he was getting high after a night of partying at Long Island’s finest clubs. I couldn’t decide which was sadder: that he missed the parade or that he celebrated a Title at the “clubs” on Long Island. Dr. K was then spotted strolling the streets of Manhattan hand-in-hand with Bai Ling, whom he met while on Celebrity Rehab. This chick is certifiable. She claims to have multiple personalities and seems to have her titties out or get arrested anytime she’s in the news. Probably not the best person to be hanging out with if you’re a recovering drug addict who’s relapsed several times.

When you have a crazy person dating a crazy person, you never know what’s going to happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw a Doc/Ling sex tape featuring a kiddie pool full of jello. It’s the same thing with football matchups featuring similar teams. It’s easy to figure things out when you have a great team against a good team or anybody against the Dolphins.

The problem is when you get two good teams, the smallest thing can turn a surefire win into a loss. It looked like the Bills were heading for the win last week but a Corey Webster INT later, the Giants stole the game and covered the spread. It was the equivalent of a sex tape in a kiddie pool full of jello. This week there a ton of jello kiddie pool games, as evidenced by the fact that everyone’s picks are so different. Let’s proceed, shall we?

BEARS (-0.5) AT BUCCANEERS
Stone: Buccaneers

Slumdeezy: Bears

Rory: Buccaneers

DP Animal: Buccaneers
The Devin Hester for Hall of Fame talk fascinates me, in part because I really don’t know how to respond.  He’s certainly the best return man since Gale Sayers, at least, but at the same time it’s hard to consider a guy who’s basically a below-average wide receiver an all-time great.

Phanatic: Bears
No Dream Team to pick against this week.  I’m heartbroken.

REDSKINS AT PANTHERS (-2.5)
Stone: Panthers

Slumdeezy: Redskins

Rory: Panthers
Last week, I was convinced the Panthers would cover the spread versus Atlanta.  My friend brought up a good point – he thinks teams will figure out Cam Newton, and it’ll be wise to bet against Carolina the next few weeks.  And sure enough, they lost big to Atlanta.  So I decided no matter what, I’m following my friend’s advice.  And then I saw they were playing the John Beck Redskins.  Ugh.

DP Animal: Panthers
Between Mitt Romney, John Beck, and all the “I’m a Mormon” ads, there’s never been a better time to be a Mormon…except all the time that polygamy was an accepted part of the religion, that is.

Phanatic: Redskins
How the “mighty” have fallen, for both of these teams.

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Didn’t Brandon Marshall Say He Was Going To Get Ejected?

Posted: October 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in Brandon Marshall, football, Jets, NFL
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Rex Ryan wasn’t the only one at Monday Night’s Jets-Dolphins game that can’t back up his words. Last week, Fins receiver Brandon Marshall infamously announced that he was going to do something so audacious as to be ejected in the second quarter. The only thing Marshall ended up doing was being stranded on Revis Island and falling out of bounds on a likely touchdown run. He didn’t even try to do anything. No crotch chops, no spitting, no nothing. And me, I’m an idiot so I watched the first half thinking some sort of brawl would break out when all I got was the most mediocre game of all-time.

I know you have a personality disorder, Brandon, but when you say you’re going to do something you have to do it. And don’t make up any bullshit excuses about how it was one of your other personalities that said he was going to be ejected. Wide receivers are such divas. You want attention? Go out and catch touchdowns. It worked for Jerry Rice. Then, T.O. and Chad Ochocinco came along and guaranteed that every week their TD celebrations were going to be the craziest things we’ve ever seen. Three catches for 28 yards later, and the MKS wasted three hours of his life. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If not, shut the fuck up. Talk is cheap, play the game.

WEEK 72 – Nobody Circles the Wagons…

Posted: October 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, football, Giants, NFL
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Giants 27, Bills 24

The mark of any good team is how well it responds after a disappointing loss. Luckily, it appears that the Giants are a good team. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t perfect but it was a solid win against a decent team, and we’ll take it especially considering the injuries. The offensive line held up well without Chris Snee. A week to prepare helped a lot. Eli was solid as always and Bradshaw finally had some room to breathe. The defense was a bit worrisome with the two big plays in the first half but for the most part the Bills were under check and Corey Webster played a brilliant game, stepping up and making plays when they were needed the most.

The game almost turned in the third quarter after Manningham dropped a TD and for some reason Coach Coughlin wanted to attempt a 51-yard field goal. Tynes is an average kicker but has struggled to get kicks up all season. Even if gets it over all the outstretched arms, he probably has a 50-50 chance of hitting it. Why not punt the ball and trap the Bills while they’re up against the ropes? The block gave them momentum and they almost stole the game. Keep Tynes off the field for anything deeper than 40 yards unless the game is really on the line. Otherwise, everything looks good heading into the bye week. I’m looking forward to getting reinforcements in the form of Justin Tuck, Brandon Jacobs, Snee, and the Prince. The Giants might not make the playoffs but it’s sure going to be interesting.

WEEK 6 Picks: Be Like Snooki

Posted: October 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL, Snooki
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Snooki has singlehandedly saved Jersey Shore with an MVP season equivalent to Tom Brady’s 50 touchdown season in 2007. With Ronnie and Sammi behaving, Snooki has captured the imagination by getting drunk at 10 in the morning, falling, flashing her cuca to anyone within a 10-feet radius, throwing wine bottles at the Situation, falling, getting thrown of clubs, smooshing Vinny, and falling. It took a few weeks to get Snooks warmed up in Firenze; ultimately, the arrival of her boyfriend Jionni sent her over the edge. You knew she was going to act like a drunk whore, but you can’t ever really predict the way a drunk whore will act.

That’s where we are with our lines. We know who’s good and who’s bad but still you can never really predict the outcome. Seahawks smooshing the Giants? Total drunk whore game. Vikings and Donovan McNabb running the Cards out of town? Drunk whore move. You can’t prepare for it much like you’ll never pick all these games correctly. You just gotta sit back, do your best, and enjoy the cuca.

RAMS AT PACKERS (-14.5)
Stone: Packers

Slumdeezy: Packers
Seems like the easiest week in while. And that’s precisely why I’m going to do terribly.

Rory: Packers
What has 108 legs and sucks?  The Rams!

DP Animal: Packers
Thankfully for St. Louis fans, the Cardinals-Brewers game later that day should be a bit more competitive.

Phanatic: Rams

JAGUARS AT STEELERS (-11.5)
Stone: Jaguars

Slumdeezy: Steelers

Rory: Steelers
One of these high spread teams will not cover.  I’ll pick against both just to be safe.

DP Animal: Steelers

Phanatic: Steelers
Black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow

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WEEK 71 – Off A Cliff

Posted: October 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, football, Giants, NFL
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Seahawks 36, Giants 25

Totally unacceptable. A football team is like a car. If one part of it isn’t working, the entire car has a problem. This week, the tires were popped, the oil was low, even the windshield wipers weren’t working. The Giants’ offensive line is already shaky enough at full strength, but the loss of David Baas and then Chris Snee turned it into a sieve which was exacerbated by the fact that Brandon Jacobs was also out. But Seattle is a really, really bad football team. That doesn’t play well on the road. And has a shitty quarterback. And a backup QB that looks like Jared Leto.

There’s no way in hell the Giants should have lost unless they completely gave it away. That’s exactly what they did. I love Cruz and he made an amazing play on his touchdown but there’s no way you can fumble deep in your own territory. The Seahawks were mentally on the plane home already. That play gave them new life along with the safety (barely) of D.J. Ware. Missing Tuck again, the quarterbacks were given waaaaaaaaaaay too much time to operate. Also, how many times are the opponents going to go no huddle before we stop it?

It’s frustrating that Eli can move the ball so effortlessly at times when he really needs to but not when it’s the second quarter. I don’t know if it’s him, the entire team, or the playcalling, but they need to play like every drive is a game-winning drive. It’s OK to play one bad game, but I’m afraid it’s becoming a trend and that’s a problem. It’s a problem when you barely beat shitty teams and it’s a major problem when you lose to them.

WEEK 5 Picks: Gut Check

Posted: October 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 NFL Picks, football, NFL
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It’s WEEK 5 and our lines have shrunk like LeAnn Rimes. Maybe it’s fortuitous scheduling or parity, but this week you just have to go with your gut. For the most part, stick to the teams you like and don’t get too fancy and worry about the points. In sad news, Rodave was ironically crushed to death by a marshmallow truck. Luckily, his twin brother Slumdeezy has taken his place and since they’re twins, they know everything about each other! And no I didn’t steal this idea from Beerfest. Onto the picks:

CHIEFS AT COLTS (-2.5)
Stone: Chiefs
I think I just peed my pants.

Slumdeezy: Colts

Rory: Chiefs
Bill Walton predicted that this will be the greatest human football game ever performed on Earth by humans.

DP Animal: Colts

Phanatic: Chiefs

CARDINALS AT VIKINGS (-2.5)
Stone: Cardinals

Slumdeezy: Vikings

Rory: Cardinals
As explained last week, I’m semi-rooting for the Cardinals this season because of my girlfriend.  I’ll tell you, I’ve followed the Nets for over 15 years, and I’ve followed the Cardinals for four weeks – it’s much tougher being a Cardinals fan.

DP Animal: Vikings

Phanatic: Vikings
Due for a win, I guess.

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Sunday’s Highlights

Posted: October 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in football, NFL
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It was a wild slate of games in the NFL yesterday. So much action my brain feels like it’s about to explode. I have literally spent hours scouring game film, recaps, and scouting reports to find you the greatest moments of Week 4. And by golly, I think I did it.

What happens when the last place Dream Team gets it within the 5-yard line? Do they let the dynamic Michael Vick take it himself? Do they hand off to one of the league’s best rushers LeSean “Lady Gaga” McCoy? No! To make everyone feel like a special part of the team, they usually let one of the below-average options run it in. Enter Ronnie Brown. After Brown is stuffed on third down, he tries to keep the play alive by passing the ball to, well, anybody. The only problem is that when you pass it backwards, it’s still a live ball. You saw it here first, kids. When you’re about to be tackled the best thing you could do is fling the ball wildly in the air, especially when you’re within field goal range. It’s a good thing the Dream Team demolished the 49ers. What’s that? They lost by 1?


From the agony of defeat, we head now to the thrill of victory. After scoring a touchdown to secure a Bears’ victory over the Panthers, Marion Barber (the third) celebrates like he just won the gold medal in the floor exercise. There’s really no place in football for flips unless it’s a tight end getting cut down at the legs by a 120-pound D-back.

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