Archive for the ‘jabronis’ Category

Jabroni of the Week: Nelson Cruz

Posted: October 30, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, jabronis, MLB, MLB Playoffs, Nelson Cruz, Texas Rangers, World Series
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You already know what happened in Game 6 of the World Series. It already won at least four ESPY’s and the awards ceremony is like nine months away. With two outs in the bottom of the ninth and his team up by two runs, Nelson Cruz had a chance to win the World Title for the Texas Rangers by making a challenging, yet makeable, play on a fly ball to right field. Jose Canseco did better when the ball bounced off his head for a home run. Cruz looked terrified of touching the wall, like it was made up of healthy food or something, David Freese ended up with a triple, and the rest, as they say, was history.

Nelson Cruz had one of the greatest postseasons in history, no doubt, but winners make plays when the game is on the line. How many times in any sport in the past 10 years has a Championship come down to one play? All I can think of is Adam Vinatieri’s two Super Bowl-winning field goals. Cruz literally had the Ring in his hand and he couldn’t handle it.

How does he not go all out for that ball? It was about six inches away from his glove. He may have been banged up but he should have gone through the wall to make the catch. If you’re a Rangers fan, how do you even watch Cruz play next season knowing that he came so close to winning the World Series? It’s like seeing one of your buds get drunk and vomit and shit on the floor at the same time. You’re still friends but you can’t look them in the eye anymore.

Nellie, baby, this is the part where I usually try to console the week’s offending jabroni and give them advice for the future, but I don’t know what to say. That’s saying something considering one of them was a mass-murdering tyrant. You blew it. You can hit all the home runs you want but that play will always live on. Bill Buckner fucked up too, but at least he seemed to be trying. And his team wasn’t up by two runs. Well, at least we don’t have to hear about Tony LaRussa anymore. Next time you have a chance to win the World Series, don’t worry about the wall. Also try to get a little fielding work in during spring training. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Harold Camping

Posted: October 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in Harold Camping, jabronis
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You might remember Harold Camping as the guy that predicted the world would end on May 21st. Turns out it didn’t but Camping said his calculations were off by five months. October 21st came around and yet I am still trying to pick out a Halloween costume. This is the 12th time now Camping has predicted that the Earth would be destroyed by giant earthquakes. He makes flimsier guarantees than Rex Ryan.

The funniest part about it is when his followers plan for the end of the world by spending all their time and money to spread the word only to have it blow up in their faces. Remember that guy from Staten Island who spent his life savings on billboards? Somebody actually called the radio show Camping hosts to say, “You’re really pathetic, you know? I wasted all my money because of you. I was putting all my money and my hopes on you. I wish I could see you face to face, I would smack you.” That’s not very Christian.

Harold, baby, you’re like 112 years old. The world is ending for you soon anyway. I appreciate the warnings about the apocalypse and all but I think good old Keith Stone can handle it himself. You really gotta chill with all the dire predictions, though. Some people are a little too gullible. I think it’s about time you saved face. If a chick says she doesn’t want to go out with you, you can’t keep asking her out, bro. You have to let it go. That only happens on TV, like with Urkel. Do you have a transformation machine?

The real secret to all this end of the world bullshit is that you should always treat other people with compassion and respect. Go out there and enjoy your life and then if the world does end, you’ll be safe. I don’t think God put us here to worry about the End of Days. Have some fun, Harry. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

ABC News

Jabroni of the Week: Pitso Mosimane

Posted: October 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Pitso Mosimane, soccer
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In sports, sometimes it’s not all about winning and losing. With a trip to the 2012 Africa Cup of Nations seemingly assured with a tie, South African men’s national soccer team head coach, Pitso Mosimane, drew up a conservative game plan for his squad’s match with Sierra Leone. The plan worked, the game ended in a 0-0 draw, and the South Africans jubilantly danced on the field in celebration while the home crowd cheered them on. South African TV proudly announced that the team had advanced as the South African soccer federation’s president congratulated the team on the air. Unfortunately for Coach Pitso and everyone involved, he didn’t read the tiebreaking procedures as carefully as he should have and Niger (RACIST!) qualified for the tournament based on head-to-head results.

This is an all-time boneheaded move. This is Derek Harper dribbling out the clock against the Lakers in the ’84 Playoffs (4:00 mark) even though the game was tied. We see this all the time, though. It’s bad karma not to go all out whether it’s playoff-bound football teams resting guys in WEEK 17 or South Africa playing keep away against Sierra Leone. Didn’t South Africa just host the World Cup? Shouldn’t the coach or somebody within their soccer foundation know how the tiebreakers work?

Pitso, baby, it’s a tough break. I’m sure you’re a nice guy and all, just not too bright. I mean, just look how confused you look in your picture. You had that look in about 75% of the links on Google Images when I searched your name. You didn’t just cost your team a shot at the most prestigious soccer tournament in Africa, but you made the entire country go bonkers for no reason.

I saw the movie Invictus. South Africa needs athletic success or it will have a massive race crisis. You could have sent your country back 30 years. Now Nelson Mandela is probably going back to jail and apartheid may come back too. All because you didn’t score a goal against Sierra Leone. Next time, read the rules or ask somebody to help you out. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Guardian

Jabroni of the Week: Kate Hudson

Posted: October 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in A-Rod, baseball, jabronis, Kate Hudson, MLB, Yankees
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The Yankees are now 0-2 since Kate Hudson and A-Rod broke up. You can’t blame Alex for striking out the bases loaded or for striking out to end both of the last two seasons. He’s a dependent fuck. I blame Kate Hudson. So what if all the tabloids said he broke up with her? Maybe it’s up to the Yankees Universe to get them back together. It’ll be like a metrosexual Latino version of The Parent Trap.

I mean, come one! Really, Kate? You were the MVP of the 2009 World Series (sorry, Matsui). I don’t care that you have a new guy. Muse sucks anyway. A-Rod cannot survive without you. Cameron Diaz is not a suitable replacement. I’m sure that’s what he was thinking with two outs in the ninth, “Boy, I sure miss Kate.” A-ROD DOESN’T HIT IN THE CLUTCH WITHOUT YOU!

Please come back, Kate. You would be the Yankees’ most valuable free agent signing. Brian Cashman should take a big bouquet of flowers to the set of whatever crappy rom-com you’re filming and refuse to leave until you agree to get back with A-Rod. It doesn’t even have to be now. You can wait till August or September or whenever he gets off his inevitable stint on the DL. Don’t tell me you don’t miss those blue lips just a little. I just can’t take losing to another random team before the World Series anymore. I better see you at the Stadium in 2012, Kate. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Terry Collins

Posted: October 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, jabronis, Mets, MLB
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Mets manager Terry Collins had a dilemma on Wednesday. Jose Reyes was leading the National League in batting and wanted to be taken out of the game if he got a hit in his first at-bat. Collins complied, Reyes won the batting title, and fans at Citi Field were confused and upset. With Reyes’s impending free agency, many fans turned up to an otherwise meaningless game to watch one of the most exciting players in the game play for the Mets one last time. I hope they got to their seats quickly.

Collins has been up and down about the state of the Mets the entire year. One day he loves that they’re playing hard, the next day he’s ashamed that they’re not. His press conferences had more mood swings than a chick PMSing while watching The Notebook. He finally broke down on Wednesday when discussing how proud he was of the team. When the topic turned to Reyes, Collins started crying as he explained why he took the superstar out of the game. He said that Reyes had earned that right over the course of the season but still felt for the fans that paid money and took the time to see Reyes. Hahahaha!!! Did you hear that? He cried!

Terry, baby, I know you’re new to New York but you have to learn a few things. First of all, nobody cares about the Mets. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Like 12 people went to the game to begin with and only six even knew who Jose Reyes is. Reyes isn’t coming back so you should’ve done whatever you wanted. Don’t let him win the batting title like a bitch; make him earn it.

It’s like Tom Hanks said, “There’s no crying in baseball.” Who do you think you are? Dick Vermeil? Although there’s no team that deserves to have the biggest pussy in sports. At least you only had this controversy in your last game instead of choking away the division. Toughen up, man! Go home and watch every movie in the Fast and the Furious series. It’ll put some hair on your chest and I guarantee the Mets will win at least 80 games next year. Good luck finding a new shortstop. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Reed Hastings

Posted: September 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Netflix, Reed Hastings
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Dear Reed,

Thank you so much for the E-mail. I was pretty upset after I found out that the price of my Netflix subscription was going from $10 to $16. In fact, I changed my plan from one DVD plus streaming to only one DVD. Now I only pay $8 a month. Sweet! I heard from Somebody Who Knows Things that you weren’t making much money with the current pricing. It’s only fair that costs would go up as you added films to your streaming collection, but did you really have to go for a $6 price increase all at once? It’s a little sudden. Maybe raise it $2 a year or every nine months.

Unfortunately for you, a lot of people think like me and changed their service or even cancelled it outright. It was more than you expected and Netflix stock dropped. Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal but when you think about it, you can get movies from a lot of places. Redbox, iTunes, Vudu, Hulu, cable on demand services. Most people stuck with Netflix because it was the original and it sure is a pain to change something that’s so engrained in your life. Unless you’re saving money, that is. That won’t be a problem now as Netflix customers try out (and spend their money on) all the alternatives.

Then, you announced that you were splitting Netflix into two companies. The streaming business would still be called Netflix but the DVD-by-mail service would be called Qwikster. Qwikster?!?!?!? What a horrible name. It’s so lame I’m embarrassed to talk about it with my friends. Not only that but Netflix and Qwikster aren’t going to be integrated. Billing is going to be separate be separate, as well as websites and movie queues. It’s so confusing my head hurts and I’m a tech-savvy guy. I can’t imagine your older customers would be thrilled.

Reed, baby, Netflix was awesome while it lasted but you went and fucked it all up. You had a huge advantage. People had loyalty to Netflix but will now be sampling all the fine video streaming services out there. You can apologize all you want, but we were never Netflix customers because you were a nice guy. It was business. And now that you raised prices and made the damn thing so complicated, I’ll have a clean conscience. I guess I technically won’t even be a Netflix customer anymore. Can’t wait to get my first Qwikster envelope. The guys at Blockbuster must be smiling. Remember, it’s like Charles Oakley said, “If it ain’t broke, don’t break it.” Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Yours Truly,

Keith Stone

Jabroni of the Week: MLB Schedule Makers

Posted: September 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Bud Selig, jabronis, MLB
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Major League Baseball released the schedule for the 2012 season this past week. I couldn’t help but notice that it kicked off on April 4. That means the last game is going to be played on October 3. With an expanded playoffs, the World Series might start in November. Here in the Northeast, it’s already pretty cold. It’s no fun to sit outside when it’s freezing for a four-hour baseball game, no matter how important it is.

This year, Game 7 of the World Series is scheduled to take place on October 27. It’s a little late but fine. At the same time, the season started in March. No matter what, there’s going to be games that are played when it’s far too cold. At least at the beginning of the season you can schedule them in domes and warm weather. The real problem is that the season is too long but nobody is ever going to change it. The teams make money off the additional games and traditionalists would throw a fit if anything ever changed. That’s why baseball is so ass-backwards to begin with.

Schedule makers, babies, I have a perfect plan for you. You’re never going to do it but hear me out. Change everything. Shorten the regular season to 100 games from the middle of April to the middle of September. Give teams more off days. We’ll see better played games. Extend the playoffs. Make every series a best-of-nine.

If teams are judged by their long-term resolve in the regular season, let’s see the same thing happen in the playoffs. Why should a team get eliminated after 162 games if they hit a three-game skid of bad luck? Feel free to realign the leagues and add additional teams to the playoffs. It never made sense to me that the AL West has four teams when the NL Central has six.

We’ll still get a World Series ending in mid-to-late October but this time the best team will really win. The extra playoff games won’t make up for the loss of regular season ones but they will be more exciting and engaging than the previous version. Baseball has been stuck in the past for a long time. Just because this is the way it’s always been done, doesn’t mean it’s the right way. If that was true, we wouldn’t have streaming porn. Turn the system upside-down. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brothers.

Jabroni of the Week: NYC Shopping Tourists

Posted: September 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, tourists
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I was just up in Midtown and nothing ever surprises me more than the line outside the Abercrombie & Fitch on 56th St. It’s fucking Abercrombie & Fitch! You can go to one in a mall and it’s completely empty and yet this one is filled more than Sasha Grey’s pussy. I get that clothes are cheaper in America than they are in England or Spain or Brazil or Japan, but who waits on line to get into a clothing store? And who does it when you’re on vacation?

This is New York, the Greatest City in the World. It’s still summer and it’s gorgeous out. There’s literally a million better things to do than buying douchebag hoodies, polos, and jeans. Go to Central Park. Go to a show. Go to the Empire State Building. Just stop snaring up foot traffic. That’s a high volume area. And when you’re waiting on line, stop taking pictures. Nobody wants to see you posing outside of Abercrombie & Fitch. Nobody.

Foreigners, babies, I appreciate you coming to New York. We need your tourism money, but please chill it with the Abercrombie. I know that LFO had a very catchy song that was probably just released in your country, but it’s played out. Do you think you’re too good for Aeropostale or American Eagle? Or maybe can we just get a few Abercrombies in some foreign countries? If you’re coming to America just to do some shopping, you may need to reevaluate things. Or if you really want to get cheap clothes, go where the MKS goes: Canal St. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brothers.

Jabroni of the Week: W.A. Ilg

Posted: September 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, strippers, W.A. Ilg
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Strip clubs are great. You go. You get some drinks, a couple dances. If you’re feeling like a baller, you can take a chick to a back room. Then, you pay your bill and you leave. Not so for W.A. Ilg. He’s suing the Hustler Club for getting him so drunk that he racked up a $28,109.60 bill.

The fact of the matter is this: when you get drunk, you are still on the hook for any stupid decisions you make. If you fuck a fat girl or make a bad fantasy trade, it’s on you. Still, it’s not even in the same category as blowing 28 G’s at the Hustler Club. Just think of all the things you could do with that money. W.A. Ilg had better gotten laid or seen a 12-girl orgy. This sets a very dangerous precedent. You can’t be a drunk Indian giver. There are enough drunk Indians as it is.

W.A., baby, If you think you’re going to do something outrageous like spend $28,000 on strippers, then don’t drink. Or have a Heineken. Nobody forced you to do it. Suck it up and cut a deal with Larry Flint. You’re making the rest of us guys look bad. You can’t stiff a stripper. It’s only going to make lap dances more expensive for everybody. And maybe try to pregame at your place in the future. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NY Daily News

Jabroni of the Week: Wes Bergmann

Posted: August 28, 2011 by Keith Stone in Challenge Week, jabronis, The Challenge, Wes Bergmann
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Kenny and Wes had it in the bag. Johnny and Tyler were worn out from eliminating the beast CT and Tyler was so sick that a doctor recommended that he not compete in the Finals. Roy Lee and Mike Mike…well, Mike Mike wasn’t made for climbing mountains. Kenny and Wes are both former Champions with four wins between them. The Rivals concept threw them off, though. These guys don’t didn’t just dislike each other, they didn’t respect each other. These guys were like Shaq and Kobe in 2004.

Despite everything, they were still leading the pack on the way up the mountain with their ball and chain for $100,000. That is, until Wes decided to to break up said ball and put the shards in his socks. You do not want anything jagged cutting into your body during the Challenge Finals. Even when his legs started bleeding, Wes insisted he was OK. He and Kenny continued to traverse the mountain until Wes couldn’t go anymore. Kenny then valiantly carried Wes literally on his back up the mountain. They still reached the checkpoint earlier than any other team, but you have to believe the toll had been taken on both of them.

Wes, baby, you rocked it all season, but you just didn’t get it. You couldn’t win if you didn’t work with your partner. Even when you were busy winning Challenges and Jungles, you were undermining Kenny. If you want to talk shit, you have to back it up. Your Finals performance was weak. You puked more than any of the chicks. There’s more to The Challenge than just the physical game. When you win, you can talk. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

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