Archive for the ‘jabronis’ Category

Twice this weekend while I was rocking my Eli Manning jersey, people felt the need to remind me that the Giants play in New Jersey. I don’t know if they were just haters or wanted to convert me to a Bills fan, but it’s a moot point. The Giants are my team whether they play in New York, Jersey, or go back to the Yale Bowl. Let’s face it, though. They’re a New York team. When they won the Super Bowl in 2007, there was a parade down the Canyon of Heroes and a rally at Giants Stadium. Fair enough. However, when New Jersey governor Chris Christie was on the Today Show, he said he wanted any possible victory parade to be held in New Jersey since that’s where they play and train. Did I mention that Christie is a Jets fan?

I actually like the guy. He’s a big talker but he can back it up, and he’s probably the most viable republican presidential candidate despite choosing not to run. He’s stood up against anyone that gets in the way of accomplishing his goals. In that way, he’s a little like Eli Manning. Christie needs to know his role here.  Sure, I’m a little biased against parades in New Jersey, but going from the Canyon of Heroes to the Canyon of Hobos in Newark is about as big of a dropoff as Christina Aguilera in 2003 to today.

Chris, baby, I know you’re still a little torn up about about this whole Jets collapse. Losing to the Giants on Christmas Eve probably didn’t help, but don’t be a sore loser. One day your team will have its day in the sun [tries to stifle laughter]. Don’t bring any negative attention to my G-Men. When you and Rex bring home the title at the Nathan’s Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, then you can have your beloved New Jersey parade. Champions do it in the Canyon of Heroes. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

CBS New York


Jabroni of the Week: Rep. Frank Niceley

Posted: January 22, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis
Tags: , , ,

Meredith Graves is a sweet southern belle from Tennessee who came up to New York to have fun in the big city in December. She probably saw all the sights: Rockefeller Center, Central Park, the Empire State Building. But when she went to Ground Zero, she made made a small mistake. She tried to check her loaded gun at the security checkpoint. It was licensed in Tennessee but out-of-state licenses are invalid in New York. She now faces three years in prison. That’s when her local Congressman Frank Niceley stepped in. Niceley proposed a resolution asking New York to use “common sense” in their case against Graves and then added that if they didn’t, New Yorkers better “pay extra attention to our speed limits” when driving through Tennessee.

Sorry we’re all a little skittish about loaded weapons at Ground Zero. It’s only one of the most polarizing places in the entire world and terrorists would love to hit it again. I’m sure in Tennessee Meredith Graves goes to the shooting range during her lunch breaks, so it’s convenient to carry her gun in her purse, but we don’t need a Homeland situation happening because we let cute chicks carry guns anywhere they want. This isn’t the South. Don’t walk in secluded areas late at night and you’ll be all right.

Then, there’s the blackmail thing with the speeding tickets. First of all, are there really that many New Yorkers driving around in Tennessee? It’s a little out of the way. Secondly, if Bloomberg locked away a Super Bowl hero in Plaxico Burress for violating a gun law, do you think he’s really going to have any mercy on some random out-of-state dumbass? I think we’ve been through enough with Ground Zero. Threatening to give out speeding tickets because of this situation is an insult to all New Yorkers.

Frank, baby, I’m sure you didn’t realize how mad you were going to make all of us. The World Trade Center attacks may have taken place 10 years ago but the scars are still fresh. You may have meant the threat as a joke to get some attention, but it’s not funny. Meredith Graves didn’t know the law and although she should have done a little research before coming up here, she probably won’t spend three years in jail. Try to be a little more sensitive. Y’all don’t come back now, ya hear? Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NY Daily News

Jabroni of the Week: Mexican Paramedics

Posted: January 15, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis
Tags: , ,

Ay caramba! You’re telling me that when transporting a fucking heart, the best these guys could do was a little cooler with wheels? That’s the same thing I bring to the beach. And did these guys need to jog with the cooler, like the patient was going to die in the next 30 seconds? From the looks of it, the hombre on the left does a lot more burrito eating than jogging. We couldn’t get them a segway or a golf cart or even just secure the lid with some tape or something? The best part is when the heart falls on the ground the two guys don’t even inspect it or discuss it, they pick it up and toss it back in the cooler like it’s the norm in Mexico. Heart fell in the middle of the road? Just throw it back in, Jose.

It’s not like Mexicans have enough stereotypes to worry about. I’m just surprised there wasn’t a mariachi band playing as these chanchos made their way from the helicoper. Sometimes you hear that healthcare is better in third-world countries than in America but after seeing this, I’d rather pay sky-high premiums on my health insurance than have to deal with my new corazon covered in burro shit.

Mexi medics, bebés, I know that you guys were only trying to do your best Speedy Gonzales impression but come on, with that drop do you think you’re on the Packers or something? Even LeBron James is making fun of you for how un-clutch you are. Transporting the heart shouldn’t be harder than transplanting it. Get it together, chicos. And make sure to wash your hands with bottled water before the procedure. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

The Winter Classic was a success, referee controversy aside, as the spectacle was a sight to see for all hockey fans. However after the game, while going for celebratory cheesesteaks, a pair of Rangers fan buddies got into a conflict with a pack of Flyers fans. As a victorious visitor in enemy territory, you have to expect that you’re going to take a little shit. Apparently, the locals got a homeless guy who was washing windows to spray a little something on the Blueshirters. They obviously didn’t take well to it and that’s when things escalated. It was a Flyers fan who threw the first punch.

I’m all for shit-talking. When somebody wears rival colors in New York, I’m going to say something. But if it’s right after a loss, you take your medicine and keep your mouth shut. There’s no shit-talking after a loss. And yes, there are laws in America, even in Philadelphia. You can’t put your hands on somebody. OK, maybe you had a couple drinks and the Rangers fan said something about your mama. Fine. Once you and your posse get the guy, you can’t keep hitting him. That’s a coward’s move but I’m not surprised it happened in Philly. Then, it turns out that one of the Rangers fans is an off-duty cop and Iraq vet. He’s in the hospital.

Philly fans, babies, you can call yourself passionate all you want but you can’t fool me. You’re classless scumbags. Every time it seems like you bottom out, you sink even further. Booing Santa Claus. Vomiting on a kid. Booing Michael Irvin with a serious neck injury. Whoring yourself for World Series tickets. Booing Snooki. NOBODY BOOS SNOOKI. You can take your fourth-grade education and Rocky Balboa and shove it up your ass. The problem is you guys seem to enjoy causing trouble. You relish being the bad boy. In New York, we know what’s up. You can have your reputation, we’ll take the W’s. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Year: Queen James

Posted: December 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, jabronis, Miami Heat, NBA, Queen James

Did you think it would be anyone else? Queen James has a lock on this title for the foreseeable future. It’ll probably be the only one he ever wins. LeBron is the Jabroni of the Year because of the cowardly way he played in the 2011 NBA Finals. The greatest basketball player in the world idly passed the ball while his team floundered and lost out on the top prize. This wasn’t just a choke job, this was a puss job. John Starks may have gone 2-for-18 in Game 7 in ’94 but at least his fault was that he wanted it too much. You can’t blame somebody for being overconfident in themselves.

If the Queen was content with hiding in the shadows, that’d be one thing, but the kid has the thing about being a global icon. He wants everyone to love him, he wants to be a celebrity. Earn it, baby. The reason Dominique Wilkins isn’t on TMZ but Michael Jordan is is because MJ won Championships. People don’t want to buy shoes from somebody that shrinks under the pressure.

The sad part about it is that Queen James is so self-unaware about his whole situation, as evidenced by the fact that he seemed authentically surprised by the booing he received in nearly every NBA arena. He’s like the kid with the rich dad who thinks he’s cool because the popular kids let him eat lunch at their table. Then he goes to college and nobody likes him. I’m not saying he has to be smart or fascinating, but even MJ knew to keep his mouth closed when he needed to. LeBron needs to learn that trick because he is such a dense knucklehead.

Queen, baby, I don’t like you and you probably wouldn’t like me. I believe in things like courage, valor, and loyalty. You could never begin to understand those concepts. It’s OK. You have your money and there still are a lot of people that like you. But you don’t have that Ring. You got off to a nice start this season. Undefeated, the Heat look good. You (and Dwyane Wade) might just very well lead Miami to the Title. The only problem is that everyone expects it. The only person who can stop yourself is you. That doesn’t make you special, and being special is all you ever wanted. Keep passing. See you at the Garden in 2012. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Rudy

Posted: December 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, jabronis, Rudy

How many of you have had a movie made about them? Unless your name is Chuck Wepner, put your hand down. Rudy Ruettiger is an American cinema icon. That’s why I was in shock when he charged as part of an investment scam that stole $11 million from investors. Rudy is the story of the ultimate underdog. Underdogs don’t steal $11 million. How does Rudy not get everything for free already? Rudy should not have to pay for anything. All of Rudy’s attempted purchases should instead be met with a “Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” chant.

Rudy apparently lied about his sports drink company Rudy Nutrition, which made a sports drink called “Rudy.” While I admire his business pluck, he’s not really striking while the iron is hot. How about marketing a set of Rudy drinks back in, say, 1993? Rudy told investors that his drink outsold Gatorade and had major distributors that had agreed to sell the drink. I would make fun of the investors for believing a fledgling sports drink named Rudy outsold Gatorade, but when Rudy Ruettiger tells you something, you believe him.  Rudy didn’t just mislead the investors; he misled all of us.

Rudy, baby, our heroes cannot disappoint us. They’re there to make us feel better about our miserable lives. What would Coach say? What would your dad say? What would that black janitor say? People look up to you, Rudy. You’re the go-to video to pump up fans at any sporting event. I know you probably got talked into doing the scam but just remember: nobody, and I mean nobody, comes into our house and pushes us into an investment scam. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

ABC South Bend, IN

Jabroni of the Week: Verizon Wireless

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in death, jabronis, Verizon

As part of a “test emergency notification,” Verizon Wireless sent out a mass text to its customers in New Jersey warning of a civil emergency and imploring them to take shelter. Unfortunately, as you can see, the text wasn’t clearly identified and caused a bit of a panic. Normally, when the Emergency Broadcast System does their beep test (used to scare me as a kid, still does), they tell you multiple times, “It’s only a test. It’s only a test. Hey idiot, if you’re calling 911, this is only a test.” They do this because people get frightened. I can’t even imagine the number of calls to the police this caused.

I’m not blaming people for being panicky. I’m the biggest wuss in the world. If I got this text message, I would be halfway to Canada by now, sobbing into an American flag. I’m actually surprised this didn’t create more of an uproar. Apparently earlier in the week, a few houses in the area shook with no explanation. That’s poop-your-pants frightening. Who knows what it could have been. Nuclear meltdown, biological attack, or even a (gasp!) alien invasion.

Verizon, baby, you weren’t trying to scare anyone, but man, wait till April Fool’s Day until you do your next emergency test. Or even just put “THIS IS ONLY A TEST” anywhere in the fricking text. This isn’t the 90’s anymore. I hear a low-flying plane and I’m ready to run. I know you issued an apology but try to be a little more careful next time. You wouldn’t want there to be an actual emergency and nobody believes the warning text. Although it is New Jersey. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.