Archive for the ‘NBA’ Category

Mikhail Prokhorov Can’t Get Nets In Playoffs, Still Wants To Change Russian Politics

Posted: September 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, Nets, Proky, USSR
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“I must break you.”

Mikhail Prokhorov, the owner of the New Jersey Nets, recently stepped down as the head of Russia’s Right Cause political party and alleged that the Russian government manipulated the group after assurances to the contrary. Prokhorov claims that the government forced him to include members to the party that were actually loyal to the ruling group and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. By coming out publicly with these assertions, Prokhorov could be in dangerous territory. After oil baron Mikhail Khodorkovsky spoke out against Putin, he was thrown in jail.

It’s nice that Proky wants to expose the corruption in the Russian government, but he’s a little naive. Russian corruption is as inevitable as gravity or the Mets embarrassing themselves. If he really wants to do something, he should come to America and end the NBA lockout. The owners are stupid but they’re not corrupt. If Proky gave Robert Sarver a Drago-style stare down, the salary cap would be softer than a baby’s ass. Gotta have your priorities straight. Either that or go jetskiing with hookers.

Bloomberg Businessweek

Sarah Palin Had An Affair With Glen Rice!

Posted: September 14, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Glen Rice, NBA, politics as usual, romance, Sarah Palin
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Glen Rice will now be known for two things: scoring tons of points in meaningless games and fucking the Pitbull in Lipstick! This is maybe the greatest piece of news I’ve ever seen. A new book coming out next week called Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin by Joe McGinniss makes a bunch of salacious claims about Palin’s life, including allegations that she had an affair with her husband’s business partner and snorted cocaine while snowmobiling (naturally). Of course, the little ditty about her and Glen Rice sharing a night together in Alaska while she was a sports reporter and he was a college junior is sure to be the one that grabs the most headlines.

There’s so many things in play here, I don’t know where to begin. For one, Palin apparently had a fetish for black men. Awesome. Secondly, a sports reporter bedding her subject? A little touchy but then kinda creepy when you find out he’s in college and she’s in her mid-20’s. Then, you find out it’s nine months before she married her husband. Bad form, Sarah, bad form. And lastly, it’s Glen fucking Rice! Could there have been a better choice for a random NBA superstar for Sarah Palin to fuck? Derrick Coleman? Mitch Richmond?

This has to kill Palin’s political career, right? You have drugs, you have infidelity, and you have Glen Rice. Nobody can ever take her seriously again. The only people that like her are insane Southerners anyway. They could probably defend the coke (she was young), and the cheating (everybody makes mistakes), but if there’s one thing dirty rednecks hate, it’s black people. “Oh my, Sarah Palin slept with a negro? I’m voting for Michele Bachmann? She’s the epitome of class and integrity.” As for me, I just can’t wait for the porn parody. Paging Lisa Ann and Mr. Marcus! Goodbye Sarah, we hardly knew you.

Daily Mail

Who Is Managing Queen James?

Posted: September 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, fashion, NBA, Queen James
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Queen James knows fashion when he sees it. That’s why he tweeted that he’s in New York for Fashion Week to support his sister, LeBre’sha, who he claims will be the world’s next supermodel. I don’t know but I think I’m in love. Wait a minute. Is that a mustache?

It’s amazing to me that LeBron keeps doing these stupid things when he apparently has a huge team managing his every move. “Hey LeBron, why don’t you tweet out a picture of yourself in a Cover Girl ad? It’ll totally make people forget about the whole Decision thing and it wouldn’t be strange at all!” Seriously, what is the point of this? Is it supposed to be funny? LeBron needs to hit the gym and work on his cross-court moves instead of his cross-dressing moves. He needs to be less Dennis Rodman and more Michael Jordan. In fact, if MJ saw this, he’d probably smash all his golf clubs.

Michael Beasley Taken To Hospital For Smoke Inhalation, Not What You’re Thinking

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, China, Michael Beasley, NBA
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Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley likes to smoke. Everybody knows this. Unfortunately for Supercool Beas, who’s playing exhibition games in China, the Chinese like to smoke a lot more. Beasley suffered an asthma attack last week due to giant clouds of cigarette smoke hovering in the arena during a game. Apparently, Chinese smoking laws are a little more lax than in America. Back at his hotel, Beasley collapsed and had to be taken to the hospital. He’s fine now, at least when it comes to his lungs. Beas broke his wrist in an ensuing game.

I’ve always wanted to have a Drunk Olympics, where people compete at different events while they’re drunk but this is just as good: the Smoke Olympics. How fast can you run a mile when the air is filled with cigarette smoke? Let’s make this happen, Marlboro!

As for the Chinese, I don’t get why everyone is so afraid they’re gonna take over the world. Yeah, they have a ton of people and they may be good at engineering, but they’re clearly dumb as fuck when it comes to simple things like not smoking. How are they going to win World War III? All their soldiers will be gassed by the time they run 200 yards and robot soldier technology is at least 50 years away. By then, they’ll all be dead with lung cancer.

Deadspin

Melo For NBA Players’ Union President

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Knicks, Melo, NBA, NBA lockout
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Carmelo Anthony isn’t a genius. Fuck, he only went to college for a year but he said something smart on Tuesday that’s better than anything else that’s come out about the lockout. Melo said, “Just let us play and continue to negotiate. That’s what we say.” Hell yes. Can I get a “Let them play” chant? He added, “I want a deal done, we all want a deal done. We just want it to be fair for both parties. We want to play basketball at the end of the day. We don’t care about none of that other stuff. They could settle that; just let us play and continue to negotiate.”

I’m glad somebody has the right attitude. It’s not going to be as easy as “Let’s keep playing and negotiating” but at least Melo cares more about money and pride. The new deal most likely won’t make either side too happy. Tough shit. The economy sucks. Move forward and get this season started on time.

ESPN

I Bet He Wishes He Could Pass This One

Posted: August 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, Queen James, water sports
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In your daily “LeBron is a bitch” news, here’s footage of Queen James taking three minutes to jump off a diving board while he was in Barcelona for some reason. They must boo him less there. It’s not like we’ve seen him freeze up in big moments before.

Z-Bo Being Z-Bo

Posted: August 26, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, crime and punishment, NBA, NBA lockout, Z-Bo
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We’re officially at the point of the NBA lockout where players start getting into trouble and who better to lead us there than Z-Bo, Zach Randolph? Z-Bo’s night started out like anyone’s would on a cozy summer Friday: he chartered a cruise for him and his buddies. He met James Beasley on the cruise and invited Beasley over to his house, so Randolph could buy some weed from him. When the two couldn’t agree on the price, a couple of Z-Bo’s friends beat Beasley up and took the product. Their weapon of choice? Pool cues.

Z-Bo’s learning, though. He wasn’t physically involved with the assault so he’s likely not to face any trouble. Personally, I always haggle for price on my chartered cruises before I invite the drug dealer back to my place. Now that Z-Bo has set the bar, what other zany antics will the locked-out NBA players do next? Will Chris Andersen try flying off a bridge? Will Michael Beasley get a tattoo on his face that says, “I hate Commissioner Stern?” Will Eddy Curry go on a diet? Probably not on that one.

KGW-Portland

Chris Bosh Molested By the Dad From The Wonder Years?

Posted: August 24, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Chris Bosh, Melo, NBA, TV
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Chris Bosh and Carmelo Anthony have signed on to play themselves on an upcoming episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. The episode, appropriately titled “Personal Fouls,” follows a coach that is suspected of doing bad things to former players. That coach will be portrayed by Dan Lauria, Kevin’s dad from The Wonder Years, in a role he was born to play. Not too many details have been released beyond that, but we can assume that the plot will revolve around how Bosh’s failures this season lead him to finally tell the truth about dirty old Coach Arnold. Carmelo, being the knight in shining armor that he is, will most likely be there to support someone in need. NBC isn’t going to be last in the ratings after this!

NBC

Rajon Rondo Gets Rondo’d By President Obama

Posted: August 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, BOSTON SUCKS, Celtics, NBA, Obama, Rajon Rondo
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It’s not a secret that Rajon Rondo isn’t a good shooter and was especially bad at the end of last season. Many blamed the trade of his best friend Kendrick Perkins to Oklahoma City. It’s a lame excuse but Shaq’s impending Pulitzer Prize-winning memoir Shaq Uncut contains another explanation. Shaq contends that at a fundraiser in March, President Obama himself made fun of Rondo by asking marksman Ray Allen, “Hey, Ray, why don’t you teach this kid how to shoot?” Shaq believes that sensitive young soul that he is, Rondo went into an months-long shooting slump after being called out by the President.

When Obama leaves the White House, he can sit next to me at every Knicks-Celtics game. And when LeBron’s in the house. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have this power in the political arena. “Hey, Ray, why don’t you teach unemployment how to shoot?”

Slam

Trivia Time: NBA Lockout Edition

Posted: August 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA, NBA lockout, trivia
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The NBA lockout sucks. Right now, we’d be watching the rookies do their thing at Summer League, but instead, it’s all labor jargon that nobody understands and grainy footage of Kevin Durant and LeBron James putting up 84 points at games against scrubs in Rucker Park and Singapore. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and I’ll sign you to the mid-level exception. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

Who is the president of the NBA Players Union? (and a hint: it is not Metta World Peace)

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