Idiot Boat Captain Slams Into Brooklyn Bridge With Crane

Posted: March 14, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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I’ve never driven a boat before, so maybe I’m not the person to talk. But if I was sailing with a giant crane loaded up on my ship and I was about to go under a bridge, much less one of the most historical bridges in the world, I’d probably measure to see if it was going to fit. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen last night and a crane that was being towed on a barge plowed into a scaffolding under the Brooklyn Bridge. No one was hurt and experts say there was no structural damage to the bridge, but there’s a giant hole in scaffold that was being used to paint the bridge. What a boneheaded move. Who the fuck is sailing the boat? Mr. Bean? Even a little kid pulling a wheelbarrow knows better than to stack things too high. Now it looks like Cloverfield is running amok in Lower Manhattan. Of course, the ship kept sailing and investigators are trying to get more information about what happened. Someone is about to get charged with a hit-and-sail.

Huffington Post

Mike D’Antoni Out

Posted: March 14, 2012 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA
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It’s a tough day for New York sports fans. If you’re like me, just close your eyes and imagine Opening Day at Yankee Stadium while repeating “Let’s go Rangers! Let’s go Rangers!” I guess this is how bullied gay kids in high school feel. Just remember, New York, it gets better. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to masturbate to this picture…

Zolio Almonte Hands Sports Superiority Back To Boston

Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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You really did it this time, Zolio. The Red Sox were in town at Steinbrenner Field, just asking for a beatdown after everything that Bobby V’s been saying. The game was scoreless into the 9th but Zolio misplayed a single into an inside-the-park home run. Now everything New York has accomplished recently against Boston is for naught. Blueshirts rocking the B’s on their way to the #1 seed? Doesn’t matter. Super Bowl XLVI? Who cares. All I know is that that smug bastard Bobby V is probably smiling and waving goodbye to the fans in Tampa from the back of the bus. We had a chance to shut this clown up and Zolio Almonte gave it all away. Somebody better have a great motivational quote planned for tomorrow. On the plus side, Ivan Nova threw four shutout innings with three strikeouts and only allowed two hits. I guess it wasn’t a total washout.

MLB

Sean Avery Announces Retirement In Most Sean Avery Way Imaginable

Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in hockey, NHL
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Much-maligned Ranger Sean Avery publicly announced his retirement last night on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live, during a wildly entertaining and erratic appearance. Avery, who of course was not wearing socks, later dished about his obsession with Lionel Richie (whose daughter Nicole was also on the show), the Real Housewives, breast implants (“some are good, some are bad”), and yes, fashion. A lot of athletes come and go, but there will never be one as polarizing and unique as Sean Avery.

Trivia Time: Final Four

Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in basketball, college basketball, trivia
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The Final Four is one of the biggest sporting events of the year. It’s so big, in fact, that the NCAA mandates that it takes place at a stadium with a seating capacity of 70,000. Yes, that means that the Final Four can never be held at the Garden, which might be the greatest sports spectacle of all-time. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and keep dancing, Cinderella. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

What was the last facility to host the Final Four with a seating capacity less than 30,000? (and a hint: it was not the Nassau Mausoleum)

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Wave Goodbye To Your Face, Bobby V

Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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Bobby Valentine sure isn’t making many friends this spring training. After taking shots at Derek Jeter’s iconic flip play, the new Red Sox manager infuriated new Miami Marlins skipper Jose Guillen by waving goodbye after Guillen was ejected from their game for arguing a call. Guillen didn’t see it but after being told by reporters what Bobby-san did, he responded, “I don’t see it. I would have told him to go and fuck himself, too. That’s the way Ozzie Guillen is.”

Nice to see both of these maniacs are in regular season form. Ozzie is going to be completely off the reservation in Miami with all his hombres, and Bobby V already showed he’s going to stir shit to get the stink off his team from last season. These two teams meet up again in June. Let’s hope things get all Olivia Newton-John.

For sure, Ozzie would cut up Bobby V. He’s loco, mang. He probably keeps a switchblade in his back pocket. What’s Bobby thinking? It’s all fun and waving until the Latin Kings cut his face off. He might have to break the fake mustache out of storage to get around in Miami from now on. And you better believe if Bobby V keeps this up when the Yanks and Sox play each other, he might take a Derek Jeter flip to the face. What a bitch move.

Big Lead

Hornet Kills Bobcat, Bobcats Kill Hornets

Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in basketball, NBA
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New Orleans Hornets center, Chris Kaman, who I’d be absolutely terrified to meet in real life, had a little message for upcoming opponent Charlotte yesterday on his Twitter feed. Yes, that’s a dead Bobcat. No, the Hornets lost 73-71. How embarrassing is it for Kaman that he killed that bobcat for nothing? Now he’s going to have make soup or a scarf out of it. This isn’t the first time the big man has shown his disdain for a foe. Before a recent game against the Jazz, Kaman destroyed a saxophone and I’ll never forget when he tore up a brand-new pair of pants in anticipation of a matchup against the Knicks. Just don’t ask what he does when he’s about to play the Celtics.

Cowgirls and Deadskins Lose Cap Space Because of Rule That Didn’t Exist

Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL
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I love Commissioner Goodell. He must have balls the size of a head of lettuce. Dude does whatever the fuck he wants. Hit too hard? Fined. Possible fight at a bar? Fined. Offensive tweet? Fined. His latest move is the best. He reduced the amount of money the Cowboys and Redskins could spend against the salary cap a combined $46 million for abusing the uncapped 2010 year. Specifically, Dallas has $10 million less to spend while Washington has a whopping $36 million less, however, the charges can be split for the next two seasons. Again, the 2010 season had no salary cap so theoretically teams could pay players as much as they wanted. For instance, Miles Austin got a ridiculous $17 million that season but only made $8.5 last year. You can see how it circumvented the cap in the second year.

I have no idea how the salary cap works so I’m not going to pretend to explain any more, but this is hilarious especially because the two teams are perhaps the most heinous in the NFL. Can you imagine how pissed Dan Snyder is right now? He just traded everything and the kitchen sink for RG3 but now has no money to sign anybody to play with him. If I was a billionaire prick like Snyder or Jerry Jones, of course I’d be going nuts during the uncapped year. The point of an uncapped year is to spend money. But now the Commish says they spent too much, and it’s time to pay up. Imagine getting busted for something you did in the past. Hey, did you drive while chatting on a cell phone in 2003? Better not let the Commish find out.

ESPN

How Long Did This Take?

Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in TV
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Do it, Rockapella.

Sarah Shahi: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: March 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum
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I’ve never seen the show A Legal Mind but whenever I see the posters in the subway, I always perk up because Sarah Shahi is so hot in them. Does she even know what tort law is? I don’t care but I’d love to contort her over a conference table. The smart girls in power suits always do it for me. I’d like to think of her as a real lawyer, studying case law topless deep into the night. How could anyone hate a lawyer with an ass like that? Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

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